Translation of Lili Elbe Buch (German Typescript)

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ParisParis -- City in France. Quarter Saint GermainQuartier Saint Germain -- . On a February night in 1930. On a quiet street with a posh palace – housing a small restaurant. FrancoisMonsieur François (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1, the proprietor, a gentle Sicilian, tall as a tree, serves the glowing warm wines of his home country here. Foreigners, most of them artists, a close knit circle, are his regulars.

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Among them are AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , both Danish, both painters, and their Italian friend Ernesto RossiniErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- with his elegant, French wife, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- .

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They celebrate reunion on this night. They had not seen each other for a whole year. One of the couples was roaming the North, the other the South of EuropeEurope -- . All four are glad being back in ParisParis -- City in France.

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"Skaal,'" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- exclaims in his good natured, Nordic way, raising his glass.

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"This wine, children, does for the soul what the sun in the mountains do for the body! Which reminds me of this magnificent legend of the cathedral of SevilleSeville -- Cathedral in Seville -- Likely the Catedral de Santa María de la Sede, which Grete and I marveled at, recently. They encased a ray of sunlight underneath the base of the tallest pillar, that's the whole legend. . . . "

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"Marvelous!" ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- replies, gleefully.

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"That's heavenly, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ." Miss ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- interjects, warmly squeezing his hand.

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And Miss GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- -@Editor: PLC smiles happily and wistfully.

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A few minutes later this somewhat celebratory, high-spirited introduction is forgotten.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- exchange multiple travel impressions with one another in a colorful way, wanderings through museums and infamous, narrow alleys in CadizCadiz -- and AntwerpAntwerp -- , voyages of discovery through the bazaars of the BalkansBalkans -- and in basement thrift stores of the HagueThe Hague -- and AmsterdamAmsterdam -- ! One tries to top the other's stories. That's how GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- is. That's how ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- is. Very engaged. With deeply earnest eyes that are honed for the appreciation of the arts.

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Meanwhile, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- lets ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- whisper delectable and even raunchy, new and scandalous stories out of RomeRome -- City in Italy and MadridMadrid -- City in Spain into his ear -@Translator: SW . In this, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- is an expert. Although born in ParisParis -- City in France, which seems like an oddity in these "exalted circles," she resembles one of those blonde Venetian women of Palma VecchioPalma Vecchio -- . She descends from an old, very rich family of bankers. She possesses her ancestors' intelligence,
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coupled with a goodness of the heart, that finds expression in her fanatical activity as a collector: she collects lost and run away dogs and friends in need. For years she's been doing this. Without pause. And still she finds time for being a magnificent spouse and delightful mom to her four beautiful children.

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- 's home is technically Thessaloniki. He is a consummately handsome kind of man. One can hardly imagine a more harmonious couple. "This would be called a symbiosis of the highest potency by learned scholars!" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- explains at every appropriate and inappropriate time.

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As he does tonight, and the wine loosens his tongue even more. "Are you drinking too much, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ?" Miss ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- interrupts herself all of a sudden, in the middle of relating a "most recent" and "guaranteed true" incredible tale set in the sinful home of ParisParis -- City in France. The increasingly nervous and pale expressions of the friend caught her eye. "My dear, you can't deceive me. You are not doing well! You seem bent on playing a healthy man tonight." ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- have caught up ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's words. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- just glances at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- in silence. ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- takes the friend's hand. "Is LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. causing you trouble again?" he asks discreet and full of worry, looking from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

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"You guessed it, ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- ." AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- replies quietly and very seriously. "Little by little these circumstances are becoming insufferable. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. no longer agrees to sharing her existence with me. She wants her existence for herself alone. I don't know if she understands me. Me? Oh, I've lost my worth. I can't go on. I'm done. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has known that for awhile. ...

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So it is ... And she grows more agitated in the turmoil she causes day by day. What do I still want with her ... That might sound like a strange question, for others. But kids, you are not among those "others." ... Only fools believe themselves being indispensable ...irreplaceable... But now, not a word more on this. Let us rather drink a fiery, sweet Asti, to make ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- happy."

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"Bravo," cries ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , while not taking her eyes off of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , who exhaustedly rose and then ambled wearily to the bar, where FrancoisMonsieur François (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1 sat enthroned among his various bottles, his mild mandolin eyes resting expectantly and very calmly on AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . "Signore..." he calls him
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half singing from a distance.

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Meanwhile all three, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- won't take their eyes off of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- .

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"Tell me quickly," whispers ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , bent over towards her friend, -@Translator: SW "what does it look like with our friend. He worries me. I really don't like his appearance. Please talk to him..."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- has lost her smile. "It has never been so bad with him, never ..."

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- look upon the friend wordlessly. And then they look onto AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , who in this moment is relating his Asti order to FrancoisMonsieur François (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1 with the help of a flurry of gestures. The SicillianMonsieur François (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1 accepts the order, vowing to "bring into the artificial light of day of his vespertine tavern." "I have given up all hope of salvation for him," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- says, very quietly, "Without a miracle happening..."

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- interrupts her vividly. "See, you call it ... a miracle. And that reminds me of how strange it is, that we four are reunited, just tonight after such a long time..."

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She does not say another word, gazing on in silence.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- looks upon the friend quizzically. "Why strange...?"

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"You know, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- , the children and I were supposed to go someplace else tonight." ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- nods in agreement. "But, and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- know this as well, I had a feeling telling me: you have to see GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- tonight... Especially tonight..."

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"True," ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- says enthusiastically not letting his eyes off AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , who is still standing at the bar, apparently waiting for the "unprecedented" Sicilian grape juice. "Hurry up ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , before he comes back...."

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"All right, then come as close as you can, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ." ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- whispers. "Now, listen. A good friend of oursKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- is in ParisParis -- City in France for a few days. A German. Out of DresdenDresden -- City in Germany. A gynecologist. We were supposed to meet him tonight. He rang us up this morning, just after we had spoken with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- on the phone. And that immediately reminded me: if someone can help our friend AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , it can only be this doctor from DresdenDresden -- City in Germany Kreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . And the whole thing requires haste. Because the doctorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- has to return to GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe tomorrow afternoon.

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I want to arrange a rendezvous with him tonight ..." GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- acknowledges the optimism emanating from ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's gaze with nothing but a tired motion of the hand. "Dearest ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , don't bother yourself. It won't do any good. It is useless. Believe me. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- does not want to see any more doctors. He's had enough of them. Oh, who haven't we seen. No... No... I can understand him quite well if he now swears faithfully that he doesn't want another medical examination. The poor man."

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- took both of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's hands. And ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- put his hand on top of theirs. "Just let ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- do her thing," he says almost imploringly.

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"Yes, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , dearest, you must not disagree now," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- protests, "whether you want to, or not, you have to agree, and I will ring up the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- tonight and tell him of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . I have to do that. I know, the doctorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- will be able to help him.

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After that the three of them fall back into silence. Their gaze is on AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , who holds dusty bottles against the light, deeply engaged in conversation with FrancoisMonsieur François (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' bright voice and the SicilianMonsieur François (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1's sonorous murmur waft over them. One appears intent on convincing the other of something.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- slowly lights a cigarette. Her way of doing this is very involved. Like a religious act. She does not know. Her large, grey eyes that dominate her gentle, blonde face have now turned inwards. She blows the blue cigarette smoke away from her. She stares into the smoke. She inhales more smoke. And slowly lets it stream out, resuming her stare.

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Then she says slowly, calmly and firmly:

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"All right, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . You call your German ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . I have always, or rather, let's say, often listened to the mystical things surrounding us in the world. I have a finely tuned ear. And a delicate feeling for you. It is possible that my feelings do not betray me now. You know me, I am never melodramatic. But you appear to have infected me, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . That has to be it. I have almost become a believer through your eyes, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ... So, go ahead and call him. And I will hopefully manage to convince AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , that he comes by your place in time, tomorrow."

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And then the conversation quickly segues to something banal. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- returns, carrying two bottles of Asti like booty in front of himself.

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"Children, now you will have some wine, that according to our cathedral legend is nothing but rays of sunlight caught in bottles."

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"Si si Signore!" Maestro FrancoisMonsieur François (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1 seconds from afar.

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As the hour grew late, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- called a cab for ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- to ride home in. While sauntering down the avenue close to their atelier apartment, she confesses to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , initially with reservations, then more emphatically, what she, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- decided earlier. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is livid. He stops in his tracks in the middle of the road, stomps his feet, raves and riots like a spoilt brat, disregarding all puddles on the streets to the point that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's silk stockings soon look like a leopard's coat. He calls to all stars in the sky as his witness. The German professorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- should go to hell, he says, and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- should accompany him there. He, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , won't be examined by either German or French or Hindoostani mountebank. He professes being done with those butchers of human beings. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- allows his rioting. She knows this from experience. But as he works himself into a frenzy she grabs his arm. "Now let this be enough. You seem to think that if you document your manliness in this way ... You just end up resembling an hysterical teenage girl in your tantrum... You should be ashamed of yourself... Do you understand me?" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- stopped, looked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- from head to toe with his dark eyes. He quaked with agitation and closed the conversation for the day with the harrowing oath – that served to cause GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- breaking out in Homeric laughter: "No twelve German beer cart draft horses will find themselves able to tear me out of my good, wide Louis-Phillipe bed tomorrow morning just to drag me to this strange doctor... Do you believe I've not caused enough ridicule with the French quacks? Now you want a Dresdenite snake oil salesman to laugh at me also? Not another word..."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has long since fallen asleep.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- still sits up in bed, awake, gazing at the one asleep.
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. . . She knows how serious things are. And in the night's stifling heat she feels the choking of fear... She broods and broods... Is what the friends and herself want to convince the poor soul, sleeping childlike next to her, of truly the right thing to do? Can she really do that? Her conscience won't give her peace... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- had said earlier that this complete stranger from GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe Kreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- was supposedly an expert in his field as a medical practitioner...And if he too knows of no relief for her AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , then this could be a death sentence for the friend...Because she knows what will happen, should the GermanKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- come to the same conclusion as his Parisian colleagues... And yet... And yet... maybe there can be relief, maybe there can be salvation in the strangerKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's findings. Maybe a miracle was still waiting for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ... This long awaited miracle, which she fervently and ever more fervently craved for the life partner, her fated companion, in good times as in bad times...

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Suddenly she remembers the council of a strange Russian psychic, an immigrant here in ParisParis -- City in France. It was after the latest, hopeless visit of a Parisian specialist... AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was devastated... While in this mood they encountered the Russian. "If your man switches doctors one more time, everything he wishes for will come true." That was what this strange woman had told them, and observed them with crying eyes...

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Was it fate that was calling now? Could her instincts betray them, now that so much was at stake? ...

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And yet. Now, with the beloved friend's life hanging in the balance, all courage seemed leaving her... She was scared of being wrong about this, scared to take on such a big responsibility... Scared for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ...

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He had been sick for years. They had consulted countless doctors and specialists. Without any result. Now he was just so tired. Life had become agony for him...

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Nobody had ever understood what was wrong with him. But his suffering was of a very curious nature. A specialist in VersaillesVersailles -- had declared him a hysteric and that he otherwise was a completely normal
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man, who just should behave like a man of reason, so that he could "blossom" in a new, better life. He thought a special examination unnecessary. There was nothing wrong with the patient, other than the missing conviction that he was in fact completely healthy and normal... And that was it... AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had listened to this baffling insight calmly, and then, when they were back in the street, he declared: "You have to respect this genius of VersaillesVersailles -- ! He can tell what's wrong with his patients when they're standing on his doorstep – just like in the good old days of Louis XIVLouis XIV (historical) -- ..."

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A young doctor, also in VersaillesVersailles -- , had noted that "not all was as it should be"... but then he released AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- with the following words full of solace: "You should not care about anything, whatever happens with your body. You are healthy and unblemished. You can still endure a lot."

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A somewhat mystically inclined personality of the medical world out of ViennaVienna -- , a friend of SteinachSteinach (historical) -- , had been on the right path with his diagnosis. "Only a daring, reckless doctor can help you. But where to find such a practitioner nowadays...?" A radiologist had been very active, but that man also almost killed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ...

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After that, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- gathered his wits and got in touch with three surgeons, all of whom refused to "be caught dead" -@Editor: PLC with him.

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The first surgeon explained he never before had practiced "beautification surgeries." The second one solely examined AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' appendix. The third one declared AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- "clinically insane." Most people at the time would have probably agreed with the last surgeon: because AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- believed that he actually was not a man – but a woman...

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , who as an artist did not feel compelled to hold on to old, adopted truths, had a low opinion of such "average medicine men," as he was wont to say – albeit one had to take his bitter mood into account. "Such a man thinks he is omniscient simply because he studied at a university when he was a green lad. And such a university
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is just as omniscient and infallible..." And suddenly, pushed on by a glass of Rhone-whine: "The truth is like flying sand... Always wandering."

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And he knew that only a doctor with imagination, a man who was both scholar and artist at the same time, only such a person could possibly help him. But he had long since abandoned all hope to find such a doctor. And he had grown tired, so tired. He had sworn to himself never to visit another doctor again. He had made the decision to withdraw from existence. The first of May should be the day... The springtime is dangerous for the sick and the tired...

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He had thought of everything...even his exit... It should be like a courteous bow to nature in a way... In case nature did not still come to the rescue at the last moment ... Now it was February...Already February... March and April would still be a time of waiting ... a grace period... He was calm, he waited expectantly . . he had long since resigned himself...

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The only thing that tormented him was the thought of his small, marvelous woman, his faithful friend and life companion.

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Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was an artist of great talents. He was interested much more in her pictures of beautiful, yearning women with dreaming eyes and red, burning lips that called out for kissing and caressing. Those interested him a lot more than his own paintings. Her paintings were stimulating, stirring things up like a scent from the jungles of ParisParis -- City in France... They were an expression of the time... and yet full of passionate devotion...clear in their lines, like an heir to BotticelliSandro Botticelli (historical) -- and the other primitive Italians... often as if entangled with a painful longing – like with WatteauJean-Antoine Watteau (historical) -- Not mentioned in G1; French painter ... as if the faint echo of a flute of the Greek god PanPan (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1 was wafting through a ParisParis -- City in France salon...

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Maybe it was because of this ... because their marriage had been a companionship from the beginning that they both found life pleasant and worth living whenever they were together.... And they were indeed inseparable.

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Barely grown up, still at the conservatory in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark Art Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark., they had gotten married. They had grabbed life by the horns. A few days
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before the wedding AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had sold his first painting from his first gallery exhibition: for sixty Kroners!

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They helped each other as artists, always, everywhere, in every way. From the beginning they fought shoulder to shoulder for their art, never leaving one another alone. They had lived abroad most of the time, mostly in ParisParis -- City in France. And this life in foreign lands had brought them even closer together. At least they had been spared the easygoing air of divorce and irresponsibility that spread across CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark.

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Due to this AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- often found himself in moments during which he felt like a traitor to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , now that he was listening with growing intent to the sweet melodies of death... But he had realized that he could no longer work, no matter how much he tried... And this epiphany was what gave him the excuse, the solace and a feeling of being right, to leave this mortal coil. He was afraid of becoming a burden to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ... This thought had been choking him for months, smothering anything happy within him... No, he was no coward... He also did not feel like a martyr... No ... no... But to ever become a burden to his young wife? ... No!

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- knew his thoughts. And whatever she offered to calm her poor loved one, to give him a renewed sense of hope, she had an inkling it was futile. So many things tied them to each other. So many fights, so many memories, light and dark. And maybe most of all – LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.? ... Yes... Because AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- consisted of two beings: of a man, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , and of a girl, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. They could be regarded as twins, who had taken hold of one body at the same time.

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But their characters were very different from one another.

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Slowly LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was taking over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , in a way that she was still present in him, even if she had withdrawn. But never the other way round. While he was feeling tired and doomed to death LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was happy and buoyant, and had the happy urge to evolve, like a larva dreaming of receiving wings and becoming a beautiful butterfly.

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She had become GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's favorite model. Through all her best works LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s slender elven body sauntered... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had already become a type, a modern type of woman, created from the imagination of
[Page 10]
an artist,... like all new things on the face of the earth.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- felt like a protector of this worry-free and helpless LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt like a protector of both... Because while LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. hated him, since he was in her way, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- liked her more than he did himself and hoped to disappear completely, for her sake. He hoped this would happen before their shared physical body had received too many scars from life... His last hope was to die, so that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could awaken to new life.

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And when he was overcome with tiredness after sleepless nights full of fever and pain, there was only one thought left for him: to sleep forever.

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II

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's fears had dissipated as she woke from restless sleep a few hour later, and her decision was made.

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In dreams she had glimpsed a tall, slender, white coated figure: a strange, somewhat stern face – that she did not know, -mitigated by a boundlessly benign smile. The man extended both hands towards her. And with an exclamation of deepest gratitude she had thrown herself into the arms of the stranger.

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She rouses AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- -@Editor: PLC. She does not show her excitement to her lover. She addresses him kindly, and lays out to him clearly and gaily, that he, if for no other reason, should still go to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- out of courtesy. There he could still come up with some excuse if he actually did not feel like seeing the German professorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . Maybe ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- had not made an appointment with the strange doctor at all. Also, such a man would be swamped with visits, conferences and such things, especially right before departure. The chances of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- being examined by him would therefore be rather slim...GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- says all these things with intentional detachment and without additional pressure, lest AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- resisted...

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And then an hour later he is on his way to PassyPassy -- , where ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- reside.

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He finds both of them still in their giant, gilded four-poster bed. He has to squat down on the bedside next to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . An expansive breakfast for three is quickly prepared. Then ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- deploys the heaviest piece in her arsenal, her irresistible charm, with a fresh, morning smile. And before he knows it, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has hopelessly fallen for it.

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"You don't have to go for my sake, darling." ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- blathers away with an air of indifference. "But, you know, since the man is already here, we could just indulge him... Right? He likes me a lot by the way... That alone should compel you, right ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- ?"

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- just nods.

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"And also you need to know, my little AndreasboyAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , that the man is a so-called big cheese. His name is KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . That does not
[Page 12]
mean anything though. He is expecting me at noon. And then you'll just be there too. Because ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- would never leave me alone with such a magician. Right, ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- mio?

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And ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- nods, again.

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Disarmed, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- bowed down to the hand of his friend, kisses it, rubs it, kisses it again, and recites his eternal slogan: "Ce que femme veut arrive!"

*

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At noon the car stops in front of an eighteenth-century palace. While ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- rings the bell, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- whispers: "Maybe it is interesting after all, to encounter this German luminaryKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- face to face. Since he belongs to a race that has a quite prominent interest in scientific research that this interest could possibly further the desire in a man to be created in God's image..."

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"For heaven's sake, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- interrupts him, giggling, "don't hold a lecture out here now..."

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"But why, I mean just that..."

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"...that we should keep all of this for later, dear."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- grabs the friend's free hand. "ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , I just mean... I just hope that... How can I say that..."

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- looks at her friend, who is paling from excitement, sternly. "Speak... Speak, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ..."

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He gathers his thoughts. His eyes gleam wet. And then he emits this sentence: "... that he won't see me as a sad defector, - - because - - I would rather be a woman than a man..."

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"No, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , I promise you." And ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- takes his head in both her caring, woman's hands, balances on the tips of her pumps and quickly plants a heartfelt kiss on the friend's mouth. And then recoils quickly. There are footsteps sounding from the inside.

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The door opens. A servant receives them. And before he has reported the couple, they are approached by a tall, slender gentleman. His dark blue dress suit accentuates his stiff elegance in an almost military manner. His hair is combed back and lies like a dark, blank
[Page 13]
mass above his high forehead, while his small, American style cut beard on his upper lip has a slight, blonde tone.

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As AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- later tried to recall this face, the eyes wiped everything else away in his mind... These greyish-blue, deep-set eyes that were both bright and dark radiated a strange, spellbinding kind of magic.

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This was Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ...

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt his heart beating. As the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ceremoniously led them into the salon, exchanging a few words with ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- realized for the first time in his life that German was a beautiful, musical language....

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This is a strange voice, this German voice, he thinks to himself, almost as if hidden by a veil – - and yet, this voice is strong, as if it was used to giving orders that were only to be met with unconditional obedience.

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Yes, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- feels that nobody would dare to contradict this voice.

* * *

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He listens to the conversation the two are having as if it were in a dream... Even as ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- throws him a quick, loving glance, while she relates his tale of woe to the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , talking fast and in a hushed voice.

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This voice... AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- can't think of anything else, can't feel anything else. It is as if he is enchanted, enchanted by this voice. It much resembles the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's eyes, it is both bright and dark at the same time. It penetrates the other, the eyes, the voice. Into the farthest reaches of one's soul...

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And what will this voice have to tell him now... and those eyes, what will they proclaim with their gaze?....

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A death sentence?.... Is he expecting anything else?... Is he expecting anything at all? Has he come here with any goal other than that? Don't ask... Just listen...

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And suddenly the harsh reality touches him again. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- is standing in front of him, barely looking at him, speaks only a few, brief words to him. He follows the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- into a room adjacent to the salon. Possibly the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's study, where the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- commands him to undress. I am now like a sleepwalker, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- thinks, distant and foggy. He has to obey, without his own will... He wants to say something... Looking for German words...

Page 14
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"Not to worry, sir, you don't need to give me any explanations." The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- interrupts him considerately.

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"It hurts here, correct? ... And there... And there, too, correct?" and slowly his hand glides across AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' body, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- just nods, meekly and quietly... And an almost panicked astonishment overcomes him. How does this stranger know where his pains live?

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And this astonishment then increased to sheer stupefaction as the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- takes a number of photographs out of an envelope – photographs of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. that Miss ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- had secretly handed him – and spreads them on the table between them in the order of the years that are noted down on their backs, although the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- did not pay those notes any attention.

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"So there we have the development…" the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- said, plainly. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- does not even nod.

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"And as I'm hearing, you have been treated with X-rays by a radiologist... Without him even having performed any prior chemical or microscopical analysis... Odd... And also very dangerous. So this guy acted pretty haphazardly. Impossible to say what he did with that. Since everything is so abnormal with you, your ovaries are probably so deep down, he could possibly have destroyed them... them along with the afflicted organs..."

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"Ovaries..." AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- uttered the word like a scream. "I... You say I have...?" He did not get any further. He can barely breathe from excitement. The world is spinning around him...

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"But of course, naturally!" the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- replies unmoved and objectively, though subdued by the timbre of his voice, which was now very discreet and soft. Again and again AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had to think of that slightly veiled sound... And not just AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ... the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- continues, "see, since you possess both male and female organs, none of the two sets has had enough room to fully develop. You are very lucky that you feel as a woman.... Because that is your only hope. And because of that, I will be able to help you."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- follows an urge to touch his heart. He leans forward to be as close as he can to catch every single word the strange man is saying in
[Page 15]
the moment he says them. He meets the strange man's eyes head on, to see the words reflected in his gaze...

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"And it is really about time that you are being helped," the strange man says now ... and he sits down on a chair in front of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , beholding him knowingly... "Don't be too shocked by my words. But it is a miracle that you are still alive. I can see your condition all too clearly..."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is now quivering. "And... ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ... And what should I... What..."

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The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- has risen from his chair, paces up and down his workroom as if lost in thought, turns around to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . And again AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is drinking up his words...

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"Come and see me in GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe. I will give you a new life and a new youth."

ts-trc02p042

Those words were spoken very factually.... so unboundedly simple.

ts-trc02p043

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has sat up. He is at a loss for words. He finds them eventually.

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"So... It will be LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who ... will be allowed ... to live?"

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"Yes." Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- replies. "I will perform the operation myself, and give you new, strong ovaries. That means a drastic rejuvenation for you, in a short amount of time. New vigor. This procedure will help you over any arrests in your development, that you were afflicted with right as puberty hit. But, before I can begin you will need to undergo a number of examinations in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. When that is done, you should come see me in my women's clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden in DresdenDresden -- City in Germany."

ts-trc02p046

This was the closure of this first, fateful conversation between the strange man and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , who was still sitting there, breathless. ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- came in, the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- leading her by the arm. She stood in front of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , caressing him like a mother... She forced a smile, in order to not let her emotions show.

ts-trc02p047

"That will be quite something for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to go to this famous clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden that is frequented by women the world over!" she exclaimed. "and then there will be a new woman's heart added to all the countless others that thank you from the bottom of their hearts for their life and their health, ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ."

Page 16
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Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- silently condoned the compliment with an awkward smile that gave him a youthful charm.

ts-trc02p049

Pondering he keeps standing there by himself,... then suddenly looks at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ... then at ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ... "May I ask openly?" he says, his gaze wandering from one to the other.

ts-trc02p050

"Please," says AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , "I have no secrets whatsoever from Madame ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ... Right ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ?..."

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Instead of an answer, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- takes the hand of his friend and kisses it, again.

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"Well," the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- starts again, and the shy, boyish smile plays around his mouth again, "As I hear, you are... married..."

ts-trc02p053

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is now glowing with embarrassment...

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"Your marriage... Maybe you can explain a few things to me, because you know, as a medical practitioner..."

ts-trc02p055

Everyone in the room felt the amazement of the moment and also the self-explanatory nature of the question.

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"Maybe I should go..." ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- asked her friend discreetly and sparingly.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- grabbed ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . "No ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . Don't go. Don't..."

ts-trc02p058

The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- comes to help. His smile acts as a relief in the situation. "How is it for example with... Well, I heard the name LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. right now, and you articulated it back there too. I mean, how is it with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and men... Do men have an interest in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.?..."

ts-trc02p059

"Oh my, yes," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- exclaims, laughing, "oh yes, my dear ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , the attraction LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has to the world of men is quite unbelievable.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- wants to interrupt her. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- now smiles jovially. "Please, let the woman speak." And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- just accepts his fate. ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- gleams at him: "I have seen little LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. play her game with my own eyes, at several carnivals and balls in fact... Eventually she is being chased like game! Isn't it true?"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- just stares at the wall. He cannot bring himself to smile.

ts-trc02p062

The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- is back to being purely factual. "What you are telling me, dear Madam, is quite in accordance with the picture I have of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..
[Page 17]
And I believe that later LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s – if I may for convenience's sake say "her" – attractiveness may still increase... Besides, this procedure, which is quite necessary, because it is the first of its kind, will certainly result in some odd situations, certainly within the legal realm. But," and now he positioned himself closely in front of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , taking his prospective patient's hand, "I promise you, I will not leave little LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. alone and I will assist her with the first steps into her new life."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- looked down upon the hand of the stranger... he did not know what to do... he looked around the room, helplessly... let go of the stranger's hand and raised both arms towards ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , as if pleading for help, who then rushed towards him, sinking willingly into his embrace.

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And so both of them stood there... closely intertwined... Quietly ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- loosens herself... and then puts one arm and then the other upon her sobbing friend.

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"ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , my sweet friend..." he stammers the words, tears flowing down his face... "What comes next, this life... it will be something I have nothing to do with... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ... You have the life... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ..., you have saved it. Without you... I would have never come here..."

ts-trc02p066

Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- stood at the window, looking out.

ts-trc02p067

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- raised his tear streaked face from ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's embrace and searched for the stranger with his eyes. As he saw him standing there, encased by the light floating in through the window, he grew out of the darkness into the light. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- would never find himself able to forget the image as long as he was still AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . The face of the man now slowly turned towards him, with a clear cut, even profile that stood out in a narrow angle in the play of light and shade. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- removed himself from the window, facing AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- fully... And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- approaches him. And Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- raises his arms, and opens both hands. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- grips those strong, reliable hands without a word. And Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- embraces AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' hands, regards this human being whom he has only known for a few minutes, and says very quietly: "I understand you. You have suffered a lot."

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III

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Meanwhile GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog wait for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' return to the small atelier apartment.

ts-trc03p002

HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog is the third member of the tiny household: she is a tiny girl dog, -@Translator: SW with a white coat and pinkish snout and feet, resembling a delicate liver paté with truffles. And just like a real life Strassbourgian fois gras, HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog is covered with a lovely layer of fat. Which does not keep her from appearing remarkably slender, delicate even, in GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's paintings. HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog resembled a lamb, or a fawn, if not even a certain elven fairytale creature portrayed on countless old, gothic tapestries and Gobelins...

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HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog has also been the educator of the Sparre family for quite a while now, and she is quite successful at her job. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had long since learned to give in to HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog's moods and mannerisms. HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog is the most important person up here. HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog does not accept dissent, like every domestic tyrant. HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog knows this. But HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog also sincerely takes part in all sorrows and joys of family life... Especially in the meals, although there, too HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog's peculiar taste is honored.

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In return, HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog respects AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' love of music, especially for performances on the grammophone, and does not hold back uttering applause, especially when it comes to WagnerWagner (historical) -- German composer records. So in order to pass the hours of high tension during AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' absence, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- has put on a Parcival record. This has resulted in HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog taking refuge with a veal chop bone and performing an Indian war dance, hoping to drown out distant sounds of thunder and other threatening or painful noises...

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Although HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog is a native Parisian, which is a spot of bother for the city's high society, she exclusively plays with dolls from HollandHolland -- . A friend of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , and thus also a friend of HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog, is the donor of these toys, because she is a happy owner of a whole family of Pekinese, and through them has gained quite some insights into canine nature.

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But HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog is bent on ignoring all of her Dutch playthings today, in spite of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's heartfelt encouragements. HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog ignores all attempts to exchange the bone with a doll, the dolls are made of cotton and therefore noiseless.

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HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog has slender, mother of pearl colored nails – since they are connected to HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog they hardly qualify as claws. She polishes them on the silken coverings of the old rococo furniture. This beauty regimen did not pass the beauty of the old armchairs by without a trace. Which is why they look somewhat distressed, which caused especially ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- to utter the odd, small reproach, since she pays attention also to the orderliness of and respect for so-called dead things, which in her view are indeed alive and possess a real soul. HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog lounges on a divan. And in spite of HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog's tininess, she has managed to have the divan resemble a respectable stork's nest in the middle of its seating area. Only when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- or AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- are unwell and require some resting time on the divan, HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog is willing to give up her nesting place and accept a smaller place over the heads or at the feet of her housemates. However, if one of the two is actually, truly sick and requires bed rest, HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog will retain her stork's nest on the divan, and nobody will be able to shoo her away from it, since in such cases, HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog is a lot sicker and a lot more requiring rest then the actual patient...

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The Parcival record had long since been replaced by a sound-film record. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- is so tense she can barely contain herself. Hours have passed since AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- left. HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog has occupied her usual place, and purrs like a kitten. Suddenly she jumps up, sits down, perks up the left ear first, then the right, then both at the same time... growls... and shoots towards the entrance like an arrow, howling and yapping at the same time...

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As AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- steps through the door, it almost appears as if the tiny dog is trying to murder the long awaited man.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is pale as if he was on death's door. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- came rushing towards him. She has to hold her lover's hand, guides him towards the divan, where he
[Page 20]
drops down, as if he was shattered.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- sits by his side for a long while, not saying a word. HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog also doesn't stir, only gazing at the exhausted man with sorrowful eyes. "No need to talk, dear," she says to him mildly, caressing him soothingly... suspecting everything...

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- starts to speak, she listens with her eyes closed. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , too, talks with his eyes closed. What is a dream now? What is real? This question moves GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's woman's heart.

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She listens to every word of him describing the strange encounter with the German ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , he tries describing...

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Is that what begins now, salvation, the salvation for the friend, the partner? GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's heart asks the question and buries it within. Where does the way lead him now? Her? Both of them? ...

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A thousand questions and worries again descend on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...

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And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- keeps telling his story, completely shaken by the preceding experience, keeps sputtering word fragments... heart fragments, as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- feels...

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And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- with her attentive wit, always focused on what's important, while she now quietly opens her eyes -@Translator: SW again, beholding the friend, lying there as if out of breath, she feels it: a change in fate is approaching... A farewell to a creature ... and a dying ... and then, who knows what comes then.... A resurrection as a different being ... a rebirth ...?

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Then AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- twitches, suddenly sits up, takes GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's hand in a tight grip, caresses it, while his grasp gets ever softer: "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , little, sweet GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , don't be sad any more."

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And she isn't sad. Her eyes are on him.

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"Speak, dearest. Just speak," she says.

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And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- now stands in front of her, holding her hand.

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He guides her to an easel standing in front of a window in her atelier, lit up by the calm and shadowless northern sky. A large painting leans on the easel. On it, three female figures are shown, united in sisterhood. -@Translator: SW In front of them lies a shimmering bright, delicate creature, a whippet...

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One of the women bears GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's features ... another ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's ... and between them as if protected by two sisters, a third... And she bears AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' features... But no, not AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- '...

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They both stop there... deeply shaken... AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- fumbles for words... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- caresses him and caresses him some more...

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ," he begins, out of a deep disturbance of the heart. His hand points towards the woman's face in the middle of the painting. "Thank you, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . Because you always ... until the end, believed in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ... You know, I have never, never been able to doubt it... I knew it, knew the day would come... My dearest... I have spent my own, poor life, listening to breeze and tree and cloud... As I was wandering around outside, painting... as well as I could... and finally... Oh why talk about it... That I finally no longer wanted to paint... Couldn't do it anymore... But I was always truthful and attentive outside... I sensed it grew out there, out of its seed... Every blade of grass and every bush told me of their souls... Every house, every street, wherever I went with my sketchbook, my canvas, everything bared its heart... How should I be mistaken when I listened and listened to my innermost self, and felt that there was something... something new ... Oh, how to say it, that something new was getting ready?...."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- smiled ... a distant smile... It was not for the painting they stood in front of, which like many of her paintings with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s distant yet close features might seem like an incantation. It was the face from last night's dream ... that white shape...

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"I am so happy," she said.

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"I am so happy," he said.

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Then they both fell silent.

*

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- collapsed on the evening of that ominous, fateful day.

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He cried for hours, his face buried in the cushions of the divan. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- tried fruitlessly to calm his nerves, to reason with him.

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His resistance was spent.

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The final words the strangerKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- said to him kept ringing in his ears. He kept hearing that odd, somewhat veiled voice: "You have suffered a lot..."

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Because only now did he dare to admit to himself the pain and anguish he had gone through in the past few years.
[Page 22]
Now he could be open with himself...

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In the following days he tries pulling himself together.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- is with him all the time. She calmingly talks to him. "You have to be happy now. You are allowed to be happy now. Everything will be good again."

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And he begins to regain courage again. "The strangerKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- promised me a new youth... No, not to me... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. will be allowed to live, he said... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.... That is the new youth that awaits me..."

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He keeps saying these words to himself. They turn into his guide through these days, these hard days and weeks...

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A new youth...Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- promised it to him...

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Days of anxious expectation follow...

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Days of deepest depression, a terrible despair, - relieved by days of the merriest upswings... Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had promised to give him news... a signal to depart... A signal for his "nova vita"...

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Everything should be prepared for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' reception on foreign shores... And as soon as everything was prepared, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- should receive news... Days of the worst torture of the soul...

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Days without end...

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And yet also days of expectation and happiness...

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And the days crept by... And sleepless nights lay between those days like blighted coasts.

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In one of those nights, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has this dream: He is on a train to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. The trip crosses northern Francenorthern France -- Country in Europe. Faster and faster the train rushes, until the swerving of the train ceases altogether, and he feels as if the racing train moves across unbounded distances... No sound reaches his ear. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- sits at the window, gazing upon forests and fields... Suddenly he spots a supernaturally tall, sinister rider, clouded in fog, that tries to outrace the train. He rode so fast that his cloak stands in the wind like a sail. – It is night. The train swooshes ahead like a gale, no stops anywhere. Only that, wherever there are stations, a devilish noise rises, and in the flickering lights of the platform AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- recognizes the terrible, black rider... The dark transforms into a
[Page 23]
sheer blackness, as if it had never been touched by the sun... and the landscape, too, lay there in darkness as if it had never known what the sun was... Suddenly all passengers tumble from the compartments, race through the hallways of the train cars towards the locomotive, to help out the stokers shoveling coals, coals, and more coals into the glowing light of the machine... The rider, the grim reaperTod (fictional) -- , is close behind them ... and every instance he snaps one of the stokers away, with a horrific grin, and then squishes the next one between his nails... The train loses car after car in the race. Finally, only the coal tender remains behind the locomotive... Now they have reached the end of the world, and the train falls into depths without end... But AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has jumped off... before the fall... he is standing on a narrow pathway that winds itself out of the ground like the edge of a knife... Suddenly LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. stands next to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ... He clasps her hand... The world lies there bathed in light... and the two of them rush on ... in wild flight.... DeathTod (fictional) -- has found them... and the black riderTod (fictional) -- has left his horse... He didn't race fast enough... and now keeps racing past them, without his mount ... wilder and wilder in his rage... But LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is tiring... and the ReaperTod (fictional) -- closes in on the two... AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- calls out: "Hurry, little sister, hurry ... I will now fight DeathTod (fictional) -- and keep him at bay!" ... And LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., the little sister, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. hurried and hurried along ... as if carried by storm winds... And she hears AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- struggling, wrestling with DeathTod (fictional) -- . But it doesn't last long. DeathTod (fictional) -- has raised him up and sucked all life from him and cast him into unending depths, -where his body is tumbling down like a wilted leaf... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. reaches the furthest end of the narrow pathway... There she raises both arms upwards and falls into the arms of a tall shape, clad in whiteweissbekleideten Gestalt (fictional) -- ... while DeathTod (fictional) -- rushed to grab her... But now the dream experience transforms from all the terrors-as if into a apotheosis: the white figureweissbekleideten Gestalt (fictional) -- grew large and powerful with giant wings. And the shapeweissbekleideten Gestalt (fictional) -- fights DeathTod (fictional) -- , and the white wings fill the lands with their wooshing... They were on an island full of silver birch trees.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has sunken to her knees, quivering. A small, light reddish, gothic angelweissbekleideten Gestalt (fictional) -- keeps her upright... within her the swoosh of the mighty wings still roar, as DeathTod (fictional) -- collapsed in front of the guardian spiritweissbekleideten Gestalt (fictional) -- and disappeared into the depths.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- could never forget this dream. And not just AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . But he didn't tell anyone of the dream.

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One night though he said to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- : "I have to think of my old school principal. He told us the story of the negroes on Saint CroixSt. Croix -- , who rioted a day before their liberation from slavery. I understand that now. I can't wait any longer either."

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The next day he went to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . She received him in her dressing room.

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"Tell me," he began, "I did meet Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , that is the truth is it not? And he promised to help me. I did not just dream that?"

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , who was about to make a visit and had to change clothes, did this in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' full view. He was surprised by her lack of shame at first.

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She laughed at him impishly.

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"I see you making surprised eyes, my dear AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ."

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He blushed, a little helplessly.

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- kept laughing. "Well, my behavior is just supposed to demonstrate to you that I already today regard you as a girlfriend, and that the conversation with our German doctorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- has not been a dream."

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A few days later, on a Monday morning, a telegram arrived at ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's, sent from a girlfriend in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany Baronin Schildt (fictional) -- Modeled on Anne-Marie Goldschmidt-Rothschild: AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- should arrive in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany the following Saturday the very latest, and check into a designated hotel there... The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- supposedly lived in that hotel whenever he visited BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany... At the hotel, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was to find a letter...

- - -

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Two days later already AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was on his way... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- accompanied him to the train.

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He had barely spoken since the arrival of the telegram. He felt like a somnambulist... like a dream walker. Every joy, every pain he hid within. Even at the station he did not let anyone see his boundless excitement. A few moody remarks ... that was all that he
[Page 25]
let come over his lips. Being alone ... being alone ... being away from here. A flight into a new fate... An escape from past and present. And: no thinking until he was at his destination. The destination... What destination? ... he did not dare think...

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All this swirled in his brain... Nobody should notice. Nobody. And as the train slowly got moving, he waved a smiling farewell to both his beloved girlfriends... His face was rigid like a mask...

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IV

ts-trc04p001

The train slowly gains speed. It takes a while for the machine to reach its cruising speed.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has a window seat. He sits there, staring ahead, dully. His gaze seems empty. He does not perceive anything. He does not see anything of the confusing sea of buildings of the sprawling cityParis -- City in France, the broad maze of train tracks to the right and the left disappearing slowly behind him, sees nothing of the suburbs and mansion quarters of ParisParis -- City in France that supersede each other in succession, which glide past in accelerating pace. And finally only individual groupings of houses in the middle of gardens, bits and pieces of small towns, and finally only fields under the open sky and the ebb and flow of the telegraph strings, like a billowing sea full of the masts of sunken ships. And bright, colorful, meaningless billboards scream down the train tracks like the calls of people lost ... "Cinzano"... "L'hiver en EgypteEgypt -- " Without him realizing he imitates their call... This brings a smile to his face...

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Out of habit he has lit a Caporal-cigarette. He smokes one after the other... He hardly registers that he is smoking... He taps off the ash mechanically on occasion. He stares mechanically into the blue-grey smoke of the cigarette...

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He falls prey to a complete lethargy of the mind, the kind that follows all too hasty travel preparations in the moment of sudden loneliness when, after finding oneself alone as the train pulls away, one is doomed to inactivity, for an eternity.

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A terrible thought pushes into AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- 's mind as he suddenly realizes he is abandoned to himself ...How to escape?... Fear fills him... Yet a few moments later, this fear is superseded by a sudden bout of longing... Something stirs in him. His stiffness eases... His inner rigidity had almost transformed during these last days in ParisParis -- City in France -- now, during the first half hour of being alone in the compartment has been revealed to him - transformed. Ever since that hour that he knew that salvation and hope existed for him... ever since ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- had handed him the telegram from BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany... And now he remembers: he had sent a letter to the stranger in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany Kreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- the very same day... And since he
[Page 27]
put the letter, this odd, hot letter, in the mailbox, he had been overcome by this stiffness... Like an iron curtain that had set on his torn soul...

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Suddenly the two beloved faces appear in front of him ... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- .. one face next to the other... his companion for many, many years, and through many, many triumphs and defeats... girlfriends both... and slowly both of their faces join into one... he can no longer tell one from the other ... he has but one name left for them: home... home... and now he remembers: ParisParis -- City in France... yes, both of them mean ParisParis -- City in France to him... and now he has left them all... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ... ParisParis -- City in France...

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The big metropolis has long since vanished from view... He looks out the window, as if looking for them... ParisParis -- City in France... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...

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He had not even leaned out the window earlier, when it was time to say farewells... The Eiffel TowerEiffel Tower -- In Paris, France... the white reflection in the air of the sky high dome: Sacre CoeurSacré-Coeur -- ... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ... All had sunken ... lay there as if wiped away under the hazy horizon of the flickering distance... Forever....

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Forever? Fear touched him.... Yes, forever! Because he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , will never return to ParisParis -- City in France. He knows that...

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Maybe a different creature... He can't finish the thought. A scream wants to escape him. What people call heart, he feels that now... because a wild pain is quivering in him... And now he has to pull himself together again....

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ParisParis -- City in France... Just think of ParisParis -- City in France... With its blue-grey, eternally smiling sky... with its witty, somewhat ironic and yet compassionate expression, that the city on the SeineSeine -- Paris -- City in France presents to everyone, which appears like a pardon for stranger and local alike, as forgiving as a good, faithful, understanding sister...

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ... ParisParis -- City in France... This triad accompanies him, the fugitive... fugitive... fugitive... in the rhythm of the journey he suddenly hears it: fugitive ... fugitive ...

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No... he is not a fugitive... he is ... But what is he?...

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A bell sounds in the hallway and someone exclaims: "Le dejeuner premier
[Page 28]
service." Everyone leaves the compartment...

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Now, that everyone has gone, he realizes for the first time that there were three other people in his compartment, a woman and two gentlemen...

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Suddenly he is afraid of being alone. He follows the others. Takes a seat in the restaurant car. He barely touches the meal he ordered, wanders back and stops in front of the window of the hallway. He has to hold on to something. Sneakily the old pain is creeping back in. He feels every bump of the wagon axles against the rail joints...

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The train races through northern Francenorthern France -- Country in Europe. Now it has become a true express... He checks his watch. Not even three o'clock... How slow time is passing... uninfluenced by the racing pace of the train...

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He leans into the corner of his window seat... Between ruins new towns grow from the landscape... Here and there are strange, giant squares with fantastical plantings... No... those are not seed fields... those are fields of crosses... soldiers' graveyards... plantations of death... cross next to cross... into eternity...

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This reminds him of the recent night's strange dream: the sinister rider, DeathTod (fictional) -- , chasing his train...

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His pain grows... he doesn't want to pay them any attention...

ts-trc04p021

The face from the dream refuses to leave him...

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"If only I get to my destination first." He thinks. "How much more terrible is reality compared to a dream. I could escape the rider of DeathTod (fictional) -- ... but from my pain ... from myself... can I escape myself?..."

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He has to think of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ... Why did he not allow her to come along? She had asked him for it. She never left him alone. Never. And now he forced her to stay behind in ParisParis -- City in France... And to wait... No, don't let it get you down, it screams within him. He pulls himself together again, quickly, lights another cigarette and turns off his thoughts...

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The train has reached the customs border between BelgiumBelgium -- and FranceFrance -- Country in Europe. He looks out the window apathetically. The compartment is now
[Page 29]
filled to the last seat.

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The drive through BelgiumBelgium -- happens at a snail's pace... Occasionally he paces through the restaurant car, tosses down a cocktail just to kill time ... It is not even six in the evening. ... The train stops at every tiny village. Slowly people enter and exit, as if they had an abundance of time...

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Finally they reach the German border. And a new locomotive adds new energy to the trip... Night slowly trickles down. The train swoops into darkness...

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He has sat in the restaurant car for a long while, drank and ate, to numb himself... But also the pain caused by the shaking and rocking of the train... He has to return to his compartment. He can barely keep himself up straight in the corridor. Finally he is back, lying in his corner. He grits his teeth. He closes his eyes.

ts-trc04p028

Now he has burned all bridges behind him... everything is behind him... in unreachable depths... the past... How strange it sounds: the past... His whole life seems to him like something past... something lost... something astray. He takes apart the meaning of the words: past... astray...

ts-trc04p029

And now he lets himself be dragged into this strange land... Lets himself be chased into... GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe... He got to know it only in passing, when passing through. And now this is supposed to become the land of his change in fate... His rebirth... Or...

ts-trc04p030

He does not want to think about it. But it doesn't give him peace... Would it not have been better to refrain from this fantastical experiment?.... Because it is still an experiment that they want to do with him... Would it now have been more reasonable to live this life as it was given to him to the end, to see it through, to let it all ebb out of him?...

ts-trc04p031

He thinks of the letter he recently wrote to Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- : "I pledge myself to you, come life or death, as long as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. gets to live on..." Yes, he had written this a few days ago... And he had to keep his word... And everything of male pride that he still possesses is stirring, touches him. "I have to get to my destination. I have to persevere." He says to himself, under his breath, so that a few of his fellow travelers look at him, questioningly...

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ts-trc04p032

He has to smile... as to smile at himself... He often did that when fate and sorrow tried smothering him. He is a Dane for a reason.. Copenhagener... Nothing is seen as tragic there... everything receives a smile...

ts-trc04p033

So, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- says to himself, let's write our own obituary... It could be ... No, let's not get tragic.

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And then he formulates his obituary as an artist as follows:

ts-trc04p035

"The painter Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is dead. He died on the train between ParisParis -- City in France and BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. His fellow travelers believed him to have fallen asleep in his place in the corner by the window of his compartment – until the train car rocked strongly, possibly from passing over a long switch, and his body fell over. Only then could the cause of his death be determined. The cause of death was probably a heart attack.

ts-trc04p036

The happy and harmonious life of an artist found its too early and sudden end. He was still a young person, a man in his best years, with what seemed like a promising future. He seemed to have found his own style recently, after searching and experimenting for a long time. And his latest paintings were found to bear the mark of artistic security and human knowledge. His pictures, most of them created in FranceFrance -- Country in Europe and ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, were sometimes bright and radiating with color, sometimes dark and somewhat gloomy, - but always full of mood and a sense of nature. He preferred two inspirations before all: ParisParis -- City in France and its banks of the SeineSeine -- banks of the Seine -- , bridges and towers, which he could reproduce in their pearly grey, quietly veiled atmosphere, and also landscapes under oppressive skies filled with storms, that served him as a canvas to let buildings and trees light up hectically. – Especially paintings of this kind were a huge success in the large Parisian salons. It was pictures of this latter kind, those powerful, very manly thunderstorm pieces, in which Andreas Sp.Andreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- found release of his talent.

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We who knew his delicate, often times effeminate appearance, his smiling, almost funny conversational tone, whenever we visited him in his atelier in ParisParis -- City in France, we saw this with wonderment and often had the thought, that everything manly in him, found expression in those strong, somewhat wild and idiosyncratic pictures. In those he manifested an almost pointed virility.

ts-trc04p038

He painted very fast. And so it came to pass that he found the time to concern himself with many other things besides painting. He was interested in everything between heaven and earth. His knowledge was quite comprehensive. He was at home in all areas of the arts. One answer we heard from his own mouth was quite distinctive, in TrianonTrianon -- , directed at an older colleague of his. This man had stated his irritation about his younger colleague's beginning of paintings in a too systematic way. "You have to forgive me that I don't share your opinion," Andreas Sp.Andreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- replied. "But, I don't believe it is possible to paint the petal of a rose correctly, if one does not know the influences of bas-relief of the Assyrians and the sculptures of the Greeks..." Another time he said the following: "I don't get it, how most of my contemporaries treat their art. How quick and easy they are content with their efforts. For me, I fully expect it to take a thousand years before I have become a somewhat acceptable painter." That is how serious his art was for Andreas Sp.Andreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili --

ts-trc04p039

He spent most of his life away from his home in DenmarkDenmark -- Country in Europe, - out in EuropeEurope -- , in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, HollandHolland -- , GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe, - FranceFrance -- Country in Europe. Most of the time he lived in ParisParis -- City in France. "I am neither a Dane, nor
[Page 31]
a Frenchman. No, certainly not French," he was often heard saying. "But I am Parisian. And if that is not a nationality, then I might just not have one."

ts-trc04p040

The reason he had already turned his back to CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark in his younger years, albeit his art was highly valued there from the beginning, was that CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark and DenmarkDenmark -- Country in Europe did not seem to him like the right soil for his wife's art, the way Grete Sp.Grete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- painted. In CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark he had to hear a lot about how people preferred his own paintings to those of his wife. And that was probably the worst thing one could have said about his work. He felt more at home in ParisParis -- City in France for the reason alone that the opposite was the case there. His wife's successes felt like his own. Because the main trait of his personality was a sense of chivalry towards his wife, and also towards all women. He lacked ambitions for his own person. Also in regard to his artistic talent. He applied the strictest of standards to himself.

ts-trc04p041

His was, by the way, a very complicated, problematic nature. In spite of the various influences one is exposed to in ParisParis -- City in France, he remained a true Nordic talent in painting, his art was not concerned with the Romanesque, but completely with all things Germanic. His personality was European. He socialized constantly with French philosophers and writers, with Polish violinists, with Asian architects and German painters.

ts-trc04p042

He wrote a book on Nordic legends with a French friendCh. Gyuot (historical) -- , which has seen many reprints in FranceFrance -- Country in Europe, in ParisParis -- City in France. This made him a fairly widely read author, at least for Danish circumstances. He was not just a little proud of that. And he was pleased having opened the eyes of Romanesque readers to the Germanic world of ideas, which was an undertaking that deserves praise as creating an intellectual bridge, especially for the time after the first World War--the book appeared in 1924. Thanks to his outstandingly sharp mind he had become one of the foremost interpreters of EuropeEurope -- 's most noble muses. In this, too, he proved himself a mediator and negotiator.

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Without being a practicing musician himself, he cultivated a deep love for music. In this field, too, he possessed a deep understanding and a not insignificant knowledge.

ts-trc04p044

All these encompassing studies and interests had occupied his free time, and now, in the midst of his best years, he was well equipped to realize his best work, which was a dream of his.

ts-trc04p045

His health had not been too good in the past few years. He had complained of pain a lot, but always in a restrained, smiling way, so that even the doctors he eventually had to consult could not have seen or would have easily mistaken the quality of his physical well-being.

ts-trc04p046

Now death has – suddenly, and to the deepest anguish of his many friends, near and far – snuffed out this bright and sympathetic artist's life, an artist's life that was dedicated to serious work and the most sacred struggle for art itself, and that must seem like an unfinished novel to those of us who knew him."

ts-trc04p047

"Full stop," said AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to himself, smiling, "Full stop." And he thought that the way he had phrased it, someone else would have secretly written this down in a diary, someone else, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , his young wife, his most faithful companion... Not so long ago, they all, her too, thought that he, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , would take off in secret, incapable of keeping on living. One night he had found her sleeping over her diary... One night, which
[Page 32]
followed a day of the worst collapses of his body and mind. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- never learned of him reading her "diary entry." And when she found him dissolved in tears, he did not want to tell her why he was crying...

ts-trc04p048

"Yes," he now said to himself, "this is what you will be reading about me in a certain paper in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, if I am in their good graces. But if a so-called ‘good colleague' at a less well-intentioned paper gets this, ‘the flute would get a different sound'..."

ts-trc04p049

And he remembered an encounter with one of those "good graces" on the "StrögStrog -- " in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, when he was holding an exhibition there. "To tell you my true opinion," the venerable one began, but AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- interrupted and said with a smile: "Let's not. As you know, I am quite the boxer." And the man suddenly shrank like a freshly pierced pig's bladder, and had disappeared without a sound. A quiet laugh shakes him thinking of this memory... But the laugh died... Uncanny pains began raging inside him again. The rocking of the train car, the bump of the wheels caused him a nameless pain.

ts-trc04p050

AachenAix -- had long passed them. Would they never reach CologneCologne -- City in Germany, he whimpered.

ts-trc04p051

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- did not order a sleeping compartment. He always detested this kind of modern travel comfort... Getting cooped up with strange people did not agree with him. An insurmountable shame kept him from disrobing in the presence of other men. Only when traveling with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- could he muster using a sleeping car. Many had laughed at him for this. Only GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- understood his aversion...

ts-trc04p052

There is CologneCologne -- City in Germany, finally. All fellow travelers leave the compartment. They have places to sleep, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- thinks happily. He is alone. Being alone seems like redemption. Hopefully, he will be able to spend the whole night like this, until they reach BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany...

ts-trc04p053

He gets up, stretches, paces around... He has become quite tired. Sleep. Sleep...

ts-trc04p054

After a short while, the train starts moving again. He has lit a new cigarette. Will his pains leave him in
[Page 33]
peace until he has reached his destination: BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany...? He folds his hands like a child... To just sleep through this night... Just to not have to think through this night... Just sleep... Just sleep...

ts-trc04p055

He lies down on the bench. Falls into a slumber.

ts-trc04p056

Then he jolts up again. Terrible pain pushes him back down into the upholstery. He is dizzy. A low, cotton like, slightly red fog surrounds him. And then there is only a void, a lightless void around him, and a deep abyss takes him in. His consciousness fades...

ts-trc04p057

After an eternity he finds himself on the compartment's floor. He looks around in confusion. He doesn't know. How long has he been lying there?

ts-trc04p058

He checks his watch. Twelve o'clock... Oh, my God, it is just midnight. Another seven tortuous hours to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany...

ts-trc04p059

He tries to rise. He succeeds, finally. He lays back down on the bench, carefully. Thank God he is alone in the compartment. Maybe he will still find sleep. The pain has subsided.

ts-trc04p060

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ," he speaks to himself, "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , to hold your hand now, your cool hand that has helped me so many times. You know, my hand too could help you many times, when you tormented yourself for my sake..."

ts-trc04p061

And he takes off his jacket, puts it under his head so he can lie somewhat higher, covers himself with his coat. He was so hot earlier... Now he is chilled. Is he running a fever? Maybe even a high fever? His pulse is racing. The light of the ceiling lamp is insufferable. He closes his eyes. The light seeps through his eyelids.

ts-trc04p062

He tries getting back up. Wants to close the drapes on the windows to the corridor. Turn of the light. He succeeds, eventually.

ts-trc04p063

And lies back down.

ts-trc04p064

The pain stirs back up again. The train races through a station. With a piercing noise. The low lamps on the station shimmer like milky, ghostly shadows. He pulls the coat over his face. That dream from recently... The dark, sinister rider... Is he on his trail?.. He has to have a fever. Is it the delirium that has grasped him?
[Page 34]
Wasn't there something in front of the window, outside? A shape? A rider?... The sinister rider? A cloak like a sail flew behind him through the dark of night... A pale head with empty, deep eye sockets...

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He realizes himself how all color rushes from his face.

ts-trc04p066

He has to seem as pale as death himself now. He hears the chattering of his teeth.

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He presses his eyelids down in despair. He wants to see nothing, wants not to know who is outside his window, racing him...

ts-trc04p068

The compartment is icy cold. A chill shakes him. Cold sweat trickles from his forehead. His hair is glued to his temples. Was it the rustling of the sinister cloak that he hears now? Yes, he can hear it now, clearly, very clearly, the rushing, louder and louder... Is this where the icy cold that's pouring through the window is coming from?

ts-trc04p069

The train slows, the ride ebbs.

ts-trc04p070

"HannoverHanover -- ? ... HannoverHanover -- !" someone calls. And again... very distant "HannoverHanover -- ."

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Hammer blows against wheels. They are closing in. Now they reached his train car. He can hear the blows underneath his window,- as if they were trying to break his skull. Between the blows he can hear voices speaking German. No matter how hard the noise, it still sounds as if the blows were dampened by cotton somehow...

ts-trc04p072

Doors are opened... and thrown shut again.

ts-trc04p073

Then there's a sharp whistle... The train shivers as if it's flexing its muscles. Slowly the train starts moving again. Maybe it is tired, like he is, would rather rest instead engaging in yet another race... Onward to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, thinks AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , exhausted. He dully lies on his bench... Then jumps up... The door of his compartment is ripped open. The drapes are pushed aside.

ts-trc04p074

A lady stands in the doorway. Her outline sharply contoured against the light in the corridor.

ts-trc04p075

The dark of his compartment seems to make her a bit shy at first. But just at first. Then she throws a small suitcase up into the net on the wall and sinks slackly onto the
[Page 35]
corner seat next to the door.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- turns the light back on. He doesn't know that he is doing this. Just after the small room is brightly lit does he realize the completely mechanical motions he just went through.

ts-trc04p077

He suppresses his discontent about being ripped from his loneliness. The train won't stop again before reaching BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, he thinks, suddenly. A terrible thought. So there is no more hope of being alone. Maybe he should move into the adjacent compartment? Maybe it is empty... But he dismisses the thought at once. He cannot appear discourteous... He has to pull himself together. ...He feels his pains. He must not feel them. He does not want anyone to notice. Because there is still that much man in him that does not want to accept a strange creature's pity over his woes...

ts-trc04p078

Now he sits up right. Assumes a stiff posture.

ts-trc04p079

She is young and elegant.

ts-trc04p080

He observes her, without her noticing.

ts-trc04p081

He notices the expression of her eyes. She seems to not see him at all, seems not to know that she is sharing the small room with him.

ts-trc04p082

Maybe she didn't even notice him turning on the light... Maybe he could have left the compartment dark... How comfortable would he have been to pass the night in darkness... Now it is too late. He could ask her... but maybe she would misunderstand...

ts-trc04p083

He stares ahead... Looks at his fingers... But soon his eyes are back on her... That odd look, he thinks, as if this strange young woman looked straight through the wall of the compartment... Her eyes have such a distant stare... as if they beheld something unreal...

ts-trc04p084

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was overcome by an almost eerie feeling... Maybe she was just a trick his senses played? Did he have a fever high enough to have lost command over his imagination?

ts-trc04p085

The heat became unbearable. His throat was parched. He did not understand how it could have gotten this hot in the compartment all of a sudden? Just a moment ago he had been so cold that his teeth were chattering... When would this nightmarish pressure end? Would he ever reach
[Page 36]
BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany? Wasn't everything just a bad dream? When would time stop standing still? Why did time not race the train to the destination? Just like that sinister rider...

ts-trc04p086

Again the train rushed through a station with a devilish clamor. And again flickering, pale lights shone in through the window... He sprung from his seat to pull the curtains closer together still. Just don't look out the window ...

ts-trc04p087

Someone was crying.

ts-trc04p088

He looked around... He looked upon the young human child over there in the corner. Her face was glazed over with tears. Her crying is not disfiguring the face, he thought quietly. But the stranger was pale. And the tears are just gushing from her eyes. She must have noticed him looking at her... But she does not make the meekest attempt at hiding her crying or drying her tears.

ts-trc04p089

Or had she really not seen that he was sitting there?

ts-trc04p090

How odd women are, he thinks. Is there really such a big difference between women and men?... Do they have no pride at all? Are they really that weak?

ts-trc04p091

LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.... The question very quietly wells up inside him, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., will she become like this? ... Yes, actually she has always been like this... Just like that strange human child over there, that was now sobbing, as if abandoned by all the world.

ts-trc04p092

She has to be pretty young. Her ashen hair surrounds a narrow, unblemished girl's forehead. Her eyes are covered with tears, but certainly bright blue and can have somewhat a worry free look.. She has taken off her gloves... On the left she wears a plain band. So a bride...

ts-trc04p093

Her travel gown betrays good taste. Her finely painted mouth twitches with excitement...

ts-trc04p094

He suddenly feels a deep sense of compassion for this young, unhappy woman.

ts-trc04p095

"Mademoiselle," he starts, carefully.

ts-trc04p096

She seems to not hear him. He probably spoke too softly. The noise of the train covered his words.

ts-trc04p097

Then he remembers that he is in GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe.

ts-trc04p098

"Gnädiges Fräulein," he repeats, almost ashamed.

ts-trc04p099

She raises her tear stained eyes and meets his gaze
[Page 37]
and finds in his smile a reserved compassion. Her veiled stare loses all stiffness. Her eyelashes have a sweet, silvery sheen, which as he notices, comes from the tears... What a marvelous bride, he thinks.

ts-trc04p100

"I would very much like to help you," he says. "You must have gone through something terrible, mein Fräulein..."

ts-trc04p101

He doesn't get any further. She has pressed both hands in front of her face and cries and cries more heart-rending than before and then she hands him, sobbing, a piece of newspaper that she had clasped, folded up, the whole time. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- only notices that now. He takes the paper, does not know what do with it, has risen to his feet, sits down next to the crying woman, caresses her hand. She now calms down, puts her other hand on his and begins talking.

ts-trc04p102

Her fiancé, a well known musicianpianist XX of Hanover -- , traveled to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany the day before yesterday, to give a concert. Tonight he should have returned. On her way to the station she, by chance, bought a newspaper, the paper he is holding now, and in that she then reads...

ts-trc04p103

She points to the front page to one spot, cries again...

ts-trc04p104

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- reads: "The young pianist... from HannoverHanover -- pianist XX of Hanover -- , who gave a successful concert last night in the ... ballroom, crashed his automobile into a streetcar on the way back to his hotel... He is now interned at the hospital, having sustained heavy injuries ...His condition is cause of great concern..."

ts-trc04p105

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- read the report, shaken... He initially had offered his help to the unhappy bride... But what can he help her with?

ts-trc04p106

He now feels like an idle chatterer.

ts-trc04p107

And yet: However little he could help himself, for others he has often been able to alleviate pain through some mystical power residing within him... How often have GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- not confessed this to him? Would he have enough of this power still in this terrible night to give some sense of calm to this pained woman's heart?

ts-trc04p108

Her feverishly burning hands again lay in his. He kept
[Page 38]
her in his embrace for a long time. First they twitched like a captive little bird. But the twitches grew quieter and quieter, until they ceased altogether. He should have been able to find a few words of pathetic solace. He still knew that much German back from school. But he didn't say a word. He simply caressed the girl's soft hands... She too is quiet now. He could hear her low breathing. Just now and then a sob came out of her. And her breath becomes more even... Then AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- suddenly feels a slight pressure against his left shoulder. Her head has settled against him. She is asleep. Now he feels the beating of her heart against his own hand, which he had to wrap around her to give her support...

ts-trc04p109

And he smiled happily... So there still was some of that hidden, mysterious, puzzling ability to help others... Even today ... Even today ...

ts-trc04p110

He had tried moving a few times. But each time she twitched like a sick child whimpering in her slumber. So he remained sitting there, stiffly... However hard that was for him...

ts-trc04p111

And he closes his eyes. Maybe he will now be able to sleep a little. The train basically flew over the tracks. It was like a gliding rocking.

ts-trc04p112

And soon the racing movement had rocked him asleep.

ts-trc04p113

But soon after he awakes again. And he has to smile: how odd and full of surprises and connections is the life of people... And yet they write novels, those people...

ts-trc04p114

Here he sat in a random train compartment, he, Andreas Sp.Andreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- from CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, blown to ParisParis -- City in France by fate, and chased northward by a truly fantastical fate. A man unendingly burdened, who needs help and assistance like nobody else, and chance has chosen him, to give solace to this until recently complete stranger, a stranger burdened like him. Solace to help her over the possibly hardest hour of her life... And now this small, young German woman, this bride of a complete strangerpianist XX of Hanover -- , lay in his arms... And she and he, both of them, moved, guided by some blind foresight, towards their own fate... Somewhere in GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe...

ts-trc04p115

This he thought again and again... and did not
[Page 39]
get over it... He did not care for his pain, that was raging and digging within him... until he had nodded off again.

ts-trc04p116

A sob wakes him up... She looks at him with almost crazy eyes. The pale moonlight trickles through the curtains.

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"Oh, I am so sorry for waking you," he stammers, because without wanting to he shifted his position, let the arm he had enfolded her with go. She is crying again, like a whimpering child that a great injustice was done to, that is suffering, and that does not know why, he thinks, quietly, and then talks to her comfortingly, puts her head against his shoulder again, hugs her again, so he feels her heartbeat against his own arm pulsing, and soon she has fallen asleep again, closely snuggled against him. Odd, odd, he says to himself silently, how is all of this possible? And for what goal have things come together like this tonight?

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And then a few secret, very hot tears drip from his eyes. He catches them with his lips. They are salty. They are very painful. And he knows, why everything came together like this: this sweet creature from HannoverHanover -- that was now slumbering in his arms like a trusting child was sent to him as the last woman, that should mean a farewell from others in the deepest sense for him... This unfamiliar German girl, it was no longer unfamiliar to him now. Because she was sent to him so that as a man he could depart from the woman, from the eternal feminine... as a final meeting of the man with the woman...

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This was the way thoughts wafted like fog through him... Confused and tired and foreseeing... And outside, the train wooshed through the early morning mists into the sea of buildings that was BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany...

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He had to wake his travel companion.

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With a frightful exclamation she jolts from her slumber, looks at him, completely puzzled... "What will come now. What will come now?.. Oh he is dead. He is dead... He cannot be dead." Her words drown in tears.

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"Child," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- addresses her softly and with conviction and so securely. "Child, I don't even know your name, and you don't know mine, and that doesn't matter. But do believe me when I tell you that he is alive!"

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She has taken both of his hands and covers them in kisses.

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"No, no don't," he meekly objects. "You can be reassured now."

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"Oh, but I am fully calm, and that I thank you for. How you helped me. I will never forget that."

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A few minutes later they dove into a sea of people in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- looks after her for a long time. The piece of newspaper she gave him during the night is the only thing that he has of her. "I have helped you out... Yet I was not a lot farther away from death myself than your lover was... And I know now that both of us will live, he and me as well..."

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A few days later AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- read in the paper by chance that the groom of his unknown train companion pianist XX of Hanover -- was on the way to recovery.

Page 41

V

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- covers the short distance between the train station and the hotel on foot, accompanied by a luggage carrier.

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"What a devilish cold here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. On March first no less," he confesses with surprise to the man carrying his two small suitcases. "It's spring already in ParisParis -- City in France..."

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"Yes, in ParisParis -- City in France," the other man replied, staidly. "In ParisParis -- City in France." And that with that the conversation was over.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had put up his coat's collar. His teeth were literally chattering. He was overly tired after a sleepless night in the midst of a foreign world... But the unexpectedly chilly temperature woke him up again. And he has to smile as he hears the luggage carrier repeat his conclusion: "Yes, in ParisParis -- City in France." – And in addition to that, the small suitcases in the giant hands of the man.

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Suddenly, before even reaching the hotel, a thought strikes him: "These two suitcases contain my very last clothes, suits, collars.... What a great thought..."

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Like defiance awakening within him, as if the man in him was about to defend himself, the man in him. And this uproar comes up time and again during the days here in the "manliest metropolis in the world," which was what AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- called BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany earlier.

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At the hotel, where he had been expected, he is treated with the utmost courtesy. He immediately asks if Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- has possibly already arrived, since he used to frequent this hotel every weekend. This was not the case. He was disappointed. There also was no letter waiting for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- at the concierge.

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A few minutes later he is in his room. He takes a hot bath. He blissfully stretches his limbs. He felt as if only now, taking a bath, he could be free of the eerie nightmare that had almost smothered him during the eternally long train ride...

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And after breakfast, all that gloom is forgotten.

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's woman friendBaronin Schildt (fictional) -- Modeled on Anne-Marie Goldschmidt-Rothschild, the person who sent that fateful telegram which had caused his coming to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, is the first human being who called him here.

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"Welcome to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany," it sounded out of the telephone. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- immediately recognized the voice of Baroness SchildtBaronin Schildt (fictional) -- Modeled on Anne-Marie Goldschmidt-Rothschild, whom he had met before in
[Page 42]
ParisParis -- City in France with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and a couple of friends. "We prepared everything well for you here. And so we're not wasting any time, a few specialists who Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- has informed of your situation, will be in touch with you today or tomorrow..."

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A few minutes later a medical practitioner unknown to him so far, Professor A.Professor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, invited him for the next day around noon.

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And just as this visit was arranged, the phone rang again. Nils HvideNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative -@Editor: PLC, an old friend from CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, a lawyer as well as a poet, and resident of BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany for a few years, called him.

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"Hello, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ..."

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"How do you know, that..."

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- sent me a long telegram... yesterday... And this morning an express letter of hers arrived from ParisParis -- City in France... So the letter raced you here... You have to come to our place right away. IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- and I will wait with our morning coffee until you arrive." Hastily directions are given to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . And a few minutes later AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is seated in a taxi... Fate is having its way, he thought, a little dizzy from all the talking on the phone...

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Half an hour later he has arrived at the friends' place.

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A handsome man, this NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, a purebred "Northern Germanic Man" as he likes to stress it. A blonde giant from northern JutlandNortj Jutland -- In Denmark, where his family owns some old lands. He could have also been an English lord, one of those after whom the adage "here in EnglandEngland -- nobility is measured in yards" was coined.

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , his wife, is an example of the modern, very sophisticated woman. Her henna colored hair is a stark contrast to her big, almost childlike, blue eyes. And the vermillion red mouth is almost burning in the delicate porcelain like complexion of her face... She is an actress. They both were globetrotters. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had frequently undertaken long and distant trips with them. But no matter how well acquainted they were, they did not know about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' secret. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' heart sinks a little at the thought of maybe having to let them in on it now... even if they are old companions from his youth...

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He is received in the most heartfelt of ways. Breakfast is served and casual topics are discussed, as long as IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- is in the room. Only then does
[Page 43]
NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative get straight to the point.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- told me something, but wasn't quite clear about it... Here... in this letter from this morning... you can of course go ahead and read it yourself..."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- refuses. "No, that letter was meant for your eyes only."

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"All right then..." The walls of the room are adorned with pictures painted... by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ... by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- can't quite keep himself from studying them. One of the paintings, made by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , shows... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

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"Yes," NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative begins, sensibly, "I understand a lot of those things that up to now seemed like a bizarre idea the two of you cooked up: to have you appear so frequently as a female model in GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's paintings..."

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And now AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- found the courage to tell the friend all without holding back.

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Both fall silent for a bit.

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"Well then, old boy," NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative begins again in his funny way, "some of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's allusions she made to me in ParisParis -- City in France last year showed me back then already that your life seemed to - - take an odd bend. Whether or not that is a lucky or unlucky turn of events that is now before you, one thing you need to know right now: you have entrusted your fate to the best, most dutiful hands around... Now it is up to you, if you have the strength to pull through... You look a bit tired... I understand... No need to explain. But," and now NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative laughed his funniest smile, "it is a quite irregular case for a person to be faced with the choice to continue living as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- or..." and now he pointed at the painting, "as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in this world of tumbling sensations." AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- looked at the friend. "Faced with the choice you say... No, NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, I don't believe that is it... but rather something much more serious, namely life and death... Because the man standing in front of you, you can believe it, is marked for death... And now the question is, if that creature there," he points at the painting on the wall, "can really step forward into life, freed from all disguises of body and soul, and take up the struggle with life..."

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NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative looks into the friend's eye, sees his devastation.

Page 44
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He knows the friend needs to muster all possible strength for the coming days. He wants to give the conversation a joking bend.

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"Oh my boy, there's no dying happening here. Here there's enduring so you can become a prime phenomenon..."

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"Cut it out, NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative..." Still, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has to smile.

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"That's right. Laugh about it... So we remain at the prime phenomenon... I'm not talking about you, but that being on the wall. And I wish that..."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- cuts him off: "...that she won't be a phenomenon, but a totally normal, ordinary, real girl."

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"An ordinary, real girl... Don't you think you ask too much... And you need to take care that the dear gentlemen scientists don't go and put LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. under glass right after her birth and exhibit her as a curiosity..."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- can't bear these words. "No, NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, ...I know you mean well... But let's not talk about what could possibly happen, but..."

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"Agreed, let's rather talk about your and your LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s past..." NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative is very serious now. "See, that seems currently the most important thing. You need to be very clear on how this odd, fantastic change that you have gone through since childhood, for the duration of a normal human life, has happened... How LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. slowly gained the upper hand over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ..."

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"All right," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- replies, and looks at his watch, "Now I have to go visit my first judge over life and death, Professor A.Professor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified.. And once I'm done with him, I will probably need to go the whole round..."

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"Agreed." NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had found his relaxed laughter again, "And once you're done with today's activities, you come back to us here at once. Now, break a leg as we say around these parts."

***

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Professor A.Professor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, the inventor of a new method of analyzing blood, received AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- in a very careful way that had to instill a sense of safety and confidence. He addressed a number of questions to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , which he answered without shame, no matter how delicate they were.

Page 45
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After long and complicated examinations, most of which were designed to determine the life circumstances of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , - during which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had to use all of his willpower to turn off his thinking - the scholar lead him from his study into a cozily furnished salon. "If you want to smoke... please... Here you have the lightest of cigarettes, which even the daintiest of women can stomach." After a little small talk, Professor A.Professor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified told his patient that he now had to be examined by a sexual psychologist friend of his, Dr. H.Professor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- "He has a lot of experience regarding the "soul," - You may think about this in purely scientific terms, - I however don't want to pass the judgement of this specialist in the field in regards to your person. - Once you're done with colleague H.Professor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- , you have to go visit yet another colleague, Dr. K.Dr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. He and I have to scientifically determine the hormone contents of your blood, while colleague H.Professor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- 's judgement on you and the person within yourself, whom you call LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., will be purely psychological. - In any case, I implore you to come back to visit me tomorrow before noon. The result of these various "examinations" which we have to put you through will then be delivered to your protector, Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ."

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"Your protector" ...those words beat on AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' heart. And as he sat in the waiting room of the spacious "Institute for Psychology" he had to repeat the words quietly to himself, - lest all confidence left him.

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Why was I sent here, he asked himself, what do I have to do here? ...He felt as if he were being delivered to some great unknown. He felt a moral discomfort. A club of abnormal humans appeared as if for a performance: women looking like men in costume, men of which it was hard to believe they were men... The way they conversed repulsed him. Their movements, their voices, the kind of costumes they wore. --Yes, there was not really another word for it, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- thought, these things caused a deep sensation of disgust.

Page 46
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Finally Dr. H.Professor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- appeared and led him through his consulting room. For hours on end this man probed the state of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' soul with a barrage of questions. He had to submit to an inquisition of the most ruthless kind. Whether he wanted to or not. The shame of shamelessness is real, he thought during those hours. He clang to the definition he had read some time ago in a work of philosophy, just to rid himself of the feeling of standing there as if pilloried. It was running a gauntlet for the soul that he went through... was forced to go through.

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And when this torture was over, the inquisitor released him with the words: "I expect you back here, the same time tomorrow."

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And then it was Dr. K.Dr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified's turn. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had already acquired a kind of routine in answering the questions put before him. This examination however took place more in the shape of a conversation. And before AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- really noticed, he found himself in the midst of a real "men's talk"; It was about the political relationship between FranceFrance -- Country in Europe and GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe. And almost casually the doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified inserted a long, delicate syringe into AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' arm to take a blood sample.

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Then Dr. K.Dr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified too released him with the words: "I will see you here back again tomorrow."

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Exhausted he returned to NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and Inger HvideInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- that night.

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"No." He exclaimed right away. "Don't ask me anything now. I can't go on with it. And my "life's report" you can't have either tonight. Let's rather take a long walk through your Babylon on the SpreeBerlin -- City in Germany around the KurfürstendammKurfürstendamm -- . I have to see people, healthy people."

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- was already "engaged" for the evening. But NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was still "available" and took up AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' suggestion with delight.

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They began at an authentic Russian restaurant, where vodka and other heavy stuff flowed freely during a multicourse supper. Then came German, French, Hungarian and
[Page 47]
Spanish wines in the most diverse array of bars and cafes. NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was a famous wine connoisseur. And to the surprise of both, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was a good drinking buddy that night.

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"To your health, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ," NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative said, who just had again wondered about his friend's ability to "hold his liquor." "You really are an odd fellow. Tonight you behave like a chap, and tomorrow you will probably be able to certify that I will have to treat you like a lady in the future. Looking at you, I can't quite wrap my head around it how all of these things worked out. ... But maybe we don't just possess two souls, as GoetheGoethe (fictional) -- German author said, but two beings, two entire beings... I don't quite know how to say that..."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- looked at him, calmly. "I understand your line of thinking. It is hard to understand this change, hard for me, so it is much harder for others. And the strangest thing of all is, that every being within me, believe it, is healthy in its emotional life, - Believe it, it is so, completely normal."

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"And exactly that is probably the abnormal, the unknowable in your case," NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative stated. "I have known you for years now, I mean" and now he smiled, "you as in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ... Because LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., yes you have kept from us friends so far... And as a man, you always struck me as healthy... I have seen it with my own eyes, how women like you. Which is the clearest proof of your being a real man..." He stopped, looked at the friend, and placed a hand on AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' shoulder. "You won't hold it against me if I asked you an frank question?"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- looked at him. "NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, if you knew the kind of questions I've been answering all day, you would not stand on ceremony as much now..."

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"All right, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . Have you ever had interest in... your own kind?... You know what I mean."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- shakes his head calmly. "My word, NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, not once in my life. And I can add, that such creatures never had an interest in me."

Page 48
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"Bravo, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . Just as I thought."

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"My dear NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, I want to confess truthfully and with simple words: Everywhere and always I have liked women. Back then as today. A banal confession. But there you go."

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NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative raised his glass: "And now let us drink to the coming day. Come what may. Stay strong! Stay with it! If you lived during the times of the ancient Greeks, they would have made a demigod of you. Well, they would have burned you at the stake in the middle ages. Because miracles were forbidden. At least today doctors are allowed to perform miracles... So let us drink to tomorrow."

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And they drank. And spoke not another word.

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NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative accompanied the friend to his hotel. When he was alone in his room, he collapsed from agony of the body and the soul.

**

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The next morning AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had found his equilibrium again, at least superficially. He kept to himself what he went through the last night. It was a farewell...

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He arrives at Professor A.Professor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified's on time.

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"I have talked to my colleague KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . We agree that a young colleague, an upstanding surgeon, should give you a pre-treatment here. Once that is done, nothing stands in the way of having you admitted to Dr. KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ' clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden. That does not mean you will be accepted there..."

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"Not me?" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- exclaims the question with a tone of despair.

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"KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- is the head of a gynecological practice, a women's clinic... And your case," Now the doctorProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified smiled a little. "Your case is somewhat extraordinary... Even for us men of medicine... Which means that once the local surgeonDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- releases you, you will no longer be Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , but..."

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"But LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.…" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- silently sank into a chair.

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"Indeed... As colleague H.Professor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- has told me in the meantime, he sees the male in you as the quite lesser part of your being, which exhibits about eighty out of a hundred parts being female, in regards to the soul. The analysis of your blood yielded similar results. By the way, I will be present during the operation,
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which we will perform here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. Before that we will take a few pictures of you. For purely scientific reasons of course. Colleague H.Professor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- still wants to take those pictures today. He is expecting you. Tomorrow morning please go to the clinic of the surgeonDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- .Prof. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin" Then Professor A.Professor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified gave AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- the exact address of the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- noted it all down as if in a dream, barely said thanks and wanted to leave.

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"You look a bit tired. Please have confidence. What you still have to go through is hard. What you have gone through in all those past years was surely a lot harder still, harder than any of us, born with healthy bodies, is even capable of imagining. Balancing that however, you have received a richness of the soul and a breath of emotion that far exceed that of normal human perception and knowledge. Just have a little more patience, my friend. Au revoir et bon courage!"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- shakes the hand of the good man wordlessly and goes about his way.

***

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VI

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is back with NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- that night.

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After the three ate dinner, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- lights an after-dinner cigarette, gets up and extinguishes all superfluous light, so that only one electric candle remains shining dimly as a signal in the corner of an alcove. The friends had intentionally avoided asking about the results of the various fateful medical examinations.

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He sits down in the comfortable armchair in the alcove corner and begins without great introductions and quite unceremoniously:

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"I have thought about your words thoroughly yesterday, my dear NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative."

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"About my words?"

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"Yes, when you said: currently the most important thing was for me to understand how this – to use your words – strange, fantastical change, that I have gone through since childhood, happened. . ."

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"Right, how she... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. gained the upper hand over you," NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative adds.

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"Well, I have thought about this last night... since it is not impossible to think that tonight is the last night of..."

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"Humbug," Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- interjects.

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"Let it be, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- ," NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative interrupts her, "I know what AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is talking about..."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- smiles. "Whatever happens, Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , it is a night of farewells... And so you understand that well, I want to relate how this came to pass, given that you two have as much patience as I do... I made a couple of notes, so I won't lose the thread of the story. Who knows how I will be tomorrow... If I will still be me tomorrow, or if I will have become erased as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , this being sitting in front of you, which I begin to lose my memory of, to make place for a completely different being."

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NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative has gotten up, paces around, stops in front of
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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . He too has gotten serious now.

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"I thought about this as well, if a bit nebulously, my dear boy. And since you know me as quite a down-to-earth person who takes things at face value, without too much sentiment, -also, I'm a lawyer, and a very sober lawyer,- I have not forgotten how to take shorthand from my time at law school, so, I want to make a suggestion- I could, without hurting your feelings, take down in shorthand the curriculum vitae you are about to tell us..." Now he laughed. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- caught his laughter. Even Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- had to smile.

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"An excellent idea," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- exclaimed amused. "I won't be ‘offended' by your shorthand, neither my feelings nor anything else. On the contrary. We have to think of posterity."

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"All right, then let's go - With this I take up the honorary role of TacitusTacitus (historical) -- ." With these words NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative sat down on a comfortable lounge chair, and took out a notebook and a pencil. Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- was already laying on a divan, casually smoking her cigarette.

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"Let's begin with my parents, both of whom you have met," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- begins. I want to go and confess my life to you like a correct chronicler. If I get too broad or too introspective, then..."

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"As your TacitusTacitus (historical) -- , don't worry, I will let the blue pen do its work afterwards," NilsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative interjected... For the last time, for now, during this night of saying farewell.

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"So, my fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative's ancestors came from MallorcaMallorca -- to JutlandJutland -- In Denmark. I have my dark eyes from him. He was not a very steeled nature, a little delicate and very involved with his own well-being. My mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative on the other hand was very neat with healthy nerves, a real Nordic, blonde kind of person, maybe even a bit harsh in her nature, an industrious person and a good mother. She died before Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative, quite suddenly. Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative could not find solace over her death. Their marriage had weathered many storms. After Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative's passing, Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative honored her like a saint.

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She had four children, two sons and two daughters -@Editor: PLC. I was the youngest...

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And now I will have to talk about me.

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I was a very happy child. I got spoiled by everyone. Even from my siblings. I was quite the gourmet. I ate only my favorite foods. I never heard a harsh word from Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative. If I needed a slap, it would be delivered by my mother. Otherwise she competed with Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative to spoil me rotten – just like all the youngest kids get spoiled in the nest. Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative loved cleaning me up. I was never dressed well enough. And due to my "fine clothes" I was not allowed to run around with my peers. That was my biggest pain. When I was a small lad, I had long, blonde locks and snow-white skin, combined with the dark eyes, many strangers thought me a girl. In Kindergarten I was the most industrious child in crocheting and knitting, the only boy along with eleven girls. When I was five I received my first "official award" for that. For needlework...

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When I was eight my brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative mocked me often for my "girly voice." I took those insults to heart and ever since tried my best to develop a real bratty bass.

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Now that I think of it, my child's voice was the first time I pretended being something else...

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Otherwise my childhood was nothing but sunshine. I played with my brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative and their tin soldiers, - and with my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister's dolls... I had a happy, worry free disposition. Nobody saw anything special in my pushing my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister's doll carriage... Many brothers who have sisters do that...

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When I was nine years old, I went to the high school in the small town I was growing up in. My brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative went to the same school. None of us were model students. But our principal could not stand model students, even despised them in secret. ‘None of them will bring it to anything in life,' he once said about others. And in many cases he would be right. - French and Latin were my favorite subjects... Also I was one of the most frequent patrons of the school library, much to the joy of our "principal". Nevertheless I was usually the second-best student of my class. In French we were instructed by the Old Man. His French was peculiar. Once, after he had spent some time in ParisParis -- City in France over summer break he told us angrily how
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he could not stand the Parisians, since neither they understood him nor he them. He closed his report by stating: "And you know, boys, I can speak French."

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Yes, he was quite the personality. Very different from my Latin teacher. He was a very modern man, who did not just instruct us in the language, but also tried to induct us into the ancients' world of ideas, and the arts of antiquity. It was him who opened my eyes to the immaculate beauty of the Greek sculptures. It was just a distant, dim understanding... But I still remember as if it were today, when I was out swimming with my peers, and then beheld another's not very well proportioned boy's body and compared it to my own, smooth, delicate body in the water's reflection, I often quietly blushed. I was a built a lot more delicately and flexibly than most of my peers. And then I thought of the boy statues of PraxitelesPraxiteles (historical) -- Athenian sculptor, our Latin teacher had told us about a few days earlier. We had a few plaster casts of those in our painting room. Which reminds me of a small scene. A few girls went to our high school already back then. One of them was in my class. During recess she once put her girl's hat on my head. "Look, he looks like a real girl," she exclaimed and my companions laughed along with her. Suddenly our Latin teacher appeared in front of us. I was so in shock I did not have the time to take off the girl's hat. And before I know what happens, I am getting quite the beating. I was completely beside myself after that, and only realized many years later, why my old teacher believed he had to punish me then and there... We poor people... What do we know about ourselves... how much less about ... our neighbors.

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By the way, I was a real boy. I was "in the middle" of altercations. I was willfully more courageous, especially because I was more delicate than my buddies, which led to a couple of sprained fingers.

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Meanwhile I went on long hikes with my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister. And if I knew none of the boys could see me, - like in the forest by the town , - I would take over pushing the doll carriage, our constant companion...

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During puberty my interest in the arts only increased. When I was
[Page 54]
seventeen years old, I began reading art magazines and visiting art exhibitions. My fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative who didn't think much of a career as an artist what with him being an aging salesman, tried a few times to guide my life towards more "practical pursuits." So he arranged for me to become first a trader's and then a painter's apprentice, but without having any other effect than to increase my will to do art.

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At the same time I had, like all adolescents, my "flame," well, to be quite honest I should rather talk of "flames." That lasted well into my twenties...

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When Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative finally accepted that it was hopeless to try and get me interested in anything "practical," I was sent to CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark at the age of nineteen where I was a student at the art academyArt Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark.. Here a few good mates took me under their wing and took care that I lost my provincial naiveté and inhibition, and that I became quite brutally "demystified"... I got to know GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- back then...

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It was a love at first sight, in the words' most daring meaning.

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Yes, we had an almost mystical attraction to each other from the first moment on. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had just arrived at the art academyArt Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark.. Also from the provinces... The both of us immediately became inseparable. We attended all lectures together at night. Back then lectures were still separated by gender for male and female students.

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We were introduced by a friend.

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When he found out one day, that we had gotten engaged, he became raving with jealousy. Not because of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , though, and I only noted that a few years later, - but because of me.... But even such a thing happening is not out of the ordinary... How many friends have made similar experiences when a woman steps between them...

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A year after our first encounter, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I married. We were still so young... I was barely twenty, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was a few years younger... What did we know of life, of people... We were indescribably happy with one another.

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I still remember ... it was the first years of our marriage ... one
[Page 55]
evening, we lived in a wonderfully situated atelier, with a wide view of CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- read to me an ancient fairy tale from antiquity. It went something like this: "HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological, the darling of the gods, had a son, and AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological, the divinely beautiful, had a daughter. Both children were exemplars of beauty. Both had never seen each other before when one day they find each other eye to eye in the Forest of the Gods. The girl was aglow for the boy immediately. But the boy ran from her. No matter how loud she cried out for him, he wouldn't stop. Desperately the divine girl went to ZeusZeus (fictional) -- mythological and complained to him of her love affliction. "I love him, Father, but he fled from me. He doesn't want to know me. Oh Father, allow me to become one with him." And ZeusZeus (fictional) -- mythological heard the pleading of the god's child and raised his arm, and the next moment, HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological' shy son appeared before the Olympian, AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological's daughter rejoiced with delight, enfolded the quivering youngling - and again ZeusZeus (fictional) -- mythological raised his arm -- and both of them disappeared into each other --- And as HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological and AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological searched for their children, they found a blissfully smiling child. "It is my son," HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological exclaimed. "No, it is my daughter," said AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological. And they were both right... ‘See,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- said to me that distant night, ‘I love you so much, I wish that you and I, we were one being.' And I looked at her gleefully... just very happy... And clueless in regard to the deeper meaning of her words, just like she herself.

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Around this time GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was painting the portrait of the most well beloved actress in old CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress. One day she could not make it to one of the scheduled appointments. On the phone she asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , who was a bit cross with her: "Couldn't AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- model for the lower part of the picture? His legs and feet are as pretty as mine."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- laughed, as she did. Once I had, and Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress knew that, ‘helped out' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- with a woman's portrait. But back then this had been about the arrangement of the folds. "You have quite pretty woman's legs." GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had said to me, jokingly.

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While GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was on the phone with Anna L.Anna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, I was about to clean my palette, smoked a cigar and didn't really listen as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- told Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress this suggestion. Initially I quite harshly rejected.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- laughed at me, called me self-centered, begged me, caressed me… and a few minutes later I was standing there in a dress, high heels and so on, in the atelier and we both laughed as if over a good joke. And to complete the disguise, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- dug up an old carnival wig from the depths of a chest and pulled it over my head. It was a blonde wig, with a lot of curls. Then she brought in powder and make-up. I let it all happen willingly.

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And when everything was done, we barely believed our eyes. I turned and stretched in front of a mirror, again and again, tried to recognize myself. Was it possible for me to look this good, I asked myself. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- clapped her hands gleefully. "The most perfect lady model." She exclaimed one time after the other. "As if you never wore anything but women's clothing."

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It was strange – I can't deny it when I soberly remember that scene – I liked myself in that dress-up role... I perceived the light women's clothes as something indeed pleasant, something natural... I felt at home in them. From the first moment on. And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- began to paint.

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The doorbell rang out in the hallway. And a moment later Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress rushes into the atelier. She apparently had found the time... She looks at me... does not recognize the strange woman ... on top of it all one who is wearing her own dress. But then she lets out a cry of joy and hugs me hard.

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"I've not experienced something this funny in a long time," she concludes and applauds me. Then she beholds me from all sides, I had to turn and twist and take all kinds of positions. And then Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress began anew: I would be a much prettier girl than a man. Women's clothes looked so much better on me than men's stuff. And finally she says, and I have never been able to forget the words: "You know, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , you surely were a girl in an earlier existence... Or nature has made quite the mistake with you."

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Those were her words. She had spoken very slowly and thoughtfully. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I noted that she was feeling stranger and stranger the longer she beheld me.

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Finally GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- gave me a sign to get rid of the costume,
[Page 57]
so that Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress herself could model for her.

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I want to withdraw. Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress grabs me. "No," she exclaims, "I would not be able to stomach seeing AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- again today. Let's not even speak of him! You hear! And now I want to baptize you, my little girl, you should receive an especially lovely, ringing name. For example ... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...

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What do you think of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.?...From now on, I will call you LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ... And that we have to celebrate! What do you say, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ?"- -

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- just nodded, looked at her, then at the baptismal child... with wondering eyes... And then we three had a fun feast, deep into the night, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s christening night...

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That's how LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. came to be... And the name stuck...

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And not just the name...

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It began with this boisterous fun, an idea only artists could come up with... And many years we played our game with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., until the game turned serious...

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But let me not take events out of order. A few weeks after LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s baptism the artists' carnival took place.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- suggested LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. take part in the carnival, and through that have her introduction to the world. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- designed a delightful pierette-costume... And with loudly beating heart LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. made her "Entrée dans le monde."

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The success was complete. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was one of the most sought after dancers. An army officer especially had his eye on her. Eventually he came for her for every dance. Towards midnight he got impetuous. Finally LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. tried to "air" her secret. Which didn't help her much. The army officer simply wouldn't believe her. Just as she had escaped him, she jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. A new cavalier simply grabbed her and wouldn't let her go, demanded right then and there to at the very least be allowed to kiss her neck. When she finally managed to escape his grasp, the pierette-costume was missing some pieces of lace...

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Incidentally, on this night that was unforgettable in more than one way, I had the first opportunity to experience the brutality of men against women in the flesh. It would not remain the only time.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had made another, strange observation during the festivities: the position of the female sex towards her, she had herself looked upon women whom she regarded as beautiful, with a friendly smile. But most of the time her trustful gaze was rejected with icy scorn. She was clueless, eventually asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- if she had behaved badly, if she was looking bad, and so forth. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- only caressed LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. indulgently and said, smiling: "This stupid LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is still so young. She does not know the malice and distrust of us women towards other women. She will get to know it eventually."

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These words left a deep, unforgettable impression on LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. It was the first time she felt as her own being. And so this funny idea turned into something of a premonition... How often did I have to think of this distant night.

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But this night held yet another lesson, one not less distinctive.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. wanted to go home. Looking for her coat LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. runs into the arms of one of the painters from the academyArt Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark. Hauwitz (fictional) -- . It was one of my four atelier buddies! For heaven's sake! How to behave so the secret doesn't come out? - LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. pretends not to see him. He grabs her, pushes her against him and kisses her neck half a dozen times. This time I come to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s rescue. The ruffianHauwitz (fictional) -- gets a few well aimed slaps to the face. He retreats immediately, and hurriedly... HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- was the man's name.

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As I step into the atelier class the next day, the companions are in the midst of discussing the events of carnival night. HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- is most agitated. He tells of all of his adventures.

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"But where were you yesterday?" he immediately attacks me. The others too ask why I didn't participate, especially since GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had been there.

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I explain that I had not been feeling too well. And by the way I had heard the colleagues had entertained themselves quite well, especially HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- , who was very busy courting a pierette.

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How did I know that, HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- threw in, flattered, and apparently it is impossible for one to move around without gossip being spread about oneself; who was it that was this indiscreet, to tell me of his little adventures...

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"You just are one outrageous heartbreaker," I said, admiringly. "Well, tell me about it then..."

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Initially, HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- deflected, cavalierly. "One is a gentleman, there are things that should not be talked of. By the way this Pierette was a marvelous person. At least..."

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He lights a new cigarette, smirking mysteriously, winking at me ominously, and everyone surrounds him more closely. "Go on, HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- ," they encourage him.

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"Well, SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- seems to know what's up. Stick with him then," He replies, quite clearly.

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"But, my dear HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- . Don't get me wrong. I would be the last one here to make any allusions," I replied, and then asked this very daring question: "was she really that pretty?"

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"You can allude to all you like," HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- began anew, "You simply cannot go too far in your speculations. Truly an unheard of thing..."

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Following this, HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- again wrapped himself in silence, which said more than the rudest brag...

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I confessed to my most intimate friends the identity of the Pierette afterwards...

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HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- was inducted not much later, after he had gotten more opportunities to get comfortable in the role of the somewhat doubtful CasanovaCasanova (fictional) -- and to further embarrass himself...

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This dance was followed by others, during which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. became more comfortable in her role. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- dolled her up each time, so that this newly surfaced being began to raise a furor in the artistic circles of CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark... And not just that. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. slowly turned into GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's indispensable plaything... Because, no matter how strange this may sound now, not I dressed up as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. , but for both me and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. soon turned into her fully independent person, a playmate of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's, her actual playmate and a toy at the same time.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and I, we became two different beings. If LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. wasn't there, we spoke of her in the third person. And if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was there, meaning if I wasn't, then I was talked about in the third person between GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and her. And soon our most intimate friends learned this too. But it was still a game for many, many years...

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was deep in her being quite melancholic. To get over these moods from here on out, she called for her playmate LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was carelessness and serenity personified. Gradually, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. became more and more important as a model for her mistress. Today I can say that, yes, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's favorite model. If it was chance or not, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had more success with paintings for which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had modeled. And she began to see LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. as a sort of mascot, a talisman.

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A big series of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's pictures and drawings was created in our first atelier in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, in which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. appeared in hundreds of variations as a model. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's reputation as an artist grew. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s reputation as a model did likewise. But nobody knew who was behind the model. Legends began to form. Gossip began its whisper, but without getting close to the secret.

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A well-known writer claimed LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was not even a being of flesh and blood, but instead nothing but a type of woman which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's imagination had zeroed in on. An empty caprice...

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Just a few suspected a connection. But nobody knew anything concrete about the mystery of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., – except for Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, who had sworn absolute confidentiality. She had kept her word.

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One day GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- received an invitation from ParisParis -- City in France to exhibit her "LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. drawings" there...

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And so us three were transplanted to ParisParis -- City in France: GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and – me.

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VII.

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We had undertaken several voyages abroad before our relocation to ParisParis -- City in France. As soon as we had enough saved up from the sales of our paintings – after all we were quite humble in our standards – we had driven southward to study, to paint and to get to know the world. And only after having used the last of our travel funds had we gone on our way back to CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark.

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But LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. hadn't "come along" with us on these trips. There were too many new things to experience for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and me to busy ourselves with her.

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But as soon as we were back to our atelier at home, she resurfaced. And then we had to realize each time that we had missed her. We had spent almost an entire year in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe... without LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..-

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It had been the least worrisome year I had ever spent with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

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The fairytale of the South became true for us two children of the North, became an indescribably, wonderful revelation.

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How could we find time to - - play with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.? Especially GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ? She had been just so cheerful. She never felt oppressed in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe's world of wonders. She needed no distraction. Which was the reason LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was not conjured up during that time..... -@Editor: PLC

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And yet LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was closer together with us than ever before. Just now it no longer was a game... I started to undergo a change of my own, without being quite aware of it at the time. This was demonstrated by how I affected others... especially back then in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe. I was approached by an unlucky fellow in FlorenceFlorence -- City in Italy. A very rich foreigner. One day, after he had followed my every step, he spoke to me, making the suggestion I come to live in his villa. I could pursue my painterly studies there as much as I wished to. I refused politely, but very vehemently. I saw him a couple of times after that. I was always in the company of ladies, either with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- or in company of an exceptionally beautiful Sicilian. It almost came to the point of my having to challenge the poor creature at gunpoint.

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I had a similar adventure in RomeRome -- City in Italy. An American millionaire wanted me to come along to EgyptEgypt -- . He did not just assail me, but also GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . He then sailed to AlexandriaAlexandria -- alone.

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I had never experienced such delicate situations before. Why exactly
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in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe I only realized much later. As Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- was viewing photographs taken of me in the past couple of years, among them a few from my first trip to ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, he pointed to these pictures and said: "At that time LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is clearly visible for the first time."

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And now we were off to ParisParis -- City in France.

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We took quarters in one of the countless small hotels close to the "Ecole de Beaux ArtsÉcole des Beaux-Arts -- ," on the left bank of the SeineSeine -- banks of the Seine -- . The host seemed like an assassin to us, the hostess like a conglomerate of avarice, curiosity and uncleanliness. Their small, dearest daughter resembled a delightful kitten. Such a thing only exists in ParisParis -- City in France... The one like the other and the third...

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We were put up in cozy bright red and grey-white washed rooms. One overlooked the old, neglected small garden and had a mysterious alcove with red flower adorned drapes.

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The hotel's factotum, a man named JeanJean (fictional) -- Factotum of a hotel mentioned in the narrative, told us then that Oscar WildeOscar Wilde (historical) -- British writer had spent his last days in those rooms... He supposedly died in the alcove with the red-flowered drapes... Tears ran down his badly shaven jowls as JeanJean (fictional) -- Factotum of a hotel mentioned in the narrative related this to us. He had good reason to mourn the passing of Oscar WildeOscar Wilde (historical) -- British writer. The grand, unhappy poet had handed him quite a few twenty franc pieces, to buy him cigarettes for a few sous. He never had to return the "change," what was supposed to be a careful nudge in our direction.

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The two quiet rooms in which good old WildeOscar Wilde (historical) -- British writer had suffered to his end, became doubly resonant for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and me. We often sat in front of the broad window facing the old garden, and time after time read many pages of the poet's books, which I had loved for years. "De Profundis" and the "Ballad of Reading Coel" GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I almost knew by heart. Those were nice evenings...

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Close to the hotel we found our regular bar, "Chateau neuf du PapeChâteau neuf du Pape -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified," frequented mostly by art students. It was a very modest restaurant. But one could dine exquisitely for a franc and 30. Wine was included in the price. This is where we found our first Parisian friends.

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Soon after, the editor of a well-known Parisian
[Page 63]
magazine asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to work with him. He had just seen GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's paintings and drawings in her first exhibition in ParisParis -- City in France.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was on fire to begin with her participation right away. But what should she offer? And where to quickly find a suitable model?

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- looks at me questioningly, hesitates a few moments, then says: "What do you think, if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative...."

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I admit, I was surprised at first. I too had forgotten about LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in the midst of ParisParis -- City in France' turmoil, just as I did on our first voyage to ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe. Here in ParisParis -- City in France GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had not required any of the diversions or the company of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., until now.

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"All right," I said then, "but what should she wear ..."

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s "wardrobe" had stayed behind in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark. Besides that, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was quite taller than the dainty GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , and their wardrobes were kept strictly separated.

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We quickly gathered the essentials for her. She was more than a little proud of her first Parisian costume.

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So it came to pass that she resurfaced right in ParisParis -- City in France... The works she modeled for made everyone happy. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was beaming. She received respectable sums for her works.

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We were able to rent a pleasant atelier. We became settled in ParisParis -- City in France, found our circle of friends and acquaintances.

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I, too, was drawing a lot, partially in ParisParis -- City in France, partially in VersaillesVersailles -- , where we spent the hot months of summer.

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A couple of harmonious, happy years for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and me passed by like this. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. only showed up, when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- urgently needed her as a model. We made good money. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- could afford "strange models"...

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And when we had enough money saved for an educational trip, we went to ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe once more. Our destination was CapriCapri -- Island in Italy. For years it had been our desire to get to know this paradise of the sun.

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Barely arrived, we were quite delighted to meet a painter from FlorenceFlorence -- City in Italy there, whom we had met during our first trip to ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe.
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We called him NinoNino (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. We were inseparable from then on. After a few days we had lots of acquaintances, more than we always were comfortable with, among the international artists running around on CapriCapri -- Island in Italy. Three or four times a day we met at "MorganoCafé Morgana -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified, but Morgano is a marina in Capri" and every night there was a game of chess or checkers going on. Of course everyone attended the small beach at "Piccola MarinaPiccola Marina -- " during bathing hours.

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Here we met a Scotsman one day, who always appeared in company of a remarkably delicate boy. While bathing however, the boy transformed, to our surprise, into a very cute girl...

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"But naturally!" -@Translator: SW a Venetian sculptorFlavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. belonging to our clique exclaimed due to this "disclosure." "I knew it from the start! A girl can not disguise herself as a man, and the other way around. Whoever has eyes to see, sees through the deception at once. Some superficiality always gives it away." The man's name was FavioFlavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. .

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- looked at me saucily. I understood it... That afternoon during the hour of promenade, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- appeared in company of a slender, tall, young lady, whom nobody else had seen before in CapriCapri -- Island in Italy. They sauntered past "MorganoCafé Morgana -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified, but Morgano is a marina in Capri" where GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- suddenly had to return many curious greetings from friends and acquaintances. Suddenly, Signora FavioSignora Flavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified., the wife of the sculptor, asked about me, hopefully I wasn't ill, since nobody had seen me earlier that day... Would GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I not join them for a feast that night at their villa near Monte TiberioMonte Tiberio -- ...

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was sorry... "AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had to go to NaplesNaples -- City in Italy for some important business. He would be back tomorrow morning at the earliest."

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Then she introduced her companion " Mademoiselle Lili CourtotLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. -@Editor: PLC ... Signora FavioSignora Flavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified...."

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The SignoraSignora Flavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. had achieved what she had wanted to, and hurried to invite Mademoiselle LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. along with Madame GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- for the evening's feast, an invitation which was accepted happily.

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The mystification was a great success, against expectations. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's French girlfriendLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was quite lovingly welcomed into the whole company of revelers. A well-known Norwegian writer
[Page 65]
ended up celebrating Mademoiselle LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. as "the most perfect embodiment of French charm and Parisian elegance." She did not stray from LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s side. She invited LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to her home in NorwayNorway -- Country in Europe. She drank with her to "brotherhood."

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And LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was beaming... And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- no less. Because the most delightful thing, or rather more pointedly said, the most risqué thing, about this new friendship was that this fierce Norwegian woman had so far only adored me...

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's French friendLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. gave a few more guest performances in the following days. To make my absence more understandable, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- told everyone who wanted to hear it, that there was an unbridgeable animosity between me and her friend LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.... But CapriCapri -- Island in Italy is small. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had to "depart" again soon and make space for me. FavioFlavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified., like everyone else, did not suspect a thing...

- - -

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As we returned to ParisParis -- City in France from ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s existence underwent a change soon after. It happened more frequently now that she, after GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had used her as a model during the bright hours of the day, stuck around the whole evening. And when one of our more intimate friends came to visit, she did not flee as if hunted into the next room, but stuck around where she was, and where the others were, and was happy and in cheerful spirits.

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Gradually everyone ended up liking her. She was, as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had to conclude, the good spirit and happy mood of all of our festivities in the atelier...

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But everyone made a big difference between LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and me. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's girlfriends, who acted almost ceremoniously towards me, hugged LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and addressed her without deferential pronouns -@Translator: SW. As did GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's and my friends.

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It was also strange that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., when she was among GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's girlfriends, - who were almost without an exception artists,- felt the most female of them all. And the girlfriends initially laughed somewhat exuberantly about this, but gradually came to feel that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s impression was real.

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And so it happened, that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. insisted ever more stubbornly on her place, and only disappeared with increasing reluctance. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I had met a French sculptorJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor at the "Salon d'AutommeSalon d'Automne -- ," where both of us had exhibits. Jehan Tempéte -@Editor: PLC. This acquaintance should be the introduction to new experiences for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

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He had a small summer home in a small town on the LoireLoire -- River in France Balgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- . With a few friends he was about to set up a theater performance for charity on the tiny stage in town. The town's name was BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- .

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He invited GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and me to participate.

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It was a fun train ride. The town was as if taken out of a toy box, a small RothenburgRothenburg -- ...

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The "theater" that we occupied the same evening, looked from the inside like a tobacconist's with adjacent café. Inside there was a movie theater and dance floor. Because there was only one stage decoration, which was also unusable, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was promptly dubbed headmaster of scene-painting. She quickly designed the "congenial stage scenery" for the revue, which had been written by Jehan TempéteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor himself, who, just like the "composer" was a young lyricist, and author of the lyrics, a hopeful "rising tenor star" with us others, painters, sculptors and so on, were "put to work" by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- right away, so the décor "could be allowed to shine."

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At six in the evening "everything stood." At nine the performance was set to begin.

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At seven at night TempéteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor and I went to the train station to pick up the last member of our "ensemble" that was still missing, a young painter who could not have traveled together with the others for some reason. She had to play a smaller part, a "real Parisienne."

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The train pulled into the station, but our "Parisienne" had not made it. It was the last train before the performance...

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TempéteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor was livid. No matter how small her role had been, without her the piece would "fall apart," the author explained, raving. -

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"Then we have to ask GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to fill in," I explained.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I, who had been invited to take part in the artist tour "in the eleventh hour," did not belong to the actual "ensemble."

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"Excellent idea!" TempéteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor cheered and immediately attacked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- as he entered the so-called hotel in which we had found shelter. She was lying on a shaky divan, exhausted from decorating the theater stage.

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"No way," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- explained, I can not do it, no matter how much I want to...." Then she glances at me, secretively. "But maybe... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.... can."

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"Who is LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.?" the overly nervous TempéteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor asks. Everyone asks the same question.

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"You shouldn't care about who LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is. As long as she is coming out tonight. She will be able to play the role effortlessly," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- explained to the curious circle, caught hold of TempéteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor, pulled him away and gave him the necessary instructions regarding LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s person. He was shaking from laughter, promised his silence. Then it was agreed upon that while LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was outfitted, he would teach her the role of the "real deal" in the secret seclusion of a hotel room.... And as the revue was put on that night, nobody had even an inkling that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was not a real Parisienne... On top of this, the especially poetically inclined druggist from BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- , who belonged to the "charity commission," was enchanted by LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. so much, that he sent a box of violet-scented soap to her hotel room.

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That night LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. got to know her most faithful friend. Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost. The tenor of the revue. He was the comic of the evening. His appearance on stage alone caused veritable hurricanes of merriment among the audience. He was the only true artist among the dilletantes' ensemble that night.

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I had taken note of this young, real Parisian artist, who could have
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played any MontmartreMontmartre -- tavern with his quick witted, dry humor. A totally uneven face, relatively colorless, somewhat crooked eyes and on top of that a funny, pointy nose. At first sight he might seem ugly. But if one observes this man for one moment, one would realize his intelligence and an odd warmth and kindness that his entire being radiated outward.

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Me, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , he ignored most of the time.

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His behavior towards LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was quite different.

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Of course he was "in the know," just like the other colleagues from ParisParis -- City in France. Everyone had long since accepted LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. Because she looked good. And that was the main thing for them as artists. Otherwise, one was discreet.

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And the citizenry who put up a "charity ball" after the show saw in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. – who had remained in her stage outfit at the request of the company – just a "real Parisienne."

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Wherever she let herself be seen, everyone treated her with exquisite courtesy. She enjoyed herself sublimely. She was among the most desired woman dancers of the ball. She went from arm to arm.

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When she finally could skip a dance, Claude LejenneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost -@Editor: PLC stood before her, making a silly curtsey, then showed the world's most serious face, pinched his monocle even closer to his eye, even blushed a little and then said almost solemnly: "Mademoiselle, may I, as soon as you have relaxed a little, ask for the honor to be your dance partner a couple of times in a row please?"

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked at him somewhat puzzled, nodded. And they danced many times during that night. They were both of the same height. They were a rhythmically perfect pair of dancers. They did not exchange a word while dancing. They danced fully having given themselves to the rhythm.

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As the last dance was over, Claude LejenneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost bowed deeply before LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., blushed a little again and said: "Mademoiselle, may I hope that you will grace our communal excursion with your presence tomorrow?"

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The other comrades too asked LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.... And laughingly she agreed. Only the "Parisians" came along on the excursion. Otherwise LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. would not have come. The day went by in the nicest harmony, and the group made plans to meet again in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- at the first of August to spend the holidays together on the banks of the light blue LoireLoire -- River in France banks of Loire -- Banks of river in France. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was invited especially. And she agreed to come, speaking also for her "brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ." That's what LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. called me from there on out. And I had to go along with that.

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That night we drove back to ParisParis -- City in France.

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In August the "Paris gang" as we were called by the locals, partially out of adoration, partially out of dismay, conquered the little townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- and its delightful beach. The thermometer showed 35 degree Celsius -@Editor: PLC in the shade. So we oftentimes had to shift our days to nights, which was even more amusing. Because after ten the little townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- was dark, whether it was lit up by the full moon or under a new moon. BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- 's so-called high society kept their distance from us, with the exception of Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon, the deputy mayor. The "actual" head of the town had been forced to offload the business of running the town onto Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon's broad shoulders due to a chronic stomach ailment. Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon as everyone in town called him, was a bachelor. He took part in all our nightly roamings through the closer and farther surroundings of "his" town, and it was he who told the town councilmembers during a solemn meeting in city hall that he planned on having a "town festival" for charity at the end of the month, with the help of the "Paris gang." The suggestion was unanimously accepted. The next day formal invitations to work out the festival's program went out to Jehan TempéteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and me as well as to a few other "celebrities" of our gang. And we decided to have a water pageant, with flower decorated boats down the LoireLoire -- River in France. And CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's boat sailing at the head of the gondola pageant.

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Our suggestion was enthusiastically accepted by the fathers of town in the "Hotel de Ville."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- received the task to arrange CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's boat.

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Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon gave us an old, broad barge as well as a small warehouse on the riverLoire -- River in France including its wine cellar. When the pretty shabby boat had been transformed into CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's festive gondola – a giant, red heart was the sail – and after launch took place, it became clear that the vehicle had become somewhat difficult to steer, with the glorious yet heavy decorations on board. The LoireLoire -- River in France is quite torrential near BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- , treacherous winds make sailing dangerous. So CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's boat had to be manned by a CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative capable of swimming well and a similarly capable attendant... And since there was no courageous, capable swimmer among the young ladies of town – Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon had walked his feet sore – I was asked by Jehan TempéteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor very discreetly if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could not take up the role of CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative, if Claude LejenneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost was assigned to her as "quiver squire." I was known as an excellent swimmer. I agreed in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s name. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, too, who had become a very good friend to us, was ready for the role of the squire.

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And so LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was dressed up as the boy CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative on the banks of this ancient little townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- banks of Loire -- Banks of river in France which Jeanne D'ArcJoan of Arc (historical) -- had found her way into, clad in iron and steel as a warrior, centuries earlier.. The festival took place in the most glorious summer weather. The whole populace of the little town stood on the banks of the streamLoire -- River in France banks of Loire -- Banks of river in France and gave phrenetic ovations to CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative, who triumphantly drifted down the LoireLoire -- River in France's mirror-like waters accompanied by the other, equally picturesquely decorated boats. He shot a volley of arrows from his golden bow onto the crowd, a thousand heads strong, standing on the shore. And everyone believed that the "real Parisienne" from the charity festival was behind CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's mask...

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ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, as boat and quiver squire had received the task to accompany the masqueraded LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. after the festival through the raving crowds back to the hotel. When he had finally brought her to her room untouched, he looked at her for a long time, and then as if sunken within himself he said to her very quietly: "CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative, you divine fool, however you disguise yourself and whatever you want to tell me, you still remain
[Page 70]
a real girl..."

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He fell silent, startled. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked at him with big eyes.

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"What is with you, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost?" she asked.

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He had turned away from her. "Nothing." He said quietly. "Nothing at all. Or maybe something... But if I told LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. what I was thinking all day, her brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- would be quite cross with me..."

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And then he went away, and as we saw each other again the next morning, he looked at me meekly and avoided me. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had disappeared again.

- - - - - - - -

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Year after year we found ourselves back in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- in August. Festivities and excursions followed each other. And here in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- I slowly grew accustomed to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s and my double existence. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. took part in festivities and excursions. I on the other hand painted very diligently, swam and drank quite some bottles of wine with the town's luminaries. I had many, many friends here. All inhabitants of the small townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- knew me and looked forward to seeing their homes and gardens and themselves in my paintings, which afterwards would be allowed to be shown in the fall exhibitions of ParisParis -- City in France. Everyone knew me. And I knew everyone. We were friends. Nobody in the little townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- sensed who the slender ParisienneLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. really was, who now and then rode her bicycle through the small streets of town and into the countryside with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost. These rides are among LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s happiest memories. At dawn, before any bedroom window had been cracked open, the three went out into the shining world of summer mornings. And they returned only late into the evening, when the little townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- had already gone to sleep, tired and happy... ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost then was the most delightful knight of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., he was their brother and protector, and the friendship between them grew closer and more lasting, a friendship that weathered every test.

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Of course this "triple alliance" was continued in ParisParis -- City in France. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost came by every Sunday. He then was "guest of the atelier" all day. And following an unwritten law, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. always received him at the door. If on a rare chance she had stayed away, and if I was the one opening the door for him, then we greeted each other
[Page 71]
companionably, shook hands, and he asked me about this and that, but I could still sense his disappointment. In the atelier he then observed, if only fleetingly, my new paintings. Politics and such were touched upon in conversation, and also the latest ParisParis -- City in France scandals. But it did not take long, maybe fifteen minutes, and my dear ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost looked at me a little meekly. "Will you please excuse me, I have not said hello to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- yet." And with that he was in the small kitchen with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

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However if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was his Sunday door opener, then he went into the kitchen right away. "You understand, we don't want to leave GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- alone with the food," he told me, jokingly.

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That reminds me of an event that was happening just during that time.

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ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost had come by our place during a weekday evening. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was not home. I suggested we go to some fun dance bar in the Quartier Latin. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost knew all the bars, was a regular everywhere. We ended up at the "Gipsy-BarGipsy Bar -- ," where ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost ordered the "house specialty," namely a "Clou de Cerceuil," -@Editor: PLC a "coffin nail" in English. This cocktail had a reason for its promising name. A frequent repetition of enjoying this "drink" during one day or one night would shorten one's time here considerably. Maybe this "drink" caused us to try out a new dance ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost had first seen somewhere around here recently. So we danced together. It was the first time, by the way, that he danced with me. Very soon after we had gone through the first steps, the "manager," the "waiter," came rushing towards us and pleaded us to immediately stop this dance. "Ces Messieurs have to excuse this please, he knew us both very well, but in his establishment it is sadly not admissible for two men to dance with each other..."

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We explained to the strict man laboriously that it was just the case that the two of us simply wanted to try out a new dance quickly. He replied: "Messieurs, I am desperate, but I have to give my veto. Men must not dance with each other here. If I allow this
[Page 72]
just one single time, and I know, that the two of you are impeccable gentlemen, my establishment will be overrun by certain people, which then would endanger the good reputation of my establishment..."

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We sat back down, laughing, ordered a harmless aperitif, and started walking homeward.

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The next night GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost went back there. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost had taught the new dance to the two ladies, and shortly after entering the barGipsy Bar -- , LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost performed the quite complex dance without error and with exited ovations of the "manager."

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Then he stepped to ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost's table, bowed gallantly before GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and especially before LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and said: "I hope your friend who I am missing dearly tonight is not begrudgingly avoiding my establishment because of last night's small incident. Monsieur will certainly understand..."

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"Oh, we certainly do understand," ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost replied, "and I assure you my friend does not bear a grudge at all."

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And the manager turned to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.: "May I give Madame my deepest compliment. Mademoiselle dances quite charmingly, so charmingly." And then turned to ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost: "Monsieur will admit that Monsieur's partner from last night can't even remotely compare to Mademoiselle..."

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In connection to this funny "encounter" I have to briefly talk about another experience that happened around this time as well.

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Together with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was the guest of a quite fashionable artist club. The club nights usually were a dinner with subsequent ball. One night LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. went there alone, following ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost's incessant pleading, when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was too tired. A lady belonging to our closest, most intimate circle, who knew LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. as well as me, was also there. Nobody in the club had any idea of our double life. She made it her pleasure for the night to introduce LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to a couple of gentlemen, among which was her cousinCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, a no longer quite so young count and hussar officer. Until now, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had bristled to make new
[Page 73]
acquaintances on these club nights, which were rare for her. She was happy being allowed to dance with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost. She did not need anything else to be happy. But before she could defend herself, the girlfriend had brought over her cousin: "My cousin, le Compte de TrempeCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified.... La Baronne Lili de Courtaud!Lili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative." The very elegant count immediately asked LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to dance a foxtrot with him. Several more dances followed that one. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could not defend herself. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost just nodded along amusedly. And so it came that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. danced the night away with her new cavalier. As she exhaustedly said her goodbyes "for now," he, with the most solemn face in the world, asked for the award of being allowed to visit "Madame la BaronneLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative." in the following days, who as his cousin had whispered to him, was visiting GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- for a few days. What else could LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. do but play along?...

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When LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. came home, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was fast asleep.

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The next morning, just as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had told her of her "conquest in the club," the doorbell rings. The countCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified has appeared, apologizes profusely, - GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had opened the door, - if he was intruding... he just wanted to take the opportunity to ask about the well-being of her guest, the "Lady Baroness Lili de CourtaudLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- apologized sincerely that her visitor had already left, and led the countCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified into her atelier... There he then discovered LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in several paintings, in the flesh... He was beside himself with joy. If he could be allowed to await the baronessLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.' return. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was sorry that this was a useless endeavor, since her visitor, who was by the way her sister-in-law, had been invited to dinner by friends...

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"Oh," the countCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified exclaimed, "so your dear husband, Monsieur SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , is the brother of the Lady BaronessLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative...."

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In her distress GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- has to admit this "fact."

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"When might I have the pleasure of visiting Monsieur SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ," the countCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified asked, almost excitedly.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- promised to give him news through his cousin...

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The following day,- we were sitting down for tea with friends in our
[Page 74]
atelier, – we had just related LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s involuntary experience, – when the doorbell rang again. -The countCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified!

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"I am sincerely delighted," he begins immediately and ceremoniously, "to pay you my respects," I barely find time to get him indoors, "As I told Madame SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- I made the acquaintance of your sister the day before yesterday, the charming baronessLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and I am quite invested in seeing her again..."

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Of course now it became a little difficult to maintain my composure.

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But I succeeded in maintaining it, and replied: "My sister will certainly be sad to again be denied the pleasure of squeezing your hand, Monsieur..."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and our tea-time visitor had a hard time smothering a Homeric outburst. I had to throw them a scolding glance. - And then I continued: "Sadly one sees little of my sister these days... She is getting invited everywhere... many idolize her... and rarely comes home before midnight..."

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"Yes, I quite understand that," the countCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified said, then looked at me quizzically, I felt my heart like an anvil quaking from hammer blows, and then he spoke very slowly, every word accompanied by a twitch of his monocle, and fixating me directly: "It is strange, by the way, that you are siblings. Madame de CourtaudLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. does not bear the slightest similarity to you, dear Sir."

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I agreed vehemently, sent a begging glance to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to keep her composure... Because just as I had gotten my reassurance that my sister and I didn't resemble one another at all, "detailed" through a true deluge of words, the count openly asked me the question, if my sister was, as his cousin had related to him, not engaged to anyone, and truly still free...

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Which I foolishly did not deny.

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To which he reacted with an exemplary bow and the immediate declaration: "Monsieur, then it shall be my honor to, with these very words, ask for the hand of the Lady BaronessLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in marriage."

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I had difficulty keeping myself upright in my chair, thanked him in the name of my sister, and promised to pass on his honorary proposal. - Following this, he left, while exchanging
[Page 75]
countless compliments...

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And a moment later our atelier was shaken by the droning laughter of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and our tea-time visitor...

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I wasn't laughing. The experience LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had made at the ball went too far for my taste. I was thinking of an escape...

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"It's simple," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- exclaimed, tears pearling out of her eyes from laughing, "I will have the cousin whisper to the good countCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified that his beloved had to head over heels and very suddenly depart to CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark to attend to some urgent family matter. And that it had been impossible to delay her departure, with a return to ParisParis -- City in France unthinkable as of now.

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And so it happened. A few postcards which we got to his address through a friend in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark , who then also had to forge LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s "handwriting," succeeded in convincing him of the "futility" of his courtship...

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He never got to know what mystery was connected with Madame la Baronne le Courtaut Lili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

- - - -

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The scene that happened a few months later in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, where we were visiting my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister and brother-in-lawbrother-in-law (fictional) Linked to: #thomsenTC -- Andreas Sparre's sister's husband., would seem even stranger.

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My young nieceniece (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified had seen several pictures of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and wanted to finally meet this strange person "in real life." It was finally decided that she should join us on a Sunday afternoon when my parents and relatives were over for tea time. My parents had seen neither GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- nor me for a few years. Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative and Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative were somewhat disappointed when they heard upon arrival that I would join later, since I had to make a very important visit beforehand. Suddenly the doorbell rings. The maid reports there was a French lady in the hallway who wanted to talk to Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ... The lady is led inside, - her dress was very fancy, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- greeted her warmly... This was a friend from ParisParis -- City in France... who unfortunately only spoke French, she said... Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative immediately started a conversation in French with her, which made Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative, who had him translate everything for her,
[Page 76]
very proud.

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During the conversation Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative suddenly called Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative's attention to the fact that the lady from ParisParis -- City in France should not be standing so close to the window. - It was the middle of winter.- "Don't forget," she said, caringly observing the lady from ParisParis -- City in France, to Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative, "the lady comes from a much milder climate and is dressed so thinly. Ask her to sit down close to the fireplace."

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Then tea was served. And Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative and Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative had the foreign visitor tell them the latest news from ParisParis -- City in France.

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"The Parisienne" had kept Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative and Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative in suspense for a whole hour. And when I finally dropped the disguise, Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative and Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative literally clasped their hands above their heads, and didn't want to believe their own eyes.

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"No, no," Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative kept repeating long after, "that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and Mademoiselle LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. are the one and the same being... I can barely believe it..."

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VIII

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And so the two us, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and me, kept living our double existence, lived happy and content into the day, - and none of us all, neither the "initiates" nor myself, saw in this as anything other than a pleasant kind of distraction and entertainment, a kind of artist's mood, nothing more, nothing less... And just as little did we get distraught by the apparently increasing difference that began to show between me and the mythical girl, just as nobody gave any serious thought to the quiet changes, that slowly started showing in the shape of my body.

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But quietly something had been preparing within me...

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One night I suddenly said to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- :

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"I can't really imagine a life any more without LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. If LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. were to stay away forever, I mean, when she is no longer young and pretty. Because then she has no more reason for living."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- looked at me surprised. Then she nodded and said in her calm, thoughtful way: "strange... You are touching on something there that I have been thinking about a lot recently."

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Then she became very serious, and finally continued speaking, as if looking for the right words. She was plagued by remorse because she herself had to some extent been the cause of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s creation, for conjuring her up, for creating her, and thus guilty of this disharmony within me, that showed itself the most pronounced on the days when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. does not appear...

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I listened attentively to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's words. It was as if she showed me a mirror...

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"It sometimes happens," she kept talking quietly agitated, "it sometimes happens when she is modeling for me, that it is her more than anything that I am creating and forming, - more than the girl I show on my canvas. Sometimes it seems as if there was something here, that has become stronger than us, something that makes us powerless, that wants to push us aside,
[Page 78]
as if it wanted to take revenge on us for playing with her... The ghosts we conjured up, no longer want to let us ban them..."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- broke off, tears stood in her eyes, she wrapped her arms around me, like a mother. "We have come upon a slippery slope and I don't know where to stop anymore..." she almost cried out. I tried to calm her. But I couldn't do it. Not immediately. But then I began to speak and she listened to me. "You see," I began, "what you are saying is right, and it is scary how right it is, and the most dangerous thing of all, is that I feel how it is LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., especially LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., who keeps us together, so that we stayed together for all the years... I don't believe I could survive her."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- interrupted me: she was thinking the same thing... so often... Because LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. embodied our youth and joy of life. And then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was sobbing and stammering: "I sometimes ask myself what life would be like without her."

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We stared at each other, deeply shaken by this mutual confession, that had been the result of many weeks of rumination.

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"Anyway, I can't see," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- began anew, "how the two of us could carry on without LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...we can't lose her. Not see her anymore all of a sudden..., that would be like murder."

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"Yes," I replied, "All the more since I feel that she is about to become more vital than I am."

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Maybe this conversation had been prompted by a complete lack of courage in me. My health had been splendid all those years. Although I never looked quite robust, I had never really been sick, and had been otherwise able to endure all kinds of physical activity. -But in recent time I had not been well, which most of the time showed in complete fatigue. On top of that, I did not do well with the rainy and cold winters that ParisParis -- City in France had experienced for a few years in a row. I was coughing from late fall to spring without pause. And so must have sunken into
[Page 79]
troubled thoughts. You can't stay young forever, I thought. And I thought of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. She shared her body with me. She is a woman. For her being young meant a lot more than for me.

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My mood became gloomier and gloomier. I had been a naturally happy person until that point. Especially for as long as I was living in ParisParis -- City in France. That was over now. I felt without energy for days, weeks and months. I lacked the energy for work. Everyone who had known me all those years, knew that I had been a workaholic up to that time. -I no longer understood myself.

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In between there were recurring lighter periods. -Every time I could live in the countryside, far from ParisParis -- City in France, to collect motifs. Especially in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- . But that did not go on for much longer. I became more and more tired, more and more listless. I did not know what to do with myself. It was an unbearable condition.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- became anxious. She convinced me to visit a doctor. I indulged her. The doctor failed to find anything out of the ordinary, prescribed some reinvigorating medicine for the nerves. It didn't help. A new doctor was consulted. With the same results. And so on.

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But when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. appeared, she was doing fine, life was beautiful again. All gloom was gone.

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Which was why she now came out as often as possible. She had acquired her own circle of friends and acquaintances, she had her own memories and habits, that had absolutely nothing to do with me anymore. Often she stuck around for several days in a row. And then she happily sat together with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , and often by herself too -- with crafts, sewing, crocheting, smiling to herself. She loved these womanly activities so much, that she sometimes went into a room by herself to dream away, sunken into her crafts... Nobody understood this mystery. Not GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , not ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . Everyone regarded this enigmatic being LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., who was building up her own world around her, with a shake of the head and astonishment. But they let LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. be. She was happy.

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One event that happened back then, would, faster than
[Page 80]
people thought, become the prelude to the last period of this incessant and merciless inner struggle between LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and myself. And for a long time it seemed neither of us two would survive this struggle.

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My friend Johannes PoulsenJohannes Poulsen (historical) Linked to: #persenIv -- -@Editor: PLC from the Royal Theaterthe Royal Theatre -- in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark was on tour in ParisParis -- City in France for several days. Since his wife, the famous dancer Ulla PoulsenUlla Britta Poulsen (historical) Linked to: #persenEb -- -@Editor: PLC, accompanied him, there was also supposed to be a ballet performance. The ballet corps was not very big. One dancer was missing. So JohannesJohannes Poulsen (historical) Linked to: #persenIv -- , who knew me to be a quite decent dancer, asked me if I wanted to jump in. Of course I said yes.

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I had overexerted myself at ballet rehearsal, which was taking very long. In any case, I was having strange bleedings for the first time. Most of the time it was a nosebleed, but of such a strange kind, that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- became afraid for my well being, and asked me to give up my role. I bristled against this. Under no circumstances was I to embarrass my old friend. I endured, although these bleedings recurred after the premiere and every subsequent show. And the most incomprehensible thing was, that I succumbed to nervous crying fits each time, which were completely new to me... But after such an attack, I felt liberated... as if something within me had loosened from its torpor, as if something new, something never before felt was stirring. My whole mind seemed renewed. As if a dam had broken.

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Music never had left such a stirring, shaking impression with me, as it did on those evenings. A painfully sweet and yet relaxing experience, that captured all of my senses, that's how music affected me... It moved me to tears... and out of these tears came a crying fit.

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A complete reversal of my being occurred during these nights. So far, I had been bossy and "looked down my nose" on other people. Before the first rehearsals I felt as if I myself was abandoning me. I was
[Page 81]
surprised. I no longer recognized myself. I was gripped by a strong urge to bow down, to submit myself to another's will, to submit myself unconditionally. I was possessed by this urge. – JohannesJohannes Poulsen (historical) Linked to: #persenIv -- , my old friend and drinking buddy played, next to UllaUlla Britta Poulsen (historical) Linked to: #persenEb -- , the leading role that night. A year earlier the three of us had had been very merry together in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark. I would have never thought of playing a submissive role towards him, to acknowledge him as the leading man. Absolutely not.-

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But now during those nights, from the first rehearsal on, I submitted myself to him slavishly. He didn't find one word of disagreement within me. And not just that. – If he asked me to do this or that differently, to bow down a bit more or less during some specific figure and so forth, I would blush like a little boy.

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And when he then even touched me, I was so confused, I didn't know where to put my eyes. –

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In spite of all the mental chaos that I felt at the time, there was nothing remotely erotic in it. JohannesJohannes Poulsen (historical) Linked to: #persenIv -- and I were completely healthy creatures in that regard. I could not discover what it was. It just was like that. And it was not me who recognized this turn to demureness first, as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- called it, but GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . She teased me with that, smilingly. But behind her smile she hid boundless astonishment.

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I was wearing my dancing regalia for the first time for the dress rehearsal: a tight fitting leotard, a bolero, a short jacket and a wig with short curls. After the dress rehearsal, as I was standing in the dirty, dark corridor that was substituting for the wardrobe of the theater, in the process of taking my make-up off, a group of mercenaries, who also belong to the ballet troupe, walks by, their swords rattling. One of them gave me a soft slap.

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"It suits you admirably well to play a role in trousers, Mademoiselle!" the guy grinned.

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As I turn around in an energetic protestation, the guys chicken out and yell at me: "There is so much bluff these days, ma petite Demoiselle..."

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A few minutes later I have to go back on stage. As JohannesJohannes Poulsen (historical) Linked to: #persenIv -- sees me, he screws up his face in a cozy grin and shouts with laughter: "No, children, that doesn't work this way. Now we have too many ladies!"

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At first I don't understand anything, turn around baffled, all eyes are on me, grinning, I tumble out the door, my head red as a turkey's, into the arms of a costumier, hold him tight and plead with him to ‘costume me more like a man, the good directorJohannes Poulsen (historical) Linked to: #persenIv -- wishes it.'

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He tried it with one of his colleagues' help, to the whinnying laughter of the two philistines. And I pulled myself together and pretended as if all of this left me completely untouched.

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The night before the premiere I encountered a pretty muscularly built actor, who has to dance along in the ballet wearing the same costume I was wearing. As he notices me, he scrutinized me with his gaze from head to toe and then bursts out angrily: "My God, man, you -@Translator: SW look impossible..."

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I am speechless, want to sink into the earth. If a man had told me something like that earlier, I would have knocked him out. But now I could not do anything but to look around with empty eyes, helplessly and baffled...

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When I tell GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- everything later, she confesses that she too has noticed a curious change in the contours of my body. I looked like a woman in disguise in this dancer's costume...

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In the following time my anxiety took up a pathological character. I was afflicted by these strange bouts of depression with strong bleedings in almost regular intervals. These were accompanied by intense pains. And on top of that these never before known crying spells. First I thought I had torn some inner organ when dancing. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- too believed this. That's why we went to see a doctor with whom we were friends , who was actually a cardiologist and who technically wasn't competent for my assumed ailment. But he had known me for years. But he did not know anything of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. Only our "most intimates"
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knew of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.... This doctor was not among them. Which is why I did not tell him of my double life..., even though I myself had begun to guess a connection between this and my physical state.

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Since he did not find anything after a thorough examination that could explain the strange occurrences of the recent time, he and I went to see a young specialist, whom I actually knew in passing from VersaillesVersailles -- . This doctor examined my form thoroughly and with growing astonishment, and finally concluded that he could observe strange irregularities in my innards. And also he explained that the only thing to do in this case was to wait and be in good spirits, since my physical constitution was healthy and unspent; with such a body one could still withstand taxing things.

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Without this doctor having said anything specific or direct, this visit still gave me confidence and an almost mythical sense of hope...

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I was absolutely clear about something extraordinary going on in me. This I could read in the doctor's face, without his words giving me reason for such an assumption.

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And now I began, - as many sick people do who don't quite know what exactly ails them, - to procure all kinds of scientific books on sex-related problems. I had acquired specialized knowledge in this field in a short amount of time, and I knew some things now, that the laymen would never even dream of. But it became increasingly clear to me, that nothing of all of the things relating to normal men and women was applicable to my mysterious condition.

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And so it happened that I came to my own opinion, namely that in my one body I was both man as well as woman, and that the woman in this body was about to gain the upper hand. From this guess I deduced the cause of the disturbances both physical and mental, which ailed me increasingly.

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I confessed all of this to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . She understood my seeking and my search for clarity on my more and more unbelievable condition. And when, encouraged by her, I put forth my theory to the most different array of doctors in ParisParis -- City in France and VersaillesVersailles -- , I was not just met with shaking heads but even with some derision. The most courteous of them treated me indulgently for all kinds of ailments, the others viewed me as a hysteric or simply as a madman.

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It was a terrible time. A nightmare without end. My health was going downhill, I barely could find any sleep any longer. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was the only one who unwaveringly believed in my theory. It was her who helped me again and again to not lose faith in one day finding salvation.

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Exactly a year ago in April we went south again, to ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- believed that a change of air, especially during the wet and humid ParisParis -- City in France spring, when it was mostly pretty rainy in ParisParis -- City in France, would do me well. The French winter had been unusually cold. The whole of March was rainy. Beyond the Alpsthe Alps -- we found the world in bloom.

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We traveled directly to RomeRome -- City in Italy. There we had arranged a meeting with an Italian officerRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative we had met in FlorenceFlorence -- City in Italy years before. Since then we had been in correspondence with each other. He had just returned from the Orient -@Translator: SW after long, colonial service for a vacation back home. He was waiting for us at the train station, and brought us to our hotel, where we quickly changed clothes, to go out for dinner somewhere in the cityRome -- City in Italy. I was limitlessly exhausted after the long train ride and had indescribable pain, - but I did not want to ruin GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's or our friend's day. So I came along.

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We sat at "FaccianoFacciano -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified." The mild evening chill wafted in through the door... from the beautiful Piazza ColonnaPiazza Colonna -- , where one can see the white column shimmer in the red façade of the Palazzo ChigiPalazzo Chigi -- , and the colonnade of "Biffithe colonnade of Biffi -- ," where one can hear the hoarse cries of the newspapermen, after which one no longer needs to buy an issue. And the orchestra plays its hit songs...

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I will never forget that night.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- sat opposite of me. Beaming. With a dreamy smile now and then.

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Something jolted through me... She suddenly looked as if she was barely 25 years old. All the tiredness was as if spirited away. And next to her sat our friend Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative, beaming as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- did. When we first got to know him years ago he seemed to be destined to only be a superficial acquaintance. Back then he was a newly made lieutenant. "Il bello tenente FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative" everyone called him back then... Back then ... It was during our first trip to ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe... When we separated then, it seemed like it would be forever. Until his letters from the distant colony arrived with us in ParisParis -- City in France... Most of them addressed to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

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A deep melancholy stole over me. I had to think of back then and the years that had passed. And a little about myself. What had happened to me?-

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I pulled myself together. The blonde "OrvietoOrvieto -- " had to help me. A thousand questions were asked. Just as many were answered. "Do you still remember this person and that person... Where did he end up... And Miss X... What happened to her... Do you remember the night at LapiLapi -- ... that evening in the casino -@Editor: PLC... And the night after in the movie theater on Piazza Vittorio EmmanuelePiazza Vittorio Emanuele -- ... All the old names, the beloved well-known places and moods resurfaced... I saw everything in front of me as if it were today... And here I was sitting with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative and smiled as they did... And now and then their smile belonged to them alone... And they looked as they did back then... Years ago, when still young. But I smiled along. But it was a just a forced smile. My old love of life was broken. I had changed... had become someone else... had become a person without courage.

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There in RomeRome -- City in Italy, now a year ago, in that most magnificent city in the world, between the rust-red walls and trickling fountains, back then I finally realized that I had not just changed, but that I was finished, done. Irrevocably done. This mild and at the same time cruel Roman spring became a sort of overture for my final act... I felt that back then, I knew it, like something you can not change.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I had rented an atelier with a broad terrace full of flowers close to the Piazza di SpagnaPiazza di Spagna -- . This sunny home in the immediate vicinity of one of RomeRome -- City in Italy's most beautiful squares belongs among my most unforgettable memories. I was sick every day. Every day... Meanwhile all the roses and all the many orange trees were in bloom outside our atelier window.

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Now and then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. appeared. But she too had lost her carefree nature. She cried, cried every time. She understood how good life could be. She felt that I had to die.

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Now and then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- cried too. She was so strong otherwise. Also in RomeRome -- City in Italy. She tried to paint. But nothing would come of it. If I lay awake next to her at night, I noticed, how she too was lying there with her eyes wide awake.

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We spent the nights with FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative usually. Slowly his nature too changed. A sickly melancholia pressed on him more and more, even though he tried being upbeat. Once he could no longer hold it in. He said, he basically had failed in his life. He could understand people who, after coming to this conclusion, went into a monastery for their final refuge... Such people existed in the twentieth century, too... I noticed that he meant these words seriously ...

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And then I had to think of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . Hadn't she too failed in her life? Had she not sacrificed herself so I wasn't alone, – because she felt that I had become a sick man, - because she knew that she was the only one who understood me? I knew her loyalty and her attachment to me. I knew no earthly force could move her to leave me, - today less than ever. – She was still young now... She still had time to catch up with many, many things she missed for my sake.

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For me life no longer had any appeal. I know it is the wrong word – for the others. But for me it says and encompasses everything. Why should I keep dragging myself onward? No doctor understood what was wrong with me, nobody could help me. To live on, sick and old ahead of time.... The most horrible thought for me. I thought it all through, completely unpassionately. Without remorse for myself. Completely calm and rational. And so the thought became self-evident: better to die. Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- would be free.
[Page 87]
Then life can give her many rich years still.

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Back then, on that night in RomeRome -- City in Italy I made a decision. That is still valid today. Only one can change it.

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It was May back then. I gave myself a one year period. If I couldn't find a doctor within that time who could help me, - who wants to try to save LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., - to separate her from me, oh I know how difficult it is for others, to understand these words, separate LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. from me, - but how else am I supposed to put it into words?- ... Yes, if I don't find this helper before next May, then I myself will in all quietness say goodbye to this existence, even if the other being, that had to share my body with me, will have to share this fate with me. I even put down the date. It should be the first of May. That was when this double execution was supposed to take place... And it should happen in a discreet way, to spare GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- as much as we both could, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and me.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ... How to spare her... That was the most difficult thing of all. I knew all too well, how GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- would react to a violent end of my life. But in spite of all ruminations and misgivings about the best, most loyal friend of my life I saw there was no other way out for me, - it would still be a salvation - for us both. And certainly the only one possible.

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When I had made that decision, I felt a kind of relief. At least I knew now that there would be an end to this anguish, in the near future.

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My health deteriorated from day to day. And the moment came in which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- accepted that I could not stay in RomeRome -- City in Italy any longer, and that a return to ParisParis -- City in France, where we knew some diligent doctors, was urgently necessary.

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Boundlessly depressed we left RomeRome -- City in Italy,- and Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative, on a sunny spring morning, much, much earlier than planned.

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In ParisParis -- City in France, in this familiar surrounding, my condition apparently improved. Again we went to see a few specialists. But always with negative results. Finally a radiologist agreed to treat me. It almost cost me my life, - and I would have almost been
[Page 88]
relieved of the necessity to carry out the execution on that agreed upon first of May.

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Since the Paris summer became too hot, we moved to VersaillesVersailles -- again, close to the parkPark of Versailles -- . Our life proceeded as it did before. Neither GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- nor I loved to make much of our weal and woe, of our joys and sorrows. Work is the best doctor I told myself. And so I went out with my painter's easel and paintbox into the parkPark of Versailles -- , as frequently as my condition allowed. And as often as she liked to, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. appeared and tried to divert GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and me.

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The only one who clearly recognized my condition was Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost. He was the only consoler for us. He felt very quietly, without saying many words, what hid behind the seeming calm that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I and - LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. displayed to him during his visits. When he came over on Sundays merriment ruled as it did before.

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If we didn't have Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost back then...

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He, like GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , had long since understood that the only thing that was still vital within me was LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.... Both believed this unwaveringly. And this was why both encouraged LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to come as often as she wanted. –

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Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost often went on long walks through the park of VersaillesVersailles -- Park of Versailles -- with her... The two of them made plans for the future.

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On one such night, as the setting sun set all windows of the palacePalace of Versailles -- and the mirror calm surfaces of the ponds ablaze, the two of them strolled across the terrace. Suddenly they heard a woman say to her company in passing: "Look, two happy people!"

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This night even Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost couldn't find his happy laugh again.

- - - -

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Most of our friends and acquaintances grasped my condition more clearly than all doctors we had consulted so far. Of course their condolences were limited to words. But at the same time their words gave me a moral stability... They saw in me a burdened human being whose suffering was a true
[Page 89]
martyrdom, and not, as the French doctors explained again and again, imagination and hysteria...

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This way I met an old, French painter in TrianonTrianon -- one day. We had known each other for years, but had not seen each other for some time. He asked sympathetically how I was doing, - I replied evasively without letting him in on anything in the slightest.

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To my surprise he replied then. "I have watched you for a long time, without you noticing me. Here in the parkTrianon -- when you were painting. There I noticed the change you went through in the past few years. Back in the day you appeared fresh, straight, like a healthy man. – Nothing compared to now, - excuse me for saying this, - you seem to me like a girl in disguise... You are sick... You are very sick indeed. There is a radical change going on inside you. A fantastical thought. But even things that never were can become fact tomorrow. We have known cases of inversion for a long time. The doctors were able to manage those. So why shouldn't you be able to find similar help. Hopefully you will find a courageous doctor with a good imagination... That is what everything depends on... Of course where is a poor painter supposed to get such a giant fee for such an expert... Let's hope that you will still find a man who will take you on for humane and scientific reasons."

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These and similar expressions of understanding were like a small oasis during my trek through the desert, and they gave me courage and power to carry on my hopeless search for a savior.

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In this last summer in VersaillesVersailles -- I began to recognize that people often looked after me with bewilderment, on the street, in the park, wherever I walked or stood, - even in stores I used to frequent for years. I had noticed this in ParisParis -- City in France, too, now and then in the past few years... But not to the extent it now happened in VersaillesVersailles -- . By the way, Parisians are the best behaved, most indifferent, most blasé people in the world, while the people of VersaillesVersailles -- are simply small town folk.

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One morning as I wanted to use a passage through the Hotel des ReservoirHôtel des Réservoirs -- Luxury hotel on rue des Réservoirs, near the park of Versailles, Paris., to get to the parkPark of Versailles -- more quickly, a couple of young waiters are standing there.

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I barely pay attention to them, and have already passed. Then I hear the words spoken behind me, in original Copenhagen slang: "Would'ya look at that, a nice lass who put on pants to go paint." -@Translator: SW

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By the way, the hotels of VersaillesVersailles -- are full of Danish waiters, - I know not why. Maybe, because German and Austrian waiters were hired there before the war, because of their language skills.

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Enough. I pretended not to have heard anything, and kept walking, ruminated on the meaning of this compliment, - and it began to dawn on me why I was raising as much attention as I did recently.

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A few days later the wife of our concierge , who we got along with splendidly, stops me to tell me the following: "Monsieur please don't be cross me with me when I tell Monsieur that the clerk at the shop here in the district where Madame and Monsieur go shopping does not want to believe that Monsieur is a Monsieur." She stood there, eyes and lips wide open, as I replied, smiling: "Ma brave Dame, I am inclined to agree with the shopkeepers!"

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This and similar incidents showed me that the situation began to become paradoxical. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could not be allowed to show herself on the street, since she and I shared a body, - although not a single human soul took note of her if she decided to show herself among people, except for occasional "pursuers." I however was gawked at everywhere I went, even though I was correctly dressed as a man, and going my way with wide manly paces, - and people thought me a girl in disguise...

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It was impossible to bear.

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In the fall, when we returned to ParisParis -- City in France, I noticed that here too I was beginning to draw attention, even though that came to expression in more subtle ways. In the metro or on the bus or on the tram I often caught glances or words from people
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that were watching me. Although I wanted to ignore their remarks, I could comprehend what they were saying from just a few fragments of words, and understood enough to convince myself that they shared the opinion of the shopkeeper in Versialles. With my deep knowledge of the Parisians it quickly became doubly clear to me that I was really in the process of becoming more of an attention magnet, - and that fact made me more and more nervous, - my nerves, damaged from years of suffering were in an uproar: they could no longer bear seeing me followed by inquisitive, curious, grinning gazes. This harassment from my fellow human beings depressed me to no end.

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And so I went to see our cardiologist friend anew. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had been seeing him a few days earlier and had tried to explain my and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s double life to him, - and he had promised her to lead me to another specialist in VersaillesVersailles -- , - even though he personally saw everything as an obsession of mine and solely a "pathological imagination without any physiological basis".

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"Your husband is healthy. His body is normal. I speak from a deep knowledge, from thorough analysis of his body, Madame," that was his last word on that matter...

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That new visit to the new specialist in VersaillesVersailles -- would be my last experiment, or so I had promised GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and myself, before we were to be on our way. On arrival, I immediately had the impression that the two doctors had already arranged their plan of attack: they wanted to try to expel my "hysterical whimsies". After a superficial conversation I was told I was a completely normally built man, who had nothing wrong with him, who just should try to pull himself together to prove himself a man with good spirits and good humor, so he could keep on living the life of a regular human being, masculini generis...

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I was being regarded during the dispensation of that deep verdict with barely suppressed irony: I was regarded a hysteric, simply a dissimulator, and one of the two, the "new specialist" hinted that I would basically be - homosexual. That intimation almost made me forget
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my self-control and my good upbringing. If GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had not saved the situation with a bright burst of laughter and had not rejected this suggestion as patently absurd, I would have literally and figuratively gone for the throats of these reckless gentlemen.

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After this hopeless consultation that was deeply depressing for me as well as for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , I noticed soon after how I had used up my last remaining reserves of power. And I swore to myself quietly that there would from now on not be a force in world strong enough to make me go see new doctors.

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I did not want to be degraded to the mockery of those gentlemen doctors.

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I told myself: since my case is completely unknown in the history of the medical arts, it simply does not exist, was not allowed to exist. My and with that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s death sentence was certain with that. Now all that mattered was maintaining as decent and noiseless a patience as possible, until the short term that I had given myself was up.

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On the outside, nothing about our lives in the atelier changed. I was often in a carefree mood even, first and foremost when friends or acquaintances were over, but especially towards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , since I was afraid she could see through me. She was not doing well, I could see that through all her being. She pulled herself together, showed me a smiling expression most of the time, behind which she believed herself able to hide her fear and desolation. She had become so restless. Oftentimes whenever she believed I was not watching her, she looked at me quizzically, so that I feared that she suspected my plans...

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In those weeks I only had one desire: listening to music. I no longer wanted to go to concerts. Not to see any people. This was why I bought gramophone records in a truly wasteful manner. Classical and modern music, all kinds of things. And in the evenings deep into the nights I played our gramophone. Like a man dying of thirst I devoured everything that was music. Bright and tragic, banal and ceremonious, melodic and unharmonious music, - as long as it was music. It was my solace,
[Page 92]
my only consolation, whether it moved me to tears or prompted me to sing along with one of the latest pop songs a dozen times, or even to ask GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to dance with me. I lived off music back then. If I couldn't sleep, I ran towards it. If I didn't want to open my eyes in the morning, then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- brought the gramophone from the atelier to my bedside.

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SchubertSchubert (historical) -- German composer's immortal song "To the Music" ... how often had this most moving of all hymns to life helped me to be patient a bit longer. There was nothing, nothing, that could be smilingly dismissed with the word sentimentality. There is nothing sentimental in me. I was never less sentimental than I was then. I just felt unendingly lost, subjected to a fate that transcended descended human understanding. The language of the soul itself, the language of sounds freed me from having to speak myself, from having to give form to my inconsolable ruminations. Not to think myself, not to clad thoughts in words, was my daily, nightly cry for help...

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Earlier I had found distraction in reading. I had put together entire libraries in our atelier... Now I no longer opened up any books. What could the fates of strange beings tell me, since I could not find solace from any of the beings in these books, that was a being like me. No poet could have written poetry about such a being, since no poet ever thought that such a being could have ever lived. How could the philosophers of the Greeks and of the present help me, who only tell us of thinking of the male and the thinking of the female in separate bodies and brains and souls? PlatoPlato (historical) -- Athenian philosopher's banquet... Earlier I had found sanctuary there. PlatoPlato (historical) -- Athenian philosopher knew of people on the margins of both worlds of feeling, the one of the man and the one of the woman, that they are mixed beings. But here in my sickly body there lived two beings, separate from one another, not related to one another, hostile to one another, even if they had compassion for one another, since they knew that this body only had room for one of them. One of these two beings had to perish, to disappear, or both had to die.

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Madness touched me in those nights, madness that had grasped
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that this body which I was torturing myself with, with no hope of salvation, was not mine, was not mine alone, that my part of this body shrank from day to day, since it was encapsulating a being within that for the price of my existence was demanding its own existence. I felt like a fraud, like an usurper, who ruled over a body, that long since was no longer his. I felt like one, who only owns the façade of a house. Madness to think this thought to its conclusion, since there was no end for it, if not this one end: to not be. And I no longer wanted to be.

- - -

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Now and then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. still appeared. And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was delighted about her appearance every time. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was happier than I. Both knew that. And LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. knew that she could console GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- with that. Now and then she remained for several days on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's pleading. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- could bear the nights more easily together with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could more easily fall asleep. And once she slept, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- could fall asleep too. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. often cried without GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- noticing. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had always had her own dream world. She had always had such happy dreams. Now her dreams had disappeared. They had been back only a few nights. And every dream had been the continuation of another. It was winter. She dreamed of approaching spring, that had a lot of sun. She told GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- of these dreams. But she often felt they were just dreams. And then she became afraid. But the night after, an even more beautiful dream dispersed her fears again. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- secretly noted her dreams down in a diary, she once told me. And she phrased it in a way as if she had just let me in on a secret.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. basically dreams up a novel for you, I replied to her and turned away, empty.

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But this dream novel became the favorite topic of conversation for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. during those dark days, and these conversations were the only thing that gave GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. strength and kept their hope alive, their burning hope that a wonder, a marvel could still happen.

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And then it was February. ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- had again come to ParisParis -- City in France. And then one morning ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- took me to a strange man from GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe Kreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , who then brought me here.

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Today it is the third of March. In about two months it is the first of May. That is the irrevocable, farthest time. After that there will be no Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- left. Whether or not LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. will survive that day and live her own life, that lies now entirely in Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ' hands."

- - - - - -

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IX

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- stepped into his hotel, it was almost morning. An icy cold March morning.

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He stood at the window of his hotel room for a long time, looking down on the almost empty plaza in front of the train station. A few automated cabs stood there. A few late-night strollers. And the shimmering glow of the glass wall of the long building of the station. A pale, tired glow. Only the morning air was awake.

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Shivering he closed the window.

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He was very tired. But it was a comforting tiredness, - like after a long, tiring march with a heavy burden carried on one's back.

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The march was over. The burden no longer pressed on his back. In the past night he had confessed his life to his friend. This odd, mysterious double existence of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and him, ineffable even to himself.

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He slowly disrobed. He stood in front of the mirror, naked. He had to think of the words he said that night: I am like one who only owns the façade of a house. His mirror image showed only the façade... It was the immaculate body of a man.

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What was behind that façade?...

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No, no more questions now.

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Just sleep, for a few good, deep hours.

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His journey was behind him. He was at his destination now. Beyond that, there was no more journey left for him. He was done. If there was a new beginning behind his end of the journey, it would only be a beginning for - - LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

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He was ready.

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That knowledge of himself gave him both a sense of security and calm and equanimity.

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With a pure, yes, elated happiness he woke up after a few hours, took a bath, ate breakfast, punctually went to the last visits to different doctors, was in good spirits and almost carefree. "Now I am like a traveler without any baggage," he told himself, "like one who is on vacation from his true self." Standing in the middle of Leipziger StrasseLeipziger Strasse -- In Berlin, Germany, he heard a child's voice whisper: "Look there mamma, a woman in men's clothes..." He turns around, looks
[Page 96]
into two shocked, blue girl's eyes, possibly a ten-year-old with thick, blonde braids; the little one turns ruby red and clutched hold of her mother's arm, who looks at him as baffled as her daughter and hurriedly walks on with the child.

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He, too, has turned ruby red, he feels. This time he did not smile. An odd, hard defiance rose within him. Like a rearing up of the man in him. Without wanting to do it himself or even knowing it, he stopped in front of a shop's window, observing his own mirror image inquisitively in the blue window pane. Annoyed he turned away. "None of my business anymore. None of my business anymore." He repeated that sentence several times, defiantly, then looked at his watch, it was half past four in the afternoon, at five he should be at the M. SanatoriumProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin, with Professor G.Dr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt --

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He found himself at Potsdamer PlatzPotsdamer Platz -- , went to the post office, searched in the giant telephone book for the number of Baroness SchildtBaronin Schildt (fictional) -- Modeled on Anne-Marie Goldschmidt-Rothschild, whom he had wanted to visit, previously, and had himself be connected. She was not at home. Hurriedly he bought a pneumatic tube letter, despatched a few brief lines: "Dearest BaronessBaronin Schildt (fictional) -- Modeled on Anne-Marie Goldschmidt-Rothschild, please don't be mad if you don't see me again. In a few minutes I will take a cab and will arrange my own funeral: Tomb of M. sanatoriumProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin. Whatever happens, please keep me in your heart. And if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. should survive alone, don't leave her all alone. I know that not all my men friends will be her friends. But my women friends... I would like to leave them to her..."

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He threw the letter in the sack of the postman, who was just in the process of emptying the blue postbox. He handed the good man a Reichsmark. The man looked at him baffled. Before the man could thank him, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had already hopped into the next cab, gave the chauffeur the exact address of the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin, and stepped into the sanatoriumProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin five o'clock precisely.

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There he was received by a pretty "sister." Immediately he was lead to the head of the clinic, a quite young, blond, almost athletically built man, who observed him with his smart, buoyant, bright blue eyes. He also noted some curiosity in the doctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- .

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"I just had a long phone conversation with my dear colleague KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros --
[Page 97]
about your case," the doctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- began right away, "which means I am fully informed. Before that I had a briefing with colleague A.Professor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, who was the first to examine you here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. Colleague A.Professor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified will be present during the procedure I will have to perform. I would like to converse with you now, briefly, too. A personal impression is necessary."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- replied very matter-of-factly: "Please, ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- , ask away." But the doctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- preferred a visual examination to all questions, asked AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to disrobe and to lie down on a prepared examination divan of the kind that he had now gotten to know thoroughly in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany.

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"Yes," the doctor then concluded after a careful analysis of his figure," "you are indeed absolutely what you present as in ordinary life, a correctly built man, but still your body does show a certain female form, undoubtedly. A curious phenomenon, I have to admit. I am astonished by the overall findings..." And while AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- got dressed again, the surgeonDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- paced back and forth, observed the patient without pause, glanced at his day book and then said: "I know you are in a hurry. Then return tomorrow morning..."

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"That doesn't quite work, since tomorrow morning I am supposed to be photographed before the surgery by Dr. M. H.Professor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- , as requested by Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ."

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"Good," Professor G.Dr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- explained, after again glancing at his journal, "four o'clock in the afternoon also works... Today is Monday... So I will operate on you tomorrow, Tuesday night..."

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"Agreed, doctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- ," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- practically shouted the words with excitement. The next moment, following a hard handshake with his helper, he was back out – outside.

- - - -

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"So we have a last respite," he said quietly to himself, looked at his watch, it was almost half past six... A cab stopped nearby. He told the chauffeur the name of his hotel – and spent this very last night alone with himself in his hotel room. He felt, sensed, that he could not ask any more of his nerves or of his body, -
[Page 98]
the last night he spent awake, the conversation earlier, the loud, foreign, giant city around him.

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"I am no longer a player now ... I am just on duty now... for Lili... I have to save up now..." Those were his last thoughts, before he, - it wasn't even eight o'clock, - sank into a dreamless sleep on the foreign hotel bed.

- - - -

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- left the hotel on time on Tuesday morning, it was a clear, crisp March day, he wandered down FriedrichstrasseFriedrichsstrasse -- Street in Berlin, Germany a short stretch, then turned onto the broad boulevard of Unter den LindenUnter den Linden -- , stood on Pariser PlatzPariser Platz -- , in front of the austere, simple Brandenburg GateBrandenburg Gate -- . The sun, a harsh, brightly golden March sun elevated this beautiful, almost classically clean streetscape, that reminded AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- of the most well done places in ParisParis -- City in France. "How perfect German architects are able to build... How much you can learn here." The painter within him awoke. He walked into TiergartenTiergarten -- . Everywhere was sun and the budding green. And the old green was shining like delicious bronze. He wandered along a narrow path that soon reaches a small lake. Ducks are swimming on it in funny formations. The branches of high trees reflect on the almost ripple-free surface of the water.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- stopped. He had never been here before. This small piece of nature in the middle of the metropolis! He inhaled the image. He had to think of so many unforgettable morning hours in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, FranceFrance -- Country in Europe and DenmarkDenmark -- Country in Europe, where as a happy person he had carried the whole of his happiness in his eyes...

ts-trc09p028

With his paint box, easel and canvas he had gone out, far away from cities and people, and had praised his own fate being allowed to be a painter, nothing but a painter, a very simple creature, fully immersed in the moment. To not lose those delicious moments was his urge that found release when he was painting. He painted as if in a fever, could not wait to capture the picture that presented itself to his discharging view, this discharging view that was blown inside by the winds of wanderings, that sees more than the dull gaze of other people, that was brighter than the gaze of others... prescient... How much he had always loved the word... How he
[Page 99]
loved this word again in this instance!

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He had always been one with this ineffable, stirring, this play of light and shadow, bright and dark, color and form, sounds from this cacophony and mess of vines... He had always felt like a secret bird stalker, who is lying in wait and knows all the mating calls until he found what he was searching for.

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That was how he had created his pictures, bound onto the dead canvas with dead colors, until these things he had harkened with his eyes began to have a life of their own... A captured echo he confessed to himself, a dim echo is what my pictures are... But still an echo... And he had been happy and very humble like an insider... And those hours had been the only true joys of his life. These joys had belonged to him, him alone, he had not had to share these joys with any other being, he had not robbed anyone else of these joys, or stolen... They had been exclusively his riches, his property... Could he bequeath this property, these riches?... He felt this question like a fear rising within... He had never before heard that question within himself... Joy, could that be bequeathed? The joy of painting...? For him, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , that joy was irrevocably over.

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And LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ... If she was allowed to survive, would she feel the drive to paint? If he could give her this joy, this feeling of happiness in creation, if he could give this to her as an inheritance, to make up for the life he stole from her, for the many years of youth, his guilty conscious, that so often pressed him to the ground, would be eased...

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That he had to think of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. now... Of her who had so different inclinations than he... Completely different from his... she had always felt disgusted getting her hands dirty with paint. Smiling he now remembered that. And he himself had used his naked fingers just as much as his paintbrush... He laughed out loud. Why think of an inheritance, a legacy, now ... What was it he he had done in this life? Right, he had a small proof that he did not share with anyone else: the golden "palm" of the ParisParis -- City in France "Academy"... Oh vanity...

ts-trc09p033

Should he turn around again?... He stood upon a delicate,
[Page 100]
slightly wavy bridge over which he could look onto a broad canal, that let its waters drop through a half raised sluice into a spillway, that hissed and shimmered like a miniature waterfall.

ts-trc09p034

Right, I'm like one who wants to sail down a waterfall now, he thought, and I recognize how the current is gripping me, and I no longer know where the trip is going. Maybe into complete destruction... Anyway... now, I can't easily leave the boat any longer... The decision is made... I can't go back...

- - - -

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Half an hour later he is with Doctor M.SProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- -@Editor: PLC. He has to wait a long time for the photographer who is supposed to capture his and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s common body in a picture. What is all this for, he asks himself. His happy, confident mood is gone. He only feels limitless tiredness. He would have preferred to just sit down somewhere quietly to cry.

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A woman, the doctor's assistant, joined him in the waiting room. She begins a conversation with him. He mostly just listens. She has poise and what she says he feels is without curiosity, without intrusiveness.

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"Your case is a novelty for all of us here. And what increases the interest we take in you out of scientific interest, is the fact that you are an artist, an intellectual, and you are able to analyze yourself, your feelings, your emotional life, you will experience the most outrageous, most incredible thing: first to have lived and felt as a man, and then to live and feel as a woman. I have to think of the Roman emperor who took his life because he could not achieve what is now becoming your fate..."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- listens quietly, like one who is receiving news about another that he has long since known himself. The cordiality and objectivity with which the woman spoke to him, he felt was a blessing. To connect objectivity and cordiality is something that is only in the nature of the German people.

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When the photographer finally arrived, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had found his
[Page 101]
good mood again, at least superficially. "Now please, no more relapses," that was the order he gave himself, appealing in an empathetic way to his own defiance, and as he left the institute of Doctor M. H.Professor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- , he invited himself to a "farewell breakfast." He selected a suitable restaurant in the west of town with the greatest care, and then very meticulously chose the menu, at the beginning of which he put a "Homard à l'amèricaine" -@Editor: PLC with quietly chilled "Liebfrauenmilch" -@Translator: SW of the most select vintage.

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When he was done, nearly two hours later, the polyglot head waiter said in the most perfect French: "Monsieur has certainly come to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany to amuse himself... Theater... Music... for that we are well recognized as a center in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany... And in regard to our ladies, how does Monsieur like our ladies... here on KurfürstendammKurfürstendamm -- ...?"

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"Charming, really elegant," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- hurried to respond, even though his gallows humor was about to break through. "Here in your atmospheric, sublimely ‘dolled up' establishment, which is not exceeded in comfort by any Parisian restaurant, I see a couple of superb specimens of the most refined taste, who could be at home in ParisParis -- City in France or in RomeRome -- City in Italy as well. And I would give much of my heart's calm to lay my adorations at their feet, if I didn't have to undergo quite a fateful surgery in a few hours..."

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The head waiter made big eyes upon this revelation.

- - - -

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He went to the hotel right after, paid his bill, took a car, drove to ThomasiusstrasseThomasiusstrasse -- , to bid farewell to his friends. "You don't quite look like a sacrificial lamb," his friend NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative -@Editor: PLC concluded immediately on his arrival.

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"I don't feel like one either, - on the contrary, -" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- shouted back, laughing.

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While Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- put her hands together over her head: "But AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , you are supposed to be operated on in a few hours, and you come over here with an almost pitch black Importe -@Editor: PLC in your mouth."

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And with that she surprisingly ripped the cigar from his hand.

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"Oh please, I have just come from my last meal, or rather, I have literally celebrated my ‘l'enterrement de ma vie de garçon -@Editor: PLC without the slightest equivoque, -@Editor: PLC
[Page 102]
which in this expression is closest to your "Polterabend" ..." -@Editor: PLC -@Translator: SW

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Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- took him by the hand. "I have not been a nurse for nothing, and I know how one has to behave prior to a surgery. Certainly not the way you do, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . Those are stupid little boys' pranks, to go out and splurge. That is just making trouble. By the way, you look quite bad now. And now NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative will accompany you to the sanatoriumProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin."

ts-trc09p049

And so it came to pass. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- entered the sanatoriumProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin without a cigar and under the auspices of his friend.

ts-trc09p050

This fateful entrance by the way went on quite businesslike. The surgery nurse MarianneSøster Marianne (fictional) -- Not mentioned in A1 or G1; Historical figure not identified received the two gentlemen, lead them into a blindingly white room smelling of all kinds of disinfectants, close to the operating theater, of which the doors stood open. A few nurses seemed busy making preparations for a new operation. A strong, slightly sweet scent of anesthetic wafted in.

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Unfortunately Professor G.Dr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- was not able to arrive until about six o'clock, so the gentlemen would have to be patient, they were told.

ts-trc09p052

The clock showed barely four. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative made a completely desperate face. "I can't endure two hours in here," he said, almost contritely, went to nurse MarianneSøster Marianne (fictional) -- Not mentioned in A1 or G1; Historical figure not identified and explained that he would take the patient to the nearby "Romanisches CaféRomanisches Café -- A widely renowned hangout of German intelligentsia and literati in 1920s Berlin" -@Translator: SW to pass the time. After AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had solemnly sworn to return on time, the two almost hurriedly left the sanatorium. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was in the most hurry.

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After they had found a seat opposite the newspaper stand, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- found a red haired cripplethe cripple (fictional) -- only a few meters away from them, the "newspaper chief". AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had jumped up immediately, approached the cripplethe cripple (fictional) -- from behind, which he noted with a surprise, for which he received a Reichsmark from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and then a second Reichsmark, after he had touched the quite humongous humpback of the "newspaper chief". After that, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- sat back down, happily smiling, next to NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative.

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"Dear NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative," he then said as reply to the friend's surprised reaction, "this is what I call friendship! You brought me together with such a magnificent hunchback just at the eleventh hour -@Editor: PLC. Of course you don't know that such a guy is good luck, infallibly. This is a southern superstition. Granted. But I do feel protected now – against everything. Really bulletproof. Such a manly hunchback, when you touch it, works miracles. A female hunchback on the other hand, does quite the opposite."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative shook himself with laughter. "There you can see how I care for you. Now I, too, am no longer afraid on your behalf."

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"Which we should drink to with a noble drop of Rhenish wine, as if it were a funeral toast of the Nordic tradition." And with that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had already ordered a bottle of the best vintage from the waiter. "But please, three glasses!"

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"Three?" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative asks.

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"Of course, the red haired hunchbackthe cripple (fictional) -- must drink with us." Which the redheadthe cripple (fictional) -- didn't need to hear twice, even if he didn't quite understand the occasion of the invitation. "Our kind is used to quite some sorrow," the invited manthe cripple (fictional) -- replied while bowing deeply, clasped the glass and raised it to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , "to your health, dear Sir! May your kind soul long outlive you!"

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"The guy talks like a prophet!" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative cried out and made big eyes. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- enfolded the redheadthe cripple (fictional) -- in his arms, kissed him on both cheeks, and let the surprised man go again, held up his glass, caressed the hump of the cripplethe cripple (fictional) -- with his free hand. "If you knew what you gave to me with those beautiful words, you magnificent chap! In this sense!" And he let his glass clink against the cripplethe cripple (fictional) -- 's. "Three's a charm!" And he looked at NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative. And NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative understood his friend. And standing up the three drinkers emptied the bottle. And once AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative finally left, the redheadthe cripple (fictional) -- looked after them for a long time with earnest eyes.

- - - - -

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The room of the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin which was awaiting AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was already lit. A nurse accompanied him in, and recorded his personal details, hung a fever scale over his bed and asked AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to lie down immediately. The doctors would be in soon.

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"Then it is probably better if I leave right away," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative asked.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- nodded, smiling. "So, old chap, farewell and I will put in all the effort to make the prophecy of the redheadthe cripple (fictional) -- come true." NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative wanted to say something else. But AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- pushed him out the door. "Nice of you, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , otherwise I could end up getting sentimental. So, in the meaning of the redheadthe cripple (fictional) -- ." A quick shaking of hands, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was alone.-

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He looked around. Mechanically, without any clear thought in his head. He paced back and forth. One, two, three times... Without realizing it, he began counting his steps. "So it's seven paces long, and six paces wide," then he sat down on the bed, he took in the room. A hospital room of which there were countless others. Bright walls. And a bed and a table and a wardrobe and both chairs, also painted brightly. –

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And then he began to undress, very slowly. Because he suddenly realized that he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , was disrobing for the final time...., that what was happening here was a sort of leave taking, a farewell to coat and vest and trousers... and so on. This shell of coat, vest and trousers had encased him for a lifetime... He looked on the articles of clothing, one after the other, while taking them off, he hung the coat over the vest, and then put both on hangers in the wardrobe, the way he was used to, since... Yes, since when? He stretched the trousers on a pants-hanger... gazed and gazed on them piece by piece and caressed them piece by piece. "What will become of you?" he asked, smiling. "What will become of me?" He rubbed his forehead. "Which one of us here will survive the other? You me? Me you? .... Coat, vest, trousers... shoes, underwear, socks, I almost forgot about you..."

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And so he sat there a long time, as if among companions who had to be bid farewell. "Maybe you see a traitor in me..." And now he took his hat off the table. "You too... I almost completely forgot about you... I wonder who else I have forgotten? ..."

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And he reached into the inner coat pocket, took a picture out, put it on the table, leaning it against the wall. "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ," he said, just about to caress the picture. And then there was a knock on the door, and already it was
[Page 105]
opened: Professor G.Dr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- entered, accompanied by his young assistant doctor. A few questions were directed at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , with the result that to his surprise the execution of the "first operation, which is completely harmless," as the doctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- explained casually, had to be postponed until the next morning. "You refer to such farewell parties as 'Gravöl' up North," the ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- laughed. "Your friend already told me the brand of Rhenish wine from earlier. My compliments. You seem to be well versed in these matters. But such "procedures" are better done on an empty stomach. So that the time until tomorrow will not be too boring for you, we will give you a sleeping aid in a few hours. And now, good courage." A handshake, -and he was alone again.

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"So it's always wait, wait, wait," he says to himself. "How much patience do you have to have, you...." And now he spoke to the picture that was sitting on the table next to his bed.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ..." He did not say anything else, leaned back into the white pillows, stared to the ceiling, was tired... tired..."

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He had arrived at the destination... worn out, and only now realized how tired he was. The haste of the days here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany only now became clear to him. Now he could admit to himself that he was at the end of his strength. Nobody could see him now. Not even GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . And the last remnant of his manly defiance that he had worn like a steel armor before his friends and doctors during this week full of anguish in the foreign metropolis, that he had dragged around the foreign metropolis laboriously, fell off of him.-

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .... Good thing you can't see me now..."

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No, no tears.... Persevere ... Persevere ...

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And only then he remembered that she had no idea of the impending surgery. She believed he would only be examined here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, put under observation. He had only received a few postcards from her. She wanted to come to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany in the coming days, to stay by his side... during the first operation... Should he send her a telegram still? Wasn't it wrong to keep what was about to happen to him tomorrow a secret? But no, why scare her? He himself had had no idea that his fate was about to be accomplished here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany already... Accomplished.... He had to smile. "I am ready..." And there he recalled the words of the redheadthe cripple (fictional) -- ... "May your soul survive
[Page 106]
me a long time..."

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He had paper and a pen lying on the table. He took a sheet and wrote:

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BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, March 4, Tuesday Night

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Dearest, sweetest GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ,

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I will be operated on tomorrow. The doctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- says this is just a small, harmless procedure. This is why I did not ask you to join me here. – But should it go differently, I want to tell you today that I have always thought of you, every hour, every minute, every moment. You my most beloved and most faithful companion! My last wish is that your future is happy,- that you will inherit my easy-going nature. If my soul lives on, it will be with you. A thousand kisses from Lilli. Yours, only yours, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- .

- - - - -

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When Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- entered an hour later, he handed her the letter and asked her to give it to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , if...

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"You big stupid boy, I have known all long from NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, everything has to go well. I even went to the café and brought your unusual guardian angelthe cripple (fictional) -- some flowers. He turned red like a turkey and said: "this must be my luckiest day..."

- - - -

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At ten o'clock the assistant doctor came in again. He handed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- the promised sleeping powder. Only then a nurse appeared, put things in the room in order, turned off the little lamp... And then everything was quiet.

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And that last night of Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was deep and dreamless.

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They let him sleep until the doctors appeared. Into the late morning hours. Soon after he had used the bathroom, Professor A.Professor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified stood next to his bed, waiting for him to sign a declaration, which said that he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , wanted to undergo this surgery out of his own volition and at his own peril, and that he freed Professor G.Dr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- from all liabilities, should something go wrong...

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"Delighted to do so," he exclaimed, signing the document immediately,
[Page 107]
which was addressed to some government agency and said in plain German: If I die, I forgo any right to cause any difficulties after... "But can't I add a few words of gratitude to the German doctors?" he asked, all of a sudden, "those who tried to save me?" This plea was refused with a smile, upon which the doctor retreated with the words: "The operation will take place in a few minutes, I will attend upon the wish of Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , good luck." -@Translator: SW

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As soon as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was alone again, he hurried to write down the following:

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Dear Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ,

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In this last moment before my operation I feel the urge to express my deeply felt gratitude towards you. Since the day I met you in ParisParis -- City in France I have been full of hope, and here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, where I did not know any of the doctors who examined and stood by me, I felt as if an invisible force had cleared all ways. I know that you are this force, and that all the good things that happened to me came from you. No matter how this turns out, please believe in the boundless gratitude that I feel towards you. Yours most dedicated

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Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- .

- - - - -

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- sank back into the pillows with a feeling of limitless relief. Now everything had been put into order. In a few minutes the waiting would be over...

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And in that moment, on the boundary to the unknown, he suddenly remembered a winter day in ParisParis -- City in France: tired and miserable he randomly stood in front of an ancient church,- Saint Germain de PrésSaint Germain des Pres -- Church in Latin Quartier, Paris.. He had never seen it before. He entered, to relax in the mild, incense fragrant, low light of the godly house, beneath the venerable arches, that had seen the hopes and sufferings of so many generations. A pillar carried an oddly beautiful gothic sculpture: a MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference. He had stopped there. And he, who long since had forgotten how to pray, sank on his knees between a couple of old women, devoutly folded his hands
[Page 108]
and begged the MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference:

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"You who are love and compassion, help me! Free me from my useless, sick life. Let me die – or let me witness a miracle!"

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And he felt as if the MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference was smiling down on him. A few days later he met Professor Kreutz.Kreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros --

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And now he is lying here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, waiting for the beginning of the miracle. Had the MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference really heard his prayer? - - When he had left ParisParis -- City in France, he found an old Spanish MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference miniature made of silver in his coat pocket. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had found it in a junk shop in SevilleSeville -- . Gaily she had shown him the piece of jewelry. "Hey you," she had said, "I think this tiny, sweet MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference wanted to come with us. Now she should be our talisman."- And since then, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had worn the MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference on a small necklace. And without him noticing, she had put the idol in his pocket... And he quietly kissed his MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference.

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A moment later, the assistant doctor steps in. "All right. Now you will get an injection. That will put you to sleep. And when you wake back up, everything will be done."

- - - -

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- woke again in intense pain it was almost noon. He opened his eyes with a scream. At first he thought, he had woken too soon, and was still on the operating table... Slowly he realized he was lying in his bed, where in the early morning the assistant doctor had sat next to him on the bedside, until everything had sunken into a fog. What happened since, he couldn't guess. He felt as if he had screamed for a long time, as if he had defended himself against something. Two nurses he only now took note of stood around the bed, and talked to him soothingly.

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After he had fully regained consciousness, he felt the pain getting worse and worse. But soon he had gained back control over himself, he clenched his teeth.

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He wanted to scream no more. And he stopped screaming.

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"Have I raised... a ruckus," he asked the nurses somewhat meekly.

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"Well... Yes, a little..." one of the nurses said, "and the strange thing was that your voice had completely changed, it
[Page 109]
was a high-pitched woman's voice, and you kept yelling ‘You must not leave me! You must not leave me. I am still so little. I can not be alone yet.'"

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Then Professor G.Dr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- entered, took AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' hand and squeezed it lightly. "It went really well. You are lucky that you are so fresh and healthy. By the way I need to compliment you. You have quite the magnificent soprano! Just ask one of the nurses. Simply astonishing! Just see to it that you don't lose that. That will bring you much joy in your future life."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- wanted to speak, but the doctor had already left. "Give another injection." That was all the doctor had told the nurse while leaving.

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"Give another injection." AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- repeated the words like a child, without truly understanding them. And a few minutes later, the dark, silent fog clashed in over him. –

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Toward evening he woke from a coughing spell. It felt as if his entire body was about to be torn to pieces. The cough was terrible. He tried to suppress it. To no avail. He would never have guessed that coughing could hurt so insanely much. During the final winters in ParisParis -- City in France he had coughed a lot, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had always been worried by that. "Don't worry," he replied then, "let me cough. Coughing is good." – And now he wanted to cry out from the infernal torment. The nurse was already standing next to his bed. She looked at him helplessly. She was not allowed to give him anything to drink.

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Finally the coughing fit was over. He lay there, exhausted. The nurse wiped the sweat from his brow. "You have certainly smoked a lot?" she asked. "Maybe even yesterday..."

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On the table next to the bed there was a pack of cigarettes.

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"Take them away. Throw them out the window, nurse. I can't see the stuff anymore. Never again will a cigarette or a cigar touch my lips." Like an oath he exclaims these words. Laughing the nurse took the pack. "Don't you forget your vow!"

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"I swear to you, and to myself." And he thought of the imports that Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- had taken from him yesterday. It was the very last cigar
[Page 110]
AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had smoked...

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A few more coughing spells during the night deepened his newfound animosity to anything tobacco related, so much so that the thought of tobacco smoke alone made him nauseous. – And this almost fanatical dislike of any enjoyment of tobacco he passed on to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative....

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was admitted to him for a few moments.

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"This is going really well with you," he began immediately.

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"Well yes," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- couldn't say anything else.

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative looked at the nurse, puzzled.

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She whispered to him: "You probably wonder about the bright soprano voice..."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative nodded. "Barely recognizable..."

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Then he sat down in the one chair beside the bed. "I bring greetings from IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , she'll bring you something very pretty in the morning. Furthermore …"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- interrupts him: "NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, you probably won't hold it against me if..."

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"What is it?"

ts-trc09p110

"Don't talk.... I'm in such pain..."

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The nurse gave him a hint. He quietly left the room. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- whimpered: "Nurse, give me an injection..."

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And that one would not be the only injection he got that night. It was an endless, arduous night. Only when morning approached did he find a dull, short sleep. And out of that sleep the nurse heard the same pleading call again and again: "Please, please give me another injection."

ts-trc09p113

When he had fully woken around noon, he felt exhausted as if after a walk through the desert. But the pain had become more remote, dim. At least as long as he did not move. "That is the only thing you may think of now," the nurse told him repeatedly, "lay still, don't move a muscle!" And it was so good to heed that warning. "Lay still, think of nothing, don't move a muscle." Like a child he kept repeating the words.

ts-trc09p114

But then and again a question stirred within him: "Who am I... What am I... What was... What will be...?

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Then Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- entered, - carrying flowers and a large bottle of Eau de Cologne. She extended both hands towards AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . Flowers! How their scent transformed the hospital room! He pressed his pale face into the colors of the flowers like someone dying of thirst.

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"Oh, pour cologne over me, Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- ! Shower the entire room!" he exclaimed beside himself with joy about her arrival and her gifts. He never knew what a gift from the heavens the scent of flowers was.

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And how good Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- was. Without a sound and smiling she glided across the small, unadorned room, - almost like a tiny mother, he thought, watching her, as she arranged to get a vase for the flowers from the nurse, put down a small napkin on the table, which she had secretly taken out of her purse, stopped in front of the window, and observed the sick friend. And then she sat down at his bedside, caressed the pale, twitching hands of the sick one, spoke quietly and confidently to him, and behold, he forgot pain and fears, - and her, who previously had always addressed him with the honorific "Sie," now spoke to him confidentially as Du -@Editor: PLC. He only realized that many days later. And she never called him by his name during those first days...

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"Now everything will turn out fine, you, everything, just be patient and faithful, you... life will be so beautiful. Believe your friend, you, believe it, I know it..."

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And then she sat silently next to the bed, caressed the tired, fevered brow ... and time passed ... and she glided away like a good dream ... And he had long since fallen back asleep.

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...And she returned every day to him with flowers and good words. Thus a day passed, thus two days passed, three days. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- slept most of the time, like a child that had not awoken yet to real, waking life. And there were no dreams came to him through the long, dim nights, through which compassionate sleeping aids helped him. And every morning anew Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- was with him, with fresh flowers and new floral scent. "You are my good angel now, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , my dear, compassionate sister ..."

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She had brought him a completely glorious spring bouquet, and he wanted to happily kiss her hands.

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"This time you don't have to thank me. These floral greetings are from a from a good, distant friend, you."

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"From Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost ...?"

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- just nodded.

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And she opened the white envelope, a small letter, attached to the bouquet, and read: "Every flower of this small bouquet is a greeting to Miss LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.!"

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The flowers long hid the eyes of the sick one. Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- too could not see that the eyes were crying many hot tears.

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"Will ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost ever find her again?"

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"Who then? You?"

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"His LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

Page 112
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That was what the patient asked as he gave IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- a card that had a few lines jotted down on it. Without wanting to, she had looked at the writing.

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"Did you write that?" she asked as if startled.

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"Yes, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- ."

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"But then she is already here, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost's LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ! ... Just look?"

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And he looked at the card and didn't recognize his own handwriting.

ts-trc09p135

It was a woman's handwriting ...

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And Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- hurried out, the assistant doctor stood in the hallway, she pointed to the card. "What do you think, doctor. This was not written by a man?"

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"No," the surprised doctor replied, "no, you are right. That is truly a miracle. One thing after another is pushing out."

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"One after another?" Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- asked this.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- -@Editor: PLC clearly heard her words...

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And the doctor replied: "Have you not noticed the completely changed voice? It has changed from a tenor to a clear soprano."

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"You," IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- said, reluctantly, when she was back in the hospital room, "you, you ..." And then she couldn't keep on speaking from sobbing.

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- -@Editor: PLC was alone again, he quietly talked away to himself ... wanted to listen to his voice, wanted to listen to it. "Is it really true what they say? Is it now really true ...?" And he listened and wanted to catch the sound of the voice in his ears, and it died, swept away. He had fallen asleep again.

ts-trc09p143

Suddenly his sleep was rend to pieces. Night was around him. A terrible screaming pierced the darkness of the narrow walls of the room. A screaming the likes of which he never had heard before. First he thought he himself had screamed. He did not want to scream. He bit his lips. But there it was again, the scream from the dark. No, it was not he who had screamed. The scream, like the scream of a young, tortured animal, rang and rang ... He could no longer take it. "Someone is being murdered! Help! Help!" he screamed now, looking for his bell button, he rang, he screamed, he wanted to drown out the darkness with his scream. "Help, help!" The door is flung open. The light underneath the ceiling flares up. The nurse stands breathlessly before him. "Good heavens, what is the matter with you?"

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"With me?" He looks out of flabbergasted eyes. Again the scream rings. Now he grasps that it is coming from next door, this terrible cry ...

ts-trc09p145

"I was so mortally afraid, nurse. Who else is plagued this terribly? Is someone dying? Go and help."

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The nurse closes the door to the hallway, pulls the felt curtain that had been pushed aside back in front of the door, and already the screaming seems to have moved into the far distance ... "No, nobody is dying. A young woman has born a child ... a small, sweet girl ... It was her first child. In a few days the young mother will be back on he feet. What do you think, how hard it is to give birth ..."

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"But, but ... yes ... yes ..." He didn't know how to answer.

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He felt a deep, odd shame, and then he began to cry. The nurse stood with him for a long time, she tried to calm him, finally gave him an injection, so that everything, restlessness, shame, this new, strange shame and many questions that were rising within him, disappeared into the fog.

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The nurse had heard him whisper out of this restless slumber several times; - she did not understand the whispering at first. But the words returned again and again. "But ... but ..." it whispered from his lips, "but ... but ... I have to give birth to myself ..." Much later the nurse repeated these words to the one who had spoken them. But then she long since knew that the one who had whispered those words out of the slumbering darkness had transformed into a different being.

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- returned the next morning.

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"You," she merrily called out upon entering, "you, do you know who is coming the next day?"

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ?"

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"Yes, here is her letter."

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He had to fetch the letter out of a big spring bouquet, and was still reading it as Professor G.Dr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- entered the room accompanied by the assistant doctor.

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"Good doctor," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- -@Editor: PLC called out, "please tell me, when can I get up?"

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"But why the rush, we are doing outstandingly well here in bed beneath flowers and mild hands," and the doctor kissed Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- 's hand gallantly.

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"But yes, ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- , it is urgent, my wife arrives in three days."

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"Your wife ...?" The ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- hesitated, looked at Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- and then at his assistant doctor. "Right .... right ... Well, wait and see, wait and see, - MadameGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- will certainly find you somewhat changed." Then he hastily left the room with his companion, it was evident that he was trying hard to suppress a smile.

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Did I act ridiculously, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- ?" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- -@Editor: PLC asked pensively. "The ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- looked at me with such funny eyes."

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"Stupid LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ..." that was all that IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- knew as a response.

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X

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Three days later, in the early morning, during the cleaning up of the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin, marveled at by the scrubbing and squeaky clean housemaids and nurses, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- arrived, all Parisienne, elegant, fur-clad, morning fresh.

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The nurse on duty immediately knew who she was.

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"Ah, Madame, is that right, Madame SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ?" she greeted the early visitor. "May I guide you. You are being passionately expected. Please excuse the mess in the corridors."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- quickly slipped off her right glove, shook the nurse's hand, - and had to suppress a small smile when she saw how her deep red painted nails and perhaps her even stronger colored lips and most of all possibly the fragrance she brought into this environment smelling of green soap drew all eyes to her.

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A few moments and she stood in the hospital room.

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She had entered without making a sound. The morning sun playfully blotted the white bed in which a pale human being rose very slowly as if waking from a dream. Two deep brown, large eyes gazed at her. A mouth twitched, but the lips remained silent.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- stood with widely spread arms in the middle of the room, and couldn't move. She fought back tears. She didn't want to cry. She wanted to smile. She wanted to say a happy word as a greeting. But these large, brown eyes kept her fixated. Many, eternal seconds ... Then a slim ray of sunlight caressed the sick one's face, trickled into the rejoicing glance of the large, brown eyes, ignited a small, silver light within them, it was the gleam of two teardrops ... And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- snapped out of her torpor ... and sank down in front of the sickbed, sobbing ...

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What these two human children felt, lived through and confessed to each other in this hour of reunion in silent sojourn, no word may capture.

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Late at night, alone with herself and the storm of confusing thoughts and feelings, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- wrote this letter to the distant, faithful friend in ParisParis -- City in France, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost:

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"ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, I can only hint at what I went through here today. I thought I would find AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is dead. Because I did not find him. I found a pale, sweet being. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and yet it was not LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. as we knew her from ParisParis -- City in France. It was a different one. It was a new being. New in voice and expression of the eye, new in the pressure of her hand, an inexpressibly changed person. Or was it a being that is on the way of finding itself whole? Apparently it has to be this way. So womanly and untouched by life. No, womanly is probably not the right word. I would rather say girly. Maybe childlike, tentative, with a thousand questions in her gaze. A "Nova Vita" ... Oh, I am searching for the right words, I am deeply shaken myself and spellbound as if by a miracle. And yet I know that the anguish of this creature with the outrageous pain of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is
[Page 115]
a soul slowly emerging from the shell as is its destiny. -@Editor: PLC ... what a fate, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost! Incredible shudders shake me, if I think about this. It is a mercy of the heavens that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. herself is too weak to look forward or backward. She is barely able to recognize her current state of being. I talked to the doctors. The first procedure, as they call this initial, outer sex change, that is clinically only the beginning, has succeeded better than all expectations. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ceased to exist, they said. His gonads, oh, this mystical word, have been removed. What has to happen now, will happen in D.Dresden -- City in Germany with Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . The doctors told me about hormones; I pretended to know what they meant. Now I have a dictionary and found out that those are ‘dissociations of inner organs important for life processes.' But I haven't become any wiser. Must one acquire wisdom and knowledge in order to understand a miracle? Does one even have to understand a miracle in the first place? I take the miracle like a pious person. What I have found here in the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin I want to call the unraveling of a beloved being, whose life and torment seemed to all of us who witnessed it throughout those many, hard years an unsolvable enigma ... Unraveling ... That is it. But the unraveling is not yet complete. I know it. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. suspects it. She must not be allowed to see her damaged body yet. It lies bound and tied, a secret to herself and to her doctors, that only KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- will be allowed to uncover it. Everyone here, the doctors, the nurses, our friends NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , all have candidly expressed to me their astonishment at the tremendous outward change of "our patient" – because they don't know yet whether to talk about this being as a man or as a woman. How does their astonishment compare to mine? They have seen the sick being every day now. But for me who has been separated from him for only two weeks, I would have barely recognized this beloved human child. And as I have had to endure this, so will you have to endure, you and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- , to whom you must show these lines. Because I can't write any more today. Just this, that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., this mild, sweet LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., oh, I have to say it, because it is the truth, lay in my arms like a little sister, cried many many tears and said to me, sobbing: "You are not cross with me for - - (and here she looked at me with baffled eyes) AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- stealing your most beautiful years?" – ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, I was so shaken I could not say a word, - and when I could have finally expressed what I was feeling, I didn't dare to. Not me, I thought, has AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- robbed, not me, but you, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., my sweet, pale LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., of your youthful girl years ... ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, you and I and all of us have to help this deceived LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., to make up for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' betrayal ..."

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Many months later LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. read this letter. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost gave it to her.

- - - - -

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The next morning, - GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had spent the night alone in a hotel, - the head nurse suggested putting another bed into the
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hospital room, so that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- could stay close to the patient until the departure for DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, which would take place within a few days.

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"Splendid," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- whispered, delighted, took the nurse by the hand, pulled her along into the next room which was empty now, quickly fetched a small suitcase she had left in the hallway, opened it mysteriously and whispered almost inaudibly, "dearest nurse, we must not talk about the patient any more." The nurse did not understand what GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- meant by this and just looked at her, questioning.

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"Here," with a quick grip GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- took a delightful silken negligee out of the suitcase, "isn't this lovely?"

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"How well that will look on you, ma'am!"

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"On me? ... No, dear sister, that is a present from our Parisian friendElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- to our - - girl patient there!" And she dabbed her brightly red painted, almond shaped fingernails imploringly on the nurse's shocked mouth. "But please, don't say anything – not before tomorrow morning!"

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And when it was morning again, a young lady sat there in the most fragrant Parisian negligee, still quite pale and frail, but still boundlessly happy, on the white hospital bed. And the assistant doctor barely believed his eyes due to this transformation. "Magnificent! My compliments, gracious lady! And if you promise to be very well behaved and careful, you may get up for two hours today and show yourself to your astonished environment! But please, just here in this room! We can't risk any more than that!"

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One nurse after the other rushed inside. Endless astonishment with all of them. "Miss LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.," the head nurse said and enfolded the pale, quaking creature motherly in her arms.

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In this and in no other way in the Berlin clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin they accepted the miracle that had happened to this still quite tired human being, without curiosity, without long questions, and when Professor G.Dr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- came around that night for his rounds, he kissed his patient's quivering hand with gallant naturalness. "Bonsoir, Mademoiselle," he said, "my congratulations. You are on the right road."

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Only then did he noticed GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . "Ah, Madame, welcome."

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For a moment the ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- stood there, facing each other in silence not without restrained shock.

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Then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. broke the silence. "Yes, Professor, this is Madame GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , who ..."

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The ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- found a kind smile. "...I know, who was married to Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- who has left us in such a miraculous way. After all, men are unfaithful creatures, isn't that right, Madame?" And with that the relieving words had been found, a truly German, objective manner, as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- would tell her friends later.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. took all of this in, maybe a little detached, during her first days in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. There was no excitement to register here, more a kind of relaxation. She accepted being addressed as "young lady" or "Miss LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative." from the mouths of the nurses. She also avoided replying to any puzzled look by another with a word or even a gesture. This was especially noticed by Miss IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- and friend NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative.

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"We have to leave her in peace," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- said to them, secretly. She is recovering. It is all just a kind of transition. The big, liberating upswing is still only preparing within her."

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And in those days, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- began to keep a diary. Every night she recorded therein her observations, her experiences that crowded upon her in the presence of the new LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. Simple, quiet, groping sentences, searching for the way of the friend, that hard, wonderful way upon which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had barely tried her first steps...

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Here is a page of this newly begun diary:

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is accepting the daily side effects of such a hard operation with incredible patience. Sure, she cries and laments when her pained body receives new wrappings every morning and evening, when clamps are loosened and stitches have to be cut, when still fresh scars are dabbed. "Apparently it has to be this way," she says with a patience I never witnessed in her before. She has only one wish, to go to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany soon, to her ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . That's the only way she talks of him, or she calls him a miracle worker. She does
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not say a single word about the past. It often seems to me, as if she has not had a past yet. As if she didn't quite believe in a present yet. As if she was expecting the beginning of her life from KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , her miracle worker."

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Here another entry:

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"I went to run some errands with IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- today, without LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. knowing of it. We have to prepare for the journey to D.Dresden -- City in Germany In the afternoon we returned to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. We brought a big, colorful box along. "Guess what we brought you," I said, very happily. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked at us calmly and without a smile. "I don't know." That was her only response. Then IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV --