Translation of Fra Mand til Kvinde: Lili Elbes Bekendelser (Danish Edition)

[Title Page Facsimile Image] [Copyright Facsimile Image]

                  EINAR WEGENER (ANDREAS SPARRE)
EINAR WEGENER (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- )Einar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili --



                  LILI ELBE
LILI ELBELili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.


Fragment of a letter, written by Einar
                        Wegener on 29 January 1930. The handwriting, as you will see, is firm and clear, a distinct man's writing.
Fragment of a letter, written by Einar WegenerEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- on 29 January 1930. The handwriting, as you will see, is firm and clear, a distinct man's writing.


Fragment of a letter, written by Lili
                        Elbe on 14 June 1931. The handwriting has changed and is now a flowing, rather feeble woman’s writing.
Fragment of a letter, written by Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. on 14 June 1931. The handwriting has changed and is now a flowing, rather feeble woman’s writing.

[Foreword Facsimile Image]
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In accordance with Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s last will I have collected the papers she left behind in this book.

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It is a truthful, human document about a harrowing human tragedy that is beyond the scope of all customary ideas.

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The doctorKurt Warnekros (historical) Linked to: #kreutz -- whose daring operations made it possible for the critically ill and desperate Einar WegenerAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to carry on his life in complete harmony with his true nature has read through the book in my German version -@Translator: MO.

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As requested by Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. fictitious names have been used for the persons she mentions.

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Only her own name, which she chose in gratitude to the city where she changed from man into womanDresden -- City in Germany -@Translator: MO and where she died, she has wished to leave unchanged.

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CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark , November 1931.

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Niels HoyerNiels Hoyer (historical) Linked to: #harthernE -- Niels Hoyer was the pseudonym for Ernst Harthern

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I.

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ParisParis -- City in France. Quartier LatinQuartier Saint Germain -- . An evening in February 1930. In a quiet street with grand mansions – a small restaurant.

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The host, FrançoisMonsieur François (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1, is a Sicilian and serves the glowing wines of his home country. A small circle of foreigners most of whom are artists are his regular customers.

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Among them are AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , a Danish painter couple, and their Italian friend Ernesto RossiniErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- with his elegant French wife Mrs. ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- .

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They celebrate a reunion tonight. For a whole year they have not seen each other, they have been travelling, one couple in Northern EuropeEurope -- , the other in the South. All four are pleased to meet again in ParisParis -- City in France.

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"Skaal," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- says according to the Nordic custom and raises his glass, "this wine, children, is to the soul what mountain sun is to the body ...... Do you know the beautiful legend of the Cathedral in SevilleCathedral in Seville -- Likely the Catedral de Santa María de la Sede -@Editor: PLC GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I have been there together ...... It's said that a ray of sun is built into in the base of the highest of the pillars."

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"Magnificent," ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- shouts enthusiastically.

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"Heavenly," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- declares and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- smiles quietly to herself.

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But the festive mood does not last long. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is pale and nervous, and he speaks loudly and forced.

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"Aren't you drinking too much?" ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- asks him in a low voice ...... "What's the matter with you? It's no use that you pretend that you're well. You can't fool me ...... You're not well at all."

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- have caught ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's words and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- takes his friend's hand.

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"Is it LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who still torments you?" he asks full of concern and looks from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

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"Your guess is right ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- ," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- answers very grave, "this condition is becoming unendurable. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. no longer tolerates sharing her life with me, she wants to live her own life ...
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I don't know if you understand me? I'm no good anymore, I'm finished ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has discovered that long ago ...... and that's why she rebels more strongly every day ...... and what am I to do? ...... why must I live? For others, people say ...... but only fools think that they're indispensable and irreplaceable ...... But let's not talk about it ...... let's rather drink a bottle of the fiery Asti that ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- is so fond of."

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"Yes, that's a good idea," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- declares and looks after AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- who gets up wearily and walks to the counter where FrançoisMonsieur François (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1 lords over his bottles and watches over his guests with his gentle mandolin eyes.

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"Please hurry up and tell me how he is," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- says as she leans towards her friend.

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"Terrible," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- answers, "I've given up any hope of salvation for him ...... That would require a miracle."

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"Strange that you should use just that word," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- quickly interrupts her ...... "You know, it is strange that we should meet just tonight after such a long time? ...... ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- and I should have been somewhere else, but I had a feeling that we had to be together ...... I told you so, ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- , didn't I?"

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- nods in assent.

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"Listen to me ...... sit closer to me," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- continues in a whisper ...... "one of our very good friendsKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- is here in ParisParis -- City in France just now, he's a German, from DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, and he's a women's doctor ...... I had no idea that he was here, but just after I'd been on the telephone with you he called me and at that very moment it occurred to me that if anyone can help AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- it's him ...... But it's urgent for the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- will return to GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe already tomorrow afternoon. We have to arrange a meeting between him and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- tonight.

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With a tired gesture GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- dismisses the optimism shining out of her friend's eyes:

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"Dearest ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , it's no use ...... AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- won't see any more doctors, he has had enough of them ...... Just think how many he has seen already!"

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"Just let ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- do what she thinks is right," ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- interrupts serious and earnest.

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"Yes GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , don't contradict me," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- eagerly says, "whether he will or not ...... he must obey us ...... This very evening I'll call the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- and tell him about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . I feel, no, I know that he can help him, do you hear, my dearest!"

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- slowly lights herself a cigarette. She always does it in a very complicated way, almost as if it were a religious ceremony. She is not aware of it herself. Her big grey eyes which quite dominate her delicate, fair face have taken on their peculiar introverted gaze. She blows the blue smoke up into the air and stares into it. Then she takes a new puff on the cigarette, blows out the smoke once more, and stares again. Then she slowly and decidedly says:

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"That's fine, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , go ahead and speak to the German professorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . I've heard about so many mysterious things in this world and it's possible that there may be something in it. I think I have been infected by you, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ...... Ordinarily I'm not superstitious ...... but I promise you that I'll persuade AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ...... He'll be at your place tomorrow morning."

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Apparently AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had finished his negotiations with the host and they hastened to talk of something trivial. He came over to them with two bottles which he carried like a prey in front of him.

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"Here, friends, taste a wine that will remind you of the Cathedral in SevilleCathedral in Seville -- Likely the Catedral de Santa María de la Sede – it is rays of sun on bottle!"

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"Si, si, Signor," Maestro FrançoisMonsieur François (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1 seconds from his counter.

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When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- some hours later, after they had placed ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- in a car, walked slowly down the avenue where they had their studio apartment, she cautiously but earnestly began to tell AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- about the appointment with ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- .

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He became quite beside himself. In the middle of the street he stopped and stamped both his feet in a puddle like an ill-mannered boy without considering that it spattered up on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's silk stockings. He called all the stars of the night sky to witness that he wanted to see the German professorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- hanged! And ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- too for that matter! ...... He did not intend to make a fool of himself by letting himself be examined by a new quack, whether he was from FranceFrance -- Country in Europe, from GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe or from HindustanHindustan -- Not mentioned in G1! ...... He had had enough of these bloodsuckers, of these charlatans ......

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- let him rage ...... she knew his fits from experience.

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... But when, after a moment's pause to breathe he wanted to start again, she grabbed him by the arm:

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"Now, that's enough! ...... Are you a man? You are behaving like a hysterical teen-age girl. You should be ashamed of yourself, you understand!"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- who was shaking with agitation looked down at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- with his dark eyes and forced himself to joke:

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"All right, I won't say any more, but I promise you that ten wild dray horses would not drag me out of my lovely, wide Louis-Philippe bed to see a professor who is a total stranger to me. ...... I will no longer let myself be made a fool of!"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has long since fallen asleep.

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But GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- is still awake, she sits with her legs curled up under her in the big bed staring intently at the sleeper ..... She knows how serious things are with him, but now in the oppressive stillness of the night she becomes afraid. She thinks and thinks ...... Is it right for herself and her friend to persuade the poor shaken person who is now sleeping as quietly and safely as a child? Her conscience will not leave her in peace. ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- said that the German doctorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- was a famous expert in his field ...... But if he cannot do anything anyway then it will be the death sentence over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ...... then she knows what will happen ...... And yet ...... perhaps it is the miracle, the miracle that her life companion, her friend through the good and the bad days, has more and more ardently hoped for.

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She thought of what a Russian lady, one of the many Russian refugees in ParisParis -- City in France, a seer , had recently foretold them. It was just after one of the last desperate visits to a Parisian specialist and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was completely devastated. "Your husband must go to yet another doctor, one he does not know, then everything that he wants will come true," she had said and looked at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- with her dark, prophetic eyes.

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Should this prediction be right? And could her own instinct fail her here where so much was at stake? She had a feeling that all her courage, now that it was about her
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sick friend, had left her. ...... She was afraid to make a mistake, afraid to take the great responsibility upon herself ...... afraid ...... afraid ...

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had already been ill for many years and they had sought countless doctors and specialists but without result. Now he was tired and life had become an agony for him.

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No one had understood what was the matter with him. A specialist in VersaillesVersailles -- had accused him offhand of being hysterical and advised him to pull himself together and behave like the normal man he otherwise was. A closer examination he considered to be completely superfluous, there was nothing wrong with the patient, he just suffered from the fixed idea that he would be perfectly healthy if ...... And that's enough! ..... A younger doctor, also in VersaillesVersailles -- , had admitted, however, that not everything was as it should be and had then comforted him with the following words: "Never you mind what happens to your body ...... otherwise you are entirely healthy and have enough strength to ride it out." Only a Viennese doctor, a friend of SteinachSteinach (historical) -- -@Editor: PLC, had been on the right track in his diagnosis. "Only a bold surgeon who is not afraid of anything can help you," he had said, "but where is he to be found?" ...... A radiologist had subjected him to a very energetic X-ray treatment that had almost killed him. Then AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had plucked up his courage and contacted three different surgeons in succession, but they had all three refused to have anything to do with him. The first one had declared that he did not concern himself with cosmetic surgery, the second just examined his appendix to see if anything was wrong, and the third thought that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was completely mad. Most people would probably agree with him on this because AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- claimed that in fact he was not a man at all – but a woman.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had realised that only a doctor with imagination, a doctor who was not only a scientist, but at the same time also an artist, would perhaps be able to help him. But he had long since given up the hope of finding such a doctor ...... And he had become tired, tired unto death ...... He had decided to end his life himself and he had set the date. It was to be the first of May ...... when you are ill and tired, you do not have
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the courage and strength to meet spring ...... Now it was February – already February ...... March and April were the last respite, but he was calm and prepared, he had made up his mind, he was resigned.

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The only thing that pained him was the thought of his lovely little wife, the faithful friend of his life.

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Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was a very talented artist. Her pictures of beautiful, languishing women with dreamy eyes and burning red lips that called for kisses and caresses interested him much more than his own paintings. Her art seemed exciting and stimulating like a smell from ParisParis -- City in France' jungle ...... it was an expression of the time and still full of passionate submission ...... pure in its line as a legacy from BotticelliSandro Botticelli (historical) -- -@Editor: PLC and the other primitive Italians, but often with a tone of painful longing, reminiscent of WatteauJean-Antoine Watteau (historical) -- Not mentioned in G1; French painter -@Editor: PLC ...... It was as if suddenly, in the middle of a Parisian salon, you heard the distant echo from PanPan (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1's flute.

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Perhaps just because their marriage had been a companionship right from the beginning they found life easy and comfortable to live only when they were together. They were inseparable. They had met each other at the academy of arts in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark and they were barely grown up when they had married. Bravely they had taken up life together. A few days after -@Editor: PLC the wedding AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had sold his first picture at his first exhibition for fifty kroner.

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As artists they had helped each other, always and under all circumstances ...... Shoulder to shoulder they had fought for their art and one of them would not dream of abandoning the other ...... Most of the time they had lived abroad, especially in ParisParis -- City in France, and this life out among strangers may have connected them even more closely ...... at least they had been spared living in the atmosphere of superficiality, irresponsibility, and divorces that is spreading over CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark.

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But for this very reason there were often moments when AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt like a traitor to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- when he still more willingly listened to the tempting music of death ...... But now he had realised that he was no longer able to work ...... and this realisation comforted him. He thought he had the right to give in to his longing towards death before it had come so far that he weighed on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... the thought of this had for months taken all
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joy from him ...... no, he was not cowardly ...... nor did he feel as a martyr ...... but to become a burden to his little friend, no, this he would not!

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- guessed his thoughts and although she did everything to reassure him and give him new hope, she felt that it was in vain ...... She knew him inside out ...... there was so much that tied them together, so many fights, so many memories, both bright and dark ...... and perhaps most of all LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.? ...... Yes ...... For AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- consisted of two beings: of a man, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , and of a woman, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... you could also describe them as a couple of twins who both at the same time had taken possession of the same body. In character they were very different, but gradually LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. prevailed over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- so that you could always trace her in him, even when she had withdrawn into the background – but never the other way around. While he felt tired and went around with his thoughts of death, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was perky and cheerful and longed to come out of her shell, like a larva that dreams of once having wings and becoming a colourful butterfly.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had become GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's favourite model. Her slim elf figure walked through all of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's best works ...... She had already become a type, a modern type of woman, created by the imagination of an artist ...... as everything new on this earth.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- felt like the protector of this carefree and helpless LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt the same ...... While LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. hated him because he was in her way, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- loved her more than himself. It was his hope that he would die so that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could wake up to a new life before life had had time to disfigure their shared body.

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When the fatigue after the sleepless, painful nights overwhelmed him he had only the one thought left: to fall asleep for ever!

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II.

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When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- woke up some hours later after a broken sleep her fear had disappeared and her decision remained firm. In her dreams she had seen a tall figure of a man in a white doctor's coat and with a strange, rather stern face – whom she did not know – softened by a smile expressing infinite goodness. The man held out both his hands towards her and she grasped them with deep gratitude.

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She woke AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , spoke to him kindly and explained to him that he, if for no other reason than out of politeness, had to go to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . There he could always think of some excuse if he still disliked the idea of going along to the German professorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- so much ...... She said it quite calmly and in a tone as if she did not attach much importance to it in order that he should not raise objections.

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An hour later AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was on his way to PassyPassy -- where ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- lived. He found them still in their huge four-poster and he sat on the edge of the bed next to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . A tempting tea table was wheeled in and with a smile refreshed from the night's sleep ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- displayed all her charm. Before AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- knew it he had given in.

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"As far as I am concerned you do not have to go there, darling," she chatted away apparently indifferent, "but now that you are here, I suppose you will give me the pleasure of escorting me to the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ...... He's awfully anxious to see me ...... Isn't it so, ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- ?"

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- nodded.

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"He's a big celebrity you must know, KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , is his name and he expects me punctually at twelve o'clock ...... You have to be present, please, because ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- does not dare to leave me alone with him – he's much too enchanting ...... Isn't that true, ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- mio?"

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- nodded again and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- bent over his friend's
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hand and kissed it citing his motto : Ce que femme veut, Dieu le veut! -@Editor: PLC ......

* * *

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On the stroke of twelve ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's vehicle stopped outside a noble palace from the eighteenth century. She rang the bell and while they waited, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- took her hand:

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"ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , there's something I want to ask you. He's famous, isn't he? ...... But what if he ...... I don't really know how to express this ......"

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- looked gravely at her friend who was quite pale with emotion:

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"What is it? ...... Just say it, what are you afraid of?"

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His eyes glistened with moisture, and he finished he sentence:

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"I'm afraid that he will regard me as a sad renegade because ...... I would rather be a woman than a man."

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"No AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , you needn't be afraid of that, I assure you."

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And ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- put her soft woman's hands around his head, raised herself on the tips of her chapin shoes and quickly gave him a heart-felt kiss on the mouth. Steps were heard inside, and she hastily withdrew. A servant opened the door and before they had been announced, a tall slim gentleman came towards them. He was in a dark close-fitting suit that gave his tight elegance an almost military quality. His hair was brushed back and lay like a dark, shiny mass, while the small short-trimmed moustache had a light blond tone.

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- later tried to recall the features of the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's face from his memory, he always only remembered the eyes, a pair of grey-blue deep-set eyes that were both light and dark at the same time and whose look had a strange captivating power.

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It was Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- .

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt his heart beating and while the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- with a somewhat ceremonial cordiality led them into a large salon and exchanged a few words with ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , he realised for the first time that German is a beautiful and musical language ...... Really a strange voice this German voice, he thought to himself, it sounds
[Page 16]
so curiously muffled and yet as if accustomed to command – and to meet with unconditional obedience.

.................

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As in a dream he heard ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- tell the tale of his own sufferings to the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ...... He could not think and he sensed nothing but this voice. It was as if he had come completely in its power, it was both light and dark, just like the eyes ...... this look and the voice penetrated deep into his soul.

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What would this voice say to him and what message did the eyes have for him? ...... A death sentence ...... Did he expect anything else? ...... Did he expect anything at all? ...... Had he even come here with a specific goal? No, he wouldn't ask, just wait – and listen.

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Suddenly he was brought back to reality, the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- was standing in front of him, but he barely looked at him and only said a few words. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- followed him into the next room, apparently the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's study, where he asked his patient to undress. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- obeyed like a sleepwalker, he no longer had any will ...... he wanted to say something and searched for the German words.

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"I need no explanations," the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- interrupted him, "you feel the pain here, don't you ...... and there ...... and there, too ...... isn't that right?"

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He let his hand slide over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' body, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was content to smile, shy and timid ...... he felt an almost frightened surprise. How could this stranger know where he felt his pain? And his surprise rose to amazement when the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- took a pile of photographs of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. that ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- had brought him and placed them before him on the table in the order in which they were taken.

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"There we have the development," he said quite naturally ...... "I hear that a radiologist has given you an X-ray treatment ...... and that without having made any chemical or microscopic examination. ...... It is impossible to say whether he has damaged your sexual glands, that is the possibly present female glands ...... it will only become apparent through a closer examination."

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"Female!" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- uttered the word as a scream – "so ...... I have ......?"

Page 17
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He did not get any further ...... he could hardly breathe from excitement ...... everything revolved around him in a whirl.

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"Yes, most likely," the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- continued dryly and matter of factly, "the fact is that I assume that you have female as well as male organs, but that none of them have had the opportunity to develop fully ...... it is fortunate for you that you feel like a woman to such a pronounced degree ...... therefore I believe that I can help you."

d1-trc02p028

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- clutched at his heart. He had leaned forward to be as close as possible to the words the stranger said to him, and he stared fixedly into his eyes to find further confirmation of the words.

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"And what should I do?" he stammered.

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The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- got up and walked a few times up and down the floor:

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"You must come to me in GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe, and I hope that I can give you a new life and a new youth."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- straightened up and struggled to get the words out:

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"That means that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ..... she will be allowed to live?"

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"Yes," Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- answered, "I will do the operation myself, and I will give you a pair of fresh female sexual glands, and in a short time you will have a new vitality that can bring you out of the standstill that occurred in your development at the age of puberty. But first you have to subject yourself to various examinations in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. Then you can come to me in DresdenDresden -- City in Germany."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- still sat quite entranced as ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , whom the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had fetched, came up to him and maternally patted him on the cheek.

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"That will be quite something for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to go into the famous FrauenklinikWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden ," she jokingly said to hide her emotion.

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The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- looked at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- with a youthful and slightly embarrassed smile:

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"May I be permitted to make an indiscreet question? ......You are married, aren't you? ...... Yes, I only care to know, what is of importance to me as a doctor ......"

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"I think I had better go," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- discretely added, but AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- seized her hand.

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"No, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , don't go ...... I have no secrets from you ......"

Page 18
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The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- came to the aid of both of them:

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"I can put my question in another way. What is the position as regards for instance ...... yes, I have heard the name LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. several times ...... that is with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and the other sex ...... I mean, are men interested in her? -@Editor: PLC"

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"Yes, I should think so ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ," ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- answered him laughing, "it is simply incredible what attraction this little naughty person has for our male friends ...... I have been at several carnivals where LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was playing her game and where she at last was like a hunted animal. Isn't it true, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ?"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- silently stared in front of him, he could neither speak nor smile.

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The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had become objective again:

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"What you are telling me, madam, quite corresponds to the picture I have formed myself ...... and I think that she – we may as well at once for the sake of convenience say she – will become even more attractive after the operation ...... By the way, I must draw attention to the fact that this operation, which will be the first of its kind, will give rise to numerous difficulties, not least with respect to legal matters ...... but I promise you that I'll not abandon LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. when she will take her first steps in life."

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- saw that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was about to faint and she rushed over to him and threw her arms around him. Sobbing he put his head on her shoulder.

d1-trc02p048

"Oh, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ," he stammered through tears, "dear sweet friend ...... now life comes back to me, the life that I no longer wanted anything to do with. It is you, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , who has saved me ...... without you I would not be here."

d1-trc02p049

Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- stood by the window and looked down at the street. His pure, regular profile showed in a sharp angle against the halftones between the sunlight and the shadows from the room. It was an image that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- never, as long as he was AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , forgot.

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Then the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- turned from the window towards him and reached out both his hands to him ...... Without a word AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- grabbed these strong, steady hands firmly enclosing his. The two men -@Translator: MO who only a few minutes ago had become acquainted looked at each other. Then the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- quietly said:

d1-trc02p051

"I understand you, you must have gone through a lot!"

Page 19

III.

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Meanwhile GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog waited in the studio. HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog was the third member of the little household, a white and pink female dog who was a native of ParisParis -- City in France and most of all looked like a liver pâté with truffles; just like the genuine Strassburger pâté this too was surrounded by a dear layer of fat. However, she became as slender as a doe in GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's paintings and resembled the ethereal imaginary creatures one finds on old Gothic wallpapers and valuable tapestries.

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HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog had long since completed the Sparre family's education. Both GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- knew all her habits and had learned to respect them. In return she took part in the family's joys and sorrows – and meals in particular. She must have been musical because she always stretched contentedly when she heard music – only WagnerWagner (historical) -- German composer -@Editor: PLC was something of a strain on her nerves. When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- put the Parsifal record on the gramophone she began to play noisily with a bone in the vain hope of drowning out the music ...... HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog had delicate nails the colour of mother of pearl – in connection with HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog one could not use the term claws – that she used to sharpen on the silk covers of the Rococo furniture, which for that reason often looked a little worn. Most of her time she spent on the divan where despite her smallness she had gradually created a little hollow – like a nest.

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- finally appeared HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog rushed toward him and jumped delightedly and barked at him. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was deadly pale, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- guided him to the divan and sat next to him. She did not ask but forced herself – and HvappeHvappe (fictional and historical) -- Not mentioned in A1; name of Sparres' dog in narrative and name of Einar's and Gerda's dog – to wait and see.

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- finally started to speak she listened to him with her eyes closed. What was dream and what was reality? Excited she listened to the words with which he tried to describe his meeting with the German doctor ...... - Was it possible that this was the release, the sal-
[Page 20]
vation for her friend? GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- asked in her heart. Where did things lead for him, for her, for both of them? A thousand questions and concerns stormed at her while AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- recounted, filled by his great adventure.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had an alert and clear mind that always knew how to grasp the essence of things, and as she now slowly opened her eyes and looked down at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- she realised that it was fate that had intervened and that she would face a parting from a friend who was dear to her ...... he would disappear and who knew what would happen then? Would a new creature come into being ...... a new person?

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- saw her emotion, he sat up, took her hand, and gently stroked it:

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , sweet little GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , you mustn't be sad ...... come ......"

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He led her to an easel in the middle of the studio in front of the wide north window. On the easel stood a large painting with three female figures that were like sisters. In front of one lay a fine, slim dog, and the woman had GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's features. The other woman had ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's face and between the two – as though protected by the two sisters – was a third woman who resembled AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ...... that is, no, it was not him ......

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For a long time they stood in front of the picture, then AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- pointed at the woman in the middle and, moved, sincerely said:

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"Thank you, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , thank you, for having believed in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to the very end ...... You know that I could never doubt myself ...... You know how I have lived my life, how I listened to the wind, the trees, and the clouds, how I walked about in nature and painted as well as I could, right until ...... yes, why shouldn't I say it now? ...... right until I could not paint anymore ...... You know that I was always honest with what I heard ......I knew how it grew and flourished out there ...... every blade of grass, every bush told me about its soul ...... every house and every street, where I took out my sketch book, showed me its heart ...... how could I disappoint myself when I listened to my own heart and heard that inside me something began to grow, something different ...... something new? ......"

d1-trc03p011

GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- smiled distantly but her smile did not apply to the picture, it
[Page 21]
concerned the face she had seen in dreams at night, the white figure ......

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"I'm so happy," she whispered.

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"I'm so happy," he whispered.

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Then they were both silent.

* * *

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In the evening AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- broke down. He had thrown himself on the divan and cried for a whole hour with his face hidden in the cushions. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- tried in vain to bring him to his senses, his strength failed him.

d1-trc03p016

Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's last words: "You have gone through a lot," were still in his ear, and only now he understood how true it was, now, when he could be quite honest with himself ...... Not even in the following days was he able to pull himself together, though GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- did everything to help him:

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"You must be happy, you hear, now everything will be well!"

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Now and then he took new courage, however ...... "The stranger promised me a new youth ...... no, no, not me ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. will live, he said ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... that is the new youth he will give to me!"

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Days when he sank into the deepest despair alternated with days when he was in high spirits and full of hope. The waiting time seemed endless to him. Time crept forward, and sleepless nights separated the days that were like bleak deserts ...... One such night when AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was dozing he had the following dream:

d1-trc03p020

-@Editor: PLCHe sat in the train to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany ...... it darted through northern FranceFrance -- Country in Europe ...... The speed was so high that the swaying of the train had almost ceased – it was as if it was sucked into the distance without resistance. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was sitting by the window staring out over the woods and fields, when he suddenly caught sight of a supernatural great coal-black rider in the fog racing in competition with the rushing train - He rode so fast that his cloak was parallel to the wind, taut as a sail ...... The train no longer stopped at the stations, it just raged on .....but each time it rushed past a station AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- still caught a glimpse of the sinister black rider in the whirring light from the lamps of the platform ...... the darkness gradually changed character, as if the train was rushing through areas that had never known
[Page 22]
the light of the sun ......And suddenly all the passengers pushed through the aisles towards the locomotive to help the stoker; they shovelled coal into the glowing machine to increase the speed, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- understood that the rider beside the train was Death ...... Every now and then, the rider stretched out his hand, grabbed one of the passengers, and cracked him with a gruesome laughter between his nails ...... During its frantic speed the train lost one carriage after another – eventually only the tender was left behind the locomotive ...... They had reached the end of the world, and the train crashed into endless depths ...... But AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has jumped out and finds himself on a narrow road, sharp as the edge of a knife and bathed in light. And suddenly LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. stands by his side. He takes her hand and they run along the knife-edge road pursued by Death, now no longer on horseback ...... But LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s strength fades and Death comes ever closer ...... Then AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- cries: "Run, little sister, run ...... I'll fight against death for you" ...... The struggle does not last long, Death is the strongest, it grabs AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , lifts him up, sucking the life out of him, and hurls him into the abyss where his body whirls around and around like a dry leaf ...... But LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. runs and runs until she reaches the end of the narrow road. Then she jumps out – and falls into the arms of a figure dressed in white. Death stretches his hands out to her, but the white figure grows and becomes big and mighty, spreads its white wings and fills the whole room ...... Foot by foot it forces back Death ...... And now LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is on an island with shining silver birches ......trembling she has fallen to her knees, and a small, pale red, gothic angel supports her while she hears the roar from the mighty wings as Death is overcome by the struggling Genius and disappears into the deep ......"

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- – and not only AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- – never forgot this dream that he did not tell anyone.

– – – –

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One evening AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- said to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- :

d1-trc03p023

"I come to think of my old headmaster who told us about the negro slaves at St. CroixSt. Croix -- , that they rebelled just the day before their release from slavery ... Now I understand ...... I can no longer bear to wait ......"

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The day after he went to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- who received him in her dressing room.

Page 23
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"Tell me," he said, "is it really true that I have met Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , and that he promised to help me?"

d1-trc03p026

ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , who was going out, quite calmly and unceremoniously began to change. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- blushed and was embarrassed but ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- smiled at him mischievously:

d1-trc03p027

"This is the best answer I can give you ...... it shows that I no longer regard you as a male but as a female friend, and that our visit to the German professorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- has not been a dream."

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A few days later a telegram from GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe arrived in the morning. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was to be in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany the following Saturday at the latest and take rooms at a hotel specified in the telegram.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- accompanied AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to the train. Since the arrival of the telegram he had hardly spoken ...... Nor did he show his overwhelming emotion at the station. Only a couple of playful remarks passed his lips ...... he just felt an intense longing to get away and be alone ...... escape from the past and the present ...... and not think before the goal was reached ...... what goal? ...... He dared not ask ...... All this whirled round in his brain ...... but no one should notice, no one ...... And when the train started to move, he happily waved goodbye to his two dear friends ...... But his face was rigid like a mask.

Page 24

IV.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had a window seat. By habit he had lit a Caporal and mechanically he smoked one cigarette after another and followed the blue-green spirals of smoke. He was a prey to the brain fatigue that often follows forced preparations for a journey at the moment when the train sets in motion and you are suddenly alone and doomed to inactivity ...... for many hours ahead ...... a whole eternity.

d1-trc04p002

The first feeling that resurfaced in his mind was fear ...... All at once he had become aware that he had exposed himself ...... but a few moments later the fear transformed into melancholy ...... it was as if something thawed and melted inside him, something that had paralysed his mind and in the last days in ParisParis -- City in France had made him quite another being. It was at the moment when ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- brought the telegram from BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany that he had felt himself stiffen as if an iron curtain had descended on his torn soul.

d1-trc04p003

And suddenly he saw the two dear faces before him ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ...... his little companion for many, many years ...... through defeats and victories, and like the other, his friend ...... he could not keep them apart, the two faces slid together, they meant the same: Home ...... his home ...... in ParisParis -- City in France ...... And now he had left his home ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ...... ParisParis -- City in France!

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He had not even leaned out the window to see the Eiffel TowerEiffel Tower -- In Paris, France once more ...... Sacré-CoeurSacré-Coeur -- , the highly situated church resembling a mirage with its white domes ...... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... Everything that he cared about had been wiped out, disappeared behind the hazy horizon ...... gone ...... forever.

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Forever? ...... Yes, forever – because he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , would never return to ParisParis -- City in France, that he knew. But perhaps another being? ...... He was not able to
[Page 25]
finish the thought ...... a wild grief trembled through him, and he forced himself to think only of ParisParis -- City in France, its blue-grey, always smiling sky, and of the spirited, ironic and yet indulgent expression with which it meets everybody as a good and understanding sister ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ...... ParisParis -- City in France ...... this triad followed him, the fugitive ...... And all at once it was hammered home by the rhythm of the train: Fugitive ...... Fugitive ...... No ...... No ...... he is no fugitive, he is, yes, what is he?

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"Le déjeuner, premier service!" was shouted in the corridor, and he discovered that all his fellow passengers had left the compartment ...... And suddenly he was afraid to be alone. He followed the others and got into the dining car but he did not touch the food, and on his way back he had to stand still and hold on to one of the windows in the side corridor ...... He had been attacked by his old pains, and the jolt it gave every time the wheels ran over a rail joint caused him pain. Finally he reached his seat in the corner by the window.

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He stared out at some strangely planted fields ...... no, they were not plants, they were crosses – soldiers' graves it was ...... the field of the dead ...... cross by cross – going on forever ...... they reminded him of his dream about the black rider racing the train. -@Editor: PLC

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...... Reality is yet far more dreadful than the dream, he thought ...... the rider of death he could escape but not the pains ...... and not himself ...... how would he escape from himself? ...... And he must again think of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... Why had he refused to allow her to follow him? She had begged for it, but he had forced her to stay in ParisParis -- City in France and wait ...... wait for ...... No, he would not give in, he lit another cigarette and forced himself to turn off his thoughts.

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Now they had reached the border and the other passengers in the compartment had gotten off. The train moved at a snail's pace through BelgiumBelgium -- and stopped at a lot of small stations so that people who had an abundance of time could get on or off ...... At the German customs border a new locomotive came on and the speed was increased. Evening fell and the train roared into the darkness.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had sat for long time in the dining car drinking and drinking
[Page 26]
to numb himself ...... and the dreadful pains that the bumps and rolling of the train caused him ...... Now he has returned to his corner. He sets his teeth and closes his eyes. He has broken all bridges, everything behind him is irrevocably over. And now he is in GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe, which he had so far only seen passing through, and where he must now find his destiny, a new life ...... or ...... -@Editor: PLC

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He thinks of the letter he sent to Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- on the day he got the telegram: "I pledge myself to you for life or death ...... if only LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is allowed to live!" ...... Yes, that is what he had written and he stood by it ...... all that remained of male pride in him straightened up: I'm getting closer to the goal, I must endure! -@Editor: PLC

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He inadvertently smiled, not for nothing did he belong to a nation where things are not taken tragically but met with a smile ...... Yes, he said to himself, one may just as well write one's obituary at once.

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And in his thoughts he formed his artistic legacy:

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"The painter Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is dead. He died on the train between ParisParis -- City in France and BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. The cause of death was probably heart failure. -@Editor: PLC

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A happy and harmonious artist's life has thus come to a premature close. He was a man in the prime of life and with a promising future. He seemed just now after a long search and various experiments to have found his own style. His last paintings are characterised by both artistic confidence and human insight ...... His pictures, whose motifs for the most part were found in FranceFrance -- Country in Europe and ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, are sometimes bright and colourful and sometimes dark and melancholy – but always full of atmosphere and feeling for nature. He continuously returned to the same two subjects: ParisParis -- City in France with the Seine banksbanks of the Seine -- , bridges, and towers whose pearl grey, slightly hazy atmosphere he knew how to render with considerable mastery, and landscapes under a threatening sky and with a dark background against which trees and houses shine in hectic colours. With these pictures he won his significant victories at the great Parisian exhibitions. One had the impression, however, that it was mainly the powerful storm pictures perceived in a distinctly masculine way that released his particular artistic talent. They testify to a strong touch of virility
[Page 27]
that constituted a peculiar contrast to his refined, almost feminised appearance. -@Editor: PLC

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He painted very quickly and in that way he got time to occupy himself with other interests beside his paintings. His knowledge was extensive and he was familiar with all art forms. Very characteristic was an answer that he once gave to an older colleague in TrianonTrianon -- when he expressed his criticism of the fact that a younger artist laid out his pictures in a, in his opinion, much too systematic way. 'You must forgive me that I do not share your sentiments,' Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- answered, 'but I do believe that it is impossible to paint a leaf of a rose if you are not completely familiar with the influence exerted by Greek sculpture on Assyrian relief art.' – – – On another occasion Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- said: 'I don't understand the frivolity with which my contemporaries treat their art and their satisfaction with what they produce ...... Personally I think I would need a thousand years just to become a fairly decent painter.' That is how seriously Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- took his art.

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The greater part of his life he spent outside DenmarkDenmark -- Country in Europe in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, HollandHolland -- , and FranceFrance -- Country in Europe. Most of his time he lived in ParisParis -- City in France ...... 'I'm neither Danish nor French,' he said of himself, 'definitely not French, but I'm a Parisian, and if that is not a nationality I have none.'

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When he turned his back on his native country, though he immediately gained much recognition at home, it was because he thought that the right soil for his wife Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's art did not exist in DenmarkDenmark -- Country in Europe. He was often told that his way of painting was preferred to hers, and that was about the worst thing you could say to him, it offended his distinctly chivalrous nature. In ParisParis -- City in France where the opposite was the case, he immediately felt at home. He considered GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's triumphs as his own. For himself he did not have any ambitions, and as for artistic skill he made strict demands on himself. -@Editor: PLC

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In spite of the inevitable influence that no artist living in ParisParis -- City in France can free himself from, he had retained his special Nordic artist's talent ...... In cooperation with a French artistCh. Gyuot (historical) -- he has written a book about a number of Nordic legends that has been printed in many editions in ParisParis -- City in France and France. It made him very proud, he was pleased that with this book he had opened the Germanic world of ideas to the Romanic reading public and thus in the post-war period – the book was published in 1924 – contributed to the building of a bridge between the Germanic and the Romanic spirit. -@Editor: PLC

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In the last years his health left much to be desired. He complained of being in great pain, but it was done with a smile, and therefore no one believed that his condition was so serious. Now death has interrupted this bright and captivating artistic career and his life that was devoted to work and the struggle for art, will for all who knew him stand as an unfinished work ......"

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"Full stop," he finished and smiled to himself remembering that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had written something like this about him in her diary, which she had fallen asleep over one night a short time ago after a day when he had been on the verge of a bodily and spiritual collapse. But she did not know that he had read it.

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"Yes, and something similar," he said to himself, "may be printed about me in the paper in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark that is kindly disposed to me ...... If one of my so-called 'good colleagues' is to write about me in another paper, it will probably be a different tune ......"

Page 29

V.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had not booked a sleeping car ticket. He disliked sleeping with complete strangers, and he felt it as an unassailable shame when he had to undress in the presence of other men ...... But he was lucky, as the train drove on after a short stop in CologneCologne -- City in Germany he was still alone. He folded his hands as a child ...... If only he could be allowed to sleep ...... just this one night ...... not have to think, just sleep ...... sleep ...... He stretched out on the seat and fell asleep.

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A dreadful, stinging pain caused him to jump up with a cry ...... his head was swimming ...... a red mist rose around him ...... and then it suddenly became completely dark and he sank into a deep, deep abyss ...... He felt an eternity had passed before he recovered consciousness and found himself lying on the floor ...... What had happened? He did not know ...... he looked at his watch. It was midnight – seven more agonising hours before he reached BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany.

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With difficulty he managed to get up, and he lay down on the seat again ...... The pain had subsided somewhat ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , little GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , he sighed, I miss your cool hand that has so often helped me, just as my hand laid itself soothingly on your forehead when you were tormented for my sake ...... He got up and drew the shades down, took off his jacket and rolled it up to place his head higher. He had put his coat over himself ...... before he had been much too hot, now he was shivering with cold ...... And the pain resumed. With a deafening noise the train raged past a station and the lights from the platform threw milky white, ghostlike shadows into the compartment ...... shuddering he pulled his coat over his head ...... The dream – the dark rider – is he pursuing him? ...... Is that not the outline of a figure outside against the window? ...... Nonsense, he must be running a fever ...... he is shivering too, he can hear his teeth chatter, his hair is sticking
[Page 30]
to his temples and he is afraid ...... afraid of the rider, whose cloak stands out in the wind taut as a sail ...... He clearly hears the sound of the wind in the cloak ...... quite clear and louder and louder ...... or is it just the freezing cold entering through the window?

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The train slows down and stops.

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" HanoverHanover -- ! HanoverHanover -- !" is shouted outside. And he hears the sound of hammer blows against the wheels, at first far away and then closer ...... in the end the blows are right under his compartment, and it is as if someone hammered on the top of his head. He hears German voices, car doors are slammed open and shut. Then the train slowly starts again ...... Dear God, it may be as tired as I am, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- thinks and makes himself comfortable on the bench again.

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But suddenly he jumps up. The door to his compartment has been pushed aside and against the light from the corridor the outline of a woman's figure appears. For a moment she timidly withdraws from the darkness, then she lifts a small suitcase up into the net and sits by the window in the corner facing the corridor.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- gets up and mechanically turns on the light ...... The train does not stop again before BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, so there is no hope of being alone again ...... He wondered if the next compartment might be empty? ...... No, that would look rude ...... he had to pull himself together and not complain. He is enough of a man not to allow a stranger to have pity on him. He sits up straight and assumes a correct posture.

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The lady is young and elegant; he observes her, but she does not seem to notice ...... The expression in her eyes is striking. It is as if she sees nothing, as if she has no idea that there is someone else in the compartment ...... He is annoyed that he has turned on the light ...... it would have been so nice to spend the rest of the night in darkness ...... but now it is too late ......He could of course ask, but that could be misunderstood ......

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt ill at ease ...... now he clearly sensed that he had a fever ...... his throat constricted and he thought it was as stifling hot as it had been icy cold a short while ago ...... Would this journey never come to an end? ...... When would time cease to stand still? ...... Once again the train roared past a station with a diabolical noise and again the pale light flickered
[Page 31]
through the window. He jumped up to pull the curtains closer.

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Then he heard someone crying.

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He looked across at the young woman in the other corner. She sat quite still and tears streamed down her cheeks. She must have noticed that he was looking at her but she did nothing to control her crying or hide her tears ...... How strange women are, he thought, so completely different from men ...... Have they no pride at all or are they really so weak?

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.! ...... Would LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. become like this, too? Yes, actually, she had most likely always been so ...... been like the morsel of humanity over there who sat and wept as if she had been abandoned by the whole world.

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She was still rather young, her ash-blonde hair lay straight around a high and narrow girl's forehead ...... her eyes, veiled by tears, were probably light blue and by nature carefree and happy. She had taken off her gloves, on one of her fingers was a plain ring of gold ...... so she was engaged. -@Editor: PLC He was seized by a deep compassion for this young, desperate woman.

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"Mademoiselle," he began softly, but she did not seem to have heard him. Then he remembered that he was in GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe.

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"Gnädiges Fräulein," he awkwardly repeated in German.

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Her red eyes met his gaze wherein apparently she read his honest compassion ...... her eyelashes that were wet with tears, glistened like silver ...... A ravishing bride, he thought.

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"I would very much like to help you," he said, "something sad must have happened to you ......"

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That was as far as he got. She had hidden her face in her hands and sobbed so piteously that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- did not know what to do. He sat down beside her, took her hand, and softly stroked it. She put her other hand on top of his and gradually she became calmer and began to speak.

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She was engaged to a famous pianistpianist XX of Hanover -- -@Editor: PLC who two days ago had travelled to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany where he had given a concert that met with rapturous jubilation. Tonight he was to return, she had gone to the station to meet him and there she had caught sight
[Page 32]
of a BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany newspaper with his name in large print on the front page.

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She handed the paper that was crumbled and stained with tears to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . It said -@Editor: PLC that as the famous pianist was on his way back to his hotel after the distinguished concert his car had collided with a tram, and severely injured he had been brought to the hospital where it was feared that his life could not be saved.

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Shaken he let the paper fall ...... He had offered her his help? What must she not think of him? And yet perhaps? – How often had he, who was not able to help himself, not managed to calm the sorrows of others and relieve their pain. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- claimed that he was in possession of a supernatural power ...... perhaps he still had so much of this power left in this terrible night that he could provide this desperate young woman with tranquillity.

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He took her hand again and held it firmly enclosed. To begin with it trembled like a captive bird, but gradually her crying became quieter and finally it stopped completely ...... He began to stroke her hand again ...... now and then she was shaken by renewed sobbing but her breathing became more and more regular ...... Suddenly AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt her blond hair against his face, her head had sunk to his shoulder – she slept. He put his arm around her to support her and he smiled happily ...... Then he still possessed the mysterious power to help others ...... even now!

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A couple of times he sought to free himself from his constrained position, but then her mouth trembled ...... How strange life is, he thought ...... This is me, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- from CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, I come from ParisParis -- City in France and am on my way to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany to meet my hour of destiny ...... and now I'm sitting here with a small German woman, someone else's bride, in my arms ...... Blind providence has brought us together ...... isn't that far more wonderful than the novels invented by the poets?

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The pace of the train was now quite steady ...... it was like a rocking cradle, and he dozed off.

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He was awakened by a sob, the young girl stared at him with a couple of bewildered eyes ...... a cold morning light entered through the curtains.

Page 33
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"Oh, forgive me," he exclaimed stammering, for in his sleep he had accidentally changed his position. She did not answer, but started to cry like a tormented child who is quite alone in the world. He spoke to her consolingly until she settled down again in his arms ...... A few hot tears went down his cheeks ...... now he understood why fate had brought this young, lovely woman into his path. It was in order that he should feel like a man for the last time, in order that as a man he should take leave of the eternal feminine.

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The tall houses of BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany appeared in the morning mist and he had to wake the sleeping girl. She jumped up with a cry:

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"Oh God, what is it? ...... Is he dead ...... No, no, he mustn't die!"

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"Child," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- said in a firm but infinitely gentle voice, "I don't know your name nor you mine ...... but it doesn't really matter, you must believe me, I know he is alive!"

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"Yes, yes, I believe you," she replied, "and I am calm, quite calm ..... I shall never, never forget you!"

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Some minutes later she had disappeared in the crowd of the station. The crumpled newspaper was the only thing he had left of her.

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"I helped you," he thought, "although I myself may have been closer to death than your beloved ...... now I feel that we both shall live, he and I both."

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A few days later AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- happened to read in a newspaper that the bridegroompianist XX of Hanover -- of his unknown fellow passenger was on his way to recovery.

Page 34

VI.

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Accompanied by a porter carrying his two suitcases AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- covered the distance from the railway station over to the hotel on foot.

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"How cold it is here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany," he said surprised, and turned his coat collar up around his ears ...... "and today is even the first of March. In ParisParis -- City in France it was already spring.

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"Yes, in ParisParis -- City in France," the porter replied. And that was the end of the conversation.

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In the hotel, where Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- used to stay himself when he was in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, they had been notified about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' arrival and received him with the utmost politeness. The receptionist had a letter -@Editor: PLC for him. He opened it when he had come up to his room. It was from DresdenDresden -- City in Germany and informed him that Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- in order not to waste time had made appointments with various specialists who were to examine him. A few minutes later one of them, Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, called him on the phone, and they agreed on a time when he was to see him ...... He had barely hung up before the telephone rang again. It was one of his old friends from CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, the poet and lawyer Niels HvideNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative who had already lived in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany for many years.

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"How do you know that I am here?"

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- has written to me. Get a taxi and come here. IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- and I are waiting for you with breakfast."

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This NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was a brilliant man. He was of pure Nordic race. He originated from VendsysselNortj Jutland -- In Denmark, where his family owned estates and farms. He might also have been an English lord, one of those about whom the English themselves say: "With us nobility is measured by yards" ...... IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , his wife, was a typical modern, well-groomed young woman. Her henna coloured hair formed a piquant contrast to her big, almost childish, blue eyes, and in the delicate porcelain complexion of her face a cinnabar red mouth shone. They both loved to travel, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had made several
[Page 35]
journeys with them. They were very close, but they knew nothing about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' secret, and that made him a little uneasy.

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They received him most heartily and as long as IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- was present they only talked of matters of no importance. But as soon as she had left the room, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative in his straightforward and robust way said:

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"Well, we are informed, you know ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- already made certain hints in ParisParis -- City in France last year that made me understand why you had the bizarre idea of allowing yourself to be used as her female model ...... and in the letter she tells me everything."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- involuntarily looked up at one of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's paintings hanging on the wall immediately opposite him and representing LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative caught his gaze and continued:

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"Yes, it will be a strange turn of your life ...... but take comfort in the thought that you will be in good hands ...... Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- is one of our greatest ...... The important thing is that you have enough strength ...... you look a little tired, but then it is not easy to have to choose between yourself ..... and ......"

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He pointed up at the painting.

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"It is not about choice, but about life or death," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- answered seriously, "I am condemned to die ...... The question is if the other being living inside me, when it is freed of all the disguises of the body and soul, will be able to live life and take up the fight against it ......"

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative saw that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was greatly moved and as he knew that his friend would need all his spiritual and physical strength he changed to a jesting tone:

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"Here we don't die, my friend, here we carry it through ...... and the result will be a first-class phenomenon."

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"No," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- interrupted. "I don't want to be a phenomenon ...... I want to be a quite normal and ordinary woman."

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"Normal and ordinary? ..... Do you think that ......"

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"Please, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, let us not talk about the future ......"

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"You're right. Let us rather talk about the past ...... Are you even aware of when and how this LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. evolved and gained power over you?"

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"I'll tell you all that some other time ...... now I must go to Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified and the other doctors."

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"Good," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative answered with his friendly laugh, "but when you have been through your task, we expect you to dinner."

* * *

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Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, the inventor of a new method for the examination of blood, received AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- in a pleasant and considerate manner and asked him a number of somewhat difficult questions in such a factual and scientific tone that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- could answer them without the slightest embarrassment. Then he took a few blood samples while he explained how he, through a number of serological reactions, could determine the hormone content of the blood that was crucial to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s life possibilities.

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"From me you are going to the sexual psychologist, Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- ," he informed his patient, "he will subject you to a mental examination ...... From a purely scientific perspective you can think what you will, but his experience in this field is so great that in a case like this there is no getting round him ...... Finally you have to contact another of my colleagues, Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, with whom I personally collaborate ...... when you come up to me again tomorrow morning the result of our examinations will be sent to your friend, Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ."

d1-trc06p025

"Your friend" ...... These words made AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' heart beat, and when shortly afterwards he found himself in Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- 's impressive Institute of Sexual ScienceInstitute for Psychiatry -- Fictional name in narrative for Institut für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, Germany he repeated them to himself – otherwise he would no doubt have lost courage ...... What am I doing here? He felt a moral discomfort with this large room that seemed more like a club for the sexually abnormal: Women who looked like men in disguise and men about whom it was hard to believe that they were really men ...... The manner in which these people conversed with each other, their movements, their voices, their attire, everything he disliked heartily ......

d1-trc06p026

At last Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- appeared and led him into his study where he subjected him to an hour-long interview. It was a relentless inquisition, a mental torture for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ...... but presumably it was necessaary. When it was over, he was briefly dismissed: Tomorrow, same time.

d1-trc06p027

At the next in the series, Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, it turned out that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had already
[Page 37]
acquired a certain routine in answering the questions put to him. Here the examination was conducted more as a conversation, however, and before he knew, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was into a lively political discussion about the relations between FranceFrance -- Country in Europe and GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe. Quite en passant the doctor stuck a thin syringe into his arm to take a blood sample. Also Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified wished to see him the next day.

d1-trc06p028

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt morally anguished when he returned to IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative:

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"I can't go on! Why don't we go out and enjoy ourselves? I need to see people, healthy people."

d1-trc06p030

IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- had another engagement, but NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was happy to accept AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' proposal. They started in a small Russian restaurant, and subsequently toured around different places where they drank German, French, Hungarian and Spanish wine. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was a connoisseur of wine, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- did not need persuasion – he drank heavily.

d1-trc06p031

"Your health!" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative said. "You are a strange fellow. Tonight you behave like a real man and tomorrow you may expect me to treat you like a lady ......"

d1-trc06p032

"I can appreciate that you find it difficult to understand," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- answered and looked calmly at his friend. "I do too ...... but I am fully aware that there are two beings in me, and that each of them has his or her -@Translator: MO own and – I insist that you believe that – completely healthy and normal emotional life."

d1-trc06p033

"Yes, that is precisely what is incomprehensible," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative declared. "I have known you for many years ...... as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , I mean – LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. you have kept hidden from us until now ...... and I have never felt that you were not like all other men ...... I have seen myself that women like you, and that is surely the best proof ......"

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He interrupted himself and put his hand on AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' shoulder:

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"I hope you do not take it amiss if I ask you a question?"

d1-trc06p036

"No," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- smiled, "I've become accustomed to that during today."

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"Tell me ...... have you never ...... been attracted to your own sex ...... You understand what I mean?"

d1-trc06p038

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- shook his head:

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"Honestly, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, never! ...... It has not interested me in the least." -@Editor: PLC

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"Bravo, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , I thought so ...... Your health again! Let us drink to the future! Had you lived in ancient GreeceGreece -- Not mentioned in G1, perhaps you would had been declared a demigod, and in the Middle Ages you would had been burned, for at that time miracles were forbidden ...... Nowadays, however, at least doctors are permitted to act as miracle makers."

d1-trc06p041

They emptied their glasses, and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative accompanied AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- back to the hotel.

* * *

d1-trc06p042

Next morning AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had regained at least his outward composure, and punctually he met with Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified.

d1-trc06p043

"I have spoken with Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , and we have agreed," the ProfessorProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified said, "that you will undergo a preparatory operation with one of our young colleaguesDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany – a very skilled surgeon ...... When it is over there is no reason why you shouldn't go to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany."

d1-trc06p044

"Why not right away?" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- stammered disappointed.

d1-trc06p045

"KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- is head of a women's clinic ...... and your case," the ProfessorProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified smiled, "is a little ...... unusual, even for us doctors ...... But as soon as you have been operated on here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, you are no longer Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ......"

d1-trc06p046

"But LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.? ......" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- exclaimed and sank into a chair.

d1-trc06p047

"Perhaps you can say that ...... Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- has informed me that he considers you to be mentally eighty percent woman ...... and the blood tests have given a similar result ...... I'll be present at the operation here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany myself, but first a series of photographs must be taken of you – for purely scientific reasons, of course ...... So tomorrow you report to the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin."

d1-trc06p048

As in a dream AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- took down the address, while Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified continued:

d1-trc06p049

"You look rather tired ...... Be careful ...... What you now have to go through is difficult, but what you've gone through in the past years has probably been even more difficult. The rest of us who are born as normal people are probably not able to imagine it ...... You must take comfort in the thought that you have been given spiritual wealth in return and a
[Page 39]
knowledge that far surpasses everyone else's ...... Just have a little patience, my friend ...... Au revoir et bon courage!"

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Without answering AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- pressed the kind man's hand and left.

Page 40

VII.

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That evening AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- visited NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- again. Neither of them wanted to ask him about the result of the day's important examinations. But as they sat at coffee after dinner he got up, turned the light in the ceiling off so that the light in the room became pleasantly subdued, let himself sink into one of the deep armchairs, and said without further introduction:

d1-trc07p002

"You asked me yesterday, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, if I was aware of the amazing development that I have undergone. I have spent the night thinking about the question ...... I had to use the time ..... because this night will be my last ......"

d1-trc07p003

"Oh nonsense, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ," IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- exclaimed, but NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative hushed her. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- continued smiling:

d1-trc07p004

"Whatever comes, Mrs. IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , this will be my last night ...... That is why I would like to – if you have the patience to listen to me – tell you about my life ...... No one knows if I'll still be me the day after tomorrow or if this will be the last time I sit here as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ...... And who knows if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. shares my memories or if she has forgotten them?"

d1-trc07p005

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had gotten up and walked back and forth. Now he stopped and said seriously:

d1-trc07p006

"I have thought about that too, and as I am a lawyer – even a very objective lawyer – I think it would be right that I take down in shorthand what you tell us ...... that is if you don't mind?"

d1-trc07p007

"No, on the contrary," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- answered smiling. "That is a good idea ...... one must of course think of posterity, too."

d1-trc07p008

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative fetched paper and pencil and made himself comfortable. IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- lit a cigarette, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- began:

d1-trc07p009

"I will proceed chronologically and begin by telling you about my parents, both of whom you have known, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative ...... My fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative's family originates from MallorcaMallorca -- from where they had immigrated to JutlandJutland -- In Denmark. There
[Page 41]
is Spanish blood in us and from that I have my dark eyes ...... He was far from a firm nature; on the contrary, he was delicate, very preoccupied with himself and his well-being. Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative on the other hand had fresh and healthy nerves. She was blond and Nordic, but there was perhaps something hard in her nature. She was a capable person and a good mother. She died very suddenly, before fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative, and he never got over her death. Their marriage had been full of storms but now that she was dead he worshipped her like a saint.

d1-trc07p010

"They had four children, three sons and a daughter. I was the youngest ...... And now I'll go on to talking about myself ...... I'm supposed to have been a charming and cheerful child, spoiled terribly by everyone, including my brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative and sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister. From my fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative I never remember having heard a single harsh word. When I was too naughty and a small slap was necessary, my mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative had to see to it. The entire family agreed on pampering me – the youngest in the nest. Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative loved to dress me up, I could not be pretty enough, and therefore I was never – at the risk of ruining my delicate finery – allowed to play with boys of the same age ...... When I was quite small I had long blond locks and snow white skin, accentuating my dark eyes. Therefore I was often taken for a girl by strangers ...... In kindergarten where as the only boy I was with eleven little girls, I was the best at needlework. When I was five I had "honourable mention" for my work at the kindergarten's annual celebration.

d1-trc07p011

"When I was eight years old my brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative often teased me about having a really girlie voice. I took it to heart and I made an effort to make my voice rough and deep ...... It was, now that I think about it afterwards, my first unconscious pretence ...... Otherwise my childhood was nothing but sunshine. I was always happy and contented ...... With my brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative I played with tin soldiers and with my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister with dolls ...... That I wanted to push my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister's doll's pram for her was nothing out of the ordinary ...... I think all boys who have sisters do that.

d1-trc07p012

"At the age of nine I was sent to the state school in the small town where we lived. Both my brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative also went to the same school. None of us were model pupils, but the headmaster was not fond of this kind of pupil anyway – they never amount to anything later in life, he said ...... French and Latin were the only subjects I cared
[Page 42]
for. Moreover I used the school's library very eagerly, which the headmaster considered very much to my advantage, not least because I was the second youngest in the class. In French we had an old teacher whose French pronunciation was very peculiar. He had once been to ParisParis -- City in France which had been a great disappointment to him. It seemed that he and the Parisians had had difficulty in understanding each other. 'And you know that I do speak French!' he concluded his description of the trip.

d1-trc07p013

"My teacher in Latin was quite different. He was rather progressive and he did not limit himself to the strictly linguistic, but made an effort to initiate us into the spirit and art of antiquity. It was he who opened my eyes to the pure beauty of Greek sculpture ...... When I was in the bath with my friends I could not help noticing that I had a much more fine and supple build than the other boys. I myself thought I resembled PraxitelesPraxiteles (historical) -- Athenian sculptor -@Editor: PLC' figures of young men of which we had a few plaster casts in the studio ...... That makes me think of a little episode ....... At school were already then three girls, one of them in the same class as I. In a recess she put her hat on me for fun and laughing she shouted to the others: "Look at him! Doesn't he look like a real girl!" ...... Suddenly the headmaster stood in front of us, and before I really knew what had happened, he had given me a proper beating ...... I was quite beside myself and it was not until many years later that I understood my old headmaster's motive for this punishment ...... Yes, what do we humans know about each other?...

d1-trc07p014

"Otherwise I was in every way a real boy who never refused to fight, and because I was so much slighter that the others, I felt obliged to show greater daring ...... Only when I was out walking with my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister ...... and there was no one around ...... I still pushed her doll's pram.

d1-trc07p015

"In adolescence my interest in art grew. Already when I was ten -@Editor: PLC years old, I had begun to attend exhibitions and read books that dealt with art. My fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative, who was a merchant, sought in vain to lead my interests in 'a more practical direction'. He first tried to educate me for trade, and then he put me into apprenticeship as a house painter, but this only strengthened my desire to become an artist. When I was an adolescent I had my first crush, and after this I continued with a string of crushes in the following years.

Page 43
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"When fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative finally realised the hopelessness of making something practical of me I was, at the age of nineteen, sent to CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark to go to the academy of fine artsArt Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark.. Here a couple of good friends immediately took it upon themselves to rid me of my provincial innocence, and under their 'protection' I was – a little brutally – initiated to the mysteries of the capital.

d1-trc07p017

"But then I got to know GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . It was love at first sight – in the most literal sense of the word ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had also just arrived at the academyArt Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark., and like me she was from the province ...... We quickly became inseparable.

d1-trc07p018

"It was a friend who had introduced us to each other, but when he was told that we had become engaged, he was furious. He was jealous, not of me but of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ..... Well, that is not an unusual phenomenon. How many friends have not had the same experience when a woman has come between them? ...... A year later GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I married ...... We were quite young, I barely twenty and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- a couple of years younger ...... We knew nothing about life and about people ...... we were indescribably happy.

d1-trc07p019

"I still remember one evening ...... it was in one of the first years of our marriage, and at the time we lived in an attic studio with a magnificent view over all of CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark . GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- read one of the beautiful legends of antiquity for me. It sounded something like this:

d1-trc07p020

"'HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological, the gods' favourite, had a son, and AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological the divinely beautiful, had a daughter. Each of them was a revelation of beauty ...... They had never seen each other, but one day the two divine children met in the forest, and the girl was at once seized with an intense love for the boy ...... But he fled from her ...... She ran after him but did not reach him; she called, he did not answer. Desperate she complained to ZeusZeus (fictional) -- mythological: "I love him, and he shuns me ...... Oh, help me, let me be united with him!" ZeusZeus (fictional) -- mythological heard her prayer, he raised his arm, and at that very moment HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological' shy son stood before the master of the gods. Beside herself with joy AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological's daughter embraced the trembling youth ...... Again ZeusZeus (fictional) -- mythological raised his arm and the two became one being ...... When HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological and AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological looked for their missing children they found only one happily laughing divine child ...... "This is my son," HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological said. – "No, this is my daughter," AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological said ...... and they were both right ......'

Page 44
d1-trc07p021

"'Look,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- said that night, 'that is how much I love you ...... I wish you and I could be united in the same way.'

d1-trc07p022

"At that time GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- painted a picture of one of CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark's most idolised actressesAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress. One day, when the actressAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress was to sit, the rehearsal at the theatre took longer than expected and she called by telephone:

d1-trc07p023

"'Listen, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , couldn't you work on the lower part of the picture and make AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- sit for you? ...... His legs are just as good-looking as mine ......'

d1-trc07p024

"While GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- telephoned, I was standing with a cigar in my mouth, cleaning my easel, and when she asked if I would help her, I flatly refused ...... But she persuaded me to put on the actressAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress' dress and high heeled shoes, and in jest she pulled a carnival wig out of a drawer, put it on me, put make up on me and led me to the mirror while she clapped her hands with delight:

d1-trc07p025

"'You look positively splendid,' she said, 'one would think that you had never worn other clothes.'

d1-trc07p026

"Now that I think back soberly, I recall that I immediately felt comfortable in this disguise ...... it seemed quite natural to me ...... I felt at home in these light women's clothes ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- sat down and began to paint, but after a while the doorbell rang ..... It was the actressAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, the rehearsal had finished quickly after all ...... At first she startled a little at seeing someone else in her dress; then she recognised me, uttered a cry of joy and rushed over and embraced me:

d1-trc07p027

"'AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- you are great! You're much prettier as a woman than as a man. I'm certain that you have been a woman in a previous existence...... unless Nature has committed a small mistake.'

d1-trc07p028

"She looked at me searchingly, and both GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I could tell that she felt more and more queer. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- signalled to me to go and change, but the actressAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress would not hear of it.

d1-trc07p029

"'No, no!' she cried ...... 'I'd rather not see AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- today ...... I'd much rather keep this girl. But what should she be called? She must indeed have a name ...... shall we call her
[Page 45]
LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.? ...... It sounds so sweet ...... From now on your name is LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., remember that! ...... But don't you think we should celebrate the christening?'

d1-trc07p030

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- fetched wine and fruit and we celebrated to our heart's content.

d1-trc07p031

"That is how LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. came into existence and got her name ..... it began as a playful jest, a genuine artist's whim and through many years the game was continued – until it was in earnest.

d1-trc07p032

"Some weeks after LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s christening there was to be an artists' carnival, and it was decided that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. should be introduced in society on this occasion. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- composed a Pierrette costume for her and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was a smashing success. The gentlemen competed to dance with her, and one of them, an older officer, was so insistent in his advances that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. found it expedient to inform him that she was a man. But he would not believe this: 'No, little miss, an old soldier can't be fooled!' Another wanted to obtain a kiss by force and was so violent that she, as she had to break loose by force, tore up her lace.

d1-trc07p033

"It was the first time I learned how brutal men can be towards women – and it was not the last ......

d1-trc07p034

"I also gained another experience on this memorable evening. When I saw a lady in a really beautiful dress, I could not help but giving her a friendly smile, but usually I got an icy glance in return, scornfully measuring me from head to foot ...... I was upset and asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- if I had done something wrong. She stroked my cheek and answered:

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"'You are so stupid LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., you don't know yet how mean women can be to each other ...... If they are rude towards you, it is only a proof that you look great.'

– – – –

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"This party was followed by others, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. identified more and more with her role ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- dressed her every time and in the artists' circles of CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. started to create a furor ...

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"Strange as it sounds, soon it was no longer I who disguised myself as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... she had for me as for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- become an independent person ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and I were two different beings. When LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was not there, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I spoke about her, and when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was there, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and she spoke about me as if were a third person ......

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"To GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had quickly become indispensable. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was by nature
[Page 46]
rather melancholy, and when she was in a dark spirit, she called LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., who with her carefree cheerfulness soon got the better of her sombre mood ...... No less significant was LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- as her model who, I can say that now, brought her luck, became her mascot ...... I do not know if it was a coincidence, but the pictures for which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had posed were the most successful. And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's fame grew ...... One day she had an invitation to exhibit her LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.-paintings in ParisParis -- City in France.

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"This was the direct reason why all three of us, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and I, settled in ParisParis -- City in France.

Page 47

VIII.

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"Even before we moved to ParisParis -- City in France we had made several travels abroad. Our demands were very modest, and as soon as we had sold enough to save up some money, we went south to study and get to know the world.

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"Only when we had no more money left, did we turn our faces towards home. On all these journeys, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had not been along. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I had so many new experiences that we did not have time to concern ourselves with her. Thus we lived for a whole year in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, only filled with the beauty of the South that to us children of the North is like the most wonderful fairy-tale. It was the happiest year that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I lived together ...... But as soon as we were back home in the studio, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. appeared again and we could not comprehend that we had been able to do without her.

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"But now LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was no longer a toy ...... I had changed; I had not noticed it myself, but I discovered it through its effect upon others. In FlorenceFlorence -- City in Italy a rich Dutchman -@Editor: PLC had pursued me, so that I almost had to challenge him, and in RomeRome -- City in Italy an American millionaire insisted on taking me to EgyptEgypt -- ...... It was LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who made her influence felt in me.

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"...... But now we were in ParisParis -- City in France. We settled down on the left bank of the SeineSeine -- in one of the many small hotels around École des Beaux-ArtsÉcole des Beaux-Arts -- . We had two cosy pink and gray-white wallpapered rooms with a view of an old garden. In one of them was a secretive bed recess with red flowered curtains. The factotum of the hotel, JeanJean (fictional) -- Factotum of a hotel mentioned in the narrative, told us that Oscar WildeOscar Wilde (historical) -- British writer had spent his last days in the two rooms and that he had died in the bed recess behind the red flowered curtains. While he was speaking, tears ran down his unshaven cheeks. We understood the reason for his sorrow as he informed us that the poet had often given him twenty francs to buy cigarettes for him and
[Page 48]
never asked for change. Evidently this information also contained a delicate hint to us ...... Here in Oscar WildeOscar Wilde (historical) -- British writer's quiet rooms GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I often sat at the wide window facing the old garden in the evening and read his works until we knew them by heart.

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"In the neighbourhood of the hotelone of the numerous small hotels in Paris -- we found our regular rendezvous: Château neuf du PapeChâteau neuf du Pape -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified , a modest little restaurant where we could have a splendid dinner for 1 franc 30 – wine included. A multitude of artists came there, and we made our first Parisian friends.

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"Shortly after our arrival, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was engaged as an employee by a large illustrated magazine, and immediately she was all enthusiasm and eager to start. But how could she find a suitable model in a hurry? ...... 'Couldn't you help me?' she asked. At first I was a little surprised because the first time in ParisParis -- City in France had been so tumultuous that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., just as in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, had receded into the background, but I did not have the heart to disappoint GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and answered:

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"'Yes, but LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s clothes stayed in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark and yours won't fit her.'

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"The next day we went out and shopped for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who was very proud of her first Parisian outfit ...... So LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. appeared in ParisParis -- City in France.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's pictures were a success and she was radiant with happiness. Her work was well paid and she could afford to keep other models. We rented a studio apartment and I got time to paint a good deal, partly in ParisParis -- City in France and partly in VersaillesVersailles -- .

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"When we had saved enough money, we fulfilled one of our greatest wishes and travelled to the sunny paradise of CapriCapri -- Island in Italy where we had the pleasure of meeting one of our good friends, an Italian painter, whom we had met in FlorenceFlorence -- City in Italy. Through him we came into an international artist clique that gathered every day in the bathing season on the little beach at Piccola MarinaPiccola Marina -- ...... Here a Scottish artist arrived one day accompanied by a figure in boy's clothes who in a bathing suit revealed herself as a pretty young lady.

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"'I saw that at once,' declared a Venetian sculptor, FlavioFlavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified., who belonged to the clique, 'a woman can no more disguise herself as man, than a man can disguise himself as a woman – it will be discovered immediately.'

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I looked at each other and smiled ...... And the next afternoon
[Page 49]
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- showed up on the pier with a tall slim young lady no one had ever seen. They walked back and forth in front of Café MorganaCafé Morgana -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified, but Morgano is a marina in Capri , and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had to answer many inquiring and curious greetings. Signora FlavioSignora Flavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified., the sculptor's wife, summoned her courage and went up to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to ask how I was ...... she had not seen me all day.

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"'AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had to go to NaplesNaples -- City in Italy on business, he won't be back until tomorrow,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- explained and added, 'may I introduce: Mademoiselle Lili CourtaudLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... Signora FlavioSignora Flavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified.!'

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"The Italian lady had achieved what she wanted and hastily invited GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and her companion for a party the same night.

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"The joke was a success beyond all expectations. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's French friend was given a friendly reception and was so highly admired that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had to stay a few days longer in NaplesNaples -- City in Italy. When he returned, the elegant Parisian had unfortunately left ...... neither FlavioFlavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. nor the others had discovered anything at all.

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"This experience brought about a change in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s habits. She had more courage and now it often happened that she stayed all evening when she sat as a model for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . If some intimate friend came to visit she no longer fled to the other room, but stayed where she was and filled the studio with her endearing character and her sparkling humour ...... Everyone came to love her but treated LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and me very differently. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's female friends, who were rather ceremonial with me, hugged LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and addressed her familiarly -@Translator: MO and the reverse was the case with my friends ...... Month by month LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. grew more predominant and only reluctantly gave way.

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"At the autumn exhibition where both GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I exhibited we made the acquaintance of a French Sculptor, Jean TempeteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor, who had a summer home in a small town at the Loire riverLoire -- River in France, BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- ... He had promised to organise a charity performance on the town's primitive stage and invited us to participate.

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"It was a merry party that in the morning got off the train in the little town that looked as if it was taken straight out of toy boxBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- , quite a little RothenburgRothenburg -- ...... 'the theatre' looked like a tobacco shop with an added dance hall, and as there was no scenery, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was appointed as scene painter and immediately got everything going. In a
[Page 50]
'uniquely spectacular frame of décor,' a revue for which TempeteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor had written the words and music was to be performed by the other artists – painters, sketch artists and sculptors. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- worked extremely hard and late in the afternoon everything came together smoothly. The only thing missing was a young woman painter who could not arrive before the evening train. But she was not on it, and it caused a great commotion. TempeteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor was beside himself, the part was not big, but it could not be cut out due to the 'thread' of the revue.

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"'Can't you take over?' he asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- in desperation.

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"'No,' she replied, 'I'm exhausted, I can't go on ...... but perhaps LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ......'

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"'Who is LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.?'

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"'It's a secret,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- answered, 'but I'll see to it that she comes, and she should easily handle it.'

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"She took TempeteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor aside and let him in on the secret. In a small hotel room I was dressed, and there was no one in the crammed hall who was not convinced that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was a native Parisienne ...... The pharmacist in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- was even so enthusiastic that he sent a box of violet soap to the hotel for the unknown beauty.

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"That evening LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. met her best friend, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost. He had the comic leading part in the revue and his mere appearance provoked cascades of laughter ...... He was the only one of us all who had talent ...... Already that morning I had noticed his dry, quick wit. His face was very irregular, he was almost colourless, his eyes were awry, and his nose was pointed. At first he seemed ugly, but as soon as one had talked just for a moment with him, one could not help noticing his sharp intelligence and the warmth and kindness emanating from his whole being.

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"Of course he was acquainted with the secret of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's favourite model through his artist colleagues. But while AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had not interested him much in the morning, his conduct towards LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was completely different ...... After the performance there was a dance, and on the request of the others LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had kept on her costume. She danced incessantly and enjoyed herself tremendously. When she
[Page 51]
finally had a free dance, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost stood in front of her, bowed and asked as he squeezed the monocle more firmly in his eye:

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"'When you have rested a bit, will you allow me to dance a few dances with you?'

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"He spoke in a solemn tone and a slight blush spread over his earnest face ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked at him a little surprised and nodded. They danced brilliantly together. They were of equal height and immediately in rhythmic harmony ...... They did not speak, but gave themselves completely to the dance.

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"The same evening it was decided that they should all spend the summer vacation in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- . LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. received a special invitation, and she promised that both she and her “brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ” would come. From that moment LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. called me her brother and I had to put up with it.

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"In August the Paris gang conquered the little townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- which received it half in admiration and half in consternation. The thermometer showed 35 degrees Celsius in the shade, and therefore we often turned night into day and bathed in the river at night. The society of BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- kept its distance, only the acting mayor, Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon, as he was called by the whole town, a cheerful old bachelor, kindly looked after us. It was also he who in the town council suggested that a summer festival for the benefit of the town's poor should be organised with the assistance of the ParisParis -- City in France gang. His proposal was approved, and the gang was immediately willing. TempeteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor worked out a festival programme with the LoireLoire -- River in France as the centre of the festival. There was to be a procession of boats decorated with flowers. The first was to be CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's boat and this GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was to organise. Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon made his wine cellar and an old barge available to the festival, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- really succeeded in transforming the barge into a splendid love gondola with a heart-shaped red sail swelling in the wind ...... The river is very beautiful at BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- , but there are whirlwinds that make sailing quite dangerous. Therefore CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative had to be able to swim for safety's sake, and as since childhood I had been a very good swimmer, I had to represent CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative – that is, it was LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who took over the role of CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative ...... Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, who in the meantime had become our close friend and who could also swim, became CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's gondolier.

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"That is how it came about that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., disguised as CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative and surrounded by applause, sailed through the old cityBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- where Joan of ArcJoan of Arc (historical) -- -@Editor: PLC had made her entry several centuries ago, surrounded by steel-clad
[Page 52]
warriors. In the bright sunshine CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative fired his golden arrows at the many people who were lined up along the bank, and several of them recognised LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. from the charity performance.

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"When ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost with great difficulty had paved the way for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. through the crowd back to the hotel, he looked at her earnestly and said:

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"'CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative, divine rogue, whatever you pretend to be ... you are a real woman!'

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked at him startled.

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"'What do you mean?'

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"But he turned away:

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"'Nothing ...... nothing at all ...... If I told LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. what I have felt and thought all day, her brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- would probably take it amiss.'

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"He left and when we met the next day, he did not speak to me ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had disappeared again ......

– – –

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"Through a number of years we spent our holiday in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- , and here I gradually got used to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s and my double life. She participated in all the parties and excursions and I applied myself to painting, swam and emptied several bottles of wine along with the inhabitants of the town. I had made many friends and knew everyone in the little townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- , where they were quite proud at the thought that my pictures of the town's small houses and gardens were to hang in an exhibition in ParisParis -- City in France ...... But none of the good citizens had any idea who the slim Parisienne was who often walked with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- through the narrow streets early in the morning to spend a lovely day in the country and return only when all the lights were turned off and the town had gone to bed.

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"The friendship with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost became even deeper during these holidays and was of course continued in ParisParis -- City in France. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost spent nearly every Sunday in the studio, and it was a tacit agreement that it was LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who opened the door for him ..... If, on a rare occasion, it was me, he was evidently disappointed. He shook my hand in a friendly manner, looked at my new paintings, and we talked for a few moments about politics or something else, until he said: 'I haven't said hello to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ' ...... and went into the kitchen ...... But if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was there, he did not leave her side. -@Editor: PLC

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who wanted to go out on the town was often a guest along with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- at a fashionable artist club where there was usually dancing. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. made an effort not to make new acquaintances, she only cared to dance with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost. But one evening, a lady who belonged to our intimate circle and who knew both LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and me – though without suspecting anything about our double life – came over to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. with a gentleman, a no longer quite young officer ...... 'This is my cousin who would very much like to make your acquaintance,' she said and introduced: ' Count de la TrempeCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified and Baroness Lili de CourtaudLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.!' ...... I could not avoid dancing with him while ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost mockingly watched, and when the dance was over, he asked for permission to pay a visit to the baroness.

d1-trc08p041

"He came the very next day and was received by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- who regretted that her 'sister in law' was not at home.

d1-trc08p042

"'Oh, said the count, 'your husband is the baroness' brother ...... I should be glad to make his acquaintance.'

d1-trc08p043

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- left it at this explanation and after the count had looked with interest at the paintings for which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had posed he said goodbye.

d1-trc08p044

"The next day we had a couple of friends for tea and I had just told them about the count's visit when the doorbell suddenly rang. It was him again.

d1-trc08p045

"'The day before yesterday I had the pleasure of dancing with your sister,' he told me, 'and I couldn't deny myself the pleasure of seeing her again as I was just passing.'

d1-trc08p046

"It was difficult for me to keep a straight face as I explained that my sister had left for the country early in the morning and that she would probably not return before late in the evening, but that she would no doubt very much regret that she had not been at home.

d1-trc08p047

"'I'm the one who regrets,' the count said, and looked inquisitively at me through his monocle. I had the feeling that my heart was an anvil and he was beating it with a hammer. Finally he let the monocle fall and said:

d1-trc08p048

"'It is strange, I can't find the slightest resemblance, one wouldn't believe that you and the baronessLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. were brother and sister.'

d1-trc08p049

"I breathed a sigh of relief.

Page 54
d1-trc08p050

"'My cousin has told me that the baroness is completely free,' he continued, 'dare I ask, if that is true?'

d1-trc08p051

"I was unable to answer and therefore restricted myself to nodding, whereupon he got up and with a very correct bow declared:

d1-trc08p052

"'Then it is my honour to ask for the baroness' hand in marriage!'

d1-trc08p053

"I nearly fell off my chair, and it was with the greatest difficulty that I promised him to convey his honourable offer to my sister.

d1-trc08p054

"With many compliments he retired – and a Homeric laughter rang through the studio.

d1-trc08p055

"But I was really very upset. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s experiences began to get on my nerves, and in the evening I asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- what on earth we should do.

d1-trc08p056

"'I've already thought about that,' she answered, 'for family reasons "your sister" will suddenly be called home to CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark and from there she'll send a nice letter – that can easily be arranged through one of our friends at home – to the count in which she thanks him and regrets that she is not in a position to become his wife, that he must give up all hope, and that she won't return to ParisParis -- City in France for some time to come.'

d1-trc08p057

"So it was, and the count never knew to whom he had really proposed.

Page 55

IX.

d1-trc09p001

"And so LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and I continued our double life ...... we had many happy hours and neither the initiated nor I myself considered it to be anything other than a pleasant distraction, an artist's whim – neither more nor less. No more did we worry about the ever more prominent difference between me and the mysterious girl, nor did we notice that my figure had slowly started to change.

d1-trc09p002

"One evening I said to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- :

d1-trc09p003

"'I really can't imagine life without LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... but the day that she ceases to be young and beautiful there is no longer any reason for her existence.'

d1-trc09p004

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- looked at me in surprise:

d1-trc09p005

"'It's strange ...... what you say is something that I, too, have often had to think about lately,' she said and explained as she searched for the words, that it was no longer I who modelled for her as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., but that it was more and more LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. herself whom she drew and painted ...... and that during the last months she had felt remorse, because she originally was the one who had drawn LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. out and in doing so became guilty of the discord which more and more clearly showed in my nature on the days when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was not present.

d1-trc09p006

"I listened intently to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and it was as if she held up a mirror to me as she continued:

d1-trc09p007

"'I have the impression that we are faced with something stronger than ourselves that will get out of hand ...... as if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. will take revenge because we have played with her ......'

d1-trc09p008

"'You are right,' I said, 'and the most terrible of all is the feeling that it is LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., precisely LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., who binds the two of us to each other ...... it is because of her that we have stayed together through all these years ...... I don't think I could live without her.'

d1-trc09p009

GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- interrupted me, she had often felt the same ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was
[Page 56]
the embodiment of our shared youth and happiness and she, too, could not imagine being without her.

d1-trc09p010

"'We can't give her up,' she declared with tears in her eyes '...... if she were suddenly no longer here ...... it would be as if we had committed a murder.'

d1-trc09p011

"'Yes,' I answered, 'more so as she has much more vitality in her than I.'

d1-trc09p012

"Perhaps these words were dictated by a momentary despondency. My health had so far been very robust, and I had been able to stand any physical exertion ...... but lately I had often felt unwell which manifested itself as an insurmountable exhaustion more than anything else. In addition to this, I had not really been able to endure the last winters in ParisParis -- City in France which had been particularly cold and rainy. I constantly had colds and slight coughs ... But you cannot expect to stay young, I said to myself ...... and then I thought of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... She shared my body with me – to her youth was much more important than to me ...... I had previously had a happy disposition but now that was over. I became more and more depressed ...... for days, weeks, months I felt completely powerless ...... And I, who had always been a hard worker, lost all my energy. I no longer understood myself ...... Now and then, however, there were brighter periods – especially when we were in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- – but it did not last long ...... I became more and more tired – it was an intolerable condition.

d1-trc09p013

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- started to worry and made me go to a doctor who gave me a nerve tonic, but it did not help. I went to another doctor – same result.

d1-trc09p014

"Only when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. came, everything was all right, then life was wonderful again and all dejection was gone ...... therefore she came as often as possible ...... By now she had made her own acquaintances, and her own experiences and habits that had nothing at all to do with me ...... As time went on, she stayed for several days in a row, then she and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- sat together and sewed or embroidered and had a pleasant time ...... there were also days when she shut herself up in her own room and could sit and dream for hours all alone with her needlework ...... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- watched this
[Page 57]
mysterious creature who was building her own world shaking their heads in wonder ...... but they left her alone, and she was happy.

d1-trc09p015

"An accidental episode was to be the introduction to the last part of these continuous, relentless inner struggles between LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and me ......

d1-trc09p016

"About two years ago one of my old friends from CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, the Royal Theatrethe Royal Theatre -- 's greatest actorIven Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenJ -- Modeled on Johannes Poulsen, came to ParisParis -- City in France to give a guest performance ...... He brought his wife, the beautiful dancerEbba Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenU -- Modeled on Ulla Britta Poulsen, and for that reason there was also a ballet on the programme ....... But the ballet corps was not large, a dancer was lacking, and as my friend knew that I danced quite well, he asked me if would like to take part, which I agreed to.

d1-trc09p017

"At the ballet rehearsals that were very lengthy, I probably overstrained myself, for I had an attack of nosebleed of such an unusual character that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was frightened and wanted me to give up the part. But I did not want to embarrass my good friend, and I persevered, despite new bleeding accompanied by nervous sobbing, – something that had so far been completely foreign to me. After each of these attacks, I felt relieved, as if something in me had been released.

d1-trc09p018

"At the same time a curious change had happened in my character ...... I had always been quite independent, inclined to get on my high horse and never let anybody tell me anything, but already at the first rehearsal, I had the feeling that I was no longer myself. I had been seized by a strange impulse to subordinate myself, to yield to a stronger will ...... I had always regarded the actorIven Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenJ -- Modeled on Johannes Poulsen as a good friend with whom I was equal, but now I no longer dared to contradict him, I gave in quite slavishly ...... and more than that, when he asked me to do something over and grabbed me to show how I should do it, I was embarrassed and miserable and blushed like a schoolboy ...... When I think back on this strange psychological development now, I can safely say that it was not in the least erotic in nature ...... what had happened I cannot explain, it just was so...... but it was not me who reacted in this way. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- teased me with a smile about my new, humble nature, but behind her smile she hid an infinite astonishment.

Page 58
d1-trc09p019

"When at one of the last rehearsals, I showed myself in my costume for the first time, a tight leotard, a short bolero and a curly wig, my friend stared at me and exclaimed with his strong boyish laugh:

d1-trc09p020

"'No upon my word, that won't do, now we have too many ladies!'

d1-trc09p021

"At first I did not understand what he meant, but when I saw that everyone's eyes were directed at me, my face turned scarlet and I rushed out to the dresser and demanded to be given something else to wear ...... I realised that I looked like a disguised woman.

– – –

d1-trc09p022

"In the time that followed my nervousness increased further. At almost regular intervals I got the mysterious bleeding that led to a severe depression and was accompanied by intense pain ... GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- made me see a doctor again ...... but although I began to have an idea about the connection between my double existence and my physical sufferings, I told him nothing about LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and, of course, he could not help me.

d1-trc09p023

"I therefore started – like all other sick people who do not know what is wrong with them – to study all sorts of books on sexology, but I soon realised that nothing about ordinary men and women could apply to my condition ...... Gradually I arrived at the conviction that I was both man and woman, and that it was the woman who was about to take over my body ...... only this theory could explain the physical and mental disturbances that caused me more and more agony.

d1-trc09p024

"Secretly I went to a specialist and explained to him what I thought about myself, but he only shook his head and regarded me as mad ......

d1-trc09p025

"My condition became worse and worse and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- who was seriously concerned about me suggested that we should leave ParisParis -- City in France where it was bleak and cold and go to ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe.

d1-trc09p026

"It was the end of March and on the other side of the Alpsthe Alps -- we met the blossoming spring ...... Without stopping we travelled straight to RomeRome -- City in Italy where we had arranged to meet one of our friends, an Italian officerRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative, whom we had met in FlorenceFlorence -- City in Italy on our first trip to ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe and with whom we had since corresponded. He was now home on leave after a long service in the colonies. He
[Page 59]
received us at the station and drove with us to the hotel where he waited while we changed to take us out to dinner. I was terribly worn out from the long railway journey and had indescribable pains, but I did not want to spoil the evening for the others and so I went.

d1-trc09p027

"We sat at FaccianoFacciano -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified's; the cool evening air flowed in through the open door from the beautiful Piazza ColonnaPiazza Colonna -- ...... I shall never forget that evening ..... The band played the latest tunes of the day, and right across from me sat GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... she looked as though she was only twenty-five. The weariness had disappeared as if by a stroke, her eyes sparkled and around her lips lay a dreamy smile. And next to her sat our friend, Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative, and looked equally splendid ....... When we met him the first time he was a young, lively lieutenant, we thought that it would only be a fleeting acquaintance, and when we parted we thought it was for good ...... But then his letters came from the distant colonies – usually it was GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- he wrote to.

d1-trc09p028

"I felt a pang in my heart and was seized by a deep sadness. I had to think of that time and of the years that had passed. And I thought of myself ...... what had I become?

d1-trc09p029

"I pulled myself together and threw myself eagerly into their conversation. A thousand questions were asked and answered ...... Do you remember So and So? ... What has become of him? ... And Mrs. X? ... What has become of her? ...... Do you remember the afternoon in the casino and the same evening in the cinema at Piazza Vittorio EmmanuelePiazza Vittorio Emanuele -- ? ...... All the old names, the familiar places and atmospheres appeared to us ...... I saw it all before me ...... and here I sat with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative and laughed just as they did ...... but most often their laughter sounded alone and they looked as they did then, years ago, when they were quite young ...... I made an effort to join the laughter, but it was only an external, forced grimace ...... my previous joy in life was lost. I had changed ...... I had become another ...... a person without the courage to live.

d1-trc09p030

"There in RomeRome -- City in Italy – it is just now a year ago – in this glorious city between the rusty red walls and trickling fountains, it was completely clear to me for the first time, that I had not only changed but that I was facing the end of my existence ...... The mild and at the same time cruel Roman spring was like a sort of
[Page 60]
overture to the last act of my life ...... I knew now that my fate was sealed.

d1-trc09p031

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I had rented a studio with a wide flower-filled terrace just off Piazza di SpagnaPiazza di Spagna -- . This sunny home in the immediate vicinity of RomeRome -- City in Italy's most beautiful square I will never forget ...... Every day I was sick, every single day ...... and outside our studio window the roses and the many orange trees blossomed.

d1-trc09p032

"Now and then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. appeared ...... but she too had lost her carefree nature. She cried ...... every time she cried. She understood how wonderful life can be. She felt as if she were going to die.

d1-trc09p033

"Sometimes GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , who was usually so strong, also cried. She tried to paint but she could not quite get started. When at night I lay beside her, I felt that her eyes, too, were wide open ...... The evenings they usually spent with FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative. His manner had also changed by now. Though he strove to be cheerful he became more and more prey to a morbid melancholy ...... Once he was not able to control himself ...... he said that his life was a failure and that he quite understood people who came to the realisation that a monastery was their last resort ...... I could feel that he meant what he said.

d1-trc09p034

"And then I had to think about GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ! ...... Was not her life a failure too? ...... Had she not sacrificed herself in order that I should not be alone because she felt that I had become a sick person, and because she knew that she was the only one who understood me? I knew her loyalty and her affection for me, I knew that no earthly power could induce her to leave me – now less than ever. But she was still young ...... she still had time to make up for all that she had given up for my sake ...... To me, on the other hand, life no longer had any attraction ..... I know that it sounds trite – to others. But to me it was the bitter truth ..... Why then should I continue to drag myself through life? No doctor would understand what was wrong with me, no one could help me ...... Live on, sick and old before my time? ...... That was a terrible thought to me ...... Quite objectively I settled my score – calmly and rationally – and I came to the result that I had better die.
[Page 61]
Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- would be free and life could still grant her many rich years.

d1-trc09p035

"That evening in RomeRome -- City in Italy I made my decision and it remained firm ...... only one thing could induce me to change it ...... I gave myself a year but if I was not able to find a doctor before then who could help me save LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. by separating her from me – I know that it must be hard for others to understand it, but what words should I use? – yes, if I did not find such help I would quietly take leave of life, even if the being who shared my body also had to share my fate ...... I had even set the date of this "execution" that had to take place as discreetly as possible to spare GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- as much as it was in our ...... in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s and my power.

d1-trc09p036

"To spare GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... yes, that was the hardest of all ...... I knew only too well how she would take such an ending to my life ...... but in spite of all misgivings, in spite of the consideration for my faithful little friend, I realised that there was no other way ...... it would still be a liberation for both of us.

d1-trc09p037

"When I had made my decision I felt a kind of relief. Now at least I knew that there would be an end to my troubles in the relatively near future ...... My condition worsened day by day and the moment came when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- realised that I could no longer stay in RomeRome -- City in Italy, but that I had to go back to ParisParis -- City in France to receive treatment from a good doctor. And in very low spirits we left RomeRome -- City in Italy – and Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative – on a sunny spring morning, long before we had planned.

d1-trc09p038

"When we found ourselves in the familiar surroundings in ParisParis -- City in France again, I got a little better. Once again I saw a few specialists but still with the same negative result ...... a radiologist gave me an X-ray treatment that nearly cost me my life. I saw no reason to postpone the date of my death, it was to be the first of May.

d1-trc09p039

"It was a very hot summer in ParisParis -- City in France and for that reason we went out to VersaillesVersailles -- where we stayed very close to the park of the palace. Our external life passed as before ...... Neither GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- nor I was inclined to make a fuss about our joys and sorrows ...... Work is the best doctor, I told myself, and as soon as my condition would permit, I went out into the park with
[Page 62]
my painter's box and my easel as in previous years ...... As often as she wanted to, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. came and tried to amuse herself and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

d1-trc09p040

"The only person who had a fairly correct understanding of my condition was Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost. He was a great comfort to both of us. Instinctively he felt what was hidden behind GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's, mine, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s calm exterior, and without many words he knew how to help us. When he came out to us on Sundays, he brought along the old happy mood. What would we have done without ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost during this period?

d1-trc09p041

"Both he and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had realized long ago that the only thing that sustained me now was LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and therefore we both -@Editor: PLC encouraged her to come as often as possible. ...... ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost often went for long walks with her in the park, and they made plans for the future ...... One evening, when the rays of the setting sun set all the windows and the mirror-like surfaces of the fountains on fire, they walked together arm in arm down the terraces ...... Suddenly they heard a lady who passed exclaim: 'Look, there go two happy people!'

d1-trc09p042

"That evening Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost could not regain his happy laugh.

– – –

d1-trc09p043

"Most of our friends and acquaintances understood better than the doctors how ill I was. They of course had to limit their compassion to some sympathetic words, but they still gave me moral support, because I felt that they regarded me as a human being who carried a heavy burden and whose sufferings were a martyrdom and not – as the doctors would have it – imagination and hysteria.

d1-trc09p044

"One day I met in the park an older French painter, whom I knew quite well but had not seen for quite some time. He sympathetically asked about my health, and when I answered evasively, he said to my surprise:

d1-trc09p045

"'I have for some time, without your noticing, observed you, when you sat and painted, and I haven't been able to avoid seeing the great change that has happened to you ...... previously you were well and healthy, now on the other hand – well, you must forgive me for speaking bluntly, now you look like a girl in disguise ...... You are ill, you are even very ill ...... something has happened to you, something that sounds quite fantastic, but it has been seen before that what seems impossible today can be a fact tomorrow ...... Instances of the opposite kind are, of course, also known ...... the doctors are certainly well informed about those ...... Why shouldn't they
[Page 63]
be able to help you too? ...... I understand that it is not easy for a poor painter to pay the huge fee that real skill demands ...... but let us hope you may find a doctor who will render you his assistance for humanitarian and scientific reasons alone.'

d1-trc09p046

"Such a comment was to me like an oasis in the desert and gave me courage and strength to continue my hopeless search for the person who was able to save me.

d1-trc09p047

"During this last summer in VersaillesVersailles -- I often noticed that people on the street and in the park – yes, even in the stores where I used to shop – looked astonished and curious at me ...... One morning when I used a corridor through Hôtel des RéservoirsHôtel des Réservoirs -- Luxury hotel on rue des Réservoirs, near the park of Versailles, Paris. to get to the park more quickly, a couple of young waiters stood there, and when I had passed them, I heard one of them say in the purest Copenhagen dialect – before the war there were always foreign waiters at the hotel, also Danish, because of the many tourists –: 'That was a damned pretty girl, the one in the painters pants!' ...... Of course, I ignored it and hurried on.

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"A few days later the woman porter said to me:

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"'Please don't be angry, sir, but at the grocery store where you shop they won't believe that you, Sir, are a sir.'

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"She stared at me with a couple of wide open and terrified eyes when I laughingly replied:

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"'You don't have to be so shocked about that – I am inclined to agree with them.'

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"These and other experiences made me feel that the situation was getting precarious ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could show herself on the street without anybody taking notice, excluding some Don Juan, who would get the idea of following her, while I, although I was perfectly correctly dressed and walked with long, firm masculine steps, could not avoid attracting attention and being taken for a disguised woman ...... it was quite intolerable.

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"I consoled myself that VersaillesVersailles -- is a small town whose inhabitants show a strong interest in everyone else, but when we returned to ParisParis -- City in France in the autumn the case was the same ...... only the Parisians behaved more discretely. In the Metro, on the buses
[Page 64]
and in the tram I caught glances that told me that in ParisParis -- City in France, too, people thought I was not the person that I pretended to be ...... it made a strong impression on me. My nerves were so weakened by my constant sufferings that I could not endure the curious and mocking glances that seemed to follow me.

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"I turned to a heart specialist who had previously been kind to me. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had seen him a few days earlier to try to explain my and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s double life to him, and he had promised her to call one of his colleagues who was a specialist in surgery. But he did not conceal the fact that he considered it an obsession without any physical explanation ...... 'I have examined your husband several times,' he said, 'and I can assure you that he is perfectly normal' ...... Before we went to the doctor together, I solemnly promised myself and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- that this would be my last attempt ......Not many words had passed between me and the two doctors before I got the impression that they had made a common plan for how to rid me of my 'hysterical whim' ...... They subjected me to a rather superficial examination and subsequently let me understand – in a tone the irony of which they made no effort to hide – that they considered me to be a hysteric and a malingerer. One of them with whom I had not previously had anything to do even allowed himself to suggest that I was probably in reality – a homosexual, a suggestion that made me quite beside myself. Had GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- not saved the situation with a cheerful laugh, nature would have surpassed my discipline and I would have rushed at him and grabbed him by the throat.

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"After this hopeless and to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and me equally depressing consultation I soon felt that it had taken my last strength ...... I promised myself that no power on earth would make me see a doctor again ...... I no longer wished to be the laughing stock of the gentlemen physicians ...... my, and by implication also LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s, death sentence had been passed and what was important now was to live on as quietly and patiently as possible until the time-limit I had given myself had expired.

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"Daily life in the studio passed as usual. When our friends and acquaintances came to visit, I was apparently in very good spirits and I made a special effort to maintain my equi-
[Page 65]
librium towards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- because I was afraid that she would see through me ...... she, too, was in a difficult situation, she had become restless and often, when she thought I did not notice, she watched me so searchingly that I was afraid that she had a suspicion about my plans.

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"During these last weeks I felt only one desire: Music. I no longer went to concerts, I had become afraid of moving among strangers, but without caring about the price I bought all the records I could get hold of, both classical and contemporary music. Late in the evening and many times all night too I played the gramophone. I could not have enough music ...... I craved music as a thirsty person in the desert craves water, music was my only consolation, my only refuge whether it made me melt into tears or it was a tune of the day that I played over and over again until GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , unable to stand it any longer, suggested that we should dance to it ...... I literally lived on music ...... it was not out of sentimentality ...... I was rather imbued with a kind of cold calm, but I felt infinitely lost, at the mercy of a destiny that surpassed my ordinary, human intellect, and the sounds liberated me from my eternal brooding ...... When I listened to music, I did not have to think ......

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"Previously I had found distraction through books, I had gradually accumulated a whole library in the studio ...... Now I never opened a book. What pleasure would I have from reading about the destiny of other people, I knew that I would never in any book find anything about people who were like me ...... no poet had yet written about such a being, because it had never occurred to any poet that it could exist. And what could the philosophers of antiquity and the present give me when their whole thinking only dealt with men and women whose mind and soul had their own body ...... PlatoPlato (historical) -- Athenian philosopher knew that there were people whose emotional life is on the boundary between men's and women's ...... but in my ailing body two sharply divided beings lived who were foreign and almost hostile to each other, although they also had compassion with each other, because each of them knew that this body only had room for one. One of these beings had to be destroyed, or they both had to die ...... During these nights I was beyond the limit of mad-
[Page 66]
ness ...... I imagined that this body that tormented me so cruelly no longer belonged to me alone but that my share in it grew smaller day by day because it contained another being who demanded her life with my life as payment. I felt like an impostor, a usurper, controlling a body that already no longer belonged to him ...... I felt like someone who only owned the façade of his house ...... it was madness to follow these feelings to their logical end, because there was no end to them except one: that I had to go ...... That is why I could not live anymore.

– – –

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"Now and then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. still came, however, and both GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I were happy at her coming. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was happier than I, we both knew that, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. knew that she was able to comfort GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... At GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's request they often stayed together for several days ...... it was also easier for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to get through the nights when she had LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. by her side. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. fell asleep more easily, and when she slept, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- could also sleep ...... But often LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. cried without GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- discovering it. She had always had her own dream world, beautiful bright dreams – but now they were gone. Only for a few nights they had returned, and each dream had been a continuation of the previous. It was winter, and she dreamt of a spring filled with sun ...... she told GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- about her dreams, but she knew it was only a dream and she was afraid. But the next night she had an even more beautiful dream that put her fear to flight. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had quietly recorded many of her dreams in her diary and she once told me about them in a way as if it were a great secret.

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"'Don't attach too much importance to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s reverie, it's only fiction and imagination,' I replied and turned away ......

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"But these dream novels were GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s constant topic of conversation, and the only thing that gave them new courage and kept their hopes up, their ardent hope that a miracle would happen.

d1-trc09p062

"Then it was February ...... Our best friends, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- , had returned to ParisParis -- City in France. It was ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- who took me to see the German professorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- who is responsible for my being here now ...... Today it is the third of March ...... in just under two months we have the first of May ...... and then Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- will no longer exist ...... Whether LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. survives this day and will be able to continue her own life – that is in the hand of Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ."

Page 67

X.

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When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- came back to his hotel, it was almost morning. An icy cold March morning.

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He stood for a long time at the window of his hotel room and looked out across the deserted square in front of the railway station . A couple of taxi cabs were parked there and a few delayed night wanderers glided like shadows through the light falling out across the square from the glass walls of the elongated railway station hall – a tired and faded light ...... Only the morning air was fresh and awake.

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Shivering with cold he closed the window.

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He was very tired ..... but it was a pleasant tiredness, as when after a long and exhausting walk one throws down a heavy burden that has bent one's back. The walk was over. The burden no longer weighed him down. He had this night thrown it down, as he confessed to his friends and told them about his and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s – to himself so incomprehensible – double life.

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He slowly undressed and stood naked in front of the mirror. He thought of the words he had said himself: "I am as one who owns only the façade of his own house" ...... The mirror showed him this façade ...... a flawless male body.

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But what was hidden behind the façade?

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No, he would not ask any more.

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Now he would only sleep ...... a good, deep sleep.

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Behind him lay the road he had travelled. Now he was at the goal ...... and on the other side there was no longer any path for him. He was at the end of his road ...... if there were a new road, it was not his but LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s.

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He was prepared.

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This knowledge of his own fate gave him certainty, peace and equilibrium. -@Editor: PLC

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It was late in the morning when he woke up. He was in a light, almost ethereal mood. He took a bath, ate
[Page 68]
lunch, and in a light and carefree manner went out on his last visits to the doctors that appeared to him as a series of pleasant experiences.

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"I am like a traveller who has left his luggage behind," he thought, "like someone who has taken a holiday from himself." -@Editor: PLC

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But in the middle of LeipzigerstrasseLeipziger Strasse -- In Berlin, Germany he heard the loud whisper of a child's voice: "Look mummy, there is a lady in men's clothes!"

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He turned around and looked into two frightened blue eyes of a child. It was a little girl about ten years old with a thick yellowish-white pigtail. She turned scarlet and embarrassed hid behind her mother who also stared at him in astonishment and hastily pulled the child with her.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- too had turned scarlet. Now he no longer smiled. A peculiar hard defiance shot up in him ...... as if the man in him were offended. Without thinking about it and without wanting to, he placed himself in front of a shop and curiously studied his own reflection in the shiny pane ...... Then he turned away annoyed:

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"That is no concern of mine." -@Editor: PLC

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He stubbornly repeated this phrase several times ...... then he looked at his watch, it was just around the time when he was to report at Dr. Gebhard's clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin -@Editor: PLC. He stopped a taxi and exactly on time he was at the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin.

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He was received by a nurse and at once he was taken to see the senior physicianDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- -@Translator: MO, a young, blond, almost athletically built man who kindly observed him with a pair of clever, cheerful, light blue eyes in which he glimpsed a certain curiosity.

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"I've had a long telephone conversation with my friend, Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ," he said, "and therefore I'm fully aware of your case. I've also had a conversation with Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified who has examined you here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. He will be present at the operation I will perform on you ...... but that does not prevent me from wanting to speak with you a little myself ...... It is always best to form a personal impression."

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The senior physicianDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- apparently wished to give this conversation a physical basis for he asked AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to undress. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- obeyed and lay down on one of those examination benches which by now he had gotten to know thoroughly in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany.

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"Yes," the doctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- established, after a long and careful ex-
[Page 69]
amination, "you are in every respect what you pass for in civil life: a normally built man ...... but yet you have certain unconditionally female forms ...... this combination surprises me ......"

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While AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- dressed again, the senior physicianDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- walked back and forth deep in thought as he observed him continually. Only now and then he stopped to glance at his file, then he said:

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"I know that you are in a hurry ...... but it can't be today ...... shall we say that you come here tomorrow afternoon around four o'clock? Then you can spend the morning going up to Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- and have the photographs taken that Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- would like to have before the operation ...... Let me see, today is Tuesday, then we'll schedule the operation for tomorrow Wednesday evening."

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"Yes, thank you, doctor," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- answered in an almost enthusiastic tone, and after having exchanged a firm handshake with the doctor, he left the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin and was again out in the open air.

– – –

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"Then I have been given a short respite," he said to himself and looked at his watch. It was late in the afternoon and he took a cab and drove back to the hotel ...... He felt that he could not strain his body and his nerves any further ...... The previous long night when he had confessed to his friends and the noise from the strange city had been hard on him.

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"I myself won't play anymore," he said "...... I have made my bid ...... for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... therefore I must save my strength ......"

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This was his last thought before he – it was not yet eight o'clock – made himself comfortable in the wide hotel bed and fell into a dreamless sleep.

– – –

d1-trc10p029

Wednesday morning AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- left the hotel early. It was a fresh and clear March day. He walked down FriedrichsstrasseFriedrichsstrasse -- Street in Berlin, Germany, turned into Unter den LindenUnter den Linden -- and stopped at PariserplatzPariser Platz -- in front of the simple and powerful architecture of Brandenburger GateBrandenburg Gate -- . A glaring, light March sun gilded this most beautiful, almost classically pure street view of the German capital making AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- think of the wonderful squares of ParisParis -- City in France ...... German architecture too was able to
[Page 70]
produce something perfect, he thought, here a lot was to be learned. The painter had awakened in him ...... he strolled into TiergartenTiergarten -- ...... The sun shone on the emerging leaves and the old foliage from the year before shone like precious bronze. He turned into a narrow path leading him to a tiny lake where some cheerfully quacking ducks swam about and the interlacing branches of the tall trees were reflected in the smooth and almost completely still water.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- stopped. This small piece of nature in the middle of the noisy metropolis surprised him. He embraced the image ...... He had to think of other mornings that he had spent in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, in FranceFrance -- Country in Europe, and in DenmarkDenmark -- Country in Europe, where as a happy person he had listened to nature through his eyes ...... With his painter's box, easel and canvas he had walked along far away from the city and the people and had been happy about his fate, happy to be a painter and possess the ability to completely give himself up to the moment ...... The important thing was not to miss a single one of these precious moments releasing his innermost urge. Most often he painted as in a fever, he could barely wait until he had fixed to the canvas the image he absorbed through his eyes, which had been blown clean and clear by the wind during his walking, which were stronger and brighter than other people's dull eyes, and which saw ...... saw! -@Editor: PLC He had always loved that word. And he loved it even at this moment ...... In moments like this he had identified with the incomprehensible, the restless, this play between light and shadow, between colours and shapes, in the diversity of shades and in the winding curves of the lines ...... He had always appeared to himself as a fowler secretly lying in wait and using all bait until he has reached his goal.

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In this way he had created his pictures, built them up on the dead canvas with dead colours until what his eyes had learned by listening suddenly began to come alive under his brush ...... It is only an echo, he said to himself, a dull echo my pictures are ...... but yet they are an echo ...... And he felt happy, devout and humble like an initiate. These hours had been the only true and real happiness of his life. The joy he felt had belonged to him, him alone, he had not shared it with any other being, he owned it, it was his, and he had neither robbed nor stolen it from anyone else ...... It had been
[Page 71]
his wealth, his property. Could he transfer this wealth to someone else? ...... Like an anxiety he felt this question in him, never before had it appeared in his soul ...... Can one pass on one's joy to someone else? ...... It had been his joy to paint, but to him, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , this joy was irrevocably over ...... And LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.? If she survived him, would she then feel the same urge to paint? Could he as a poor compensation for the life he had stolen from her, for the many years of life, leave her this happiness, this creative zest? ...... If he could, the feeling of guilt that so often weighed him to the ground would become lighter.

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He had to think of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... She had quite different qualities than he did, in all areas she was different from him ...... With a smile he thought of how she had always loathed touching paint because she was afraid of soiling her fingers, while he often without hesitation had used his fingers as a brush ...... He burst into a loud laugh ...... here he was thinking of the inheritance that he would leave ...... but was there anything to leave at all? ...... Well, he did have a small proof, however, that he had accomplished something, the French government had bestowed an order -@Editor: PLC on him ...... this he could not share with anyone ...... oh, vanity!

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Should he turn back? He stood on a small, neat, slightly arched bridge from where he could see into a channel whose water rushed through a half open lock and fell like a cloud of dust ...... it sparkled and glittered in this waterfall en miniature.

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"Yes, I am as one who tries to sail against the current up over a waterfall," he thought, "and I feel that the current has grabbed me and overpowered me ...... I no longer know where it leads me ...... perhaps towards complete destruction ...... and yet I cannot get off the boat now that I am halfway, the decision has been made ...... there is no turning back."

– – –

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Half an hour later he arrived at Professor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- 's Institute of Sexual ScienceInstitute for Psychiatry -- Fictional name in narrative for Institut für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, Germany. He had to wait a long time for the photographer who, at the request of the doctors, was to take the photographs of his and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s common body ... What will become of all this? he asked him-
[Page 72]
self. His happy, confident mood was gone, he felt an infinite fatigue ...... He would prefer to quietly sit himself in a corner and cry.

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A lady, one of the ProfessorProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- 's assistants, came out to him in the waiting room and started a conversation with him. He confined himself to listening to her. She was very tactful and he felt that things would turn out as she said, without curiosity or emotion he listened to her words.

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"Your case," she said, "is something quite new to us, and what makes it particularly interesting to science is that you are an artist and thus in a position to analyse your emotional life. You will get to experience something incredible. First you have lived and felt as a man, and in future you will live and feel as a woman. I have to think of the Roman emperor who killed himself because he could not experience that which will now become your fate."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had the impression that it was someone else she was talking about, and that she was telling him something about this other person that he had known for a long time. But her compassionate and natural manner of speaking did him good ...... It is only the Germans who are able to combine objectivity and cordiality like this, he thought.

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When the photographer finally appeared, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had regained his outer carefree attitude ...... No relapse, now, he commanded himself, once again unconsciously appealing to his male pride -@Editor: PLC. When the photographing was over and he had left the instituteInstitute for Psychiatry -- Fictional name in narrative for Institut für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, Germany, he invited himself to a farewell lunch. He chose one of BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany's best restaurants, assembled the meal with great care, starting with lobster à l'américaine and ordered a bottle of Liebfrauenmilch.

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When he paid two hours later, the head waiter said in fluent French:

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"Monsieur has probably come here to have fun ...... BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany is also renowned for its music and theatre ...... And as to the ladies ...... here on KurfürstendammKurfürstendamm -- ......"

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"Yes," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- interrupted and added, in a fit of black humour, "here in this excellent establishment that fully matches the best restaurants in ParisParis -- City in France I see many both beautiful and really elegant and tastefully dressed women who could just as well belong in ParisParis -- City in France or RomeRome -- City in Italy ...... There are several of them
[Page 73]
for whom I would be happy to sacrifice my heart's peace, if I was not to undergo a fateful operation in a couple of hours."

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The head waiter stared at him in astonishment. -@Editor: PLC

– – –

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- drove back to the hotel where he paid his bill. Then he took a cab again and drove to ThomasiusstrasseThomasiusstrasse -- to say goodbye to his friends.

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"You certainly don't look anything like a sacrificial animal!" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative exclaimed laughing.

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But IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- threw up her hands in horror:

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"But AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ... in a few hours you are going to have surgery, and then you come here with a strong cigar in your mouth!"

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And she snatched the cigar from him.

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"What does it matter? I have just consumed my last meal before the execution, or rather I have, although it is a little early in the day, celebrated ." my Polterabend -@Translator: MO -@Editor: PLC

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- took his hand:

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"I have not once been a nurse for nothing ...... I know how to behave when you have to undergo surgery, and it is definitely not as you behave, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ...... It's childish behaviour when you go out throwing your money around like that ...... it is quite out of place ..... by the way you look quite unwell ...... NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had better go with you."

d1-trc10p052

And so it was. Without a cigar and supervised by NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- made his appearance at the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin.

d1-trc10p053

He was very anxious but everything went in a businesslike way. The two gentlemen were received by a nurse who led them into a dazzling white room smelling of all sorts of disinfectants, right next to the operating room to which the door was open. A couple of nurses were busy in there. It looked as if they were in the process of getting everything ready for an operation. A strong, sweetish smell streamed out through the door.

d1-trc10p054

Sister MarianneSøster Marianne (fictional) -- Not mentioned in A1 or G1; Historical figure not identified apologised to the gentlemen. The senior physicianDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- had been delayed and could not arrive until around six o'clock. They had to have a little patience.

d1-trc10p055

It was just before four o'clock and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative made a despairing face.

d1-trc10p056

"No, really sister, I can't stand it!" he said almost frightened. "Is there any reason why my friend and I cannot go and wait at the Romanisches CaféRomanisches Café -- A widely renowned hangout of German intelligentsia and literati in 1920s Berlin next door?"

Page 74
d1-trc10p057

After AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had solemnly promised to come back punctually they were allowed to leave. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative looked as if he were escaping.

d1-trc10p058

When they had found a seat in the caféRomanisches Café -- A widely renowned hangout of German intelligentsia and literati in 1920s Berlin right across from the shelves with newspapers, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- discovered that the newspapermanthe cripple (fictional) -- who stood only a few meters away from them was red haired and hunchbacked. In an instant he jumped up and walked back towards the man who stared at him in surprise. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- gave him a mark, put his hand on his hump for a moment, and gave him another mark. Then he walked backwards towards the man and sat on his chair beside NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative.

d1-trc10p059

"It brings luck, you know," he said, "it is an old Italian superstition ..... I'm not normally superstitious, but now I feel convinced that the operation will go well ...... If you have touched a man's hump, you are protected against all evil ...... a woman's hump on the other hand has just the opposite effect, it brings misfortune."

d1-trc10p060

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative shook his head and laughed:

d1-trc10p061

"There you see how well I take care of everything for you!"

d1-trc10p062

"And now we'll have a funeral feast with fine old Rhine wine," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- said.

d1-trc10p063

When the waiter brought the wine, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- asked for three glasses.

d1-trc10p064

"Three?" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative asked.

d1-trc10p065

"Yes, the hunchbackthe cripple (fictional) -- will have a drink with us, of course."

d1-trc10p066

The newspaperman did not hesitate although he did not understand the reason for the invitation.

d1-trc10p067

"One is not usually so well treated," he smiled looking at his hosts. He took his glass, raised it and said addressing AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- :

d1-trc10p068

"To your health, sir! May your good heart live even longer than you!"

d1-trc10p069

"Bravo! The guy speaks like a prophet!" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative shouted and gaped when he saw his friend grab the hand of the hunchbackthe cripple (fictional) -- and press it warmly. Then AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- raised his glass and said to the newspaperman as he once again touched his hump lightly with the other hand:

d1-trc10p070

"You don't how much good your words have done me ...... Let's drink to the fact that it may go as you wish."

d1-trc10p071

He clinked his glass against the hunchbackthe cripple (fictional) -- 's ..... And cheerfully they emptied the rest of the bottle.

d1-trc10p072

When they left the hunchbackthe cripple (fictional) -- looked long and seriously after them.

Page 75

XI.

d1-trc11p001

In the room waiting for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- at the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin the light was already on. A nurse led him in and took down the patient's name and the date, hung a fever chart over the bed, and asked him to go to bed at once ...... the doctor would come soon.

d1-trc11p002

"I suppose it's best if I leave right away?" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative asked.

d1-trc11p003

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- nodded with a smile:

d1-trc11p004

"Yes, old friend, by all means go. I'll make an effort to fulfill the wish of the hunchbackthe cripple (fictional) -- ."

d1-trc11p005

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative wanted to say something, but his friend pushed him towards the door.

d1-trc11p006

"You are right, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ...... I could easily go and be sentimental."

d1-trc11p007

A brief handshake and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was alone.

d1-trc11p008

He walked mechanically up and down the floor a few times. There were no thoughts in his brain. Without knowing it he began to count his steps ......that's seven paces long and six paces wide ...... He sat on the bed and looked around. It was a quite ordinary hospital room. Bright walls, bed, table and chairs – all painted white. He slowly started his undressing and suddenly he remembered that this was the last time that he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , undressed ...... that he was taking leave of his jacket, his vest his trousers, etc. ...... For a whole lifetime he had been dressed in these clothes, and as he took them off he looked at each piece for a long time ...... He placed the coat over the vest on a hanger that he hung in the closet as he had usually done since ...... Yes, since when? He still sat for a long time looking at each of his garments and passing his hand over them ...... What will become of you, he asked smiling bitterly, and what will become of me? ...... which one of us will survive the other ..... I? You? My poor clothes
[Page 76]
...... I had completely forgotten to think of you ...... perhaps you consider me a traitor to you .....

d1-trc11p009

He sat for a long time like this, like a dying man taking leave of his surroundings ...... He took his hat, which lay on the table.

d1-trc11p010

"You too ...... I had almost forgotten you ...... Haven't I forgotten other things? ......"

d1-trc11p011

He examined his jacket and took a picture from the inside breast pocket that he put on the table leaning against the wall.

d1-trc11p012

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- !" he said softly and was just going to caress it when there was a knock.

d1-trc11p013

The door was opened, and the senior physicianDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- entered accompanied by a young assistant doctor.

d1-trc11p014

"Well, how have you spent the day?" Dr. GebhardtDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- -@Editor: PLC asked him casually, "I hear that you've had a funeral feast ...... that was rather unnecessary as this initial surgery can be considered quite safe, but I'm glad that you appreciate wine. Your friend has told me which brand you drank ...... It's just a little unfortunate that it forces me to postpone the operation until tomorrow morning ...... this kind of procedure should be performed when the stomach is empty. But in order that the time will not seem too long I'll give you a sedative for the night ...... Good night and take courage!"

d1-trc11p015

Doctor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- gave him a light handshake and he was once again alone.

d1-trc11p016

"Still wait, wait, wait ...... How difficult it is to be patient, my friend," he said to the picture standing on the table beside his bed. He looked at it for a long time.

d1-trc11p017

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ," he stammered, then he fell back into the white pillows and for the first time really felt how tired and exhausted he was. The hectic days in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany only now reached his consciousness ...... Finally he was allowed to admit that his strength was spent ...... now no one saw him, not even GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , and the last remnant of male defiance in which he had sought refuge from his friends and the doctors during these painful days, as in a heavy and cumbersome armour, now fell from him.

d1-trc11p018

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... it's a good thing that you don't see me now ...... But I mustn't cry ...... I must, I have to go through with this."

d1-trc11p019

Then it occurred to him that he did not know anything about
[Page 77]
what the first operation consisted of ...... he had thought that here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany he was only to be examined and put under the observation of the doctors ...... And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- still thought so ...... he had received only a few postcards from her. It had been decided that she would go directly to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany to be with him when Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had operated on him ...... Shouldn't he send her a telegram? Wasn't it wrong of him to keep what was going to happen tomorrow a secret from her? No, why should he make her anxious – he had not himself expected that his, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- 's, fate was to end here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany ...... End? ...... He had to smile: I'm all right ...... He thought of the hunchbackthe cripple (fictional) -- and of his words. -@Editor: PLC

d1-trc11p020

He had paper and a fountain pen lying on the table and he wrote:

d1trc11l01ha

BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, Wednesday evening, March 4th

d1trc11l01hb

Dear, sweet, little GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- !

d1trc11l01p01

Tomorrow morning I will have surgery ...... The doctor says that it is a small and quite harmless operation, that is why I have not asked you to come ...... Should things turn out differently, however, then I will tell you now tonight that I will think of you every hour, every minute until the last moment, my brave and loyal little comrade, my dearest friend. My last wish concerns you and your future happiness ...... You will inherit the happy disposition that was once mine ...... in this way my soul will always live on within you ––– a thousand kisses from LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ......

d1trc11l01fa

Yours and only yours

d1trc11l01fb

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- .

– – –

d1-trc11p021

An hour later IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- came to see him. He handed her the letter and asked her to give it to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- if ......

d1-trc11p022

"You silly, silly man -@Translator: MO ...... It has to go well. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative has already told me about your special guardian angel and his hump ......"

d1-trc11p023

At ten o'clock the assistant doctor returned to give AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- the promised sleeping powder. Shortly afterwards the nurse came and prepared the room for the night ...... she turned the light off ......and everything was quiet.

d1-trc11p024

In this, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- 's last night, his sleep was deep and without dreams. He was
[Page 78]
allowed to sleep until the doctors came in the morning. He had barely had time to make the necessary toilette when Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified stood beside his bed and asked him to sign a statement saying that he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , underwent the surgery according to his own wish, and that Dr. GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- would be exempt from any responsibility if the operation was unsuccessful.

d1-trc11p025

"With pleasure," he said, and immediately signed the statement that was addressed to some higher authority, thinking:

d1-trc11p026

"In other words, this means that if I die it's no use that I come and make a fuss afterwards."

d1-trc11p027

"Can't I add a few lines?" he asked. "I so much want to express my gratitude to the German doctors because they will ty to save me."

d1-trc11p028

But the ProfessorProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified shook his head with a smile:

d1-trc11p029

"No, that is not possible ...... Now you'll stay quietly in bed, we will anesthetize you here in your bed ...... it is the most comfortable for you ...... Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- has wished to be notified by phone as soon as the operation is over."

d1-trc11p030

When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was alone again, he took his fountain pen and hastily wrote down the following lines:

d1trc11l02ha

Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ,

d1trc11l02p01

At the last moment before my surgery, I feel compelled to convey to you my most heartfelt thanks. Since the day I met you in ParisParis -- City in France, I have been full of hope, and here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany where I did not know a single one of the doctors who have examined me and assisted me, I have all the time had the feeling that an invisible power was watching over me and opening all doors for me. I know that this power is you, and that all the good that I have met comes from you. Whatever happens I am infinitely grateful to you ...... my life depends entirely on you. -@Editor: PLC

d1trc11l02fa

Very faithfully yours

d1trc11l02fb

Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- .

– – –

d1-trc11p031

With a feeling of infinite relief AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- sank back into the bed. Now everything was arranged ...... in a few minutes the waiting would be over.

Page 79
d1-trc11p032

And in this moment when he was on the threshold of the unknown, he suddenly remembered a winter day in ParisParis -- City in France. Tired and miserable, tormented by pain, he had sought refuge in the old church, Saint Germain des Prés . He had never been there before, but he had gone there to rest in the incense scented twilight of the venerable room under the high vaults that had looked down on the hopes and sufferings of so many generations. On one of the pillars hung a peculiar and very beautiful gothic picture: a MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference. There he had stopped and he who since his childhood had never said a prayer and who considered himself to be completely irreligious had knelt between a pair of old women, folded his hands, and prayed to the gothic MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference:

d1-trc11p033

"You who are love and mercy, help me! Free me from my disheartened and sick body and let me die ...... or let a miracle happen!"

d1-trc11p034

It had seemed to him that the MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference had looked at him with a smile ...... A few days later, he had met Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- .

d1-trc11p035

And now he lay here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany waiting for the miracle to begin. Had MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference really heard his prayer? When he left ParisParis -- City in France, he had found an old, Spanish, miniature, silver MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference in his wallet. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had once discovered it in an antique shop in SevilleSeville -- , and happy she had shown him the small piece of jewellery.

d1-trc11p036

"Do you know," she said, "I have a feeling, that the pretty little MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference has been waiting for us there in the basement ...... she'll be our talisman."

d1-trc11p037

Since then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had worn the ornament day and night on a fine chain, and without him noticing it, she had given it to him at his departure ...... cautiously he kissed the small image. -@Editor: PLC

d1-trc11p038

A moment later the assistant doctor came:

d1-trc11p039

"Now then, you'll have a little injection, and when you wake up again, it will all be over."

– – –

d1-trc11p040

When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- woke up again, in acute pain, it was almost noon. With a scream he opened his eyes. At first he thought, terrified, that he had woken up too soon and that he was still on the operating table ...... but gradually he realised
[Page 80]
that he was lying in his bed. He remembered that the assistant doctor had given him an injection but after that everything vanished in a fog ...... then he discovered that two nurses were bent over him and spoke to him reassuringly. Little by little his consciousness became more and more clear, but at the same time the pain grew more intense ..... he clenched his teeth ...... he did not want to scream ...... and he did not scream again.

d1-trc11p041

"Was I very noisy?" he asked.

d1-trc11p042

"Well," one of them answered with a smile, "you did make a little noise ...... and what was most strange was that your voice was completely changed. In a high, light woman's voice you called out: 'Don't leave me ...... don't leave me ...... I'm so alone ...... and I can't be alone yet ...... I'm afraid to ......'"

d1-trc11p043

The senior physicianDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- came in, took his hand and pressed it lightly.

d1-trc11p044

"You are doing quite well ...... allow me to pay you a compliment ...... you have a wonderful soprano voice ...... just ask the nurses ...... you must preserve that, it can bring you a lot of pleasure later in life."

d1-trc11p045

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- wanted to speak but the doctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- was already off again. "Give him an injection," he had whispered to one of the nurses in passing.

d1-trc11p046

"Give him an injection," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- said like a child who repeats a word without knowing what it means ...... And shortly afterwards the quiet grey fog closed around him again.

d1-trc11p047

Towards evening he was woken by a fit of coughing. He had the feeling that his whole body would be torn to pieces, it was horrible. He tried to suppress his cough, he had never imagined that coughing could be so extremely painful. But he did not succeed. One of the nurses sat beside the bed and looked at him in bewilderment ...... she dared not give him something to drink.

d1-trc11p048

Finally the fit was over. He was quite exhausted. The nurse wiped the sweat off his brow.

d1-trc11p049

"I suppose you have smoked a lot," she said, "perhaps even yesterday."

d1-trc11p050

On the table beside him lay a package of cigarettes.

d1-trc11p051

"Take them away, throw that rubbish out the window," he asked, "I'll never smoke again in my life ...... I swear to it."

d1-trc11p052

And he remembered the cigar that IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- had
[Page 81]
taken from him yesterday – it was AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' very last cigar ...... A new fit of coughing later in the evening increased his aversion to tobacco. He could not imagine ever taking a cigarette again ...... and this distaste for smoking was passed on to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

d1-trc11p053

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was permitted to look in on him for a moment.

d1-trc11p054

"Well, you are doing splendidly," he said.

d1-trc11p055

"Oh yes, but it hurts," AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- answered, and at the sound of his voice NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative looked at the nurse in astonishment.

d1-trc11p056

"Yes," she whispered, "it's a completely different voice."

d1-trc11p057

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative sat down on the chair by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- :

d1-trc11p058

"IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- sends her warmest regards ...... she'll come tomorrow morning, and she'll bring something that will please you ...... But what is the matter?"

d1-trc11p059

"I can't stand it ...... You'd better go ...... It's the pain!"

d1-trc11p060

The nurse beckoned to NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative. He tiptoed out of the room, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- begged to have a new injection ...... He had several in the course of the night.

d1-trc11p061

The following day he felt as exhausted as after wandering through a desert. The pains were still there, but they had become more distant and more subdued, at least as long as he did not move.

d1-trc11p062

"Do not think about the pain at all," the nurse said, "just lie still and don't move."

d1-trc11p063

"Just lie still and don't move." Like a child he kept on repeating the words ...... Only now and then a question rose to the surface in him: Who am I ...... What am I?

d1-trc11p064

The next morning IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- came with a big bottle of Eau de Cologne and fresh flowers whose scent filled the sickroom. As a thirsty person he put his face among the flowers. Never in his life had he imagined that the smell of flowers could be such a heavenly gift.

d1-trc11p065

And how good IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- was! Silently and smiling she slid around the small room like a mother with her sick child, he thought, while she made the nurse bring her a vase and arranged the flowers. Then she spread a beautiful, multicoloured silk scarf, which she had brought in her purse, over the table and placed the flowers on the windowsill. When she was done, she sat beside the bed and gently stroked the trembling hands of the patient while she spoke softly and
[Page 82]
encouragingly to him ...... She had always been on formal terms with him, but now she was on familiar terms ...... this did not occur to him until a few days later ...... and during these first days she avoided calling him by any name.

d1-trc11p066

"Now everything will be well! ...... You just have to be confident and patient ...... Life will be wonderful for you ...... trust me, I know."

d1-trc11p067

Then she stopped talking – she just sat quietly and let her cool hand slide over his feverish forehead ...... He forgot his anxiety and his pain and settled down a little ...... Time passed ...... as in dreams he heard her slip away ...... and he fell asleep.

d1-trc11p068

Every morning she came back with new flowers and good words. A day passed, two days, three days. Most of the time he was like a child who has not yet woken up to real life ...... And the nights which the sleeping medicine brought him through were without dreams.

d1-trc11p069

One day IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- brought a particularly splendid bouquet of spring flowers and, blissful, he wanted to kiss her hands:

d1-trc11p070

"You are my good angel, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- ."

d1-trc11p071

But she stopped him:

d1-trc11p072

"No, today you mustn't thank me ...... it's not from me, it's from a good, distant friend."

d1-trc11p073

"Is it from Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost?"

d1-trc11p074

IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- nodded. Then she opened the small white letter placed in the bouquet and read:

d1-trc11p075

"Each flower in this bouquet is a greeting to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.!"

d1-trc11p076

For a long time AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- hid his face in the flowers, and IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- could not see that his eyes were filled with tears. Then he asked:

d1-trc11p077

"I wonder if ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost will ever find her again?"

d1-trc11p078

"Who do you mean?"

d1-trc11p079

"His LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

d1-trc11p080

He scribbled a thank you on a card and handed it to IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- :

d1-trc11p081

"Will you send this for me?"

d1-trc11p082

Without wanting to, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- had happened to look at the handwriting.

d1-trc11p083

"Did you write this?"

d1-trc11p084

"Yes, you saw that, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- !"

d1-trc11p085

"Well, then she is already there, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost's LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.! See for yourself."

d1-trc11p086

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- looked at the card and did not recognize his own handwriting ...... it was a woman's writing.

Page 83
d1-trc11p087

IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- ran out to the assistant doctor who was standing in the corridor and handed him the card:

d1-trc11p088

"Look at this, doctor, no man could have written this, right?"

d1-trc11p089

"No," the doctor admitted surprised, "you are right, it's a new sign ...... right after the other."

d1-trc11p090

"What do you mean?"

d1-trc11p091

"Haven't you noticed the voice? ...... It is no longer a man's voice."

d1-trc11p092

"Oh, you!" IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- exclaimed when she was back in the sick-room ...... she could not say any more, she was crying.

– – –

d1-trc11p093

When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was alone, he very softly said a few words to listen to his own voice ...... Was it really true? ...... And he continued to speak until the words faded away and he dozed off again.

d1-trc11p094

Suddenly he was torn from his sleep. It was night. A horrible scream passed through the thin wall into the darkness of his room. A scream he had never heard the like of. At first he thought that it was he himself who had screamed ...... but no, there was another scream, it sounded as if it were a young animal being tortured to death ...... He could not stand it any more ...... It must be someone who was being murdered.

d1-trc11p095

"Help! Help!" he shouted and rang the bell furiously.

d1-trc11p096

The door was torn open and the nurse rushed breathlessly to him.

d1-trc11p097

"For heaven's sake, what's the matter with you?"

d1-trc11p098

"With me?"

d1-trc11p099

He looked at her in bewilderment, then he heard the scream again ...... and now he realised that it came from the room next to his.

d1-trc11p100

"Who is screaming, Sister? Is someone dying?"

d1-trc11p101

The nurse smiled:

d1-trc11p102

"No, on the contrary, someone is being born ...... it's a young lady next door who has had her first child, a lovely little girl ...... but now it's over ...... Can you hear, she is no longer screaming ...... and in a few days we'll have her back on her feet again. But I understand that you were frightened, it is not very pleasant when you are not used to it." -@Editor: PLC

Page 84
d1-trc11p103

He did not know what to answer. He only felt a strange, deep shame ...... then he began to cry. The nurse stayed for a long time and tried in vain to calm him ...... then she fetched the syringe – and everything, anxiety and shame, this new, unknown sense of shame, all the many urgent questions sank into the usual fog.

d1-trc11p104

Later the nurse told him that she had stayed with him until morning, and that all the time he had whispered:

d1-trc11p105

"Yes, yes, that is how I'll have to give birth to myself!"

d1-trc11p106

She did not know that the person who said these words had already become another being. -@Editor: PLC

– – –

d1-trc11p107

The next morning IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- said, beaming with joy:

d1-trc11p108

"Can you guess who will be here in three days?"

d1-trc11p109

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ?"

d1-trc11p110

"Yes, here is her letter."

d1-trc11p111

He was just about to start reading it when the senior physicianDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- entered.

d1-trc11p112

"Oh, you are just the man we are looking for, doctor, when do you think that I can begin to get out of bed?"

d1-trc11p113

"Do you want to get out of bed? There is no rush ... You are doing quite well here in your bed with such a lovely, merciful sister to care for you," the doctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- replied and gallantly kissed IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- 's hand.

d1-trc11p114

"Yes, that's true ...... but in three days my wife will come."

d1-trc11p115

The doctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- was startled and looked first at the assistant doctor and then at IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- :

d1-trc11p116

"Well, yes, that's true ...... but we had better wait, nevertheless ...... it's possible that your wife will find you somewhat changed."

d1-trc11p117

He left the room quickly with his assistant, but AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had time to see that he was at pains to suppress his amusement.

d1-trc11p118

"Why did he laugh at me?" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- asked, "did I say something wrong?"

d1-trc11p119

"Stupid LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.!"

d1-trc11p120

That was all IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- could answer.

Page 85

XII.

d1-trc12p001

Three days later, early in the morning, even before they had finished the cleaning, which was seen to by the scrubbing ward maids and the shiny white nurses, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- appeared, elegant, fresh from a good night's sleep, wrapped in fur, Parisienne from head to foot.

d1-trc12p002

The nurse on duty immediately knew who she was.

d1-trc12p003

"Oh, it's Mrs. SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- isn't it?" she said ......"let me show you the way ...... You are eagerly expected ...... Please, excuse the disorder here, we haven't yet finished the morning cleaning."

d1-trc12p004

GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- took off her right glove and held out her hand to the nurse. She had to suppress a little smile as she saw how her red fingernails and her even redder lips and most of all the fragrance emanating from her fur and mingling with the smell in the corridor of green soap and well-scrubbed floors made them all stare at her. -@Editor: PLC

d1-trc12p005

Then she was in the sickroom.

d1-trc12p006

She had come in without making the slightest noise. The morning sun touched the white bed in which she saw a pale face rising as if woken from a dream. Two big, deep, brown eyes looked towards her and the lips quivered but remained mute. -@Editor: PLC

d1-trc12p007

With open arms GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- stopped as if petrified in the middle of the room without being able to move. She fought back her tears. But she would not cry ...... she wanted to smile. She wanted to say hello with a few happy words ...... but the big, brown eyes held her ...... a few infinitely long seconds passed ...... then a narrow ray of sun touched the patient's face, passed over the dark eyes whose look lit up in a beginning exultation and enkindled a silvery lustre ...... the lustre of two pearly tears ...... Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- tore herself from her astonishment ...... and sobbing sank on her knees in front of the sick bed.

Page 86
d1-trc12p008

What these two people felt at their reunion, what they lived through and said to each other during this silent time together – words cannot render. -@Editor: PLC

d1-trc12p009

Late in the evening when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was alone with her confused thoughts and conflicting emotions she wrote the following letter to her friend in ParisParis -- City in France, to Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost:

d1trc12l01p01

"What I have experienced today, I cannot describe ...... I can only suggest, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, not explain. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is dead ...... I could no longer find him. But I found a pale and lovely creature. It was LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and yet not her, not the LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. we knew in ParisParis -- City in France, but someone else, an entirely new creature. Her voice, the expression in her eyes, her handshake, everything was new ... Is it a transformation or is it a being who is in the process of finding herself? I suppose it must be the latter. She is so womanly and untouched by life ...... no, womanly is not the right word, I would rather call it girlish, almost childlike, shy and insecure with a thousand questions on her lips ...... I feel as if I am faced with a wonder, and I am much too moved and fascinated to be able to find the right words ...... And at the same time I know that unimaginable sufferings still await her before her soul is completely disentangled from the mantle enclosing it ...... What a destiny, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost! I shudder when I try to think it through. It is a mercy from heaven that she is still too weak to look back or forward, she herself is barely able to realise her present condition. I talked to the doctors ......This first operation has only been the beginning of the sex transformation that now is to develop clinically, but so far everything has gone better than could be expected ...... AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has now ceased to exist, they say, the glands, which made him a man, have been removed. What has to be done next will be done in DresdenDresden -- City in Germany by Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ...... The doctors also said something about hormones, and I pretended to understand what they meant ...... Now I have looked it up in a medical book, and it says that "Hormones are stimulating or rousing substances belonging to the internal secretion and accelerating, possibly sparking off the activity of other organs." That did not tell me much ...... But what use is wisdom and
[Page 87]
knowledge when it comes to a miracle? I can only believe in it. What I experienced at the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin appears to me as the solution to the mystery which through the many difficult years has tormented AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and us who lived with him and which has seemed quite insoluble to us ...... But the solution has yet not been completed. I know it, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. suspects it ...... Her innermost being is still tied and bound, and only Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- will be in a position to undo the ties. Everyone here, the doctors, the nurses, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- observe with wonder the great external change that has happened to 'the little patient,' but they do not really know if they should still consider this suffering being a man, or if they should already address her as a woman. And what is their astonishment against mine? Day in and day out I lived with this poor, sick person. We have only been apart the few weeks since he left ParisParis -- City in France, and now I am facing a new person whom I almost do not know. And what has happened to me will happen to you and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- to whom you must show this letter for I cannot bear to write any more ...... I must only add that when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., this new, sweet LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., like a little sister – yes, that is how I felt – sought refuge in my arms crying, she stammered:

d1trc12l01p02

'Are you angry with me because ...... because AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- robbed you of your most beautiful years? ......'

d1trc12l01p03

I was so shocked, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, that I almost could not utter a word ...... and when I finally felt able to say what I felt, I did not dare ...... It is not me, not me, whom AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has deceived, it is herself, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., my sweet pale LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. whom he betrayed by depriving her of her life as a young girl ...... ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, you and I must do everything we can to help this betrayed LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and make up for what AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has done to her ......"

– – –

d1-trc12p010

The next morning, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had spent the night at a hotel, the head nurse suggested putting another bed into the sick room so that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , before the departure to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany which was to take place a few days later, could be close to the patient all the time.

d1-trc12p011

"How nice," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- answered gratefully, took the nurse's hand and pulled her into the side room that was vacant. She
[Page 88]
quickly fetched a suitcase which she had left standing in the hallway, opened it and whispered softly:

d1-trc12p012

"Dear Sister, let me show you something, and then we will speak no more of him." -@Editor: PLC

d1-trc12p013

She took a lovely silk négligé out from the suitcase:

d1-trc12p014

"Isn't it beautiful?"

d1-trc12p015

"Yes, it will become you wonderfully, madam."

d1-trc12p016

"Me? ...... No it is not for me, it is for ...... for our sweet little friend in there. But," she laid her finger with the painted red nail on her mouth, "hush, it's a secret ...... until tomorrow morning."

d1-trc12p017

Next morning a still slightly pale and timid, but infinitely delighted young lady sat upright in the white sick bed in a delicately scented Parisian négligé supported by the pillows. The assistant doctor almost could not believe his own eyes when he saw this transformation:

d1-trc12p018

"My compliments, Miss! ...... If you promise me to be very brave and very careful you'll have permission to get up for a couple of hours today and move over to the armchair so that you can show yourself to the wondering world ...... but only for two hours and you must stay in this room ...... we must proceed cautiously."

d1-trc12p019

Several of the nurses found a pretext for going into the sick room during the day and the head nurse maternally took LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in her arms and whispered:

d1-trc12p020

"Now you just have to be brave!" -@Editor: PLC

d1-trc12p021

That was all, no curiosity and no questions, and when the senior physicianDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- came to visit with his patient in the evening he, as if it were a matter of course, gallantly took her hand and kissed it saying:

d1-trc12p022

"Good evening, Mademoiselle, I see that you are still doing well!"

d1-trc12p023

Only then did he see GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- :

d1-trc12p024

"I apologize ....."

d1-trc12p025

LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. hastened to introduce:

d1-trc12p026

"This is my ...... this is Mrs. Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ."

d1-trc12p027

For a moment GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and the doctor looked at each other with restrained emotion. Then the doctor said with a good-natured laugh:

d1-trc12p028

"Yes, I know that you were married to the missing Andreas Sparre.Andreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili --
[Page 89]
But what can one say? Men are faithless ...... you never know where you are with them."

d1-trc12p029

It was as if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in the first days -@Editor: PLC did not really take part in what was happening around her. Without showing any surprise she heard the nurses call her "Miss" or " Miss LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ," but neither with a word nor a movement did she answer the surprised looks of her friends.

d1-trc12p030

"We must leave her alone," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- said to IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, "she is resting within herself ...... it is all just a passing phase ......the preparation of the free development of her nature."

d1-trc12p031

During this period GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- carefully kept her diary. Every evening she wrote down her observations and the experiences she had had with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. during the day. In simple, hesitant words she sought to trace the obscure and difficult path along which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. walked her first steps ......

d1-trc12p032

Here is a single page of this diary:

d1trc12d01p01

"With admirable patience LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. endures the after-effects of the surgery although she cries and moans a little morning and evening when the dressing has to be changed, clamps have to be removed and thread pulled out. But she does not complain. 'It must be done,' she says with a resignation which I have never known in her before. She has only one wish, to get to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany as soon as possible, to her own professorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , that is what she calls him ...... She never speaks about the past ...... Often I have the impression that she has not had any past, as if she has no present either, as if she just exists in the expectation of the life Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- will give her."

d1-trc12p033

Another day GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- wrote:

d1trc12d02p01

... "Without LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s knowledge, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- and I have made preparations for her journey to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany. Today we went shopping, and we returned to the clinic with a big multicoloured box.

d1trc12d02p02

'Try to guess what this is?' I said.

d1trc12d02p03

LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked at us and replied without a smile:

d1trc12d02p04

'No, I can't!'

d1trc12d02p05

IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- cut through the string and pulled a lovely brown fur coat out of the box.

d1trc12d02p06

'This is for you, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.,' IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- said and spread the coat in front of her and showed her the lovely, soft silk lining ......'

Page 90
d1trc12d02p07

'That is sweet of you, she answered, but do you think that Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- will approve if I make my appearance dressed like that ...... I only hope he can recognise me ......'

d1trc12d02p08

And her eyes became sad ...... Oh God, her eyes! ...... Really, they are sad, also when she laughs. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' eyes were quite different ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s too, back home in ParisParis -- City in France ...... It is as if the new LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s eyes are not yet properly awake ...... as if they still do not believe ...... or maybe they are afraid to show what they believe."

– – –

d1-trc12p034

It was still winter in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. a few days later, wrapped in her first new fur coat, was permitted to leave the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin for a couple of hours. The senior physicianDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- had prescribed a drive.

d1-trc12p035

"We must practice for the great journey to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany," he declared, "we must have a little fresh air, show ourselves among people, gather strength."

d1-trc12p036

"Among people" ... These words made LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. listen. She was seized by a secret fear, but she did not let the others feel it ...... NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- picked her up ...... and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- never left her side.

d1-trc12p037

When LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. stood in front of the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin, weak and supported by NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative' arm, the fear came over her again. She felt frightened like a prisoner who is newly released to freedom under the bright, blue sky ...... She looked around as if she were afraid that everything around her was only a delusion, and she hesitated to step forward.

d1-trc12p038

"Come on, child," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- whispered to her softly.

d1-trc12p039

"She is conceited, she wants to walk alone," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative said.

d1-trc12p040

"No, no," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. exclaimed alarmed, "you mustn't let me go ...... Don't let me stand alone ...... I ...... I just wanted to breathe for a moment, it's been so long since I've breathed in the fresh air."

d1-trc12p041

When LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was in the car, she huddled up against GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and closed her eyes for a long time:

d1-trc12p042

"Don't mind me ...... I must get used to it all first ...... all of it."

d1-trc12p043

And like a blind person she drove through the roaring bustle of KurfürstendammKurfürstendamm -- , like a sleep walker, silent and withdrawn......

Page 91
d1-trc12p044

The trip lasted two hours ...... Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- brought the exhausted patient back to the sick bed ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had barely picked at the food that was brought to her before she fell asleep, a sleep that lasted until the next morning.

d1-trc12p045

In the afternoon NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative picked them up again. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was already much more composed.

d1-trc12p046

"Today I won't be so boring," she said, "I even long for people."

d1-trc12p047

"Aren't we people?" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative asked jokingly.

d1-trc12p048

"Yes, but for strangers ...... yes, I would like to once again see a stranger."

d1-trc12p049

"Very good, an excellent idea," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative said, and told them that they were to dine at home with him and IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- to celebrate the day.

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He stopped the car at a phone booth and got out. He just wanted to let IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- know that they were on their way, he said, when he returned with a very mysterious air.

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- opened the front door for them and handed LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. a large bouquet of roses.

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"There, now just be brave, LilichenLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.," she said, "you'll have everything your heart desires ...... also a stranger ...... a young woman from CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark ." It was her NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had telephoned so that she could meet "one of our French friends who just arrived from ParisParis -- City in France." "Don't be afraid, she doesn't know you."

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"For God's sake," said LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and she shrank back.

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"No nonsense, you'll have to play French," IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- declared, "she knows that you speak neither Danish nor German and she herself does not understand a word of French ...... I have told her that you have just been through a serious illness and that you are still very weak. Don't make any nonsense, practicing will do you good ...... and remember, you don't understand what we say."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative took LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s arm and quickly pulled her into the living room. Before she had come to her senses she sat with her large bouquet of roses in a deep, soft armchair, the same chair in which Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had spent all night confessing to his friends barely three weeks ago.

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"Just stick to it!" IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- whispered to her.

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"Yes, you are right, I will, if only it won't last too long."

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The door opened and a young actress from CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark Karen Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg with whom GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had spent an evening a few years ago stood in front of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ......

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. thought that her heart would stop beating. A feverish blush rose to her face ...... No, she said to herself, no, no.

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But no one noticed her nervousness.

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"May I be permitted to introduce," IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- smiled, " Miss Karen WarrenKaren Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg ...... Mademoiselle Julie HumbertLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... Mrs. Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ."

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"Oh, we already know each other," the actressKaren Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg cried, "how is your husband, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ?"

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- informed them that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was doing splendidly but that he was so overloaded with work that he had to stay in ParisParis -- City in France ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. sat quite still and pretended that the Danish sentences did not make any impression on her. Each of Miss WarrenKaren Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg's questions and the others' responses were at once considerately translated into French. The maid announced that dinner was served, and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative ceremonially offered LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. his arm and led her into the dining room. She behaved just as a perfect Parisienne who had never in her life heard a word of Danish. Danish and French were spoken alternately. Miss WarrenKaren Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg expressed herself unreservedly about LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s delightful attire.

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"One immediately sees that the costume is from ParisParis -- City in France," she said, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could hardly to suppress her mirth. Everything she was wearing had been bought in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany a few days ago ...... But she kept a straight face although she many times had to bite her tongue not to blurt out a remark in Danish ...... The dinner lasted for almost two hours and the atmosphere became quite animated ...... there was a lot of laughter and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. joined in as soon as the reason for the laughter was explained to her in French ......

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But then she suddenly was not able to go on ...... she was close to dropping from faintness ...... and she asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to accompany her back to the hotel. With a smile she said goodbye to Miss WarrenKaren Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg who promised her that next time they met she would be able to speak a little French.

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"And you, Mrs. SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , please give my warmest regards to your husband."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative drove them back to the clinic.

Page 93
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"No," he declared, "this I would never have thought it possible to carry through, now I believe in miracles!"

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had collapsed completely from fatigue. Silent she rode through the noisy cityBerlin -- City in Germany where all the lights were now on ...... Thousands and thousands of electric lights sparkled and shone. There was no smile on her face. When the car stopped in front of the clinic NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had to carry her up to her room. She slept ....... She did not see the huge bouquet of lilacs standing on the table. Only the next day when she woke up after having slept about twelve hours did she learn that the sweet smelling purple flowers were a spring greeting from the distant Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost ......

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"Imagine that she was not able to recognise me," she said almost wistfully.

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"But child," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- objected smiling, "it should make you glad ......there is no one ...... no one at all who knows LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... my new LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... out in the world ...... You are only about to start life."

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That day GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- could not yet understand, not yet comprehend, that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s sadness was the fear of not finding friends.

Page 94

XIII.

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The next morning a message came from Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . Everything was ready for the patient to arrive if her -@Editor: PLC condition allowed her to make the journey to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany. Before her departure, however, she had to pay one more visit to Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified who had examined Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- 's blood a few weeks ago and now had to make a new blood examination.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- read the letter to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and her voice trembled with emotion but she pulled herself together:

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"Good, then we have come so far ...... When do you think that you will be fit for the journey?"

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"We'll go tomorrow morning, of course."

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"That's fine, but then we have to see Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified today."

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"And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- rushed into the hall to call the doctor's biochemical laboratory Dr. Karner's laboratory -- and make the appointment."

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Some minutes later she returned to announce that the doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified was not available for another hour. She found LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. standing by the window with the letter from Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- in her hand.

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"Come, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., let's set off right away, then we can walk there, a little walk will do you good."

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"No, no, no! ...... Not walk," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. cried like a child who is frightened, "I dare not, not yet, I don't have the courage to show myself on the street."

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And she began to cry.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- gently patted her cheek:

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"Good, then we won't, then we'll take a cab there."

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On the way GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- accidentally said that Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified's female assistant, with whom she had spoken, had not been able to understand her name.

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"But then the connection was bad, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- added."

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By chance they arrived at the laboratoryDr. Karner's laboratory -- at the same time as the doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified.

Page 95
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"Hello, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified," said LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., who immediately recognized him and held out her hand.

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"Hello, madam," Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified answered, as he was evidently searching his memory for her name.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was unhappy and looked at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- – as if to get help – then she stammered shyly:

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"I ...... I come from Doctor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- 's clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin ...... it is at the request of Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ...... I am Lili SparreLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

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It was the first time that she pronounced her new name, she heard herself say it, and an inexplicable feeling of shame coloured her cheeks red. She looked fixedly at the doctor:

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"Do you really not recognise me?"

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"Yes ...... yes ...... of course," the doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified answered, no less confused than LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. One could clearly tell that he had no idea of who was standing before him.

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"It is about a blood sample, as I understand it," he nervously added and led the two ladies through the hall into the waiting room where he asked them to wait a moment.

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"Yes, but do you really still not recognise me?" asked LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who now could not help but smile. Also GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's eyes were shining with mirth.

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The doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified was even more confused:

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"Sparre? Sparre? ...... Yes, now I remember ...... some weeks ago a Mr. SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- came to see me ...... he was sent here by Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, but I do not remember having seen you, Madam ......"

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"The gentleman and I were -@Editor: PLC one and the same person," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. explained.

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"I beg your pardon?"

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Suddenly a light seemed to dawn on the doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified:

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"Oh, now I understand ....... The ladies are from abroad ...... yes, of course."

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He looked at his watch a little absent-mindedly and bowed to them:

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"Please excuse me, I just have to make some preparations."

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Then he disappeared, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

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"I really don't think he recognized me ...... it's marvellous."

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A young nurse had arrived and asked them to follow her. Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified was waiting for them in the laboratory, where AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili --
[Page 96]
had already been. He took a small, thin glass syringe and said, still a little uncertain:

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"Will you be so kind as to sit down and pull up your sleeve ...... all the way up over the elbow ...... so that we can find a vein ....... Thank you, that was very good madam!"

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"Madam" ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. never thought she had heard anything so clearly, it was as if her ears could not let go of the word ...... It remained hanging in the air as she looked fixedly at the syringe which the doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified with a quick jerk had stuck deeply into her white skin and whose glass container now slowly filled with her blood. "Madam!" It sounded as if it came from the blood flowing from her veins ...... and then she fainted.

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When she regained consciousness, she looked around timidly.

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She was lying on the operating table, and the doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified stood beside her smiling.

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"Have I been lying here long?"

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"No, not at all, madam, only a few minutes ...... Did it really hurt that much?"

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"Hurt? ...... No, no ......" LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. answered and looked around her bewildered ...... I don't understand what came over me ...... I am otherwise not sensitive at all, surely you must know that.

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"At least your husband was not ...... I understood you correctly, didn't I? ...... Mr. SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is your husband, isn't he? ...... I know that German is a very difficult language for all foreigners ...... one easily happens to express oneself incorrectly ...... Do you know that you told me that you and your husband were one and the same person?"

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The doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified laughed heartily and continued before LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could get a word in:

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"By the way I have to say that I admire your husband ...... he was very ill and worn out when he came up to see me, but he didn't complain ...... he would not even speak about his illness ... We discussed politics, I remember, and he gave a long speech about the political situation in France while I took a sample of his blood ...... I know that it is not quite painless, but he did not even flinch, while you ......"

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"Yes but DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified ......"

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"Please ...... you don't have to be ashamed
[Page 97]
of that at all, it is not a crime! ...... You are a representative of the weaker sex after all, while your husband, if I may express myself as a doctor, appeared to me to be the prototype of the masculini generis."

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"Dear Doctor," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had risen, she laughed out loud and looked the doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified in the eye almost overly confident, "you have no idea what moral support you have given me with those words."

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"Support?" The doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified inquiringly bent over her hand and kissed it "...... I assure you ...... I admire you at least as much."

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"That is excellent. Thank you doctor, till we meet again!"

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"Till we meet again ...... please give my regards to your husband!"

– – –

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , my dear," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. said when they were down on the street, "so now I have come so far that I can see the comedy of the situation without a murmur ... it even amuses me and that is just as well ...... otherwise I think that I would have gone mad ...... and that must not happen ...... I must keep going until ...... until I have found myself completely ...... So far, I have the feeling that I experience everything ...... The dinner yesterday with the young woman from CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark Karen Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, and now the visit here with the doctor ...... everything as in a kind of twilight state."

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That very evening GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- wrote in her diary:

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"So LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is still seeking confirmation of herself ... and it will be long before she fully understands that she really exists ...... And they will not make it easy for her ....... by 'they' I mean everyone who knew AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ......"

– – –

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"Come," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. said, "now I feel so well that I dare to walk on the street."

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And from Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified's laboratoryDr. Karner's laboratory -- they walked in good spirits through the bustle of the cityBerlin -- City in Germany. It was a young, fresh, sunny spring day. The sky was without clouds and blue as silk. The air felt like a caress. All the people they met had a bright, cheerful, and carefree expression in their eyes."

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"Do you also think I can get to look like that? LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. asked several times."

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They walked arm in arm and often they stopped in front of the shop windows
[Page 98]
whose displays were intended to tempt women. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. never tired of looking at the beautiful and expensive things and she looked at her reflection in all the windows.

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"Tell me GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , do I look good in my fur coat? ...... or do I look different from ...... from you? ......"

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- smiled, she did not need to lie:

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"Good Lord, just think of Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified ...... and be happy that we have come this far."

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. did not ask again. But now and then, she glanced searchingly at people who passed her. The same question was still working within her, but she did not express it. She made an effort to force a smile, and again and again she whispered to herself:

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"No one knows me and my fate here in this big cityBerlin -- City in Germany. No one suspects me ...... no one ...... I can walk undisturbed, alone with my secret ..... no one betrays me. It is a beautiful, bright day and the sun is shining ...... And the sun will be more wonderful and I'll experience it, yes ...... yes ...... yes ......."

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Tired, she hung by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's arm.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ," she said at one point, "I hope you're not ashamed of me? ......"

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"Ashamed, what do you mean?"

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"Nothing, nothing at all ...... So tomorrow we travel to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany...... I'm happy that NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative will go with us ...... sometimes I get so anxious, I don't know why."

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This feeling of anxiety grew in the course of the night to such a degree that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had to call in the aid of the head nurse.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. cried and cried through many desperate hours.

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"I can't ...... I can't ...... how will I be able to show myself before Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ...... He doesn't know me ...... He doesn't know who I am at all ...... I am so afraid ...... I'd much rather die."

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When she was finally so exhausted that she was no longer able to cry she lay quite still without being able to sleep, staring straight in front of her with big frightened eyes.

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A thousand concerns tumbled in her brain. The railway journey to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany ...... among strangers ...... the arrival in the new, unknown city ...... the road to the clinic ...... and
[Page 99]
again strangers ...... prying eyes ...... and then the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ..... How would he receive her?

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. did not know herself what was going on in her.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had long since packed their suitcases, had managed to scrape together a lot of kind and encouraging words and had talked away about a lot of trivial things, but LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was still indifferent:

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"Tomorrow I have to stand before Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ...... and no one will help me ...... no one."

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Still she whispered the same words to herself.

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And when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- said to her that she must remember that the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had only one thought, to help her, and that it would be ungrateful of her to give in now, then she only shook her head:

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"No, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , I know better, I know better ...... no one can help me ...... no one ...... it is much too hard for one person alone – and I'm so tired."

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Later in the morning GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had fallen asleep – she had not been in bed most of the night. Quite softly, not to disturb her, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. got up and slipped over to a large mirror which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had brought and which was hung above the bedside table that had been converted into a provisional dressing table ...... She looked at herself in the mirror for a long time ..... no, no, she was not satisfied ..... she thought that she looked hideous, there was no expression on her face ...... she looked like a sad, tired, bloodless larva ...... With a blank look she sat down on one of the suitcases, rested her empty head in her hands, and did not have another thought.

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ......" it was GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , who wrapped her arms around her neck, "do you know what you look like? You look like a little sweet mother who is concerned for her child."

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"Concerned for her child ......" ..... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. slowly repeated the words ...... "yes, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , for her poor errant child's sake ...... Do you think that such a mother can ever be happy again?"

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- placed herself in the middle of the room and held out her hands imploringly towards her:

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"Promise me that you will say: 'Today I will be brave, today I will be brave' ...... then you will surely be happy again."

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In this way the day began, but there were still many
[Page 100]
difficult moments to get through. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was there in good time and he helped the frightened LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. bid farewell to the nurse and the clinic that had been her first shelter on this earthProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin.

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"You look just like an officer's wife," he said to her, "overbearing and condescending ...... it's quite incredible, you are truly a phenomenon."

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"In half an hour they will drag the phenomenon along," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. thought bitterly, "....... the phenomenon!"

– – –

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But she pulled herself together. No one should see her cry today, no one ...... And she wouldn't think ...... not think of anything ...... She let them drive her to the station ...... and her eyes pretended to see ...... but they saw nothing ...... in the waiting room she was compelled to have lunch with the others and she obeyed.

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"Today I won't have any will at all, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, today I'll do everything you say to me ...... today you will think for me ...... for one more day I'll take a holiday."

– – –

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"Now, we must be in good spirits," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative declared, "we have to celebrate LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s first journey."

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The waiter brought three mugs of "Hofbräu" and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative raised his mug to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , the neat, elegant GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , also, though with a somewhat apprehensive look, raised her mug and said to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.:

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"Cheers, or as they say here: Prosit!"

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. did not hesitate and before NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had let his glass touch hers, she had taken a proper gulp.

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"Bravo! Bravo!" NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative cried so loud that many of the waiting room's guests looked at them.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. immediately put her mug down:

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"No, no, I beg you ...... let us not attract attention."

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The fear had caught hold of her again, but she was determined to be happy, and besides she honestly had to admit that she enjoyed the fresh, fragrant beer after the flat and colourless diet of the clinic ...... This solid lunch with fresh crisp rolls with salami, liver sausage, and cheese – a real German meal – was something quite different from the sick diet she had become used to.

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"One becomes a completely new person, children," she said to the two
[Page 101]
others ...... "one returns to life ...... Yes, I wish I was that far ...... Now, cheers, a toast to life!"

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative did not need to be told twice, and when the time of departure approached he cheerfully took LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. by the arm and carried her off so quickly through the teeming crowd of the platform that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- found it difficult to keep up. They found a corner seat by the window for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- sat directly opposite her.

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With happy, watchful eyes absorbing every little detail as a new great experience LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. rode into her new life.

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The landscape between BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany and DresdenDresden -- City in Germany was an endless, monotonous plain with a few thinly wooded stretches of forest and empty spring brown fields. Now and then the area was coloured red, white and yellow by little cottages, villages and towns through which slowly moving streams and rivers flowed – an image that was not suited for putting the mind in motion but was gentle and soporific. White sunny clouds were swept across the low blue grey sky by the fresh morning wind like little merry lambs that had just escaped the stable. Then suddenly a light green square appeared; it was the winter crops that had sprouted up between the willow shrubs that had already received their first silver sheen, and a dark cloud island sailed like a vision across the green acre. A church tower stood out against the eastern sky, the sun slipped over a low drifting mass of clouds and spread a shiny brass glimmer all over the world.

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The telegraph wires along the railway whirred up and down. A swarm of partridges shot like a bullet splintered into fragments from a gloomy piece of fallow land up over a dull green pine grove. They rushed past a signal keeper's house surrounded by silver birches and a few crippled and stunted apple trees between which multi-coloured washing fluttered; in front of the house a woman stood with hands akimbo and with her eyes turned towards the train, by her side a golden-haired child played with a bright red ball and a dark brown dog guarded the little one ...... Whoosh, passed ...... you could still see the woman waving to the train and a blue and white chequered apron waving from the clothes line. An unpaved road bent towards the railway embankment and a cart with a large load of timber and two heavily built plough horses stood waiting. The driver restrained them with his whip ...... the sun gilded the cord and the tin covered handle and flashed in the puddles
[Page 102]
in the abandoned cart tracks. Behind a wide curved ridge some factory chimneys rose from which white and yellowish green columns of smoke rose up against the blue sky until a breeze broke through, scattered them and transformed them into sunlit clouds ......

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s eyes looked at it with a painter's gaze and she was frightened:

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"These are not my eyes, they are AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' eyes ...... Is he not dead in me? ...... Can't he leave me alone?"

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And she closed her eyes ...... She did not know why she was so afraid of looking at the world and getting to love it as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- did ...... was it because she was afraid of not becoming herself ...... or of not being able to get free of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ?

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had gone out in the corridor to smoke.

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In the compartment, beside LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. sat a couple of correct looking gentlemen who had taken the two corner seats by the door.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had barely noticed them. They had so far been entrenched behind their newspapers.

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Suddenly one of the gentlemen put down his paper and the other followed his example, though first folding it neatly. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. involuntarily looked at him and he answered her look and cleared his throat. The other gentleman brushed some specks of dust from his clothes and pulled off one of his thick and glossy, brown gloves. A sparkling jewel ring appeared. "Hm, hm," was heard again. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. wrapped her fur coat more tightly around her. She felt the gaze of the two gentlemen directed at the "lady" by the window ...... She affected an air of great superiority.

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"Hm," the gentleman next to her grunted again and then he asked:

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"Can I offer you a cigarette, madam?"

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She looked at him.

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He held a heavy silver cigarette case with a gold inlay towards her:

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"Of course this is not a smoking compartment, but I see that both your companions smoke."

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. smiled:

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"No, thank you."

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Whereupon the gentleman closed his case and carefully placed it in the rear pocket of his pants.

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The other gentleman had opened his paper again.

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And LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked out of the window again ...

Page 103
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A small fine and tender grove of birches shone in the sun at the top of a hill. Above it floated two very small mother-of-pearl clouds like a pair of wings a small angel had forgotten during a game.

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had come back in and sat by the window directly opposite her.

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"The first spring," he said, "the first spring, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

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And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- who had also returned repeated:

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"The first spring, yes ...... If only one could stand out there ...... and paint like ......"

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Her words echoed in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s ears.

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"Spring ...... paint ...... like" – and she completed the sentence – "like AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ......"

d1-trc13p125

Was it jealousy rising in her?

d1-trc13p126

No, no, she would not think.

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She leaned towards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ...... no one saw it, both NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had fallen asleep and the two gentlemen were standing outside smoking ..... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. tenderly put her hand on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's knee, then she stood up and sat down beside her leaning her head against her shoulder while she again stared out over the landscape. Ridges welled forth and grew into small mountains and still new ones joined, strewn with villas. And soon everything was a multi-coloured crowd of villas, gardens and tenement houses between which large factory buildings pushed their way forward, streets opened like corridors and channels between the rows of houses that grew and became taller and filled with teeming life, trams, automobiles, and people, shrill advertisements on big, wide gables, rails meeting and crossing on both sides, trains with endless rows of wagons, stations, now on the right, now on the lefthand side, and still the train slid on shaking and wobbling each time it passed over a sidetrack ......

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Then it stopped.

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had woken up.

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"How far are we now?"

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"It's the next station," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative answered and woke up GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

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As the train started moving again all three stood at the window.

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Now they rode on a long bridge across a riverElbe -- River in Europe whose wide dark stream separated the two banks like an endless, glistening silk ribbon. And like a mirage LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. saw green domes, towers, church roofs, castles and palaces appear beyond the sparkling water. It was
[Page 104]
as beautiful as a fairy tale that had been forgotten and once again returns ... her fairy tale! ...... She could not let go of the sight, and she saw that it was not a vision, this big beautiful, royal cityDresden -- City in Germany which on both sides of the ElbeElbe -- River in Europe banks of the River Elbe -- extended from the wide valley over the mountain sides up towards the gentle blue sky.

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She knelt down on the seat, stared out and drank in the sight, it was the goal of her pilgrimage, the city she so fervently and with so much pain had longed forDresden -- City in Germany. And her eyes became big and heavy. She had to close them while she pressed her hands against her beating heart. Gentle, blissful tears streamed down her cheeks ...... This was the miracle! Here her poor tormented life would finally find its delivery. Her whole mind was overwhelmed by an infinite feeling of happiness.

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"Now I come home ......now I finally come home!"

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And she cried and cried.

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative put his hand on her shoulder:

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.!" he said comfortingly.

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But she shook her head:

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"I am just crying from joy."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was moved. She could not find anything to say, and she also began to cry.

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None of them saw the surprised looks that were exchanged between the two gentlemen who were in the process of gathering their luggage and with a silent nod left the compartment.

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How LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had come out of the train and, in one of DresdenDresden -- City in Germany's green automobiles, made her entry through the city never reached into her memory. She only knew that during the long drive through the streets she had clutched the little Spanish silver MadonnaMadonna (fictional) -- Not mentioned in G1; religious reference pressed against her lips, and again and again she stammered before her: "He will help me ...... help me ...... help me ......" -@Editor: PLC

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It was a long way ...... The streets were already behind them and they were out in the residential area. Suddenly they passed an impressively situated tall building and just after it the car turned a corner. Tall silver bright birches raised their filigree light branches over a garden wall, behind which lay a large and dignified grey complex of buildings formed by many adjoining wings with towers on them.

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"Stop, stop, here it is!" LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. exclaimed.

Page 105
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The next moment the car stopped in front of a portal over which was written in capital letters:

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STAATLICHE FRAUENKLINIKWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden -@Editor: PLC

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"How did you know?" GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative asked as with one voice as they helped LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. out of the carriage.

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"I felt that it had to be here," she answered faintly, "but you have to help me, I have to lean on you ...... my legs give way ...... I have a feeling that I am about to faint ...... now, when I have finally come home ...... after the long and difficult journey."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative pulled the bell cord and when they heard the sound of the gate bell, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. turned pale as death. It was as if it were in her own heart that the bell sounded.

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From the window of the porter's lodge a sister dressed in white asked them:

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"Is it for the private clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden? Then you must turn right through the garden."

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It was already late in the afternoon. A hazy and humid light fell from the sky that was heavy with rain over the big garden, whose slender birch stems stretched themselves on green lawns.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. walked in front.

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"Look at her," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative whispered to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , "she walks as if she knew everything and she has never been here before."

d1-trc13p156

Like a sleepwalker LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. strode along and as if in a dream, she found the entrance to the private clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden.

d1-trc13p157

Now she was finally at home.

Page 106

XIV.

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In the door to the private clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden stood an elderly nursethe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic dressed in white embracing a lady. This was LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s first impression of the clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden which she kept ...... because it was the right one.

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The elderly nurse was the matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic and she was taking leave of a patient.

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Then she received the three foreigners with great kindness and led them into a long hospital corridor. Twilight had already begun and through the greenish panes of a large glass door at the end of the corridor a soft light, that made one think of a deep forest lake, fell into the corridor and was reflected in the shiny parquet floor and the many white-painted doors.

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"The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- will be here shortly," the Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic said.

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Close to the large double door there were some armchairs around a small table with a lighted lamp. There a doctor was standing in a white coat talking to a couple of ladies.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- grabbed LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s hands.

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"Is that Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ?" she asked in a whisper.

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"No, you are mistaken," NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative objected, "you have never seen him and this must probably be one of the assistant doctors ...... he looks far too young."

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"No, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- is right, it is Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. answered with a tremble in her voice.

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As the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- accompanied the ladies to his office, he stopped for a moment to say hello to the newly arrived guests with ceremonial courtesy and asked them to take a seat. They sat down at the small table. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was completely dumb, she heard nothing and saw nothing. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative talked about unimportant things ...... White nurses came and went and greeted the three strangers in passing.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. still saw nothing and heard nothing.

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Only when the door to the office was opened, and the two ladies
[Page 107]
were followed out by the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- she awoke again to consciousness.

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The Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic signalled to them and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative took LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s hand to lead her in. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- remained sitting in the armchair.

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Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had only seen AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- once in ParisParis -- City in France, and that was some months ago now. Today he was facing LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. for the first time, but he greeted her with recognition at once. He accompanied them into the office, after which he returned to introduce himself to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who had suddenly become calm looked around the room. It was a large room, a study resembling an operating room. In front of the tall window through which there was a glorious view to the garden with the white birches, there was an examination table and against one of the walls a desk littered with papers. Everything in the room was dazzlingly white.

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When the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- came back, he sat down right across from LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

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She started somewhat insecurely to talk about her stay in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, but he interrupted her with a sudden question, and a smile spread over his stern face:

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"Has Professor ArnoProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified informed you of the results of the chemical and microscopic examinations?"

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"No, ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ."

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"Hasn't he! Then I can give you the pleasant message that the examinations that have been carried out have shown a favourable result, they confirm all our assumptions."

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And from some quickly dropped factual remarks, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. understood that he knew all the details of the operation she had undergone in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany much better than herself. She breathed a sigh of relief ...... then she did not have to make explanations.

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She sat quite still not daring to move to listen to the strange, veiled voice. She had the feeling that she had suddenly become infinitely happy. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- spoke to her very sympathetically, he questioned her about everything that concerned her so that she eventually became quite tired ...... She started to talk about her experience with Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, but she accidentally looked up and her eyes looked into the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's which were both light and dark at the same time ...... Only for a moment she endured his eyes then
[Page 108]
the words died away on her lips, and she could no longer think of anything to say. As in a flash she recalled that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- in ParisParis -- City in France without any inhibition had talked with the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . Why was she not able to do that?

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Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- gave her an inquiring look as if he expected her to continue her story but when it did not happen, he broke the silence:

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"You will be going here to the private clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden, but quite unexpectedly all places have been taken at the moment. Incidentally, that will do no harm as I have to wait a while with the operation anyway. The important thing is to secure the necessary material, by that I mean the fresh glands that are to give you new life ......"

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At these words LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. started and blushed scarlet. She did not know where to look, that is how ashamed she felt. She was both embarrassed and confused.

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The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- did not seem to notice it at all and he continued in the same factual tone:

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"Besides, it won't do you any harm to spend a few more days at a hotel. You can see the city and visit our museums ...... by the way, you can also paint ...... I'm certain that you will be able to find many subjects that you will like ..... It will do you good to think of something else and enter a completely different circle of ideas."

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had the feeling that she had lost any support. The thought that she could not immediately be admitted to the clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden but that she had to spend several days at a hotel seemed quite unbearable to her. She would ask the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- if she could not stay, she would try to change his decision but she was not able to. She looked at him helplessly and could not answer anything but:

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"Yes, ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ."

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That was the end of the interview. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- held out his hand and went with her out to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- whom he gave the name of a hotel close to the clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden. Then he said a very formal goodbye to all three of them ...... And the next moment he had disappeared behind the door of the operating room.

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Quite beside herself, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. stood before GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . She had the impression that she had suffered a devastating defeat. A single
[Page 109]
glance from this man had quite overpowered her ...... She felt that he was so much stronger than herself that he had crushed her whole personality ...... destroyed her with a single glance. She seemed to herself as a schoolgirl who had been curtly dismissed by an idolized teacher. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's voice still sounded in her ears. She felt a strange weakness in all her limbs. She stood as in a fog and understood nothing of what went on around her ...... Only later ...... long afterwards, she realised when she thought back at this moment what had happened to her. It was the first time that her woman's heart had trembled before a lord and master ...... before the man she had chosen as her protector ...... and she grasped why she had immediately submitted to him and his will ......

– – –

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The hotel, which Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had pointed out to them, was in a large square surrounded by trees. Behind the hotel there was a large garden. It was a quiet and distinguished house just under ten minutes from the clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had a large, bright room facing the square. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative settled into a room to the other side. These were heavy and sad days for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. She could not comprehend that she could not immediately enter the clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden. She almost felt convinced that Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had found her disagreeable ...... that she had seemed so repulsive to him that he had become disgusted with her.

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And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- entered in her diary:

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has completely lost courage. She thinks that the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- only sees AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- in her, that is, a disguised man. She imagines that she is so hideous and unattractive that any normal person must feel aversion to her. She cries incessantly. A few times we have gone out to get a breath of fresh air, but she is controlled by her obsession to such an extent that she believes she reads a confirmation of Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's dislike of her in the glance of every passer-by. It is obvious that we foreigners attract a certain amount of attention here in DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, but LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. thinks that is only because of her.

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— —And what has put her completely beside herself is that the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- suggested that she should pass time painting. That was, she says, the most terrible thing he could demand of her. Everything
[Page 110]
that is connected to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is detested by her and especially the thought of painting ...... She believes that she cannot quite free herself from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , if she does any of the things that he used to do. And his art seems to her to be the worst of all. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ought to know that, she claims, or perhaps his intention with this remark had been to let her understand that he did not see anything in her but AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , a disguised man."

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A few days later GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- added in her diary:

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative is probably quite right when he says that what the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- is doing with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. must be regarded as a kind of mental modelling that is to precede the physical transformation. So far LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has been like a lump of clay that others have worked with and that the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- himself with just a fleeting touch has already given life ...... and shape ...... but until now, he believes, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s femininity lies only on the surface ...... It is not yet quite genuine, because it has not penetrated in depth ...... With a single glance yesterday he has made her heart come to life, a life imbued with all female instincts ...... The more I think about it, the more decisively I have to agree with NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is still very quiet and, as it were, enclosed in herself. She still sometimes cries quietly to herself, but it is the longing that makes her cry ...... She doesn't know herself what is going on in her, and I can't do anything but be patient with her and encourage her with good words."

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The next page brings the following observation:

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. said to me tonight: 'It is probably unfair when I think about AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- with bitterness, but now and then I have to think of him anyway, and then I do not know what to call him ...... I think I must call him "my dead brother". I shall have to get used to that. I have to get used to the idea that he is really dead so that it no longer enters my thoughts at all that he and I have lived in the same body. I have to feel as a certainty that it belongs to me alone'.

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And later she said:

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'Perhaps I am AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' killer and this thought pains me terribly because I feel that I am worth less than he was. He had a creative nature ...... he was a painter and he had a considerable achievement behind him. That is precisely why I fear
[Page 111]
that it will appear that I will never be able to contribute anything. Imagine if I really tried to paint, and then realised that my talent could not compare with his, then it would seem so oppressive to me that it would drive me to suicide ......'.

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And then she suddenly said:

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'GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , I see in my mind AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' clothes that we left behind in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany ...... every single garment I see ...... all of last night I lay awake thinking about it ...... and I was afraid to accidentally fall asleep again ...... Suppose, I saw myself in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' clothes again in my dreams!'" ......

– – –

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Thus a whole week passed. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was still submerged in a deep melancholy that turned into panic when one morning she had a few letters forwarded from FrauenklinikWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden that had come from CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark and were addressed to the painter Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. felt completely compromised because these letters, which were addressed to a man, had been sent to the clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden that was intended only for women. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. did not even dare to touch the letters. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had to read them, and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had to burn them. Now LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. felt completely convinced that she would never enter Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's women's clinic.

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"Those letters have made it completely impossible for me ...... let us rather quietly leave here and find a place where I can die in peace ......" she asked with tears in her eyes determined to disappear into the great void.

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But finally salvation came in the form of a message from the clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden that now a room was available. Immediately LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. left the hotel, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- followed her silent and quiet the short way to FrauenklinikWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden.

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When LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. wandered through the garden with the bright birches again, she had the feeling that she had reached the promised land.

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The following day NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative went back to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany.

Page 112

XV.

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Many times LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. tried to relive the first moments she spent at FrauenklinikWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden, and each time she felt the immense quiet again which had suddenly fallen over her turbulent mind. The glorious hope had lifted her up towards an invisible vault like a hymn by Bach Johann Sebastian Bach (1685-1750), German composer​ -@Editor: PLC sung by angels' high voices.

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All fear and anxiety had left her. Her own life seemed so insignificant to her, so worthless. A vague feeling filled her with awe, a feeling of being privy to something new and magnificent ...... something more important and greater than anything else, something that rose far above all other human fates. She appeared to herself as someone chosen, she had been selected for a pain and a pleasure that no one yet had lived through.

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A white sick room, toned by the green tinge from the garden outside. A white bed. On a white table mysterious instruments under an elongated glass globe. Everywhere a smell of ether and formaldehyde. A visit by the Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic, the sturdy, healthy, maternal woman in the white nurse's uniform with the starched cap on the silver grey hair. Now and then a distant sound that could be heard through the double door slowly died away. Ambulances driving by. In the white room GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ..... Now and then subdued voices and soft steps. The door is opened, a slim figure in a white coat enters and remains standing in the room.

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Of this first visit by Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has only kept a faint almost musical recollection ...... A voice. A vision. What he said to her she no longer knows ...... But from the moment he stood before her in the white sick room every burden was lifted from her soul ...... Everything was hope and certainty.

– – –

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Under the birches in the big garden LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was waiting. In one of the next few days everything would be ready for the operation. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had said so.

Page 113
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The white trees shone like silver against the shiny, green lawns. The interlacing branches were suffused by a reddish glow in the grey, shimmering air. Here and there hedges and shrubbery, still naked, waiting for their suit of foliage. Some willows with silky catkins, brown and reddish flower buds that were already beginning to turn yellow. Around the paths many benches. Nurses dressed in white walked around on their lunch break and nodded at LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . And in the middle of the big garden a crowd of young, pregnant women. They laughed and they were happy. In their blue hospital gowns, they looked like big crocuses in full bloom.

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- said, "now I understand what NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative said, this is the first spring ...... Everything here is full of expectation."

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Suddenly a tall slim man in a white coat walked through the park followed by an assistant doctor and a whisper passed from mouth to mouth: "The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- !" ...... Everyone stopped and followed him with their eyes.

– – –

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Then the large tower clock of the clinic struck six. It is about time to go back to the room. The park is already in twilight. Arm in arm LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- walk to the big building. The light is on in the broad, white corridor, young nurses are busy bringing the supper around to the patients. Directly opposite the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's office is the office of the Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic. A voice sounds through the open door, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. starts. Frightened, she drags GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- around the corner and into the cross corridor where her room is.

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"What is the matter?" GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- asks.

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"Hurry," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. whispers back to her and slips into her room. An inexplicable fear seizes her when she hears the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's voice ...... She feels like a schoolgirl who is afraid of her teacher.

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The next evening, when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had gone to bed, she was subjected to all the preparations preceding an operation while GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- sat beside her smiling and trying to encourage her. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had already that morning announced that a young woman whose sexual glands would be suitable for transplantation would be operated on early the next morning.

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Happy and moved, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. said goodnight to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . Then she lay awake for several hours and stared into the white room where
[Page 114]
the bedside lamp spread a soft light. Sister HannaNurse Hannah (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, who was young and beautiful, sat beside her and talked to her for a long time until she put the sleeping medicine on the bedside table and disappeared.

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But LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. did not take the medicine, she did not want to sleep ...... she was afraid of sleeping too long ...... She wanted to be awake ...... completely awake for what she was to experience the next morning.

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Not a sound was heard in the corridor. Everything was absorbed by the stillness of the night ...... LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s thoughts were like a smile ...... She had the impression that she no longer had any responsibility for herself and her fate. Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had lifted the responsibility from her ...... She no longer had any will either ...... this too she had placed on the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- .

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Suddenly she thought of the past ...... in ParisParis -- City in France ...... but the next moment she dismissed the thought ...... she had no past ...... everything that had once been belonged to the missing person, to someone who was gone ...... who was dead ...... How completely different Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had been ...... completely different from her – she was just a humble little woman ready to obey, happy to submit to the will of another. Again the tower clock sounded ...... many times she heard its tones in the course of the night.

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When the first light came through the curtains, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. lay fully awake in her bed. At first it was six o'clock and at seven o'clock Sister HannaNurse Hannah (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified came in to make her ready for the operation ...... And then there was a long, long wait ...... she hardly dared move. Intently she listened for every footstep in the corridor, for every voice that came in to her, every sound ...... but no one stopped outside her door ...... had she been forgotten?

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Finally, someone came. It was the Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic. Smiling, she sat beside her, took her hand maternally and as gently as possible she conveyed to her that they had to wait for a few more days ...... it had turned out that the woman who had been operated on had not been able to provide "a suitable material."

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The disappointment and the tension would have been released in tears if the Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic had not hastened to give her the other and more pleasant piece of information that she was to be moved to a new
[Page 115]
room that had a large window facing the garden and where there was morning sun.

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When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- a few moments later appeared to hear how it had gone, they immediately got to work on the move.

– – –

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And again they walked arm in arm around the garden where everything had quickly become homelike and familiar to them. They knew all the nurses now and gratefully answered their morning greeting. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. happily smiled to the young pregnant women in the crocus blue gowns. Now and then a young doctor passed by and also wished them a good morning.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was happy. Here she walked around quite naturally like a young woman among other young women. She was a person who had no past. Had she ever looked different? ...... She had to smile. And suddenly she pictured AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- when he had watched the elegantly dressed ladies in ParisParis -- City in France and almost envied them their elegance ...... "How clumsy and tasteless are the clothes that we men walk around in!" he had said.

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Now all this was over – released ...... and this was the result of just a gesture from the master, her creator, the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . There was no AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- anymore and he would never, never return. Now Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- stood between him and her, and she felt guarded and protected.

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Here in this small state within the state the men ruled absolutely – led by the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . The Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic was the only exception because she had much, very much influence. Despite her maternal good nature she was an extraordinarily authoritative lady whose energetic profile under the silver grey hair could be reminiscent of the Bourbonsthe Bourbons (historical) -- French royal family -@Editor: PLC in their heyday. An immense respect emanated from her as she was the only creature here at the FrauenklinikWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden who was to some extent on confidential terms with the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . One morning she stopped LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. out in the garden and told her that now it would probably not be long ...... perhaps the operation would take place as early as tomorrow, or at least the day after tomorrow.

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"Tell me," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. asked, "why exactly do you remove the sexual glands from a woman when they are perfectly healthy?"

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"It would take too long to explain it to you," the Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic answered. "You do not have the necessary anatomical knowledge
[Page 116]
to understand it. But you can set your mind at rest! The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- knows exactly what he does. Just let him do to you what he thinks is right ...... Besides you don't have to be anxious, it's only a very small operation."

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. laughed:

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"I'm not afraid at all, Sister. In BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany they also told me that it was just a very small procedure, and afterwards I was told that I had been on the operating table for almost an hour and a half ...... as to whether this new operation is dangerous or not, I don't give a thought ...... I have not come here to die ...... I feel that ...... for that I don't need the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's help."

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The Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic gave her a hug:

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"You only have reason to be happy, little Mrs. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. -@Translator: MO, for the glands that the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- will transplant into you will give you new vitality and new youth ...... The woman from whom they come is scarcely twenty seven years old."

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s voice trembled with emotion:

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"Is it true? ...... is it really true? ...... Does a woman's age depend entirely on her sexual glands? Is that really the only thing that matters? ...... Is it true?"

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The Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic laughed and patted LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s cheek:

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"How curious you are! ...... If you won't believe me, you can ask the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ."

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"Yes, of course ...... why haven't I done so long ago? ...... I'll ask him this very evening ......"

– – –

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When the Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic asked LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. the next morning if the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had satisfied her curiosity, she said embarrassed:

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"No, I completely forgot about it ......"

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The Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic wagged her finger threateningly:

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"Why do you not honestly say that you didn't have the courage?"

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"No, I didn't," LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. admitted.

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The Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic laughed:

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"You need not be ashamed of that, why should you be different from all the other patients?"

Page 117

XVI.

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Two days later GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- filled many pages in her diary. That day the big, fateful operation had been performed on LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and it was already late in the night when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- wrote:

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"Already at nine o'clock this morning, I was at the clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden. Last night the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had told me that the crucial operation would take place this morning. Cautiously I put my head in at LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s door. She lay in a white nightdress in her white bed sleeping quietly. She had been given a morphine injection. Carefully I retreated to the corridor where the sisters stood waiting for the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . Sister FriedaNurse Margaret (fictional) -- no note -@Editor: PLC came out from the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's office; she was pushing a trolley with ether bottles, cotton wool, and instruments, which were covered by glass, in front of her. The Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic appeared and gave an inspecting glance around her. In the operating room I caught a glimpse of the assistant doctor and a couple of young doctors' assistants. Everyone whispered. There was a strange silence over the wide white clinic hallway, and through the high windows through which you could see the naked trees of the park, a greenish light fell. The wing where the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's residence lay was illuminated by the morning sun. All eyes were directed at it.

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"Now we are only waiting for the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ," a small nurse said softly to me.

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I could hardly control my excitement ...... I too stared as if spellbound out of the window towards the residence of the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- .

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Suddenly there was movement among the sisters. Instinctively I reached for the small sister's hand ...... Everything trembled inside me. I saw the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- walking towards the clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden at a brisk pace, and the next moment, I heard his calm correct voice say: "Good morning."

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He was very reserved and unapproachable although we otherwise used to talk to each other in a friendly manner. I dared not say anything to him nor follow him when he disappeared
[Page 118]
with the Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic into LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s room. He looked like a general immediately before a decisive battle. I stood in the open door facing the garden. The morning sun streamed over me. I think I was very pale. The air was so warm from the spring. A few birds were chirping in the birches. There was a reddish light over the tree tops and very softly the wind, which smelled of grass and soil, was carried towards me and mixed with the pungent hospital odour.

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Then the door to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s room was opened slightly, and a hand was held out. Sister FriedaSister Frieda (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, who was standing right by the door, quickly took a bottle of ether from the trolley and gave it to the hand after which the door was silently closed again. Little by little a sweetish smell of ether leaked out to us and replaced all other smells. I had a feeling that I was about to lose consciousness. Then the door was opened wide and the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- and the Matronthe Matron (fictional) -- Modeled on Margarete Leifert, or possibly Seifert, a nurse at the Dresden clinic came out. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- took my hand and looked into my eyes.

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"Don't be afraid," he said reassuringly and disappeared down the wide corridor.

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A few more minutes passed, then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s bed was rolled out by two nurses. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was lying under a white sheet, but I could not see her face which was hidden under an ether mask ...... And already the white procession had slid past me and was far down the corridor. Then it disappeared into the operating room.

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How long would it take? I kept saying to myself: You must not think ...... not think ...... You just have to let the time pass ...... What were they doing to this poor soul now? How would LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. be returned to me? To herself ...... to life? ...... She