Man Into Woman (American Edition)

[Copyright Facsimile Image]

               EINAR WEGENER (ANDREAS SPARRE) ABOUT 1920 Frontispiece
EINAR WEGENEREinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ) ABOUT 1920 Frontispiece

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MAN INTO WOMAN

An Authentic Record of a Change of Sex

The true story of the miraculous transformation of the Danish painter Einar WegenerEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- (Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- )

Edited by NIELS HOYERNiels Hoyer (historical) Linked to: #harthernE -- Niels Hoyer was the pseudonym for Ernst Harthern

Translated from the German by H. J. STENNINGH.J. Stenning (historical) -- A1 translator from German.

Introduction by NORMAN HAIRENorman Haire (historical) -- Wrote A1's introduction., Ch.M., M.B.

With 18 Illustrations

NEW YORK

E.P. DUTTON & CO, INC.

Man Into Woman, Copyright, 1933, By E. P. Dutton & Co., Inc.:: All Rights Reserved: Printed in U.S.A.

[List of Illustrations Facsimile Image]

List of Illustrations

Einar WegenerEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- (Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ) about 1920 Frontispiece Facing page

LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., ParisParis -- City in France, 1926 - - - - - - 40

LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and her friend ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, BeaugencyBeaugency -- City in France., FranceFrance -- Country in Europe, 1928 (before the operation) - 64

French landscape by Einar WegenerEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- , 1929 - 72

Einar WegenerEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- , 1929 - - - - - - 80

Einar WegenerEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., ParisParis -- City in France, January 1930 96

Einar WegenerEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- 's pictures at CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark Exhibition, 1930, in lifetime of Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. 104

Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, May 1930, between second and third operations - - - - 112

Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, June 1930, after the operation - - - - - - 128

Portrait by Gerda Wegener.Gerda Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreGre -- , with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. as model - - - - - - - 136

In the Women's ClinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden, DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, 1930 - 152

Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, October 1930 - - 176

Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, February 1931 - 208

Portrait of three women (LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in centre) by Gerda WegenerGerda Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreGre -- - - - - - 224

Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, 1931, after the operation 240

Grave of Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. - - - - - 276

Fragment of letter written by Einar WegenerEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- , January 1930 - - - - - 280

Fragment of letter written by Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., June 1931 - - - - - - - 280

Page v

INTRODUCTION

To the reader unfamiliar with the unhappy byways of sexual pathology, the story told in this book must seem incredibly fantastic. Incredible as it may seem, it is true. Or, rather, the facts are true, though I think there is room for differences of opinion about the interpretation of the facts.

There would seem to be no doubt about the following points. A well-known Danish painterEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- , whose identity is shrouded in this book under the name of Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , was born in the 'eighties of the last century. At about the age of twenty he married, and was sufficiently normal both psychologically and physically to be able to fulfil his functions as a husband. Some years later a purely fortuitous happening led him to dress up as a woman, and the disguise was so successful that he followed it by dressing up as a woman on several occasions, on each of which those who were in the secret were surprised at his apparent femininity. In fun, one of his friendsAnna Larssen (historical) -- a Danish actress dubbed him, when disguised as a woman, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. Gradually he began to feel a change taking place in himself. He began to feel that "LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative." was a real individual, who shared the same body as his male self— AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . The second personality, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., became more and more important, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- became convinced that he was a sort of twin being, part male and part
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female in the one body. He began to suffer from disturbances every month in the shape of bleedings from the nose and elsewhere, which he came to regard as representative of menstruation, and he sought the help of many doctors, who, however, were unable to relieve him.

He began to study books on sexual pathology and gradually came to the conclusion that although his external organs were those of a male, and quite normal (though perhaps rather undeveloped), yet his body contained in it the internal sexual organs of a female in addition.

Some of the doctors to whom he went thought him neurotic, some thought him homosexual; but he himself denied the truth of both these diagnoses. One doctor treated him with X-rays, and later on AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- attributed the shrunken state of the female sexual organs which were found in his abdomen to the destructive effect of this X-ray treatment.

Gradually the female personality, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., took on such importance that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt that, unless in some way his male self could be made to give place to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., he could not go on living. By this time he was in his forties, and his failure to find any doctor who could help him to realize his desire to become a woman led him to the project of suicide if nothing should happen within the next year.

Just as things seemed at their worst he met a famous German doctor from DresdenDresden -- City in Germany Kurt Warnekros (historical) Linked to: #kreutz -- , who agreed that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was probably an intermediate sexual type, furnished, by some sport of nature, with both male and female gonads. He explained that
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there were probably rudimentary ovaries in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' abdomen, but that these were unable to develop properly because of the inhibiting influence of the testicles which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- also possessed.

He proposed that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- should go to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, where certain investigations were to be undertaken. If these investigations confirmed his suppositions he promised to remove AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' male organs and transplant into him ovaries from a young woman, which would, as the work of the SteinachSteinach (historical) -- school had shown, activate the rudimentary ovaries lying dormant in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' abdomen.

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- went to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. The investigations confirmed the German doctorKurt Warnekros (historical) Linked to: #kreutz -- 's theory, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- embarked on a series of operations. The first one was castration. His testicles were removed. A few months later he went to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, where his penis was also removed, his abdomen was opened, and the presence of rudimentary ovaries was established, and at the same time ovarian tissue from a healthy young woman of twenty-six was transplanted into him. A little later he underwent another operation, the nature of which is not explained, though it had something to do with the insertion of a canula.

By this time he felt himself to be entirely a woman. The Danish authorities issued him a new passport as a female in the name of Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and the King of Denmarkthe King (fictional) -- Modeled on Christian X, who ruled Denmark from 1912 to 1947. declared his marriage null and void. With his consent, and indeed at his suggestion, his former wifeGerda Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreGre -- married a mutual friendFernando Porta (historical) Linked to: #feruzziRi -- Gerda's second-husband of theirs in RomeRome -- City in Italy.

A French painterClaude Prévost (historical) Linked to: #lejeuneClaude -- , who had been a friend of
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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and his wifeGerda Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreGre -- for many years, now fell in love with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and proposed marriage to her.

Before consenting to the marriage LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. made another journey to the German surgeon at DresdenDresden -- City in Germany Kurt Warnekros (historical) Linked to: #kreutz -- to tell him that she had received the offer of marriage and to ask him if he could carry out yet another operation on her to enable her to function completely as a woman, to take the female part in intercourse, and to become a mother. An operation for this purpose was carried out; but shortly afterwards LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. died in DresdenDresden -- City in Germany of heart trouble.

There seems to be no question that the above statements are true. The case was kept secret at first, but through a friend's indiscretion the secret leaked out, and the case was reported in the German and Danish newspapers and caused a great sensation in the year 1931, some time before LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s death.

. . . . .

The story of this strange case has been written by Niels HoyerNiels Hoyer (historical) Linked to: #harthernE -- Niels Hoyer was the pseudonym for Ernst Harthern, partly from his own knowledge, partly from material dictated by LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. herself, partly from LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s diaries, and partly from letters written by LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and other persons concerned. The biographerNiels Hoyer (historical) Linked to: #harthernE -- Niels Hoyer was the pseudonym for Ernst Harthern states that the surgeon who performed the operationKurt Warnekros (historical) Linked to: #kreutz -- has passed his account of the case as correct.

. . . . .

The case falls within the domain of sexual pathology, and comes within the category of sexual intermediacy. We are accustomed to classify individuals as male or female, the classification
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being made at birth by inspection of the external genital organs. But modern sexology has pointed out the inadequacy of this rough and ready classification. It must be remembered that in the early embryo it is impossible, even by the most careful examination, to determine the sex. Gradually a little eminence grows up which forms the rudiments of the sexual organs. At first the rudiments of the organs of both sexes develop, but later only one set continues developing, while the other set remains very rudimentary. If development proceeds normally, the individual differentiates sufficiently to be classified for all practical purposes as a male or as a female. But even in the most normal and unambiguous individual, the rudiments of the organs of the other sex are present throughout life. Thus the male possesses a rudimentary uterus and the female a rudimentary penis. So far, we have been speaking of the primary sexual organs, or genital organs.

But there are a number of other, or secondary sexual characters (breasts, width of pelvis, hair, etc.) which differ in the two sexes, and individuals who are classified as male may have secondary sexual characters of a female type and vice versa. When carefully investigated even the apparently most normal male may be found to have certain physical sex characters approximating to the female type, and the apparently most normal female to have sex characters approximating to the male type. One is led to the conclusion that the hundred-per-cent male and the hundred-per-cent female are theoretical types which do not exist in reality.

So far we have dealt only with the physical
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sexual characters, but there are psychological sexual characters which differ as between the sexes, too. Sometimes the presence of marked physical characteristics of the opposite sex is not accompanied by any noticeable psychological intermediacy, or by any change in the direction of sexual desire, i.e., by any trace of homosexual feeling. In other cases some degree of homosexual feeling is present and in yet other cases the sexual intermediacy is marked much more psychologically than it is physically. For a full discussion of this subject the reader is referred to Professor Gregorio MarañonProfessor Gregorio Marañon (historical) -- Mentioned in A1's introductions as author of The Evolution of Sex and Intersexual Conditions's book, The Evolution of Sex and Intersexual Conditions, which is available in an English translation.

Cases occur, though rarely, where an individual possesses the genital organs of one sex, and in addition more or less complete genital organs belonging to the other sex as well. Such anomalies are known as hermaphrodites, though in human beings the hermaphrodism always seems to be incomplete. There is a small number of curious cases of this sort recorded in sexological literature, though no other case, so far as I know, has been so extreme, or so well recorded, as the case of Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- .

Thus, when I was a medical student in SydneySydney -- City in Australia, AustraliaAustralia -- , about the year 1912, a man was admitted to the wards of my hospital suffering from regularly recurring hæmorrhages, which were thought to be due to kidney disease. Investigation showed that although his external genital organs were normal, and he was married and able to perform the sexual act as a male, his body contained ovaries.

Page xi

In BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany in 1923, I saw, at the clinic of a colleague, an individual who was apparently male, but who felt himself to be a female just as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- did. This patient, too, had his male organs removed at his own request, and was given injections of ovarian extract. No operation was ever undertaken to determine whether ovaries were present in his body or not. I saw him—or her—again in 1926, after the removal of the male organs, and quite recently I received a report about the case. The individual is very unhappy, and has not succeeded in becoming completely a woman.

Professor SteinachSteinach (historical) -- , of ViennaVienna -- , has for some decades been carrying on a series of investigations into sexual physiology, and has had considerable success in changing males into females and females into males among lower animals, such as rats and guinea-pigs. He has even been successful in enabling a formerly male rat to develop breast glands which function to the extent of producing milk to nourish the litter of another rat; but up to the present he has not succeeded in completing the transformation so that a former male could become pregnant and give birth to a litter.

Among birds, there are a number of cases on record where hens, which have laid eggs and produced many chickens, have gradually changed their plumage, begun to crow, and developed into cocks, and as cocks have fertilized other hens.

But in human beings, although mild grades of sexual intermediacy are by no means rare, cases like that of Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- arise but seldom; and I cannot help thinking that until we know more about sexual physiology it is unwise to
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carry out, even at the patient's own request, such operations as were performed in this case. It would, I think, have been better to try the effect of psychological treatment. Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- might either have been cured, or at least enabled to adapt himself to life. By proper psychological treatment the duplication of personality might have been resolved and he might have been enabled to lead a reasonably happy life instead of embarking on a series of painful and dangerous operations which ended only with his death.

There seems to be no need to disclose the real names of the persons mentioned in this book, except to say that Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was the well-known Danish painter Einar WegenerEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- .

127 Harley Street,

LondonLondon -- City in England, W.I. Norman HaireNorman Haire (historical) -- Wrote A1's introduction.

Page xiii

FOREWORD

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In accordance with Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s last wishes, I have arranged the papers she left behind in the form of this book. It is a veracious life story, recorded by a person whose earthly course assumed the shape of an unparalleled and incredible tragedy of fate, the life story of a person whose afflictions were outside the range of our ordinary ideas.

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The German doctorKurt Warnekros (historical) Linked to: #kreutz -- whose bold operations enabled the mortally ill and despairing Danish painter Einar WegenerEinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- (Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ) to go on living in complete harmony with the dictates of his nature has approved the book in its German version. At Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s desire, fictitious names have been employed for the persons who figure in her narrative.

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She has retained her own name, chosen out of gratitude to the German city in which she fulfilled her human destinyDresden -- City in Germany.

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The German edition of this book was preceded by a Danish edition, and arrangements are being made for editions of the book to appear in other languages.

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Lili ElbeLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s book must be dedicated in gratitude to her great helper in DresdenDresden -- City in Germany Kurt Warnekros (historical) Linked to: #kreutz -- , her life comradeGerda Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreGre -- in the sunny south, and her truest friend in ParisParis -- City in France Claude Prévost (historical) Linked to: #lejeuneClaude -- .

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Niels HoyerNiels Hoyer (historical) Linked to: #harthernE -- Niels Hoyer was the pseudonym for Ernst Harthern

I.

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The scene is ParisParis -- City in France in the Quartier Saint GermainQuartier Saint Germain -- . The time a February evening in 1930. In a quiet street which harbours a stately palace there is a small restaurant, whose regular customers are foreigners, and mostly artists.

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Among them this evening were AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , two Danish painters, and their Italian friend Ernesto RossiniErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- , with his elegant French wife ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . The friends had not seen each other for a whole year. One couple had been travelling in the North, the other in the South of EuropeEurope -- .

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"Skaal!" cried AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , in the good old Nordic way, and raised his glass. "This wine, children, is for the soul what alpine sun is for the body. And this reminds me of a glorious legend of the cathedral of SevilleCathedral in Seville -- Likely the Catedral de Santa María de la Sede, which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I were admiring a short time ago. Under the plinth of the highest column they have immured a sunbeam—that is the whole legend."

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"Splendid!" cried ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- , with enthusiasm.

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"Heavenly, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- !" chimed in ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , warmly pressing his hand.

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And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- smiled happily and thoughtfully.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- exchanged a multitude of travel impressions—wanderings through museums and disreputable alleys in CadizCadiz -- and AntwerpAntwerp -- , voyages of discovery through bazaars in the BalkansBalkans -- and in marine stores in The HagueThe Hague -- and AmsterdamAmsterdam -- . Each tried to outdo the other. Thus GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ; thus ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- —completely absorbed in their subject, their keen eyes alight with the enthusiasm of the artist.

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Meanwhile, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was leaning attentive, while ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- was whispering in his ear the latest amusing, and even scandalous, anecdotes from RomeRome -- City in Italy and MadridMadrid -- City in Spain.

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"You are not drinking too much, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ?" suddenly inquired ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , pausing in the midst of one of the "latest" incredible stories, only to be related in a whisper. . . . She had noticed the growing nervous excitement of her companion. "You want to be fit and well to-night."

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- caught up ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's words. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- gazed mutely at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- took his friend's hand. "Is LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. causing you trouble again?" he inquired, full of solicitude.

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"You've said it, ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- ," replied AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- very seriously. "This condition is gradually becoming intolerable. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is no longer content to share her existence with me. She wants to have an existence of her own. I don't know whether you understand me. . . . I—I'm no longer any use. Cannot do anything more. I'm finished. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has known this for a long time. That's how matters stand. And consequently she rebels more vigorously every day. What shall I do with myself? The question may sound strange, though only fools
[Page 17]
think they are indispensable, irreplaceable. But not another word of this. Let us drink! Let us drink a fiery, sweet Asti, to please ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- !"

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"Bravo!" cried ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , not taking her eyes off AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , who then rose wearily and made for the bar.

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"Tell me quickly," whispered ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , looking towards her friend, "how is your husband? I don't like his looks."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had lost her smile. "He has never been worse."

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ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- gazed silently at their friend.

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"I have almost given up all hope of saving him," said GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- very softly, "unless a miracle—"

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- interrupted her sharply. "Look here, you're talking of a miracle." GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- regarded her friend inquiringly. "Well, listen. A very good friend of oursKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- is now in ParisParis -- City in France. He comes from DresdenDresden -- City in Germany. He is a woman's doctor. He rang us up early to-day, shortly after we had spoken to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- on the telephone. And then I thought at once: 'If anybody can help AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , it is this doctor from DresdenDresden -- City in Germany Kreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- .' And the matter is urgent, as the doctorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- must return to GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe to-morrow afternoon. I will make an appointment with him this evening."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- made a listless movement with her hand. "Dearest ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , it is useless. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- won't see any more doctors."

a1c01p019

ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- seized both GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's hands.

a1c01p020

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , dearest, now you must not contradict; this time you must obey, and I will call on the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- this very evening. I know the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- will be able to help him."

Page 18
a1c01p021

GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- slowly lit a cigarette. She blew away clouds of blue smoke and stared into the haze.

a1c01p022

Then she said slowly, without excitement, and distinctly.

a1c01p023

"Good, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ; go and see your German ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , and I will persuade AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to call upon you early in the morning."

a1c01p024

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- returned at this moment, holding up two bottles of Asti as if they were booty.

. . . . .

a1c01p025

When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- were strolling at a later hour along the avenue near which their studio dwelling was situated, she avowed at first cautiously, but afterwards with energy, what she had arranged with ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was beside himself. He stood still in the middle of the road. He would not be examined either by a German or by a French, or by an Indian mountebank. He was through with these bloodsuckers.

a1c01p026

He had been ill for many years. Innumerable doctors and specialists had examined him—without result. Now he was utterly tired. Life had become a torment to him.

a1c01p027

Nobody understood what was wrong with him. But his sufferings were of the strangest kind. A specialist in VersaillesVersailles -- had without further ado declared him to be an hysterical subject; apart from this he was a perfectly normal man, who had only to behave reasonably like a man to become perfectly well again; all that the patient lacked was the conviction that he was perfectly healthy and normal.

a1c01p028

A young doctor, likewise in VersaillesVersailles -- , had
[Page 19]
indeed pronounced that "everything was not as it should be" . . . but he had dismissed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- with the following reassuring words: "Don't distress yourself about your physical state. You are so healthy and unimpaired that you could stand anything."

a1c01p029

A radiologist had been very active, but he had nearly killed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- .

a1c01p030

The diagnosis of a medical personage from ViennaVienna -- , a man of somewhat mystical temperament and a friend of SteinachSteinach (historical) -- , pointed in the right direction. "Only a bold and daring doctor can help you," this man had declared; "but where will you find such a doctor to-day?"

a1c01p031

Thereupon AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had taken heart and approached three surgeons.

a1c01p032

The first had declared that he had never in all his life performed "beautifying operations"; the second examined exclusively the blind-gut; and the third declared AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to be "perfectly crazy".

a1c01p033

Most people would probably have agreed with this third specialist: for AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- believed that in reality he was not a man, but a woman.

a1c01p034

And he had grown tired of it all, and sworn to himself that he would not visit any more doctors. He had made up his mind to end his existence. The first of May was to be the fatal day. Spring is a dangerous time for people who are sick and tired.

a1c01p035

He had thought over everything, even the mode of his departure. It was to be, to some extent, a polite obeisance to Nature. Now it was February. March and April would be waiting months. A reprieve . . . he felt calm.

Page 20
a1c01p036

The only thing which tormented him, which pained him unspeakably, was the thought of his wife—the loyal friend and companion of his life.

a1c01p037

Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was an artist of great talent. Her pictures made an exciting and tingling impression, like a vapour from the jungles of ParisParis -- City in France.

a1c01p038

Perhaps because their marriage had been, above all, a comradeship almost from the beginning, they both found life pleasant and worth while only when they were together.

a1c01p039

They were hardly adult and were still attending the CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark academy of artArt Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark. when they had married. A few days before the wedding AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had sold his very first picture at his very first exhibition. They had lived mostly abroad, chiefly in ParisParis -- City in France, and this life abroad had contributed to strengthen the tie which bound them.

a1c01p040

It was therefore inevitable that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- frequently had moments when it seemed as if he were behaving like a traitor towards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . He had been forced to recognize that he could work no longer, and he was apprehensive of becoming a burden on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . This thought had been worrying him for months, poisoning the fount of his enjoyment.

a1c01p041

GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was aware of his thoughts. Yet she suspected that whatever she proposed to offer in the way of new hope would prove futile. There were so many things that bound them together, so many struggles, so many memories, bright and dark, and, perhaps most of all, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. For AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was, in fact, two beings: a man, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , and a girl, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. They might even be called twins who had both taken possession of one body at the same time.

Page 21
a1c01p042

In character they were entirely different.

a1c01p043

Gradually LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had gained such predominance over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- that she could still be traced in him, even after she had retired, but never the reverse. Whereas he felt tired and seemed to welcome death, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was joyous and in the freshness of youth.

a1c01p044

She had become GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's favourite model. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. wandered through her best works.

a1c01p045

GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- felt herself to be the protectress of this carefree and helpless LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt himself to be the protector of both. His ultimate hope was to die in order that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. might awaken to a new life.

Page 22

II.

a1c02p001

The next morning GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- spoke affectionately to him, pointing out lightly that he must call upon ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- if for no other reason than as an act of courtesy. When there he could always find an excuse if he could not bring himself to visit her German ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- .

a1c02p002

An hour later he was on his way to PassyPassy -- , where ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- lived: punctually at twelve o'clock her car stopped in front of the house where the German doctorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- was staying. While ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- was pulling the bell, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- whispered: "Perhaps it will turn out quite interesting to see your German celebrityKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- face to face, as he belongs to a race in whom interest in scientific investigation is so strongly pronounced that this interest—"

a1c02p003

"For heaven's sake," interrupted ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , "don't start delivering a lecture on the doorstep."

a1c02p004

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- seized his friend's hand. "ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , I only mean . . . I only hope . . . How shall I express it?"

a1c02p005

ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- looked very seriously at her friend, who was pale with excitement. "Go on, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ."

a1c02p006

And then he blurted out: ". . . That he will not regard me merely as a sorry renegade . . . because . . . I would rather be a woman than a man."

a1c02p007

"No, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , I will answer for that."

a1c02p008

Footsteps were heard inside the house.

a1c02p009

The door was opened and a servant received
[Page 23]
them; but before he had found time to announce them a tall, thin gentleman advanced to meet them. A dark-blue sakkoanzug *See note. emphasized the austere elegance of his appearance in an almost military manner. His hair, which was brushed in a smooth mass across his high forehead, was dark, while his small moustache, trimmed in American style, was of a light fair colour.

a1c02p010

When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- later on tried to recall these features to memory his mind was a mere blank every time. From those blue, deep-set eyes, which were bright and dark at the same time, radiated a strange, captivating charm.

a1c02p011

It was Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- .

a1c02p012

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- felt his heart beat faster. While the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- was conducting them with a somewhat ceremonious cordiality into the drawing-room, exchanging the while a few words with ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , it occurred to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- for the first time in his life that German was a beautiful and musical language.

a1c02p013

As in a dream he listened to the conversation between the two, even when ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- was telling the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- about him and his doleful story, throwing him now and again, as if accidentally, a quick, affectionate glance.

a1c02p014

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- could think of nothing, and was conscious of nothing but the doctor's voice. It was as if he were laid under a spell, the spell of this voice. It reminded him of the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's eyes; it, too, was light and dark at the same time. Both the eyes and the voice penetrated into the innermost recesses of his soul.

a1c02p015

And what would this voice have to say to him?
[Page 24]
And these eyes, what would their glance announce to him?

a1c02p016

A death sentence? Did he expect anything other than this? Did he expect anything at all? Had he come here for any definite purpose?

a1c02p017

The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- stood in front of him, hardly looked at him, and spoke only a few brief words to him. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- followed the professorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- into an anteroom, where he was told to undress. "Now I feel like a sleepwalker," thought AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- in a vague and remote manner. He must obey, without questioning. He wanted to say something, and fumbled for German words.

a1c02p018

"You need not give me any explanations, sir," the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- interrupted him considerately.

a1c02p019

"It hurts here, doesn't it, and there, and likewise there, doesn't it?" And his hand slowly glided over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' body. All that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- needed to do was to nod quickly and shyly. An almost terrifying astonishment gripped him. How did this strange man know where his pains were located?

a1c02p020

And this astonishment grew into amazement when the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , to whom ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- had handed a bundle of photographs of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., took the portraits out of the envelope and laid them on the table in the order of the years marked on their backs, which the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had not observed.

a1c02p021

"There we have the development clearly marked," said the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- bluntly. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- did not even nod.

a1c02p022

"I hear you have had Röntgen Rays treatment by a radiologist; but unless he previously made chemical or microscopical examinations it is impossible to say whether he exerted an
[Page 25]
unfavourable effect upon the germ glands, and perhaps upon any existing ovaries . . . this must be disclosed by a further examination."

a1c02p023

"Ovaries!" AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- almost shrieked. "Then . . . I . . . have . . ." He could get no further. He could scarcely breathe from excitement. Everything was going round.

a1c02p024

"Extremely probable," replied the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , imperturbable and positive; yet the sound of his voice seemed slightly muffled, very soft and discreet. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was to be reminded continually of this lightly veiled voice, and not merely AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . "For I think you possess both male and female organs, and that neither of them has sufficient room to develop properly. It is fortunate for you that you have such a pronounced feminine feeling. That's why I think I shall be able to help you."

a1c02p025

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had to clutch at his heart. He leaned over, in order not to miss a single word that fell from the lips of this amazing man. He stared fixedly at him, expecting to find confirmation of his words in his glance.

a1c02p026

"Well, ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , what am I? . . . What . . . ?"

a1c02p027

The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- rose, paced up and down the room for a while as if to think the matter over, and then turned to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- again. And once more AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- drank in his words.

a1c02p028

"Come to me in GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe. I hope I shall be able to give you a new life and a new youth."

a1c02p029

These words were uttered with extreme simplicity.

a1c02p030

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- stood up and struggled for speech.

a1c02p031

"Then it will be LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who survives?"

a1c02p032

"Yes," answered Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . "I will operate on you, and give you new and strong ovaries.
[Page 26]
This operation will remove the stoppage in your development which occurred at the age of puberty. But first of all you will have to undergo various treatment of a preliminary nature in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. Then you can come to me in DresdenDresden -- City in Germany."

a1c02p033

With these words ended the serious and fateful conversation between the strange man and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , who was still sitting a little breathless when the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- brought ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- into his consulting-room. And she smiled to conceal her emotion.

a1c02p034

The doctorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- stood apart from them thoughtfully, and looked suddenly at AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and then at ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . "May I speak quite openly?" he said, glancing from one to the other.

a1c02p035

"Please do," replied AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . "I have no secrets from ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ."

a1c02p036

"Well, then," began the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , "I hear that you are married."

a1c02p037

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- blushed with embarrassment.

a1c02p038

"Your marriage . . . perhaps you can tell me something about it, because, as a doctor, at any rate . . ."

a1c02p039

Each of them was conscious of something fantastic at this moment, although the question seemed the most natural thing in the world.

a1c02p040

"Perhaps I had better go," suggested ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , full of solicitude for her friend.

a1c02p041

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- caught hold of her. "No, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , no, don't go."

a1c02p042

The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- came to the assistance of both. His smile worked at this moment like a deliverance. "What is the attitude, for instance, of—I thought I heard the name LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. just now—well, of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., towards men? I mean, do men interest LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.?"

Page 27
a1c02p043

"Yes, indeed," laughed ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ; "it is positively incredible what an attraction LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has for the other sex."

a1c02p044

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- attempted to interrupt her. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- was now laughing heartily.

a1c02p045

"Let the lady go on, please." And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had perforce to listen while she continued: "I have seen it with my own eyes at various carnivals and balls."

a1c02p046

The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- became serious again. "What you have just told me, madam, is all of a piece with the picture I have formed in my own mind. . . . For the rest, the operation which has become necessary, especially as it is the first of its kind, will create a number of remarkable situations, not least, from a legal point of view. But"—and with this he came close to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and took his hand—"I promise you I will not leave LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in the lurch and that I will assist her with her first independent steps into life."

a1c02p047

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- looked down at the stranger's hand. He did not know what he ought to do. He looked helplessly around the room, then released the doctor's hand and stretched out both arms to ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , as if imploring help. She hurried to him and embraced him maternally.

a1c02p048

"ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- ," he stammered through his tears, "the life which is now coming with which I shall have nothing whatever to do . . . this life, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , you have saved. Without you, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- , I should never have come here."

a1c02p049

Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- was standing in front of the window, looking silently into the street.

a1c02p050

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- went towards him, weeping. The ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- took his hands and said quietly: "I understand you. I know how much you have suffered."

Page 28

III.

a1c03p001

For hours GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had been waiting in the little studio for her husband's return.

a1c03p002

When at last he entered, he was as pale as death. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- hurried to him. She led him to the sofa, upon which he collapsed helplessly. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- remained sitting by him for a long time without saying a word.

a1c03p003

When at length AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- began to speak, she listened to him with closed eyes, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- too spoke with closed eyes. How much of it all was a dream? And how much reality? Did that which was then beginning mean redemption, the redemption? Whither led the way for him, for her, for both?

a1c03p004

And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , completely upset by all that he had just experienced, told his story in broken words.

a1c03p005

At length he rose to his feet. Without a word he took GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's hands and led her to the easel in front of the broad window, through which the northern sky was lighting up the room. A large picture was leaning against the easel, upon which three female figures were to be seen. One of the women bore GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's features, another bore ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's features, and the third figure bore AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' —LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s features!

a1c03p006

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ," he then said, "be thankful that you
[Page 29]
have believed in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to the last. You know that I have never been able to doubt her. I knew that the day would come. . . . I am so happy."

. . . . .

a1c03p007

On the evening of this fateful day AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- collapsed. His powers of resistance were at an end.

a1c03p008

Not until then did he dare to acknowledge to himself how great his torment and despair had been during these last years. Now he could be frank with himself. Now he must be. . . . Yet he badly needed help, but had a friend who would assist him, his brother-in-lawbrother-in-law (fictional) Linked to: #thomsenTC -- Andreas Sparre's sister's husband., in whom he had confided for years and who knew the secret of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- poured out his heart to his distant relative.

a1c03l01ha

"ParisParis -- City in France.

a1c03l01hb

"29th January, 1930.

a1c03l01hc

"Dear Christianbrother-in-law (fictional) Linked to: #thomsenTC -- Andreas Sparre's sister's husband.,

a1c03l01p01

"You have not heard from me for a long time, because I have been able to tell you nothing good about LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. From time to time I have been examined by several doctors, but without result. Throughout they prescribed sedative remedies, which left me no better nor wiser than I was before. For I want to know what is happening to me, even if it hurts. After consulting with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- took me to one of her personal acquaintances, who received me three hours before he was leaving ParisParis -- City in France. Then something happened which sounds almost like a miracle! I had a consultation with the famous surgeon and woman's doctor Professor Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ,
[Page 30]
of DresdenDresden -- City in Germany. Strangely enough, he resembled you. He examined me a long time, and then declared that my case was so rare that only one similar case had been known up till now. He added that in the condition in which I am at present, I could hardly be regarded as a living creature, because the ray treatment had been a great mistake, especially as it had not been preceded by microscopical examination. Now he fears that this treatment in the dark may have destroyed my organs—male as well as female. Consequently, he wants me to go to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany as quickly as possible for the purpose of a microscopical examination.

a1c03l01p02

"Some time afterwards he will operate on me himself. He wants to remove the dead (and formerly imperfect) male organs, and to restore the female organs with new and fresh material. Then it will be LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who will survive!

a1c03l01p03

"Her weak girl's body will then be able to develop, and she will feel as young as her new and fresh organs. Dear Christianbrother-in-law (fictional) Linked to: #thomsenTC -- Andreas Sparre's sister's husband., I am now sitting here and weeping like a child while I am writing you these lines. It seems so like a miracle that I dare not believe it. One thing, however, consoles me—that were it otherwise I must soon die. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I believe we are dreaming, and are fearful of waking. It is too wonderful to think that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. will be able to live, and that she will be the happiest girl in the world—and that this ghastly nightmare of my life is drawing to an end. This wretched comedy as a man! Without GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- I should have thrown up the sponge long ago. But in these dark days I have
[Page 31]
had a fresh opportunity of seeing what a splendid girl she is . . . she is an angel. Over-exertions, her own sufferings, have left her unscathed. She has contrived to work for two, now that I am no longer worth much. I do what I am able, of course, and have exhibited and sold with success in all the important Salons. But now all this is over. I am no longer fit for anything. I am like a wretched grub which is waiting to become a butterfly. The operation is urgent, and the doctorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- would like me to proceed to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany immediately, as some twenty days must elapse between the first examination and the operation. And I must be in DresdenDresden -- City in Germany on the day he is ready to create LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. He will send me medicine, which I am to take, in order to support the internal organs and thereby keep me alive until then. For practical reasons I begged for some delay, and I told him that I should prefer so to arrange matters as to proceed to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany via CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, as I wanted first to hold an exhibition in DenmarkDenmark -- Country in Europe. I would then proceed from BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany at the beginning of April.

a1c03l01p04

"This does not particularly please the doctorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ; but he understood that I had suggested this for practical reasons.

a1c03l01p05

"Now, I do not know whether it is due to excitement, but my condition has worsened to such an extent that I no longer feel able to make preparations for an exhibition and attend to everything it involves—I realize that I have no time to lose.

a1c03l01p06

"Hence, I want your help.

a1c03l01p07

"Will you lend me the money for the operation and the stay in the nursing-home? I do not know
[Page 32]
how much it will cost. I only know that ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- has so arranged it that the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- is taking an exceptionally low fee. Out of consideration for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- I dare not take money from our savings; the less so as our trip to RomeRome -- City in Italy and my illness has cost us so much.

a1c03l01p08

"I—or we—have deposited many pictures with Messrs. HeymanHeyman (historical) -- Danish art dealer who exhibited Einar's and Gerda's work and HaslundOle Georg Haslund (historical) -- Danish art dealer who exhibited Einar's and Gerda's work; he is named in the narrative rather than given a fictional name, of CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, and I estimate their value to be between 7,000 and 10,000 kronen. I do not, however, know what the operation will cost, but I estimate it will come to between 4,000 and 5,000 kronen in all. I give you all these pictures in DenmarkDenmark -- Country in Europe by way of security in the event of my death—and in any event. If the affair turns out badly, the pictures can be sold, and if it turns out well, we can soon repay you the money. Our earning powers are good, and we have many large orders.

a1c03l01p09

"Tell no one except my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister anything of the contents of this letter, and be good enough to let me know what you decide as quickly as possible, first by telegram and then by letter.

a1c03l01p10

"It is only because I have the feeling that death is on my track that I send you this letter. Up till now I have never incurred debts in any quarter. Warmest greetings to you and the sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister from GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and

a1c03l01fa

"AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ."

a1c03p009

Two days later his brother-in-lawbrother-in-law (fictional) Linked to: #thomsenTC -- Andreas Sparre's sister's husband.'s answer arrived: a short telegram:

a1c03p010

"Don't worry. Whatever you need is at your disposal."

Page 33
a1c03p011

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- breathed again; he began to summon up new courage.

a1c03p012

Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had promised to send him early news, the signal to strike his tent.

a1c03p013

One evening he said to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- : "I often find myself thinking of my old schoolmaster now. He used to tell us the story of the negroes of Saint CroixSt. Croix -- , who broke out into revolt a day before their emancipation from slavery. Now I understand their feelings. I feel I can wait no longer."

a1c03p014

A few days later, on a Monday morning, ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- received a telegram from a friend in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany directing AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to arrive in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany not later than the following Saturday and to stay at a specified hotel, which the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- frequented during his visits to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. A letter would be awaiting AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- in the hotel.

a1c03p015

Two days later AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was on his way to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany.

a1c03p016

GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- accompanied him to the train.

a1c03p017

Since the arrival of the telegram he had scarcely uttered a word. He seemed like a man living in a dream. Every joy and every sorrow he shut up in his heart. Even at the moment of farewell he scarcely betrayed any excitement. To be alone . . . to get away . . . fleeing towards a new fate . . . fleeing from past and future . . . and—to refrain from thinking until the goal was reached. . . . What goal?

Page 34

IV.

a1c04p001

The train moved slowly away. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had a seat by the window.

a1c04p002

Out of old habit he had lit a cigarette. One after another he smoked. . . . From time to time he mechanically flicked off the ashes.

a1c04p003

He was a prey to that complete mental lassitude which so frequently supervenes upon hasty travel preparations the moment the traveller suddenly finds himself alone in the departing train.

a1c04p004

Horrible ideas assailed him when he suddenly realized that he had now surrendered himself. He fell into a fever of apprehension.

a1c04p005

Suddenly he had a vision of the two beloved faces. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . . . ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . . . and gradually the two faces changed into one. . . .He had only one name for them both: home, and now, it occurred to him, ParisParis -- City in France.

a1c04p006

He looked out, as if he were seeking them: ParisParis -- City in France . . . ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . . . GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

a1c04p007

When farewells were being said he had not once leaned but of the window. . . . The Eiffel TowerEiffel Tower -- In Paris, France . . . the mirage in the sky of the towering dome: Sacré CœurSacré-Coeur -- . . . ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . . . GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . . . all had vanished for ever.

a1c04p008

For ever? Yes, for ever! And he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , would never return to ParisParis -- City in France.

a1c04p009

Perhaps another being. . . . He was unable to pursue the thought to its end.
[Page 35]
GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . . . ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . . . ParisParis -- City in France. . . . This triad accompanied him, the fugitive. Now he heard it suddenly in the rhythm of the train: fugitive . . . fugitive. . . .

a1c04p010

The train raced through northern Francenorthern France -- Country in Europe.

a1c04p011

Across the landscape new townships were springing up out of the ruins. Here and there were vast, strange-looking rectangles with fantastic crops. They were not cornfields: they were fields of crosses, soldiers' cemeteries, plantations of the dead. Cross set close to cross as far as eye could see.

a1c04p012

And he thought of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . Why had he not allowed her to accompany him? She had implored him to do so. And yet he had forced her to remain behind in ParisParis -- City in France . . . and to wait. He pulled himself together, lit a cigarette, and put the thought out of his mind.

a1c04p013

The train reached the frontier between FranceFrance -- Country in Europe and BelgiumBelgium -- . He gazed indifferently out of the window. The last seat in the compartment was now occupied.

a1c04p014

Through BelgiumBelgium -- the train crawled at a snail's pace. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- strolled up and down the dining-car and mixed a cocktail. It was not yet six o'clock. The train stopped at every tiny village. Passengers alighted and entered in a leisurely way, as if they had endless time on their hands.

a1c04p015

Then the German frontier was reached, and a new engine imparted new energy to the journey. Slowly the night descended, and soon the train was rushing through the darkness.

a1c04p016

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had lingered over his meal in the dining-car and had drunk more wine than usual to deaden his feelings and lull the pain caused him by the
[Page 36]
vibration and rolling of the train. But he must return to his compartment. He could scarcely keep on his feet. At length he sank back in his corner again, clenched his teeth, and closed his eyes. All his bridges were burned. Everything lay behind him. His whole life seemed to him to be something that was past, something that was lost.

a1c04p017

He resolved not to think. But his brain gave him no rest. Would it not perhaps be best to abandon this fantastic experiment? For what it was proposed to do to him was only an experiment after all. Would it not have been more rational to live out his life to the end as it was shaped for him, to let this life ebb away from him?

a1c04p018

He thought of the letter which he had lately written to Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- :

a1c04p019

"Yours for life and death, provided LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. survives."

a1c04p020

Every particle of masculine pride that dwelt in him stirred and gripped him. "I must reach the goal. I must hold out." He spoke his thoughts half aloud, and several fellow-travellers regarded him inquiringly.

a1c04p021

He had to laugh. . . . Not in vain was he a native of CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, where nothing is ever taken seriously.

a1c04p022

"So," said AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to himself, "let us write our obituary. It's not a matter to be taken tragically."

a1c04p023

And then he began rapidly to compose the sort of notice that would be published, appraising him as artist.

a1c04p024

"The painter Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is dead. He died in the train between ParisParis -- City in France and BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. His
[Page 37]
fellow-travellers thought he had fallen asleep in one of the corner seats of his compartment. The cause of death was probably a heart attack.

a1c04p025

"A happy and harmonious artistic life here came to an abrupt close. He was a man in the prime of life. After searching for a long time and experimenting in various ways, he seemed to have found his style. His pictures, which mostly originated in FranceFrance -- Country in Europe and ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, were sometimes bright and bathed in colour, sometimes dark and somewhat sombre, but always charged with sentiment and natural feeling. Two subjects he preferred above all else: ParisParis -- City in France, whose embankments, bridges, and towers he succeeded, with no little mastery, in reproducing in their lightly veiled pearl-grey atmosphere, and landscapes under lowering skies, showing in vivid lights the trees and houses in the background. It was especially in pictures of the latter kind, these strong, very masculinely conceived storm pictures, that Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- found an outlet for his talent.

a1c04p026

"We, who were acquainted with his soft, often effeminate appearance, and his laughing, joyous tones in conversation, noted this with astonishment, and the thought frequently struck us that whatever masculine force resided in him found its outlet in these strong, somewhat wild and wilful pictures.

a1c04p027

"He painted very quickly, and thus it happened that he found time to devote himself to many other things beside his art. His knowledge was really comprehensive. Very characteristic was an answer which we once heard from his own lips, in the TrianonTrianon -- , addressed by him to an older
[Page 38]
colleague. The latter had expressed his annoyance at the fact that a young colleague was beginning a picture in what he thought was too systematic a way. 'You must pardon me if I don't share your view,' retorted Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , 'but I do believe that it is impossible to paint a leaf of a rose correctly unless one knows the last thing about the influence of Assyrian bas-relief upon the sculpture of the Greeks.'

a1c04p028

"On another occasion he expressed himself in the following way: 'I cannot understand how lightly most of my older colleagues take their art—how easily satisfied they are with their performances. As for me, I calculate I should require a thousand years to become a decent painter.' Thus seriously did Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- take his art, at any rate.

a1c04p029

"The greater portion of his life he had spent far from his Danish home—in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe, HollandHolland -- , GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe, and FranceFrance -- Country in Europe. He lived mostly in ParisParis -- City in France.

a1c04p030

"The reason why he turned his back in early manhood on CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, although his art was highly appreciated there from the beginning, was because CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark and DenmarkDenmark -- Country in Europe did not seem to him to be the right soil for his wife's art. In CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark he had frequently been obliged to hear how much his pictures were preferred to those of his wife. And that was perhaps the worst thing that could be said to him. In ParisParis -- City in France, where the contrary was generally the case, he felt at home for this very reason. He felt his wife's successes as his own successes, for his dominant characteristic was chivalry towards his wife, as towards women generally.

a1c04p031

"For the rest, his was a complex, enigmatic
[Page 39]
nature. Despite the inevitable influences to which every artist in ParisParis -- City in France is exposed, he remained fundamentally a Northern painter, and his art, in its quintessence, had little affinity with Latin, but every affinity with Teutonic influences. His personal outlook was European. He maintained a constant intercourse with French philosophers and writers, with Polish violinists, with Russian architects, and German painters.

a1c04p032

"In collaboration with a French friendCh. Gyuot (historical) -- he wrote a book about Northern sagas, which passed through many editions in ParisParis -- City in France. Of this he was not a little proud. And he took pleasure in the fact that through this book he had been the means of opening the eyes of the Latin reading world to the Teutonic world of ideas, an undertaking which in the post-War period (the book appeared in the year 1924) deserves praise as the throwing of an intellectual bridge between the Latin and the Teutonic worlds.

a1c04p033

"Without being himself a practised musician, he cherished a deep love of music.

a1c04p034

"In recent years his health had not been particularly good. He had frequently complained of pains, but always in a restrained and smiling way, so that even the doctors whom he was eventually obliged to consult were misled as to his real condition or were unable to realize the serious state of his health.

a1c04p035

"And now death has so abruptly—and to the deep sorrow of his many friends near and far—terminated this versatile artistic career, which to all of us who have known him must seem like an unfinished romance. . . ."

Page 40
a1c04p036

"Full stop," said AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to himself. "Full stop." And he thought that, in much the same language as he had just been using, someone else had secretly written down his career in a diary—GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , his faithful life's companion, as she too thought that he would die suddenly. One night he had found her asleep over her diary. He was careful not to let GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- suspect that he knew of the existence of this diary.

a1c04p037

The train had passed AixAix -- long ago. Would they never reach CologneCologne -- City in Germany? he moaned inwardly.

a1c04p038

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had not booked a sleeping-berth. He did not care for this modern travelling comfort. To be perched aloft with perfect strangers was repellent to his fastidiousness. An unconquerable aversion forbade him to undress in the presence of other men. He had often been chaffed on this account. Only GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- understood his repugnance.

a1c04p039

At last, CologneCologne -- City in Germany! All his fellow travellers left the compartment. "They have sleeping-berths," thought AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- gleefully. He was left alone.

a1c04p040

After a short time the train started again. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- lit a fresh cigarette. Would the pain leave him in peace until he reached his destination, BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany? If he could only sleep just this one night! If he could only banish thought for just this one night!

a1c04p041

He took off his coat and laid it under his head, so that he might lie higher, and wrapped himself in his cloak. Before he had felt too hot . . . now he began to shiver. He rose from his seat, drew down the curtains in front of the windows, and switched off the light. Then he laid down again.

a1c04p042

The pains racked him afresh. He drew his cloak over his face.



                        EINAR WEGENER (ANDREAS SPARRE) POSING AS LILI, PARIS,
                        1926
EINAR WEGENEREinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ) POSING AS LILILili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., PARISParis -- City in France, 1926

Page 41
a1c04p043

Then he fell asleep, and slept for several hours.

a1c04p044

"HanoverHanover -- ! . . . HanoverHanover -- !" the porters were shouting, And then again, a long way off: "HanoverHanover -- !"

a1c04p045

The sound of hammers was heard tapping the wheels, coming nearer and nearer. Doors were flung open and slammed.

a1c04p046

A shrill whistle blew and slowly the train moved off again.

a1c04p047

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was half leaning, half lying on the seat in a drowsy state. Suddenly he jumped to his feet. The door of his carriage was flung open. The drawn curtains were pushed aside.

a1c04p048

A lady was standing in front of the door. Her silhouette was sharply defined against the light in the corridor.

a1c04p049

The darkness in his compartment seemed for a moment to intimidate her. But only for a moment. Then she threw a small trunk upon the rack and sank wearily into the nearest empty corner seat, next to the door leading to the corridor.

a1c04p050

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- switched on the light again.

a1c04p051

He suppressed his ill-humour at being thus suddenly jerked out of his solitude. "The train will not stop again until it reaches BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany," he thought, "and so there is no hope of being alone again." Should he move into the adjoining compartment? Perhaps it was empty. But he immediately rejected the idea. He could not hurt the lady's feelings by appearing discourteous.

a1c04p052

He sat up straight in his seat, and observed his companion without her noticing it.

a1c04p053

What struck him was the expression of her eyes. She did not seem to be seeing him at all; she did
[Page 42]
not seem to be aware that she was sharing the tiny compartment with a man.

a1c04p054

He looked in front of him. He stared at his fingers. But his eyes were soon fixed on her again, and he noted with astonishment that she was weeping.

a1c04p055

The tears were starting from her eyes. She must have seen that he was looking at her; but in spite of this she did not make the least attempt to hide her weeping or dry her tears.

a1c04p056

She was obviously quite young. Plaits of fair hair framed a smooth, narrow, girlish forehead. Her eyes, dimmed with tears, were bright blue and at other times could sparkle with gaiety. She had removed her gloves. He noticed a plain ring on a finger of her left hand. She was a bride, then.

a1c04p057

Profound sympathy stirred in him.

a1c04p058

"Mademoiselle . . ." he began.

a1c04p059

She did not seem to hear him. Probably he had spoken too softly, or the roar of the train had drowned his words.

a1c04p060

Then it occurred to him that he was now in GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe.

a1c04p061

"Gnädiges Fräulein . . ." he repeated, almost embarrassed.

a1c04p062

She raised her weeping eyes. "What an enchanting bride!" thought AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- .

a1c04p063

"I should like so much to help you," he said. "You seem to be in great trouble. . . ."

a1c04p064

He could get no further. She covered her face with her hands and wept as if her heart would break. Then, between her sobs, she handed him a folded newspaper, which she had been hugging the whole time. Only then did AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- notice it. He
[Page 43]
took the paper, but did not know what to do with it. He rose from his seat and sat beside the weeping girl and stroked her hand. She became calmer.

a1c04p065

It appeared that her husband, a well-known musicianpianist XX of Hanover -- , had gone to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany two days before in order to give a concert in that city. This very evening he had been expected to return. On the way to the station to meet him, she had chanced to buy a newspaper, the newspaper which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was now holding in his hand, and in it she had read . . .

a1c04p066

She pointed to the place on the front page and wept again.

a1c04p067

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- read:

a1c04p068

The young pianist XX of HanoverHanover -- pianist XX of Hanover -- , who gave a successful concert yesterday evening in the XX hall, met with an accident on the way to his hotel, his taxi-cab colliding with a tramcar. He is now lying in hospital with very serious injuries. His condition gives rise to the gravest anxiety.

a1c04p069

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was shocked when he read the report. He had offered his help to the unhappy bride. Now he felt like an idle chatterer.

a1c04p070

And yet, little as he had ever been able to help himself, in the case of others he had frequently been able to alleviate pain by means of a mystic force which appeared to dwell in him. How often had not GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- assured him of this?

a1c04p071

The young lady's feverish hands were now lying in his. He clasped them tightly for a long time. At first she quivered like a captive bird. Then the quivering grew less and less. He did not utter a word; he merely stroked very softly the limp, girlish hands. She too was silent. He could hear her
[Page 44]
gentle breathing, and then her breathing became more and more regular. Her head sank on his shoulder, and she fell asleep. Now her heart was beating softly against his hand, which he had been obliged to place around her to afford her support.

a1c04p072

And he smiled happily at the thought that something of that hidden enigmatic force was still left in him to-day.

a1c04p073

More than once he tried to move; but each time his companion trembled like a sick child, whimpering in slumber. He therefore remained sitting in a rigid position. And gradually the roar of the train rocked him lightly to sleep also.

a1c04p074

It was not long before he awoke, and the thought of his position forced a smile to his lips.

a1c04p075

Here he was now sitting, he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , of CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, whom life had drifted to ParisParis -- City in France, and who was now being driven northward by a fantastic destiny, overwhelmed with his own grief and needing help and assistance if ever a person did, and chance had selected just him to give consolation to a perfect stranger, to help her over a dark hour of her existence—perhaps her darkest hour. And here was this little German lady, the wife of an unknown manpianist XX of Hanover -- , lying in his arms. And she and he, each of them, were journeying, guided by by some blind providence, towards their own fates . . . somewhere in GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe.

a1c04p076

These were the thoughts that kept running through his mind.

a1c04p077

And then a few secret tears splashed down his cheeks, and it suddenly dawned upon him why all this had so happened. This charming creature from HanoverHanover -- , who was now slumbering
[Page 45]
in his arms like a blissfully confiding child, had been sent him as the last woman towards whom he could act as a protective male—before parting for ever from woman, from the eternal-feminine.

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So his thoughts assumed these vague shapes, while on the other side of the window a foggy morning was dawning, and the train was rushing through the sea of houses which constituted BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany.

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He realized that he must awaken his travelling companion.

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With a shriek of anguish she started out of her sleep, and gazed at him in utter perplexity. "Oh, he can't be dead!" Her words again dissolved in tears.

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"Child," he said, speaking in a soft and confident voice, "child, I do not know your name, and you do not know mine, but please believe me when I say that I know he is alive."

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She seized both his hands and covered them with kisses.

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"Yes, indeed," he assured her, "make your mind quite easy."

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"Oh, I am quite at ease! How you have helped me! I shall never forget what you have done."

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A few minutes later she was lost in the crowd of people on the platform. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- gazed after her for a long time. The newspaper which she had given him during the night was the only memento which he retained.

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A few days later AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- happened to read in a newspaper that the husband of his unknown travelling companion pianist XX of Hanover -- was on the road to recovery.

Page 46

V

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In the company of a porter AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- walked the short distance from the station to the hotel.

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"How devilish cold it is here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, although it is the first of March!" he confided in a tone of surprise to the man who was carrying his two trunks. "In ParisParis -- City in France it is already spring."

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"Yes, in ParisParis -- City in France," replied the honest fellow, "in ParisParis -- City in France." And this ended the conversation.

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- turned up his collar. His teeth were really chattering. He was exhausted after passing an almost sleepless night and plunging into the midst of a strange world. But the unexpected coldness of the temperature kept his senses fully alert.

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Suddenly, before he reached the neighbouring hotel, the thought struck him: "These two trunks contain my very last articles of clothing, shirts, collars. . . . How absurd!"

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A feeling of defiance welled up in him, as if the man were at bay, the man within him.

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In the hotel, where the manager had been advised of his arrival, he was treated with exquisite courtesy. He immediately inquired whether Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , who was in the habit of staying in this hotel almost every week-end, had perchance already arrived. He was disappointed to learn that this was not so, nor had any letter been left for him with the porter.

Page 47
a1c05p008

A few minutes later he went to his room. He took a warm bath, and by the time he had breakfasted all his troubles were forgotten.

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ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- 's woman friendBaronin Schildt (fictional) -- Modeled on Anne-Marie Goldschmidt-Rothschild, the sender of the fateful telegram which had prompted his journey to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, soon rang him up.

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"Welcome to BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany," her voice sounded over the telephone. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- immediately recognized the voice of Baroness SchildtBaronin Schildt (fictional) -- Modeled on Anne-Marie Goldschmidt-Rothschild, whom he had met in ParisParis -- City in France on a number of occasions with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and their two friends.

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"We have everything ready. And so that no time may be lost, some specialists whom Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- has been consulting will be getting into touch with you, probably to-day or to-morrow."

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Some minutes later, Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, a doctor whom he had never heard of before, made an appointment with him for twelve o'clock.

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And scarcely had this visit been arranged than the telephone rang again. Niels HvideNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, an old CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark friend, a lawyer and a poet at the same time, who had been living in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany for years, called him up.

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"Hullo, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ."

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"How do you know that—"

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- sent me a long telegram yesterday, and early this morning an express letter from her followed. The letter has therefore been racing you. You must come and see us at once. IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- and I will keep the morning coffee hot until you arrive."

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An address and directions were hastily written down. A few minutes afterwards AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was on his way, and half an hour later he was in his friend's house.

Page 48
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A splendid fellow, this NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative—a blond giant from North JutlandNortj Jutland -- In Denmark, where his family were old landed proprietors.

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IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , his wife, was the type of the modern cultivated woman. Henna-red hair contrasted piquantly with her large blue eyes. Both were globe-trotters. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had often undertaken long journeys with them together. Intimate as they had all been with one another, however, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and his wife had hitherto been unaware of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' secret.

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He was received most cordially. They had breakfast and spoke about indifferent subjects as long as IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- was in the room. Then NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative blurted out:

a1c05p021

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- has told me something which I can't quite understand in this letter which came early this morning. You can, of course, read it."

a1c05p022

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- retorted. "No; the letter is addressed to you."

a1c05p023

On the walls of the room hung a few pictures, painted by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . Involuntarily AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- looked up at them. The first picture, painted by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , was—LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

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"Yes," said NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative delicately, "now I understand a good deal of what used to seem like a fantastic idea about you both—seeing you crop up so often as a female model in GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's pictures."

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A brief silence followed this remark.

a1c05p026

"Well, old fellow," resumed NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, "some hints which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- let fall about you a year ago in ParisParis -- City in France showed me then that your life appeared to be taking a strange turn. Whether the change that is now in store for you is a happy or a disastrous
[Page 49]
one, you can be assured of this—that you have entrusted your fate here to the best and most conscientious hands. Everything now depends upon whether you will have the strength to go through with it. You seem tired. But"—and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative laughed merrily—"it really is a most extraordinary thing for a man to be faced with the choice of whether he will survive in this world of multiplying sensations as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , or"—and then he pointed to the picture—"as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

a1c05p027

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- looked hard at his friend. "Faced with the choice, you say. . . . No, I do not think it is a question of that, but of something much more serious, of life or death, in fact; for believe me, the man you are talking to is condemned to death. And now the question is, whether that being there"—and he pointed to the portrait—"can be summoned into existence and take up the battle of life."

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative now spoke very seriously. "Yes, and what seems to be the most important thing at the moment is that you should be perfectly clear in your own mind how this strange, fantastic change which you have been undergoing from childhood until now—that is, during a normal human life—has been proceeding; in what gradual manner, therefore, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has been gaining the upper hand over AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ."

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"That is so," replied AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , looking at his watch; "but now I must be off to my first arbiter of life and death, to Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. And when I have finished with him I must probably go further . . . through the whole round."

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"Agreed," laughed NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative jovially; "and when
[Page 50]
you have finished your lesson you will come again to us. And now, neck or nothing!"

. . . . .

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Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, the inventor of a new method of blood-testing, received AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- in a very considerate manner. He put a series of questions which, although of a delicate nature, were answered by AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- without the least hesitation.

a1c05p032

During the long and elaborate examinations— (the main thing was to determine the vital condition of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- by an analysis of his blood)—AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- exerted all his will-power to exclude thought. The doctor conducted him from the study into a comfortably furnished room. "If you would like to smoke, please do so," he said. After chatting for a short time about unimportant things, Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified intimated to his patient that he must now submit himself for a special examination by his friend Dr. HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- , the sexual psychologist. "My colleague HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- has had so much experience in the more 'emotional' sphere—whatever we may think of this from the scientific standpoint—that I, at any rate, cannot ignore his opinion in what may so specially affect your person. When they have dismissed you there, you will have to go to Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, another colleague. He and I, in fact, have to determine the hormone content of your blood, while colleague HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- has to pronounce a purely psychological opinion upon you and the person in you whom you call LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. In any case I shall be glad if you will call on me again to-morrow morning. The result of these various 'tests' to which we have to subject you
[Page 51]
will then be forwarded to your protector, Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ."

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"Your protector." . . . These words made AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' heart beat faster, and when, shortly afterwards, he was sitting in a waiting-room of the spacious Institute for PsychiatryInstitute for Psychiatry -- Fictional name in narrative for Institut für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, Germany, he was obliged to keep repeating these two words to himself—otherwise all his courage would have oozed away. "Why have I been sent here?" he wondered. "What have I to do here?" He felt intensely uncomfortable. In this large room a group of abnormal persons seemed to be holding a meeting—women who appeared to be dressed up as men, and men of whom one could scarcely believe that they were men. The manner in which they were conversing disgusted him; their movements, their voices, the way in which they were attired, produced a feeling of nausea.

a1c05p034

At length Dr. HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- appeared and ushered him into his consulting-room. By means of a thousand penetrating questions, this man explored the patient's emotional life for hours. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had to submit to an inquisition of the most ruthless kind. The shame of shamelessness is something that actually exists, he thought, during these hours, and clung to this definition, which he had once found in some philosophical work, in an effort to banish the feeling he had of standing there as if in the pillory. His emotional life was undergoing an ordeal which resembled running the gauntlet.

a1c05p035

And when this torture came at last to an end, the inquisitor dismissed him with the words: "I shall expect you to-morrow morning at the same time."

Page 52
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Then it was Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified's turn. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had by now acquired a sort of routine in answering the questions put to him. This examination took the form of a conversation throughout. Before AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was aware of it, he found himself in the midst of a real "masculine conversation", its theme being the political relations between FranceFrance -- Country in Europe and GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe. And thus, quite incidentally, the doctor introduced a long, fine syringe into AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' arm, in order to take a blood test.

a1c05p037

Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified also dismissed him with the words: "And I will see you again in the morning."

a1c05p038

Exhausted by his ordeal, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- at length made his way to NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and Inger HvideInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- in the evening.

a1c05p039

"No," he exclaimed, "don't ask me anything now. I am not fit to answer questions. Let us rather take a good walk through your Babylon on the SpreeBerlin -- City in Germany round the KurfürstendammKurfürstendamm -- . I must see men, healthy men."

a1c05p040

IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- had a previous engagement for the evening; but NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative accepted his friend's proposal with alacrity.

a1c05p041

They proceeded first to a Russian restaurant, where they enjoyed a supper of many courses, washed down with several glasses of vodka. Then they sampled German, French, Hungarian, and Spanish wines in bars and cafés of the most various kind. To the surprise of them both, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- proved a good tippling comrade this evening.

a1c05p042

"Your health, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- !" said NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, who had again remarked his friend's astonishing drinking capacity. "You are really a strange fellow. This evening you are behaving just like a rake—and to-morrow you will perhaps be insisting that henceforth I must treat you like a lady. When I look at you
[Page 53]
I can hardly believe that there is not something wonderful about it all. But perhaps from the very beginning not only have two souls dwelt within your breast in the sense of GoetheGoethe (fictional) -- German author, but two beings, two whole beings. . . . I hardly know how to express myself."

a1c05p043

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- regarded him calmly. "I know what you are trying to get at. It is difficult to make head or tail of this change, difficult for me, but much more difficult for others. And the strangest thing of all, believe me, is that each of the beings within me is healthy and perfectly normal in its emotional life."

a1c05p044

"And it is just that which is perhaps the abnormal and incredible thing about your case," declared Neils. "I have known you for years, I mean"—and then he laughed slightly—"as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , for you have been silent about LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to us friends. And as a man you have always seemed to me unquestionably healthy. I have, indeed, seen with my own eyes that you attract women, and that is the clearest proof that you are a genuine fellow." He paused, and then placed his hand on AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' shoulder. "You won't take it amiss if I ask you a frank question?"

a1c05p045

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- stared at him. "NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, if you knew what kind of questions I have had to answer to-day you would not behave so solemnly about the matter."

a1c05p046

"Well, then, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , have you at any time been interested in your own kind? You know what I mean."

a1c05p047

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- shook his head calmly. "My word on it, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative; never in my life. And I can add that
[Page 54]
those kind of creatures have never shown any interest in me."

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"Good, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ! That's just what I thought."

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"I will honestly and plainly confess to you, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, that I have always been attracted to women. And to-day as much as ever. A most banal confession!"

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative raised his glass. "And now we will drink to the future. Let come what may! Go right through with it! If you had lived in the time of the old Greeks, perhaps they would have made you a demi-god. In the Middle Ages they would have burnt you, for miracles were then forbidden. But to-day doctors are, at any rate, permitted to accomplish something like a miracle. Thus we will drink to the day that is coming."

a1c05p051

They drank the toast.

a1c05p052

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative accompanied his friend to his hotel. When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- found himself alone in his room, his physical and bodily torments overwhelmed him, and he collapsed.

. . . . .

a1c05p053

By the next morning AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had recovered his equilibrium, outwardly at least.

a1c05p054

Punctual to the minute he called on Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified.

a1c05p055

"Since I saw you yesterday I have been talking to Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . We are both agreed that a young colleague here, a surgeon of reputeDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- , ought to treat you first. When that is over, there will no longer be any obstacle to your reception in the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden. That means, it is not you who will be received there."

Page 55
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"Not I?"

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"KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- runs a women's clinic. Your case"— the ProfessorProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified then laughed a little—"is somewhat unusual, even for us doctors. This means, therefore, that when the surgeonDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- here dismisses you,. you will be no longer Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , but—"

a1c05p058

"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.!"

a1c05p059

"Just so! HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- has told me that he too regards the masculine element in you as by far the least considerable part of your being, which, in his opinion from the emotional standpoint, reveals between eighty and one hundred per cent of feminine characteristics. The examination of your blood has yielded a similar result. I will, of course, be present at the operation which we shall perform on you here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. Before this happens we will take a few photographs of you, for scientific reasons. Dr. HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- is now expecting you. To-morrow morning, then, you will go into the surgeonDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- 's nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin." Saying which, Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified gave AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- the exact address of the nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin.

Page 56

VI.

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Late that evening AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was again sitting with NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- .

a1c06p002

After the three of them had finished dinner, during which husband and wife had intentionally avoided putting questions to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- as to the outcome of the various medical examinations, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- lit a cigarette, rose to his feet, and extinguished all superfluous lights, leaving only a solitary electric candle, suspended in an alcove, to cast a feeble light.

a1c06p003

He sat down in a convenient armchair, and without any introduction began in a free and easy style.

a1c06p004

"Yesterday evening, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, I pondered very deeply over your words."

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"Over my words?"

a1c06p006

"Yes; as you said, the most important thing at the moment is for me to be perfectly clear in my own mind—I am using your own words—how this strange, fantastic change which I have been undergoing from my childhood onwards has been taking place—"

a1c06p007

"And how LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has gradually gained the upper hand over you," said NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, finishing the sentence.

a1c06p008

"Well, then. I did ponder over this last night; especially as it is by no means unlikely that the present night will be the last night of—"

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"Nonsense!" interrupted IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- .

Page 57
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"Let it pass, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- ," interposed NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative. "I know what AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- means."

a1c06p011

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- laughed. "However that may be, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , it is my farewell night. And in order that you may perfectly understand this, and supposing that you both have as much patience as I have, I propose relating in detail how all this has happened. . . . I have made a few notes, so as not to lose the thread of my story. Who knows what the morrow will bring—whether I shall be still I, or whether I, obliterated to a certain extent as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , the person who is now sitting in front of you, will start losing all memory of myself, in order to make room for another person."

a1c06p012

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative rose to his feet, paced up and down a few times, and then remained standing in front of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . He too had now become serious.

a1c06p013

"I thought it would be something like that. And as you know me to be a level-headed person, who mostly takes things as he finds them—that is, without letting his feelings run away with him— incidentally I have not yet forgotten the shorthand of my student days—I should like to suggest, if I am not hurting your feelings, that you let me take down in shorthand the curriculum vitae which you are about to relate. . ." He broke into a laugh in which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- joined and then IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- .

a1c06p014

"An excellent opportunity," exclaimed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , amused. "Your reporting will not affect me in any way whatever. On the contrary!"

a1c06p015

"Then fire away!" With these words NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative settled himself in an armchair, and produced a pencil and notebook. IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- reclined on the sofa and smoked her cigarette.

Page 58
a1c06p016

"I will tell you the story of my life, like an accurate chronicler," began AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , "so let it commence with my parents, whom you have both met. If I should grow tedious now and then, or too introspective—"

a1c06p017

"I will run my blue pencil through it afterwards, as your TacitusTacitus (historical) -- ." NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative completed the sentence.

a1c06p018

"Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative's ancestors came from MallorcaMallorca -- to JutlandJutland -- In Denmark. From him I have my dark eyes. He was not a man of bracing character, but rather effeminate, much concerned with himself and his own comfort. Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative, on the other hand, was a hale woman, with healthy nerves, a Nordic blonde type, perhaps even somewhat hard in her temperament, an efficient housewife and a good mother. She died before Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative, quite suddenly. Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative was inconsolable. Their marriage had survived many storms. After Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative's death he revered her like a saint.

a1c06p019

"She had four children, three sons and one daughter; I being the youngest.

a1c06p020

"I was a very happy child. Everybody pampered me, even my brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative and sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister. I was a great epicure, and could eat nothing but my favourite dishes. From my fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative I never heard a harsh word in all my life. Whenever a slap was necessary, it was administered by Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative. For the rest, she vied with Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative in spoiling me, as all youngsters are doubtless spoiled. Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative loved to dress me up. I was never clad finely enough for her. Sometimes I was not allowed to romp about with my playmates on account of my 'best clothes', and this was the greatest distress I had to endure.
[Page 59]
As a little chap I had long, fair locks, snow-white skin, and dark eyes, so that strangers often took me for a girl. In a kindergarten, where, as the only boy, I played with eleven girls, I was the cleverest of all the children in knitting and embroidery. As a five-year-old, at the annual prize-giving of our kindergarten I received my first mark of public distinction for fancy-work.

a1c06p021

"As an eight-year-old my two brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative often bantered me on account of my 'girl's voice'. I took this very much to heart, and thereafter made great efforts to acquire a proper youthful bass.

a1c06p022

"Looking back on things now, it seems as if my childish voice was my first dissimulation.

a1c06p023

"In other respects my childhood was nothing but sunshine. With my brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative I played with tin soldiers, with my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister with dolls. No one saw anything strange in the fact that I was fond of pushing my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister's toy perambulator, as many brothers who have sisters do this.

a1c06p024

"At nine years of age I went to the same grammar school as my brothersbrothers (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerHo #wegenerHe -- Andreas Sparre's unnamed brothers in narrative. None of us was a model pupil. My favourite subjects were French and Latin, but I was also one of the most assiduous users of the school library, which gave me a high place in our headmaster's opinion. Nevertheless, I was usually the last but one in the class. The old man himself taught us French. He spoke the language correctly, with an excellent accent. Once during the summer holidays he went to ParisParis -- City in France, and afterwards he told us wrathfully that he did not think much of the Parisians, as they neither understood him nor he understood them, ending his anecdote with the words: 'And
[Page 60]
now you know, boys, that I can speak French." He was a droll chap.

a1c06p025

"Of a different stamp was my Latin teacher. He was a most enlightened man, who not only taught us Latin grammar, but took great pains to familiarize us with the intellectual atmosphere of antiquity and the art of the ancients. He it was who first opened my eyes to the flawless beauty of Greek sculpture. It was only a vague and remote comprehension. But I can remember as if it were yesterday, when bathing with boys of my own age I would often blush at seeing my own somewhat slim and delicate youthful body reflected in the water beside the sturdy and not particularly well-proportioned youthful bodies of the others. I was really built on much more delicate and flexible lines than were my comrades. Then I would think of the youthful figures of PraxitelesPraxiteles (historical) -- Athenian sculptor, about which the Latin master had been telling us a few days before. In the art-room we had also a few plaster casts.

a1c06p026

"This reminds me of a little scene. At that time a number of girls were attending our school. One of them attended the same classes as I. Once —during the interval—she put her hat on my head for fun. 'Doesn't he look like a proper girl?' she cried, and my comrades laughed with me. Suddenly our Latin master stood in front of us. I was too frightened to take off the girl's hat in time, and before I knew what was happening I had received a sound thrashing. I was then in a perfect rage, and did not realize until many years later why my old teacher had then felt it his duty to punish me. We poor humans . . . what do we
[Page 61]
know about ourselves . . . how much less about our neighbours?

a1c06p027

"For the rest I was an ordinary boy. I was in the thick of all fights. Just because I was more delicate than my companions I deliberately displayed special daring. Many bruises were the result of this ambition.

a1c06p028

"Incidentally I went on long walks with my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister. And when I knew that no one was likely to see me—as in the wood close to the town—I pushed her doll's pram, which always accompanied us.

a1c06p029

"In adolescence my interest in art constantly increased. When I was seventeen I began to read art periodicals and to visit art exhibitions. My fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative, who, being an old merchant, thought little of an artist's career for me, tried several times to divert my life into a 'practical direction'. Thus he apprenticed me first to a merchant and then to a master painter, without achieving anything except to intensify still more my desire to follow an artistic career.

a1c06p030

"At the same time, like every adolescent, I had my 'flame'; indeed, to be honest, I must even speak of 'flames'.

a1c06p031

"When my fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative at length realized that it was hopeless to try to interest me in anything 'practical', I was sent at nineteen years of age to an art academy at CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark Art Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark.. Here a number of good comrades took me under their wing and took care that I very quickly lost my provincial simplicity and embarrassment and that I also lost my innocence in a thoroughly brutal fashion. Then I met GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

Page 62
a1c06p032

"It was love at first sight.

a1c06p033

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had just come to the art academyArt Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark.. She too was from the provinces. We immediately became inseparable. We attended all the evening lectures together. The ordinary teaching in the academyArt Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark. was at that time so arranged as to divide the sexes.

a1c06p034

"A friend had brought us together.

a1c06p035

"When he learned one day that we were engaged, he became perfectly furious with jealousy, not really on account of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , but, and this I only learned many years later, on account of me. But even such a symptom as this is really nothing extraordinary. How many friends have not had similar experiences when a woman has come between them! A year after our first meeting GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I were married. We were still very young—I barely twenty, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- two or three years younger. What did we know of life, of people? We were indescribably happy in each other's society.

a1c06p036

"I recollect one evening in the first years of our marriage—we were then living in a studio which commanded a wide view over CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was reading to me a primitive fable out of antiquity. It ran somewhat like this: 'HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological, the darling of the gods, had a son, and AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological, the divine beauty, a daughter. The two children were perfect models of beauty. Yet they had never seen each other before when one day they confronted each other in the Wood of the Gods. The girl was immediately enamoured of the boy; but the boy fled from her. However fast she ran after him, he ran faster still. In despair the divine
[Page 63]
maiden turned to ZeusZeus (fictional) -- mythological and bewailed to him her love torment. "I love him, father, but he has fled from me. He will have nothing to do with me. Oh, father, grant that I become one with him." And ZeusZeus (fictional) -- mythological heard the prayer of the divine child, and he raised his arm, and the next moment the shy son of HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological stood before the Olympian, and AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological's daughter shouted with glee, embraced the trembling youngster—and again ZeusZeus (fictional) -- mythological raised his arm—both melted into each other. When HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological and AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological sought after their children, they found a blissfully smiling divine child. "It is my son!" cried HermesHermes (fictional) -- mythological. "No, it is my daughter!" cried AphroditeAphrodite (fictional) -- mythological. They were both right.

a1c06p037

"'You know,' said GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to me, 'I love you so much that I should like you and me to be one being.'

a1c06p038

"About this time GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- painted the portrait of the then popular actress in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress. One day AnnaAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress was unable to attend the appointed sitting. On the telephone she asked GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , who was somewhat vexed: 'Cannot AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- pose as a model for the lower part of the picture? His legs and feet are as pretty as mine.'

a1c06p039

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- laughed. Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress was aware that once, when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was painting a picture of a woman, I had been obliged to come to her assistance with my legs. But it had really only been a question of drapery. 'You really have very pretty woman's legs,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had said to me jokingly.

a1c06p040

"While GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was talking to Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress on the telephone, I had been busy cleaning my palette. I was smoking a cigarette and scarcely
[Page 64]
listened when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- informed me of Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress's proposal. At first I declined rather shortly. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- chaffed me, abused me, implored me, petted me, and a few minutes later I was standing in the studio in costume and high-heeled shoes. We both laughed as though it were a great joke. And to make the disguise complete, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- fetched out a carnival wig from the depths of a trunk, a fair, very curly wig, and drew it over my head. Then she attacked me with rouge and powder, while I submitted patiently to everything.

a1c06p041

"When all was ready we could scarcely believe our eyes. I turned round and stared at myself in a mirror again and again, trying to recognize myself. Was it really possible, I asked myself, that I could be so good-looking? GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- clapped her hands delightedly. 'The most perfect ladies' model,' she cried again and again. 'You look just as if you had never worn anything but women's clothes in your life.'

a1c06p042

"And I cannot deny, strange though it may sound, that I enjoyed myself in this disguise. I liked the feel of soft women's clothing; indeed, I seemed to take them as a matter of course. I felt at home in them from the first moment. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- began to paint.

a1c06p043

"Then a bell rang in the corridor, and a moment later Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress rustled into the studio. She had managed to find time.

a1c06p044

"She looked at me, but did not recognize the strange lady in front of her. She only recognized her own clothes. Then she uttered a cry of delight and embraced me violently.

a1c06p045

"'I haven't seen anything so amusing for a long

                            EINAR WEGENER (ANDREAS SPARRE) AT THE TIME HE BEGAN TO
                            ASSUME THE NAME OF LILI, AND HER FRIEND
                                CLAUDE,
                                BEAUGENCY, FRANCE, 1928 (BEFORE THE
                            OPERATION)
EINAR WEGENEREinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ) AT THE TIME HE BEGAN TO ASSUME THE NAME OF LILILili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., AND HER FRIEND CLAUDEClaude Prévost (historical) Linked to: #lejeuneClaude -- , BEAUGENCYBeaugency -- City in France., FRANCEFrance -- Country in Europe, 1928 (BEFORE THE OPERATION)


[Page 65]
time,' she declared, and applauded my appearance. She peeped at me from every angle. I had to turn about and assume every possible position. Finally she asserted that I was very much prettier as a girl than as a man. I wore ladies' clothes very much better than male costume. 'Yes,' she maintained—and I have never forgotten these words, 'you know, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , you were certainly a girl in a former existence, or else Nature has made a mistake with you this time.'

a1c06p046

"She spoke quite slowly, quite deliberately, and it was obvious that she was strangely stirred.

a1c06p047

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- gave me a hint to take off the clothes, as Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress could now pose herself.

a1c06p048

"I made a movement to retire; but Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress held me back. 'No,' she cried, 'I simply could not endure to meet AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- again to-day. We won't even speak of him. Listen, and now I will christen you, my girlie. You shall receive a particularly lovely, musical name. For example, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. . What do you say to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ? Henceforth I will call you LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. And we must celebrate this! What do you say, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ?'

a1c06p049

"And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- merely nodded, looked now at AnnaAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, now at the child about to be christened; and then the three of us kept up rejoicings until far into the night—LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s christening night.

a1c06p050

"So LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. came into existence, and the name stuck; nor was it merely a question of the name.

a1c06p051

"With an extravagant joke, a genuine accident of the studio, if you like, it started, and for many years we played our game with LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

a1c06p052

"A few weeks after LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s christening an artists' ball was held. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- suggested that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. should go
[Page 66]
in order to be introduced into the larger world, and she designed a pierrette's costume.

a1c06p053

"It was a complete success. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was one of the most popular dancers of the evening. An officer paid her special attentions. Eventually he called her out for every dance, and towards midnight he became somewhat obtrusive. Then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. tried to disclose her secret. It availed her nothing—the officer simply would not believe her! When she managed to escape, she fell out of the frying-pan into the fire. A fresh cavalier caught hold of her, and would not let her go. On the spot he requested permission to kiss her, at least, on the neck. When at length she escaped from his clutches, the pierrette costume bore some trace of the struggle.

a1c06p054

"Another remarkable fact came to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s notice during this ball—the attitude of the female sex towards her. Several times she had regarded with a friendly smile such ladies as she found attractive. But most of them had returned her confident look with an icy stare. She was perplexed, and at last inquired of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- whether she had behaved herself badly, whether she looked impossible. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- said with a smile, 'Our stupid LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is very young. She does not yet know the malice and mistrust of women towards other women.'

a1c06p055

"It was the first time that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was conscious of possessing a separate personality. And out of this amusing incident came something like a presentiment. How often have my thoughts wandered back to that far-off evening!

a1c06p056

"But this evening yielded another experience, which was no less characteristic.

Page 67
a1c06p057

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. were preparing to return home. In the search for her cloak LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. ran into the arms of a tall painter who belonged to the academyArt Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark. Hauwitz (fictional) -- . He was one of my four studio comrades. For heaven's sake, what could I do to prevent the secret from being discovered? LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. behaved as if she had not seen him. He seized her, squeezed her, and pressed half a dozen kisses on her neck. This time I came to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s assistance. A few well-armed blows caught the insolent fellow right on the face . . . . HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- was the man's name.

a1c06p058

"When I entered the class in the academyArt Academy -- The Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts (Det Kongelige Danske Kunstakademi) in Copenhagen, Denmark. the following day, I found the comrades in the thick of a discussion of the carnival night. HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- was the most enthusiastic of them all. He recounted his experiences in the grand manner.

a1c06p059

"'But where were you hiding yesterday?' he attacked me at once. The others, too, asked me why I had not been present, especially as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had been there.

a1c06p060

"I explained that I had not felt well. Anyhow, I knew that the comrades enjoyed themselves very much, especially HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- , who had courted a pierretteLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. very ardently.

a1c06p061

"How did I know that, threw in HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- , flattered: a man could not move, it seemed, without giving rise to gossip; who, then, has been so indiscreet as to betray his little adventure?

a1c06p062

"'I know you're a famous heart-breaker,' said I. 'Let's hear all about it.'

a1c06p063

"At first HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- refused chivalrously. 'I hope I'm a gentleman. Moreover, the pierretteLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was really a fabulous person.'

a1c06p064

"He simpered and winked at me expectantly.
[Page 68]
The others crowded round him. 'Fire away, HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- ,' they encouraged him.

a1c06p065

"'No; friend SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- seems to know all about it. Ask him,' he replied meaningly.

a1c06p066

"'But, my dear HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- , please do not misunderstand me. I should be the last to give anyone away,' I retorted, inquiring at the same time: 'Was she really so pretty, then?'

a1c06p067

"'You can suppose as much as you like,' broke out HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- . 'You cannot go too far in your suppositions. An unheard of thing!'

a1c06p068

"Whereupon he relapsed into silence, which was more eloquent than the coarsest boasting.

a1c06p069

"To my intimate friends I afterwards confessed who the pierretteLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was. HauwitzHauwitz (fictional) -- was only initiated into the secret much later, after he had found further opportunity to pose as CasanovaCasanova (fictional) -- .

a1c06p070

"This ball was followed by others, at which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. became accustomed to her rôle with growing success. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- titivated her each time, so that this strange creature who had suddenly emerged in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark artistic circles began to cause a stir. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. gradually became indispensable to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . For, strange as all this may now sound, it was not I who dressed up as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., but both for me and for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. very soon became a perfectly independent person, in fact, a playmate for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , her own playmate and her toy at the same time.

a1c06p071

"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and I became two beings. If LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was not there, we spoke of her as of a third person. And when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was there—that is, when I was not there—I was spoken of between her and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- as of a third person. And soon our most intimate
[Page 69]
friends learned all this. But it was still a game for many years.

a1c06p072

"In the depths of her soul GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- is utterly melancholy. And to banish such feeling she summoned her playmate LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., was, in fact, carelessness and serenity personified. Gradually LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. became equally important to her mistress in the capacity of a model; indeed—I can say it calmly now—LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has been GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's favourite model. Whether it was chance or not, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had more and more success with pictures for which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. posed as model. And she began to see in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. a kind of mascot, a talisman that brought luck. A large number of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's pictures and drawings originated at that time in our first studio in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark , in which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. appears as model in a hundred different poses. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's artistic fame spread. But nobody knew who was concealed behind the model. Legends sprang up around it. Rumour also began to whisper, without, however, discovering the track of the secret.

a1c06p073

"A well-known writer asserted that the model LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was no creature of flesh and blood at all, but merely a female type, upon which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's imagination had fastened, and therefore an empty caprice.

a1c06p074

"Only a few suspected the connection. But nobody knew anything definite about the mystery of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.—with the exception of Anna LarsenAnna Larsen (fictional) -- Modeled on Anna Larssen, a Danish actress, who, however, had been sworn to silence. She kept her word.

a1c06p075

"One day GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- received an invitation from ParisParis -- City in France to exhibit her 'LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. sketches'.

a1c06p076

"And so the three of us were transplanted to ParisParis -- City in France: GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , I, and—LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

Page 70

VII.

a1c07p001

"Before our removal to ParisParis -- City in France we had already made several journeys abroad.

a1c07p002

Whenever we were able to spare sufficient money from the sale of our pictures—we were extremely frugal in our mode of living—we had travelled South, to study, to paint, and to become acquainted with the world. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had not been with us upon any of these trips. There were too many new things to see for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I to find any time to devote to her. But as soon as we found ourselves again in our native studio, she reappeared—and then we had to acknowledge every time that we had really missed her.

a1c07p003

"We spent almost a whole year in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe without LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. It was the most carefree year which I ever passed with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . The romance of the South was an indescribably splendid revelation to us two children of the North.

a1c07p004

"How could we find time to . . . play? GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was at that time serenity itself. In ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe's wonderland she never felt oppressed. She needed no distraction. Hence LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was not conjured up by her.

a1c07p005

"And yet LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was probably more than ever closely bound up with us both. Only it was no longer a pastime. About that time I began to undergo a change in myself, the nature of which I did
[Page 71]
not then realize. I first became aware of it through my influence upon others . . . in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe just at that time. In FlorenceFlorence -- City in Italy an unfortunate person approached me. He was a wealthy foreigner. One day, after he had been dogging me for weeks, he spoke to me and suggested that I should take up my quarters in his villa, where I could pursue my studies as a painter to my heart's content. I declined politely, but very firmly. After that I saw him frequently. I was always with a lady, either with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- or in the company of a strikingly beautiful Sicilian. A very little more and I should have been obliged to challenge this poor creature to a duel with pistols.

a1c07p006

"In RomeRome -- City in Italy I had a similar adventure. In that city an American millionaire wanted me to accompany him to EgyptEgypt -- . He pestered not only me, but also GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . He sailed alone to AlexandriaAlexandria -- .

a1c07p007

"Never before had I been placed in such delicate situations. Why this happened just then in ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe I only realized much later. When Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- recently saw in ParisParis -- City in France a number of photographs taken of me during recent years, including some taken on my first Italian trip, he pointed to these very pictures with the words: 'That was when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could be distinctly recognized in appearance for the first time.'

a1c07p008

"In due course we returned to ParisParis -- City in France.

a1c07p009

"In the neighborhood of the Ecole des Beaux ArtsÉcole des Beaux-Arts -- , on the left bank of the SeineSeine -- banks of the Seine -- , we stayed in one of the numerous small hotels.one of the numerous small hotels in Paris -- The landlord and his wife were not attractive, but their charming little daughter was like a ravishing kitten. Their like is only to be found in ParisParis -- City in France.

Page 72
a1c07p010

"Two pleasant rooms, painted bright red and greyish colours,one of the numerous small hotels in Paris -- were assigned to us. One of them overlooked an old neglected garden, and had a mysterious alcove, with red-diapered curtains. The factotum of the hotelone of the numerous small hotels in Paris -- , JeanJean (fictional) -- Factotum of a hotel mentioned in the narrative by name, lost no time in telling us that Oscar WildeOscar Wilde (historical) -- British writer had spent his last days in these two rooms. He had died in the alcove with the red-diapered curtains. As JeanJean (fictional) -- Factotum of a hotel mentioned in the narrative was telling us this, the tears ran down his ill-shorn cheeks. He had reason to regret Oscar WildeOscar Wilde (historical) -- British writer's death. Many a twenty-franc piece had been given him by the unfortunate poet, with which to buy a few sous' worth of cigarettes, and he had never been asked for the change, he added, as a delicate hint to us.

a1c07p011

"For GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I these two quiet roomsone of the numerous small hotels in Paris -- were altogether delightful. We often sat in front of the broad window overlooking the garden and read page after page of the works of the poet, whom I had admired for many years. Gradually GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I came to know "De Profundis" and "The Ballad of Reading Gaol" by heart. They were lovely evenings.

a1c07p012

"Quite close to the hotelone of the numerous small hotels in Paris -- we found our favourite café, 'Chateau neuf du PapeChâteau neuf du Pape -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified', where art students mainly foregathered. A very modest little restaurant; but one could dine sumptuously there for one franc thirty. The wine was included in the price. Here we met our first Parisian friends .

a1c07p013

"Shortly afterwards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was invited by the editor to contribute to a well-known Parisian illustrated periodical. He had, in fact, seen GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's pictures and sketches at her first exhibition in ParisParis -- City in France.


 FRENCH LANDSCAPE BY EINAR WEGENER
                            (ANDREAS SPARRE), 1929
FRENCH LANDSCAPE BY EINAR WEGENEREinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ), 1929

Page 73
a1c07p014

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was all on fire to begin her contributions immediately. But what should she offer? How quickly could she hunt up a suitable model?

a1c07p015

"She looked at me inquiringly, hesitated a few moments, and then said: 'What do you think if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. . . .'

a1c07p016

"I confess that I was at first somewhat surprised. I too had forgotten LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in the midst of the hubbub of ParisParis -- City in France, just as I had during our first Italian trip. Here in ParisParis -- City in France GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had hitherto not required the company of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. either for the purposes of her work or by way of distraction.

a1c07p017

"'Very good,' I said; 'but what shall she put on?'

a1c07p018

"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s 'outfit' had been left behind in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark. Quite apart from the fact that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was considerably bigger than the very dainty GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , the strictest separation of property was observed by us with regard to the wardrobe.

a1c07p019

"The most necessary things for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. were quickly procured. She was not a little proud of her first real Parisian costume.

a1c07p020

"Thus she came to life again in the heart of ParisParis -- City in France. The sketches for which she sat as model were successful. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was radiant. She obtained considerable prices for her work and we were able to rent a pleasant studio for ourselves. We settled in ParisParis -- City in France, and built up our circle of friends and acquaintances.

a1c07p021

"I too was now painting a great deal, partly in ParisParis -- City in France, partly in VersaillesVersailles -- , where we passed the warm summer months.

a1c07p022

"A few happy and harmonious years were now in store for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and me. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. only appeared in
[Page 74]
our midst when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- urgently needed her as a model. We earned good money, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- could hire 'strange models'.

a1c07p023

"When we had put aside sufficient money for an educational tour, we set out again for ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe. Our objective was CapriCapri -- Island in Italy. For years we had been longing to become acquainted with this paradise of sunshine.

a1c07p024

"Scarcely had we arrived there than to our great delight we ran up against a painter from FlorenceFlorence -- City in Italy whose acquaintance we had made during our first Italian journey. NinoNino (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified we called him. Henceforth we were inseparable. Within a few days we had more acquaintances among the cosmopolitan artists with whom CapriCapri -- Island in Italy was teeming than was always agreeable. Three or four times a day we met at the 'MorganoCafé Morgana -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified, but Morgano is a marina in Capri', and evening after evening we played chess and draughts. It went without saying that we mustered our full strength during bathing-hours on the tiny beach at Piccola MarinaPiccola Marina -- .

a1c07p025

"Here we met one day a Scotsman, who always appeared in the company of a very pretty boy. When bathing the boy was transformed, to our astonishment, into a very nice girl.

a1c07p026

"'Just what I expected,' declared a Venetian sculptor who belonged to our clique when this revelation burst upon us. 'I knew it from the start! A girl cannot impersonate a man, neither can a man impersonate a girl. Those who have eyes to see can detect the deception immediately. Some superficial thing always gives the game away.' The man's name was FavioFlavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified..

a1c07p027

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- threw me a saucy look. I understood
[Page 75]
what it meant. At the hour of promenade the next afternoon GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- appeared in the company of a tall, slender young lady whom no one had hitherto seen in CapriCapri -- Island in Italy. They strolled past the 'MorganoCafé Morgana -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified, but Morgano is a marina in Capri', where GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had to return many curious greetings from friends and acquaintances. Suddenly Signora FavioSignora Flavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified., the sculptor's wife, spoke to the two ladies, inquired after me, and expressed the hope that I was not ill, as no one had seen me that day. Would GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I like to come to a social evening at her villa near Monte TiberioMonte Tiberio -- ?

a1c07p028

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- regretted that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had been obliged to go to NaplesNaples -- City in Italy to attend to some important business, and he would not be back until early the following morning.

a1c07p029

"Then she introduced her companion—'Mademoiselle Lili CortaudLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. . . . Signora FavioSignora Flavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified..'

a1c07p030

"The signoraSignora Flavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. had achieved her aim, and she hastened to invite Mademoiselle LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. with Madame SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to the social evening. We accepted with pleasure.

a1c07p031

"The mystification succeeded beyond all expectation. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's French friendLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was welcomed with extreme cordiality by the whole company. A well-known Norwegian lady novelist pledged Mademoiselle LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in a lively toast as 'the most perfect incarnation of French charm and Parisian elegance'. She did not stir from LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s side. She invited LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to visit her in NorwayNorway -- Country in Europe.

a1c07p032

"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- were both delighted, for the enchanting, perhaps I should say the piquant, thing about this new friendship was that this passionate Norwegian had hitherto shown a striking aversion to me.

Page 76
a1c07p033

"In the following days GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's French friendLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. gave a few more performances. In order to explain my continued absence, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- told everybody who was curious on the point that her friend LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and I did not get on at all well together. But CapriCapri -- Island in Italy is a small place, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was soon obliged to 'depart', in order to leave the field clear for me. FavioFlavio (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. and all the others remained completely unsuspecting.

a1c07p034

"When we returned to ParisParis -- City in France, it frequently happened that after GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had employed her as a model during the hours of daylight, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. remained in bed during the whole evening. And if one or other of our intimate friends dropped in, she did not, as formerly, fly into another room, but stayed where she was and where the others were, and behaved charmingly.

a1c07p035

"Gradually everybody came to like her. She was, as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was always obliged to acknowledge, the good fairy of all our little studio festivities.

a1c07p036

"But everybody made a great distinction between LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and me. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's female friends, who treated me with almost ceremonial propriety, embraced LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and petted her. So did GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's and my male friends.

a1c07p037

"It was also strange that when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. found herself among GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's lady friends—who, like herself, were artists almost without exception— she felt the most feminine of them all. At first the friends laughed somewhat heartily at this fact, but gradually observed that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s feeling was genuine.

a1c07p038

"And thus it came to pass that month after month LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. insisted with growing stubbornness on her rights, and gave place to me with increasing reluctance.

a1c07p039

"In the Salon d'AutomneSalon d'Automne -- , where we both
[Page 77]
exhibited, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I had met a French sculptor, Jean TempêteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor. This acquaintance was to lead to new experiences for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

a1c07p040

"He possessed a summer-house in a small town on the LoireLoire -- River in France Balgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- . Assisted by a number of friends, he intended giving a theatrical performance upon the tiny stage of this small town for charitable purposes. BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- was the name of the place.

a1c07p041

"He invited GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I to take part.

a1c07p042

"It proved to be a delightful drive. The small town was a miniature RothenburgRothenburg -- .

a1c07p043

"The 'theatre', which was to be occupied by us that same evening, looked from the outside like a tobacco shop with a café attached. The interior was usually let for cinematograph exhibitions and dances. As there was only one piece of scenery, which, moreover, was useless for our purpose, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was immediately appointed scene-painter. With lightning rapidity she sketched the stage scenery for the revue, which had been composed by Jean TempêteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor himself.

a1c07p044

"At six o'clock in the evening everything was ready, and at nine o'clock the performance was to begin.

a1c07p045

"At seven o'clock TempêteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor and I repaired to the station, in order to fetch the only member of our company who was still missing, a young lady artist who for some reason or other had not been able to travel with the others. She had to play a minor part, that of a typical Parisienne.

a1c07p046

"The train arrived, but our Parisienne was not on board. It was the last train before the performance.

Page 78
a1c07p047

"TempêteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor raved. Small as the part was, without the player the piece would collapse.

a1c07p048

"'Then we must ask GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to step into the breach,' I declared.

a1c07p049

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I, who had only been invited to join the travelling party at the eleventh hour, did not belong to the company of players.

a1c07p050

"'An excellent idea!' exclaimed TempêteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor, and the moment he entered the so-called hotel where we had found accommodation, he pounced upon GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . Completely exhausted by her scene-painting, she was lying on a rickety sofa.

a1c07p051

"'Out of the question,' she declared. 'With the best will in the world, I cannot do it.' Then she gave me a furtive look. 'But perhaps . . . LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. can?'

a1c07p052

"'Who is LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.?' asked TempêteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor. They all asked the same question.

a1c07p053

"'Don't worry about that. The main thing is that she comes. She can play the part without any trouble,' GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- assured the curious circle. She caught hold of TempêteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor, drew him aside, and gave him the necessary explanations. He shook with laughter, promised to hold his tongue, and then it was arranged that while LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was being dressed he should initiate her into the part of the fast-dyed Parisienne in the seclusion of an hotel sitting-room.

a1c07p054

"When evening came and the revue was launched in front of a crowded audience, not a soul in the hall suspected that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was not a genuine Parisienne. Moreover, the poetically minded chemist of BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- , who was a member of the charity committee, was so enthusiastic over
[Page 79]
LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. that he sent a box of violet soap to the unknown beauty at her hotel.

a1c07p055

"On this evening LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. became acquainted with her truest friend, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, the tenor of the revue. He was the comic character of the evening. His mere appearance on the stage unloosed a storm of merriment. He was the only real artiste in this company of amateurs; that is to say, he was the only member of it who was not an amateur.

a1c07p056

"Earlier in the day I had already noticed this young artiste, who with his droll, lightning wit might have bobbed up in any MontmartreMontmartre -- bar. He had completely irregular features and colourless, somewhat deep-set eyes, the whole capped by a funny, pointed nose. At first glance he would probably appear ugly, but if one looked at him somewhat longer one would become conscious of a remarkable geniality and kindliness which his whole personality radiated.

a1c07p057

"If anything he had given me (AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ) the cold shoulder, but his conduct towards LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was of quite another character.

a1c07p058

"It went without saying that, like the rest of his colleagues from ParisParis -- City in France, he was soon 'in the picture'. As for the rest, discretion was observed.

a1c07p059

"And the citizens, who had arranged a charity ball after the performance was over, of which we 'Parisians' were to form the centre of attraction, saw in LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., who at the desire of all the company had remained in her stage costume, the typical Parisienne. Wherever she showed herself, she was treated with exquisite courtesy. She enjoyed herself immensely. She was sought after more than
[Page 80]
any other dancer at the ball. When at length she found she could skip a dance, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost made his way towards her, bowed in his most amusing way, then, in order to show the most serious face in the world, screwed his monocle tighter into his eye, even blushed a little, and said almost solemnly: 'Mademoiselle, may I, as soon as you have somewhat recovered, solicit the honour of being your dancing partner a number of times in succession?' LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked at him somewhat surprised, and then nodded. And during this night they danced together many times. They were both about the same height. During the dancing they scarcely spoke a word to each other. They danced, completely surrendering themselves to the rhythm of the dance.

a1c07p060

"When the last dance was over, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost bowed very low before LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., blushed again, and said: 'Mademoiselle, may I hope you will honour the excursion we are making to-morrow with your presence?'

a1c07p061

"The other comrades also begged LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and she promised with a smile. Only the 'Parisians' took part in this excursion, otherwise LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could hardly have been present. The day passed in perfect harmony, and it was arranged that everybody should meet again in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- on the first of August, to spend their holidays together on the banks of the LoireLoire -- River in France banks of Loire -- Banks of river in France. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was specially invited. She promised, on behalf of her brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . By this name LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. henceforth called—me.

a1c07p062

" That evening we returned to ParisParis -- City in France

a1c07p063

"In August the 'ParisParis -- City in France gang', as we were henceforward called, half admiringly, half apprehensively,

                     EINAR WEGENER (ANDREAS SPARRE), 1929
EINAR WEGENEREinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ), 1929


[Page 81]
conquered thelittle townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- , together with the delightful bathing-placebanks of Loire -- Banks of river in France. The thermometer registered 85 degrees in the shade. Frequently we were obliged to prolong our day into the night, which was all the more amusing as by ten o'clock in the evening thelittle townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- was shrouded in darkness, whether the moon was full or new.

a1c07p064

"The so-called respectable society of BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- kept at a distance from us, with the exception of Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon, the deputy mayor. The 'proper' civic chief had been obliged for a long time to shift the official business on to the broad shoulders of Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon, owing to chronic stomach trouble. Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon, as everybody in the town called him, was a bachelor. He took part in all our nocturnal excursions through the environs of his town, and it was he who during those August days submitted to the town councillors solemnly assembled in the town hall a proposal to organize, with the help of the 'ParisParis -- City in France gang', another civic function for charitable purposes. The proposal was unanimously accepted. The next day solemn invitations were delivered to Jean TempêteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , and me, as well as to a few other prominent members of our party, to devise a programme for the function. We resolved to organize a water-carnival, with flower-bedecked boats, on the LoireLoire -- River in France. CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's boat was to sail at the head of the procession of boats.

a1c07p065

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- received instructions to prepare CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's boat.

a1c07p066

"Monsieur RenéMonsieur René (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Dr. Charles HyverNaud, mayor of Beaugency from 1908 to 1940, or his assistants, Moïse Adrien Bruant, Gabriel Descauses, and Henri René Goujon placed at our disposal an old broad-bottomed boat, as well as a boathouse, together with his wine cellar. When the rather
[Page 82]
shabby boat was at length transformed into CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's festive gondola—the sail was a large red heart—and the launching had taken place, it transpired that, owing to its splendid, as well as very weighty, equipment, the craft was extremely difficult to steer. At BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- the LoireLoire -- River in France is very impetuous, and treacherous winds render a sail rather dangerous. It was therefore necessary for CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative, as well as his attendant, to be strong swimmers. As no practised and daring swimmer could be discovered among the young ladies of the town, Jean TempêteJean Tempete (fictional) -- Modeled on Léon Leyritz, French sculptor very discreetly asked me if I could not assume CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's rôle, provided Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost was assigned to me as squire. I was known to be an excellent swimmer. I promised on behalf of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and also of ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, who had meanwhile become a good friend of ours.

a1c07p067

"Thus on the banks of this ancient townshipBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- , into which Joan of ArcJoan of Arc (historical) -- had made her entry as a warrior in steel and iron centuries before, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was dressed up as the boy CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative. . . . The carnival took place in glorious midsummer weather. The whole population stood on the shore and greeted CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative with frantic cheers as he sailed in triumph upon the smooth glassy surface of the LoireLoire -- River in France. With his golden bow he shot a rain of arrows at the thousands of heads peeping through the trellis-work on the shore. And everybody believed that behind CupidCupid (fictional) -- Lili plays/dresses as Cupid in narrative's mask was concealed the typical Parisienne from the revue of the last charity performance.

a1c07p068

"Upon ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost had devolved the task, after the carnival was over, of conducting LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to her hotel through a crowd wild with enthusiasm,
[Page 83]
and when at length he brought her intact to her room, he looked at her long and then said, very quietly: 'However you dress up and whatever you want to make me believe, you are a genuine girl.'

a1c07p069

"He stopped, startled at his own temerity. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. stared at him.

a1c07p070

"'What is the matter, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost?' she asked.

a1c07p071

"'Nothing,' he said quietly, 'nothing at all. Or it is something? But if I told LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. what I was just thinking and what I have been thinking all day, her brother AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- would certainly be very angry with me.'

a1c07p072

"Then he went, and when we saw each other again the following morning he looked at me shyly and kept out of my way. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had again disappeared.

a1c07p073

"Year after year we all met again at BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- , where I gradually became accustomed to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s and my double experience. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. took part in the festivities and excursions. I painted very industriously, swam and drank many glasses of wine with the notabilities of the town. I had many friends there. All the inhabitants of the town knew me and were delighted to recognize their houses and gardens and themselves in pictures of mine, which might subsequently hang in the autumn exhibitions of ParisParis -- City in France. But nobody in the town suspected the identity of the slender ParisienneLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who now and then strolled with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost through the alleys of the townBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- and out into the country. These trips were among LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s most delightful recollections. In the early dawn, before any bedroom window was opened, the three of them
[Page 84]
would march out into the summer morning, and not until late in the evening, when the town had long since retired to rest, did they return, tired and happy. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost was then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s most delightful cavalier; he was their brother and protector, and the friendship between them became ever more intimate and permanent, a friendship which stood every test.

a1c07p074

"It went without saying that this 'triple alliance' continued in ParisParis -- City in France. Every Sunday ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost made his appearance, when he was the guest of the studio for the whole of the day. And in accordance with an unwritten law, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. always received him at the door in the corridor. If, however, she was, by a rare chance, absent, and I had to open the door to him, we greeted each other in a very comradely way; he gave me his hand, asked about this and that; but I could always remark his disappointment. In the studio he would then look at my pictures, although quite cursorily; politics and similar topics were touched on in conversation and even the latest Parisian scandal. But it did not last long, at the most a quarter of an hour, and then ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost would look at me somewhat uncertainly. 'I have not yet said good day to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .' And then he would disappear into the little kitchen to join GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

a1c07p075

"But if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. opened the door to him on Sundays, he would at once go with her into the kitchen.

a1c07p076

"In this connection I recall a little incident which happened just at that time.

a1c07p077

"ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost had come to see us one weekday evening. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was not at home. I then suggested to him that we should visit some amusing dancing-bar
[Page 85]
in the Quartier LatinQuartier Saint Germain -- together. We landed in the Gipsy BarGipsy Bar -- , where ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost ordered the speciality of the house, namely a coffin-nail. This cocktail was not unworthy of its very promising name. A frequent repetition of the enjoyment of this drink during a day or a night is calculated to curtail considerably our sojourn here below. Perhaps it was this drink which prompted us to try out a new dance which ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost had recently seen somewhere. Moreover, it was the first time that he had danced with me. We had scarcely taken the first step before the manager made a dash at us and requested us to stop dancing immediately. The gentlemen must excuse him; he knew us both very well, but in his establishment, unfortunately, they did not allow two gentlemen to dance together.

a1c07p078

"We duly explained to the strict gentleman that all we were concerned about was trying out a new dance. He answered: 'Messieurs, I am sorry, but gentlemen are not allowed to dance together here. If I permitted it only for one occasion, and I know that in your case I am dealing with irreproachable gentlemen, my establishment would be over-run by persons of a certain type and its reputation would suffer injury.'

a1c07p079

" We sat down again with a laugh, ordered a harmless apéritif, and then went home.

a1c07p080

" The next evening GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost visited the dancing-barGipsy Bar -- . ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost had, in the meantime, taught both ladies the same dance, and shortly after entering the bar ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. executed the extremely complicated dance without a hitch, amid the vigorous applause of the manager.

Page 86
a1c07p081

"Then he came over to ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost's table, made a polite bow to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , and especially to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and said: 'I hope that your friendAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , whom I am sorry not to see with you to-day, has not avoided my establishment because he was irritated at the little incident of yesterday evening. Monsieur will understand."

a1c07p082

"'Oh, we understand,' answered ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, 'and I can assure you that my friendAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is not annoyed in the least.'

a1c07p083

"And the manager turned to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.: 'May I offer Mademoiselle my heartiest congratulations? Mademoiselle dances charmingly, charmingly." And then, turning to ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost: 'Monsieur will admit that his partner of yesterday cannot be compared in the least with Mademoiselle.'

a1c07p084

"In connection with this amusing encounter I must tell you about another experience, which also happened about this time.

a1c07p085

"Together with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was sometimes invited to a smart artists' club. The club evening usually consisted of a meal followed by a ball. One evening, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- being tired, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. went there alone with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, at his urgent request. A lady who was an intimate friend of ours and knew me as well as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.—for the rest, nobody in the club suspected our double existence—made a point this evening of introducing LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to a number of gentlemen, including her cousin, a nobleman who was no longer quite young. Hitherto LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had declined to make fresh acquaintances on these club evenings, which were rare events for her. She was happy enough dancing with ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, and did not need any other partners. Yet, before she could decline, her friend fetched her cousin: 'My cousinCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, le Comte de TrempeCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified
[Page 87]
la Baronne Lili de CortaudLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..' The gallant CountCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified immediately challenged LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to a fox-trot. This dance was followed by several more. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could not refuse. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost nodded to her merrily. Thus it happened that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. danced with her new cavalier until far into the night. When at length, completely exhausted, she said farewell to him 'for the present', with the most solemn face in the world he begged 'Madame la BaronneLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.', who, as his cousin had whispered, was staying with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- for a few days, to allow him to pay his respects to her the following day. What else could LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. do than make the best of a bad job?

a1c07p086

"When LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. reached home, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was fast asleep.

a1c07p087

"The next morning, while LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was telling GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- about her conquest in the club, the bell rang in the corridor. The CountCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified appeared; he made profuse apologies—GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had opened the door—in case he was intruding, but he only wanted to inquire after the health of her guest, the Baroness Lili de CortaudLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

a1c07p088

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- regretted sincerely that her visitor had already gone out, and showed the CountCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified into the studio, where he immediately discovered portraits of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. all over the place. He was beside himself with enthusiasm. Might he wait until the BaronessLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. returned? GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- assured him that this would be a useless undertaking, as her visitor, who was also her sister-in-lawLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., had been invited to dinner with friends.

a1c07p089

"'Oh,' the CountCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified then exclaimed, 'so your husband—Monsieur SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- —is brother to the BaronessLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..'

Page 88
a1c07p090

"In her distress GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was obliged to admit this fact.

a1c07p091

"'When may I perhaps have the pleasure of calling on Monsieur SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ?' asked the CountCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, almost flurried.

a1c07p092

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- promised to let him know soon through his cousin.

a1c07p093

"The following day—we were taking tea in our studio with a few friends and were just discussing LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s involuntary experience—the corridor bell rang again. The CountCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified!

a1c07p094

"'I am sincerely delighted,' he began at once in his ceremonious way, 'to pay you a visit' (I could scarcely find time to usher him in). 'As I have already told Madame SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , the day before yesterday I made the acquaintance of your sister, the charming BaronessLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and I am most anxious to see her again.'

a1c07p095

"Of course it was now very difficult to keep up the pose, but we succeeded in doing so, and I replied: 'My sister will certainly be sorry to have missed the pleasure of shaking hands with you again, monsieur.'

a1c07p096

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and our visitors had great difficulty in strangling an outburst of Homeric laughter. I had to throw them a warning look. Without thinking, I continued: 'Unfortunately, we are seeing very little of our sister these days, invited everywhere . . . very much sought after . . . scarcely home before midnight.'

a1c07p097

"'Yes, I quite understand that,' said the CountCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, looking at me searchingly. My heart felt like an anvil trembling under the strokes of a hammer. He went on, speaking slowly and blinking through
[Page 89]
his monocle at every word: 'It is very strange that you are brother and sister, for Madame de CortaudLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. does not resemble you in the least, my dear sir.'

a1c07p098

"I agreed emphatically, and gave GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- an imploring look to keep a straight face. I had just finished a lengthy and prolix assurance that my sister and I did not resemble each other in the least, when the CountCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified addressed to me an inquiry as to whether my sister was, as his cousin intimated to him, not engaged, was really free.

a1c07p099

"Foolishly enough I did not contest this point.

a1c07p100

"Whereupon he made an exemplary bow and, without beating about the bush, declared: 'Then, monsieur, I have the honour of offering the BaronessLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. my hand.'

a1c07p101

"I thanked him in the name of my sister and promised to inform her of his flattering offer. He then withdrew, amidst the exchange of numerous compliments.

a1c07p102

"A moment later our studio was rocking with the roaring laughter of GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and our visitors.

a1c07p103

"I did not join in. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s experience at the ball was taking her out of her depth. I had to think of a way out.

a1c07p104

"'Quite simple,' cried GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , whose laughter had brought tears into her eyes. 'I will tell the cousin to inform the CountCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified that his lady-love has been suddenly obliged to leave for CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark for very urgent family reasons. For the present a return to ParisParis -- City in France is out of the question.'

a1c07p105

"And so it happened. A few postcards which we caused to be posted to the CountCount de la Trempe (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified by a friend in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, who had to forge LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s 'handwriting',
[Page 90]
gradually convinced him of the 'hopelessness' of his wooing.

a1c07p106

"He never learnt who LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was.

a1c07p107

"Even stranger was something that happened at the house of my sistersister (fictional) -- Andreas Sparre's sister in narrative; modeled on Christiane Wegener Thomsen, Einar's sister and my brother-in-lawbrother-in-law (fictional) Linked to: #thomsenTC -- Andreas Sparre's sister's husband. in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark , where we were staying some months later on a visit.

a1c07p108

"My little nieceniece (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified had seen pictures of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and wanted to see this remarkable person for once 'in the life'. So it was arranged that she should be present one Sunday afternoon, which my parents were also to spend with my relatives. My parents had not seen GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and me for a number of years. Consequently fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative and mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative were disappointed to learn on their arrival that I was not expected until later, as I had a very important call to make first. Suddenly the bell rang in the hall. The girl announced that a French lady was in the passage and wanted to speak to Madame Grete SparreGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . The lady was brought in; GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- welcomed her in the most cordial manner. It was a friend from ParisParis -- City in France—unfortunately she only spoke French. And . . . Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative immediately began a conversation in French! Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative, who made him translate everything to her, was enormously proud of him!

a1c07p109

"In the course of the conversation Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative suddenly warned Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative that he should not keep so close to the window with the lady from ParisParis -- City in France. It was the middle of winter. 'Don't forget,' she said to Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative, looking thoughtfully at the lady, 'the lady comes from a much milder climate and is so thinly clad. Please tell her to sit near the stove.' Then tea was served. And Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative and Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative plied
[Page 91]
the foreign visitor with requests for the latest news from ParisParis -- City in France.

a1c07p110

"For a whole hour the 'Parisienne' kept up the deception in front of Fatherfather (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerV -- Andreas Sparre's father in narrative and Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative. When she suddenly disclosed her identity, they both covered their faces with their hands. They could no longer trust their own eyes.

a1c07p111

"'No, no!' repeated Mothermother (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerAM -- Andreas Sparre's mother in narrative, after a long interval. 'That AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and Mademoiselle LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. from ParisParis -- City in France are one and the same person I cannot believe.'

Page 92

VIII

a1c08p001

"So LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and I continued to live our double life, and no one, neither the 'initiated' nor myself, saw in this anything else than a pleasant kind of distraction and entertainment, a kind of artists' caprice, neither more nor less. We were as little perturbed at the obviously growing distinction, of an emotional kind, which increasingly manifested itself between the mystical girl and myself; nor did anyone take any serious notice of the delicate changes which gradually became perceptible in my physical form.

a1c08p002

"But something had been silently preparing in me.

a1c08p003

"One evening I said suddenly to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- :

a1c08p004

"'Really I cannot imagine what existence would be like if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. should one day vanish for ever, or if she should no longer look young and beautiful. Then she would no longer have any justification for living at all.'

a1c08p005

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- at first looked at me astonished. Then she nodded and said in her calm, thoughtful way: 'It is strange that you have mentioned something which has been on my mind a good deal lately. In recent months I have felt prickings of conscience because I was, to a certain extent, the cause of creating LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., of enticing her out of you, and thus becoming responsible for a disharmony in you which
[Page 93]
reveals itself most distinctly on those days when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. does not appear.'

a1c08p006

"I was thunderstruck at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's words. It was as if she had held up a mirror in front of me.

a1c08p007

"'It often happens,' she continued excitedly, 'that when she poses for me as a model a strange feeling comes over me that it is she whom I am creating and forming rather than the girl whom I am representing on my canvas. Sometimes it seems to me that here is something which is stronger than we are, something which makes us powerless and will thrust us aside, as if, indeed, it wanted to be revenged on us for having played with it.'

a1c08p008

" GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- broke off. Tears stood in her eyes. 'We have come to a steep part of the road, and I don't know where we shall find foothold,' she cried. I tried to calm her; but I scarcely succeeded, at least, not at once. I spoke and she listened to me. 'What you say is all so terribly true. And the most dangerous thing of all is that I feel it is LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., just LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., who forms the bond between us which has lasted all these years. I do not believe I could survive her.'

a1c08p009

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- interrupted me to say that she had very often thought exactly the same, as LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. embodied our common youth and joy in life. She sobbed: 'Sometimes I wonder what life would be without her.'

a1c08p010

"We stared at each other, deeply moved by this mutual confession, which had been provoked by many, many weeks of secret brooding.

a1c08p011

"'At any rate, I cannot imagine, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- went on, 'what it would be like for us without LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..
[Page 94]
We must not lose her. If she should suddenly vanish, it would seem like a murder.'

a1c08p012

"'The more so as I cannot help feeling that she is on the verge of becoming more vigorous than I am,' I said uneasily.

a1c08p013

"Perhaps this conversation had the effect of plunging me into a momentary fit of despondency; but in other respects my health had been excellent during all these years. In spite of the fact that I had never looked very robust, although I was equal to every physical exertion, I had never really been ill. Just recently I had frequently felt indisposed, my chief sensation being one of utter weariness. Also, I had not stood too well the very cold rainy weather which ParisParis -- City in France had latterly experienced year after year. I would cough from late autumn until spring almost without intermission. No doubt that is how I came to have gloomy thoughts. One cannot be young for ever, I would reflect. And then I would think of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. She shared her body with me. She was a woman. To remain young meant more for her than for me.

a1c08p014

"My outlook became more and more melancholy. By nature I had always been a gay person, especially as long as I lived in ParisParis -- City in France. But all this was now over. There were days, weeks, and months when I felt utterly impotent. The power to work went out of me. Everybody who had known me for years knew that I had been an industrious person. I could not understand myself.

a1c08p015

"At intervals there would be a return of more lucid periods, whenever I could live in the country far from ParisParis -- City in France and collect fresh subjects, especially in BalgencieBalgencie (fictional) Linked to: #beaugency -- . But they did not last long. I grew
[Page 95]
more and more tired, more and more languid. I did not know what to do with myself. It was an unbearable condition to be in.

a1c08p016

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- began to be uneasy. She persuaded me to see a doctor, and to please her I did so. The doctor found nothing specific the matter and prescribed a nerve tonic. It did no good. A new doctor was consulted, with a similar result, and so on.

a1c08p017

"But when LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. appeared, everything went well, and life was fair once more. Every trace of ill-humour vanished.

a1c08p018

"Consequently she now came as often as possible. In the meantime she had built up her own circle of friends and acquaintances, and she had her own memories and habits, which had nothing whatever to do with me. Often she would stay for several days in succession, and then she would sit contented with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , or even sit quite alone by herself, sewing or embroidering, and smiling to herself, happy in this feminine occupation. Nobody understood this mystery, neither GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- nor ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- . They all regarded this enigmatic being LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., who built up her own world around her, with head-shakings and astonishment. But they let LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. alone, and she was happy.

a1c08p019

"Something that happened just at this time was to inaugurate, more quickly than was anticipated, the last period of this incessant and ruthless inner struggle between LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and myself. And for a long time it looked as if neither of us would survive this contest.

a1c08p020

"About two years ago my old friend Iven PersenIven Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenJ -- Modeled on Johannes Poulsen of the Theatre Royalthe Royal Theatre -- , CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark, gave
[Page 96]
a number of performances among us in ParisParis -- City in France. As his wife, the well-known dancer Ebba PersenEbba Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenU -- Modeled on Ulla Britta Poulsen, accompanied him, a ballet had, of course, to be arranged for one of the evenings. The ballet corps was not large, and it was short of one dancer. Thereupon IvenIven Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenJ -- Modeled on Johannes Poulsen, who knew that I was not a bad dancer, asked whether I would care to take part. Without hesitation I replied in the affirmative.

a1c08p021

"At the ballet rehearsals, which lasted a very long time, I probably over-exerted myself. At any rate, I was then attacked for the first time by strange hæmorrhages. I bled mostly at the nose, but in so unusual a way that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- became anxious, and implored me to abandon my dancer's part; but I was very unwilling to do this, as I did not want to leave my old friend in the lurch. I saw the business through, although these hæmorrhages came on after the first night and after each of the numerous repetitions. And the most amazing thing of all was that every time I was seized with a fit of utterly strange convulsive sobbing. When the attack was over, however, I felt as if liberated, just as if something torpid in me had been dissolved; as if something new, something never before felt, was stirring. My whole being seemed as if transformed, as if a dam had suddenly burst.

a1c08p022

"Never had music made so disturbing, so shattering an impression on me as on that evening. An achingly sweet and yet elevating sensation, which gripped all my senses, so the music wrought on me, moving me to tears, and the tears became convulsive sobs.

a1c08p023

"A complete revolution in my character began on this evening. Formerly my intercourse with

                     EINAR WEGENER (ANDREAS SPARRE) AFTER HAVING DEFINITELY
                            ASSUMED THE NAME OF LILI, PARIS, JANUARY 1930
EINAR WEGENEREinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ) AFTER HAVING DEFINITELY ASSUMED THE NAME OF LILILili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., PARISParis -- City in France, JANUARY 1930


[Page 97]
people had been rather imperious and condescending. From the first rehearsal I had been tormented by a feeling of failure. I was utterly astonished at myself. I no longer recognized myself. A strong impulse to resign myself, to obey, to submit myself unconditionally to another will, had seized hold of me. This impulse seemed to dominate me. IvenIven Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenJ -- Modeled on Johannes Poulsen, my old friend and boon companion, acted the chief rôle of the evening, apart from EbbaEbba Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenU -- Modeled on Ulla Britta Poulsen. Only a year before the three of us had been very merry together in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark. It had never before occurred to me to play second fiddle to him, to recognize him as the leading spirit! But on this evening, from the time of the first rehearsal, I submitted to him slavishly. Not a word of contradiction on my part did he encounter. And not only that, but I blushed like a boy when he requested me to do this or that step differently, to bow somewhat more or less at some figure or the other, and the like. And if he as much as touched me, I felt so confused that I did not know where to look.

a1c08p024

"In all these psychic disturbances which I then experienced, nothing of an erotic nature played the slightest part. In this respect IvenIven Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenJ -- Modeled on Johannes Poulsen and I had thoroughly sound natures. What it therefore meant I could not discover. It simply was so. And it was not I who first observed this change to humility, as GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- called it, but GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- herself. She teased me about it laughingly. But behind her smile was concealed an unbounded astonishment.

a1c08p025

"For the general rehearsal I wore my dancing-costume for the first time, close-fitting tights, a bolero, and a wig of short curls. After the general rehearsal was over, when I was standing in a dirty,
[Page 98]
ill-lighted corridor of the theatre, which was to take the place of the non-existent dressing-rooms, and while I was in the act of washing off powder and paint, a number of lasquenets, who likewise belonged to the ballet, passed behind me, clinking their weapons. One of them gave me a light slap.

a1c08p026

"'It suits you admirably to play a part in trousers, mademoiselle,' grinned the fellow.

a1c08p027

"When I turned round with an energetic protest, the fellow slipped away, exclaiming: 'There is far too much bluff these days, ma petite demoiselle.'

a1c08p028

"A few minutes later I had to go on the stage. When IvenIven Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenJ -- Modeled on Johannes Poulsen perceived me, he burst out laughing, and cried: 'No, children, this won't do. Now we have too many ladies!'

a1c08p029

"For a moment I did not understand the allusion. Then I turned round perplexed, all eyes upon me and everybody grinning. Red as a turkey-cock I rushed out, ran into the arms of a dresser, clutched him, and begged him 'at the producerIven Persen (fictional) Linked to: #poulsenJ -- Modeled on Johannes Poulsen's request to dress me rather more like a man'.

a1c08p030

" He endeavoured to do so with the assistance of a colleague, and indeed amid the giggles of both worthies. And I pulled myself together and behaved as if all this left me utterly unmoved.

a1c08p031

"The evening before the première I met in the wings an actor of striking muscular development, who had to dance in the ballet in the same costume as I was wearing. When he saw me, he inspected me from top to toe, and then blurted out angrily: 'Good God, man, you look impossible like that!'

a1c08p032

"I was speechless and felt as if I should like to sink into the earth. Had such a thing previously
[Page 99]
been said to me by a man, I would have knocked him down.

a1c08p033

"When I afterwards related everything to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , she confessed that she too had been struck by the strange alteration in the contours of my body. In my dancing-costume I had looked like a woman impersonating a man.

a1c08p034

"In the time which followed, my nervous condition assumed a feverish character. Henceforth at almost regular intervals these mysterious fits of depression, accompanied by severe hæmorrhages and violent pains, set in. And then, in addition, there were these disconcerting fits of sobbing. At first I thought that I had displaced some internal organ during the ballet performances, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- too thought this. Consequently, we went to a doctor, who was really a heart specialist and not competent to deal with my alleged illness. But he had known me for years. Of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., on the other hand, he knew nothing. Only our most intimate friends had been initiated, among whom the doctor was not numbered. Hence I did not broach the subject of my double life during this visit, although I myself had begun to suspect a connection between this and my physical condition.

a1c08p035

"As, after making a thorough examination, he found nothing which would explain the remarkable phenomena which had recently manifested themselves, he took me to a specialist, whom I had known slightly at VersaillesVersailles -- . This doctor then examined my body with great particularity and growing astonishment, and eventually thought he was able to detect strange irregularities in my inside. For the rest, he declared that the only thing to be
[Page 100]
done was to wait, especially as my whole constitution was very healthy and unimpaired; such a body as mine could stand a good deal.

a1c08p036

"Although this doctor had not said anything definite, this conversation gave me confidence and an almost mystical hope.

a1c08p037

"By this time I was perfectly clear in my own mind that something of a most unusual character must be happening inside me. I had inferred this more from the doctor's expression than from anything he had said.

a1c08p038

"And then, like so many sick persons who do not know what is really the matter with them, I began to procure all kinds of scientific books dealing with sexual problems. Within a short time I acquired an expert knowledge in this department, and knew many things of which the layman hardly dreams. But gradually it became clear to me that nothing which related to normal men and women could throw any light on my mysterious case.

a1c08p039

"So it came about that I formed an independent opinion, to the effect that I was both man and woman in one body, and that the woman in this body was in process of gaining the upper hand. Upon this assumption I explained the disturbances, both physical and psychic, from which I was suffering to an increasing extent.

a1c08p040

"All this I confided to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . And when, encouraged by her, I submitted my theory to various doctors in ParisParis -- City in France and VersaillesVersailles -- , they greeted it not merely with head-shakings, but even with disdain. The most polite among them treated me indulgently for every possible illness, while others regarded me as an hysterical subject, or simply as a lunatic.

Page 101
a1c08p041

"It was a terrible time. My health was on the downgrade, and soon I was unable to get any sleep. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was the only person who believed with me firmly in my theory. I owed it to her that I did not lose faith that one day I should find salvation.

a1c08p042

"Exactly a year ago we journeyed southward once more, to ItalyItaly -- Country in Europe. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- thought that a change of air just at this time, when ParisParis -- City in France was having very rainy weather, would do me good. The French winter had been unusually cold. The whole of March had been spoiled by rainy weather. Beyond the Alpsthe Alps -- we found the world in blossom.

a1c08p043

"We travelled to RomeRome -- City in Italy, where we had arranged to meet an Italian officerRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative whom we had met years before in FlorenceFlorence -- City in Italy. He had just returned home on furlough from the East after a long period of colonial service. He was waiting for us at the railway station and escorted us to our hotel, and then we were to dine somewhere in the town. I was utterly exhausted after the long railway journey and was suffering indescribable agony; but I did not want to spoil the day for GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and our friend. I therefore went with them.

a1c08p044

"We entered Facciano'sFacciano -- Assumed fictional place mentioned in narrative; historical place not identified and found a table. Through the open door the soft evening breezes streamed in from the beautiful Piazza ColonnaPiazza Colonna -- , where we could see the shimmering white columns in front of the rusty-red façade of the Palazzo ChigiPalazzo Chigi -- and the colonnade of Biffithe colonnade of Biffi -- , which re-echoed to the shrill cries of newspaper sellers, and thus saved one the expense of buying a journal. The orchestra played divinely. I shall never forget that evening.

a1c08p045

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- sat opposite me.

Page 102
a1c08p046

"It suddenly flashed upon me that she was looking as if she were hardly twenty-five years old. Every trace of fatigue had been charmed away from her features. And beside her sat our friend Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative, who was beaming on her. When we had made his acquaintance years ago, it did not seem fated to become an enduring friendship. At that time he had been a half-baked lieutenant. Il bello tenente FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative , he was then called—it had been during our first Italian trip. When we parted at that time it had seemed to be for ever, until his letter from the remote colony had reached us in ParisParis -- City in France. Most of its contents had been addressed to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

a1c08p047

"A feeling of deep melancholy stole over me. I found myself thinking of that time and of the years between, and, to some extent, of myself. What had I become?

a1c08p048

"I pulled myself together. A thousand questions were asked, and as many were answered. 'Do you remember the So and Sos? And Mrs. X? Do you remember that evening at Lapi . . . that afternoon in the Casino . . . and the evening which followed in the cinema in the Piazza Vittorio EmmanuelePiazza Vittorio Emanuele -- ?' I saw it all as if it had been yesterday, and there was I sitting with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative and laughing with them, and sometimes sharing a joke with them. They looked young, just as they did then so many years ago. But I joined in the laughter, although my laugh was forced and mechanical. My old zest in life had vanished. I had become another—a despondent person.

a1c08p049

"There in RomeRome -- City in Italy, a year ago now, I realized
[Page 103]
quite definitely that it was all up with me, that I was at the end of my tether, irrevocably at the end. I felt and knew this as something unalterable.

a1c08p050

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I had rented a studio with a wide balcony in the neighbourhood of the Piazza di SpagnaPiazza di Spagna -- . Every day I was ill, every day. And all the time the roses and the orange trees were blooming in front of our studio window.

a1c08p051

"Now and then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. appeared; but she had lost all her gaiety. She wept every time. She realized how beautiful life could be.

a1c08p052

"Sometimes GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- would weep as well. Otherwise, she was perfectly well, even in RomeRome -- City in Italy. She tried to paint; but nothing would come of her efforts. When I lay awake at night beside her, I observed that she too was lying with wide-open eyes. Our evenings we passed with FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative. His character, too, underwent a gradual change. A fitful melancholy weighed upon him, even when he tried to appear cheerful. He confessed that when all was said and done his life had been a failure. He could understand men who had reached this conclusion turning to the cloister as their last refuge. Undoubtedly there were such men, even in the twentieth century. I perceived that his words were seriously meant.

a1c08p053

"My thoughts wandered to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . Had she not also missed her life's purpose? Had she not sacrificed herself so that I should not live alone—because she felt that I had become a sick man—because she knew that she was the only person who could understand me? I knew that no earthly power could induce her to leave me—to-day less than ever. She was still young now. She still had
[Page 104]
time to catch up with many of the opportunities she had missed for my sake. For me life had no longer any attraction. I know this is a shallow thing to say, for others, but for me it said and comprised everything. Why should I drag out a miserable existence any longer? No doctor could discover what was the matter with me, nobody could help me. To go on living, ill and old before my time . . . the idea was too horrible to contemplate. I thought all this out without any feeling of self-commiseration. And thus the idea presented itself quite naturally: better dead. Then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- would be free. Then life would have still many rich years in store for her. That evening in RomeRome -- City in Italy I took a resolution. It still holds good. Only one thing can alter it.

a1c08p054

"It was then May. I gave myself a year's reprieve. If in the course of this year I should not find a doctor who could help me—who would try to save LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.—to separate her from me—I know how difficult it is for others to understand these words, to separate LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. from me—but how else shall I express the idea? Well, if I could not by the following May find this helper, then I would take a silent farewell from this existence, even if the other being who was obliged to share this existence with me in one body must also share my fate. I even appointed the day. It was to be the first of May. And I determined to carry out my design as discreetly as was possible to both of us—LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. and I—in order to spare GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- .

a1c08p055

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . . . . How to spare her? That was the hardest thing of all. I knew only too well how GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- would take a forcible termination of my life.

                     EINAR WEGENER'S (ANDREAS SPARRE) PICTURES AT Copenhagen EXHIBITION, 1930, IN
                            LIFETIME OF LILI ELBE
EINAR WEGENEREinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- 'S (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ) PICTURES AT CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark EXHIBITION, 1930, IN LIFETIME OF LILI ELBELili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.


[Page 105]
But despite all my consideration and solicitude for the best and truest friend of my life, I realized that there was no other way out. It would, however, be a release for us both, and certainly the only one that was possible.

a1c08p056

"Once I had taken this decision I felt relieved. Now I knew that there would be an end of this torture within a measurable period of time.

a1c08p057

"My health worsened from day to day. And the moment came when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- perceived that I could not remain in RomeRome -- City in Italy any longer, that a return to ParisParis -- City in France, where we knew some trustworthy doctors, was urgently necessary.

a1c08p058

"Unutterably depressed, we left RomeRome -- City in Italy—and Ridolfo FeruzziRidolfo Feruzzi (fictional) Linked to: #portaF -- Grete Sparre's second-husband in narrative—one sunny spring morning much earlier than we had planned.

a1c08p059

"In ParisParis -- City in France, in our native environment, my condition apparently improved. Again we visited a few specialists, but always with a negative result. Eventually a radiologist took me in hand. The treatment almost cost me my life, and I was nearly relieved of the necessity of despatching myself on the appointed first of May.

a1c08p060

"As the Parisian summer was too warm, we withdrew to VersaillesVersailles -- , in the neighbourhood of the ParkPark of Versailles -- . Our life resumed its normal course. Neither GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- nor I were fond of making much fuss about our weal and woe, our joys and sorrows. Work is the best doctor, I said to myself. And as often as my condition permitted, I went into the ParkPark of Versailles -- with my paintbox and easel, just as I did in former years. And LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. came as often as she liked, to distract GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and herself.

a1c08p061

"The only person who had a fairly clear
[Page 106]
perception of my condition was Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost. At that period he was a comforter to us both. Without the need of many words, he divined what was concealed behind the apparent calm which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and I—and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.—showed him on all his visits. When he came on Sunday, the old gaiety reigned once more among us.

a1c08p062

"If we had not had Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost at that time . . .

a1c08p063

"He, like GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , had long realized that the only thing that was still vital within me was LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. This they believed firmly. And hence they both encouraged LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to come as often as she liked.

a1c08p064

"Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost often took long walks with her through the Park of VersaillesVersailles -- Park of Versailles -- , forging plans for the future.

a1c08p065

"On one such evening, when the setting sun had turned to molten gold all the windows of the palacePalace of Versailles -- and the smooth surface of the water in the pond, they were strolling arm in arm along the terrace. Suddenly they heard a lady say to her companion in passing: 'Look! Two happy people!'

a1c08p066

"Most of our friends and acquaintances understood my condition much better than all the doctors whom we had consulted. Of course, their sympathy was limited to words. Nevertheless, their words often gave me moral support. They saw in me an overweighted man, whose sufferings were a real martyrdom, and not, as the French doctors declared over and over again, imagination and hysteria.

a1c08p067

"One day I met an elderly French painter in TrianonTrianon -- . We had known each other for years, but had not seen each other for a long time. He
[Page 107]
inquired sympathetically after my health. I answered evasively, without betraying the least hint of the real state of the case.

a1c08p068

"To my astonishment he made answer in my place.

a1c08p069

"I have been observing you for some time, without your having noticed it, here in the ParkPark of Versailles -- , when you are painting. I have been struck with the complete change that has come over you during recent years. Formerly you gave one the fresh, sharp impression of a healthy man. Now, if you will pardon my saying so, the effect you have on me is for all the world like that of a girl impersonating a man. You are ill. You are even very ill. You are undergoing a transformation. It is a fantastic idea; but what had never been before may become actuality to-morrow. We have known of cases of inversion for a long time, and doctors can deal with them. Why shouldn't you also be helped. It is to be hoped you will find a courageous and imaginative doctor. Everything depends on this. Of course, you will wonder how a poor painter can find the enormous fee for such an undertaking. Let us hope, nevertheless, that you will find a man prepared to assist you for humane and scientific reasons.'

a1c08p070

"These and similar expressions of understanding were like little oases in my progress through the desert, and they gave me courage and strength to prolong yet a little further my hopeless quest of a saviour.

a1c08p071

"During this last summer at VersaillesVersailles -- I began to notice that when I was standing in the street, or walking in the ParkPark of Versailles -- , people often stared at me
[Page 108]
in astonishment, even in the shops which I had been accustomed to visit for years. I had occasionally been aware of the same thing in ParisParis -- City in France during recent years, but never to the same extent as was now the case in VersaillesVersailles -- . Moreover, Parisians are the most cultivated, the most indifferent and the most blasé people in the world, while the Versaillese are semi-provincial.

a1c08p072

"One morning when I wanted to reach the ParkPark of Versailles -- quickly, in order to paint, I took a short cut through a corridor of the Hôtel des ReservoirsHôtel des Réservoirs -- Luxury hotel on rue des Réservoirs, near the park of Versailles, Paris., where several young waiters were standing.

a1c08p073

"I scarcely noticed them, but I had only gone a few steps when I heard behind me in pure Copenhagen slang the words: 'Look at that smart girl in trousers going to paint!'

a1c08p074

"Incidentally I may observe that the hotels in VersaillesVersailles -- are full of Danish waiters—I do not know why. Probably because German and Austrian waiters were mainly employed before the War, and, no doubt, owing to their knowledge of languages.

a1c08p075

"Enough! I behaved as if I had heard nothing, but went on my way pondering on the meaning of this compliment—and then it began to dawn on me why I had attracted attention everywhere in recent times.

a1c08p076

"A few days later the wife of our house porter , with whom I was on the best of terms, called me aside and said: 'Monsieur must not be angry with me if I confide to Monsieur that the shopkeepers in the neighbourhood where Madame and Monsieur make their purchases will not believe that Monsieur is a monsieur.' With eyes starting out
[Page 109]
of her head and mouth wide open she stood stock still while I answered with a smile: 'Madame, I am very much inclined to agree with the shopkeepers.'

a1c08p077

"These and similar incidents showed me that the situation was beginning to be paradoxical. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could not show herself in the street on her own account, because she and I shared the same body—although not a soul took any notice of her whenever she walked abroad, apart from occasional pursuers. I, on the other hand, was stared at everywhere. Although I was dressed perfectly correctly as a man and took long masculine strides, people took me for a girl masquerading as a man.

a1c08p078

"It was not to be endured.

a1c08p079

"In the autumn, when we returned to ParisParis -- City in France, I noticed that I was beginning to attract attention there also, although it mostly found expression in a somewhat more discreet manner. In the tube, or in the 'bus, or in the tram, I frequently caught looks and words from people who were watching me. The few remarks that I occasionally overheard were enough to convince me that the opinion of the shopkeepers in VersaillesVersailles -- was shared by others. With my thorough knowledge of the sophistication of Parisians in general it became doubly clear to me that I was really on the way to becoming a sensation—and this fact made me more and more nervous. My nerves, which had been weakened by the sufferings of long years, simply revolted: they could no longer bear the sight of me pursued everywhere by wondering and curious grimaces. This molestation by my fellows utterly depressed me.

Page 110
a1c08p080

"Thus I went again to the heart specialist with whom I was acquainted. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had called on him a few days before and had tried to explain to him my and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s double life—and he had promised her to take me to another specialist in VersaillesVersailles -- —although, personally, he regarded the whole thing as a fixed idea of mine, and exclusively as a 'diseased imagining without any physical foundation'.

a1c08p081

"'Your husband is healthy. His body is normal. I am speaking from a thorough knowledge, from a thorough examination of his body, madame.' Such was the wisdom of his concluding remarks.

a1c08p082

"This visit to the new specialist in VersaillesVersailles -- was to be my last experiment, I had solemnly sworn to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and myself, before we set out on the journey. On my arrival I immediately received the impression that the two doctors had settled their plan of campaign in advance: they wanted to try to drive out of me my hysterical crochets and whims. After an extremely superficial examination I was told point blank that I was a perfectly normal man without any defect whatever, and that all I had to do was to try to behave as a man with energy and good humour, in order to be able to lead once more the life of an ordinary man masculini generis. During this summary of their profound judgment they regarded me with scarcely veiled irony: they looked upon me as an hysterical subject, plainly as a fraud, and one of them, the 'new specialist', even hinted that I was really homosexual. This suggestion almost broke down my self-control. If GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had not saved the situation by a ringing laugh, repudiating on my behalf
[Page 111]
the supposition as utterly absurd, I should have seized the fellow by the throat.

a1c08p083

"After this hopeless consultation, which profoundly depressed us both, my last reserves of strength were exhausted. And I swore to myself that henceforth no power on earth would induce me to consult new doctors. I would not run the risk of being degraded again for the amusement of the medicos.

a1c08p084

"I said to myself that as my case has never been known in the history of the medical art, it simply did not exist, it simply could not exist. Thus my doom, which was also LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s doom, was sealed. All that now remained for me to do was to go on living with all the patience that I could muster until the short term that I had set to my life had expired.

a1c08p085

"Outwardly, nothing changed in the routine of our daily life. I was even cheerful when friends or acquaintances visited us, but particularly so in my behaviour towards GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , as I was afraid that she might see through me. That she was seriously perturbed I could divine from her whole attitude. She kept her feelings well under control, and generally showed me a smiling countenance, behind which she was able to hide her despondency. She had become so restless. Frequently, when she believed that I was not observing her, she would look at me furtively with an air of such strange inquiry that I feared she suspected my plans.

a1c08p086

"During these weeks I had only one desire: to hear music. Concerts I could no longer attend, as I dared not see people. Consequently, I bought large numbers of gramophone records, classical and modern music, all mixed up anyhow, and during
[Page 112]
long evenings our gramophone played until far into the night. I swallowed everything that was music—gay and tragic, the most banal and the most solemn, the most melodious and the most discordant music—provided only it were music. It was my comforter, whether it moved me to tears or prompted me to join merrily in some chorus, or even invite GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to dance with me.

a1c08p087

"At that time I lived on music. If I could not sleep, I fled to music. If I was unable to open my eyes in the morning, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- would fetch the gramophone from the studio to my bedside. It was not that I was abnormally receptive or sensitive. I was never less sensitive that at this time. I merely felt utterly lost, abandoned to a fate which transcended human understanding. Music, the language of the soul, liberated me. Not to have to speak myself, not to have to give shape to my hopeless brooding, not to think myself nor clothe my vague ideas in words, was my daily and nightly prayer.

a1c08p088

"Formerly I had found distraction in reading. Now I never opened a book. What were the fates of strange persons to me, unless I could find consolation in reading about a person of my own kind? But of such a person no author had been able to write, because it had never occurred to any author that such a person could ever have existed. How could the philosophies of the Greeks and of the present time assist me, which only tell us of the thoughts of men and of the thoughts of women in separate bodies and brains and souls? PlatoPlato (historical) -- Athenian philosopher's Banquet . . . hitherto it had been my refuge. PlatoPlato (historical) -- Athenian philosopher was acquainted with persons on the borderline of both emotional worlds, that of man and that

                     EINAR WEGENER (ANDREAS SPARRE) AS LILI ELBE, DRESDEN,
                            MAY 1930. BETWEEN SECOND AND THIRD OPERATIONS.
EINAR WEGENEREinar Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #lili -- (ANDREAS SPARREAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ) AS LILI ELBELili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., DRESDENDresden -- City in Germany, MAY 1930. BETWEEN SECOND AND THIRD OPERATIONS.


[Page 113]
of woman. 'Mixed beings' they are called. But here in my sickly body dwelt two beings, separate from each other, unrelated to each other, hostile to each other, although they had compassion on each other, as they knew that this body had room only for one of them.

a1c08p089

"One of these two beings had to disappear, or else both had to perish. During these nights I was obsessed by the delusion that this body did not belong to me alone, that my share in this body grew less day by day, as it enclosed in its interior a being which demanded its existence at the price of my existence. I seemed to myself like a deceiver, like a usurper who reigned over a body which had ceased to be his, like a person who owned merely the façade of his house.

a1c08p090

"Now and then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. would still appear, and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was delighted every time she came. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was gayer than I. Both of us knew this. And LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. knew it was in her power to comfort GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . Sometimes, at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's request, she remained for several days. In LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s company GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was more easily able to bear the nights. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. could fall asleep more easily. And when she slept, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , too, was able to sleep. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. often wept without GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- remarking it. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had always possessed her own dream world. She had always had such delightful dreams. Now her dreams had vanished. They revisited her just for a few nights. And every dream was a continuation of the previous one. It was winter, and she would dream of a coming spring which was very sunny. She told GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- these dreams, but she felt that they were only dreams. And then would come fear. The next night, however, a still more beautiful
[Page 114]
dream would drive her fear away. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- once told me that she had secretly recorded many of these dreams in her diary. And she said this as if she were betraying a secret.

a1c08p091

"'LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. has dreamed you a romance,' I said to her, and turned empty away.

a1c08p092

"But this dream-romance became the favourite subject of conversation between GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. during those dark days, and these talks were the only thing that gave GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. new courage and kept alive their hope that a miracle would somehow happen.

a1c08p093

"Thus we reached February. ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- were in ParisParis -- City in France again. And one morning ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- took me with her to the strange man from GermanyGermany -- Country in Europe Kreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . Now it is the third of March. In less than two months it will be the first of May. That is the extreme limit of the period which I gave myself. Then Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- will exist no longer. Whether LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. will survive this day and live out her own life rests in the hands of Werner KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ."

Page 115

IX

a1c09p001

When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- entered his hotel, it was almost morning. He stood at the window of his bedroom and gazed down at the square in front of the railway station . A number of taxi-cabs were there, a few belated pedestrians. A gleam of light was visible from the glass wall of the long narrow booking-hall.

a1c09p002

He was very tired.

a1c09p003

Slowly he undressed. He stood nude in front of the mirror. He thought of an expression he had used that evening: "I am like one who only owns the façade of his house." The mirror in front of him showed him the façade. It was the unblemished body of a man.

a1c09p004

After a few hours he awoke in a cheerful humour, took a bath, breakfasted, punctually paid, one after another, his last visits to the various doctors, and felt almost carefree. In the middle of the Leipziger StrasseLeipziger Strasse -- In Berlin, Germany he heard a child's voice whisper: "Look, mamma, a woman in man's clothes." He turned round, and encountered a frightened look in two girlish eyes, probably a ten-year-old, with a thick, fair pigtail; the child blushed a fiery red and clutched hold of her mother, who regarded him with as much astonishment as her daughter, and then hurried along with the child.

a1c09p005

A remarkable feeling of grim defiance welled
[Page 116]
up in him. Without meaning to do so, or even being aware of his action, he remained standing in front of a shop window, gazing inquiringly at his own reflection in the smooth plate-glass window. Irritably he muttered to himself. "There is nothing more to be done with me. There is nothing more to be done with me." Several times he repeated this sentence, and then looked at his watch. It was half past four in the afternoon, and at five o'clock he had to be in Professor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- 's sanatoriumProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin.

a1c09p006

He found himself in Potsdamer PlatzPotsdamer Platz -- and entered the post-office. In the huge telephone directory he looked up the number of Baroness SchildtBaronin Schildt (fictional) -- Modeled on Anne-Marie Goldschmidt-Rothschild, whom he really ought to have visited before, and asked to be connected. She was not at home. He despatched a few hasty lines by post:

a1c09l01ha

"Dear BaronessBaronin Schildt (fictional) -- Modeled on Anne-Marie Goldschmidt-Rothschild,

a1c09l01p01

"Do not be angry if you should not see me again. In a few minutes I shall be calling a taxi and proceeding to my own funeral-tomb, Professor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- 's sanatoriumProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin. Whatever happens, think kindly of me. And if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. should alone survive, do not let her be quite alone. I know that not all my men friends are her friends, but I should like her to inherit my women friends."

a1c09p007

He threw the letter into the bag of the postman who was just emptying the blue pillar-box. He pressed a shilling into the worthy fellow's hand. The postman looked at him astonished. Before the man could thank him, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was in the
[Page 117]
nearest taxi. He gave the driver the exact address of the nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin, and punctually at five o'clock entered the sanatoriumProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin.

a1c09p008

He was immediately led to the house-surgeonDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- , who regarded him with a benevolent mien.

a1c09p009

"I have just had a long telephonic conversation with my colleague KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- about your case," the ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- began. "Previously I had been talking to Doctor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified about it. He will be present at the operation which I have to perform. I should now like to have the opportunity of making your acquaintance. A personal impression is always very desirable."

a1c09p010

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- answered to the point: "Please, ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- , ask me what you like." But the ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- preferred a physical examination to all questions, requested him to undress and lie down upon an adjacent sofa of a type which had become very familiar to him since he had been in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany.

a1c09p011

"Yes," declared the ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- , after making a detailed examination, "in yourself you are entirely what you represent yourself to be in civic life, a man, but at the same time your body undoubtedly shows a female conformation. I am surprised at the state of affairs." And while AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was dressing himself again, the surgeonDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- paced the room thoughtfully, regarded the patient without pausing, glanced at his diary, and then said: "I know you are in a hurry. Come early to-morrow morning."

a1c09p012

"That is not convenient, because I am to be photographed by Doctor HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- at eleven o'clock to-morrow morning before the operation, at Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- 's wishes."

a1c09p013

"Good," declared Professor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- , after
[Page 118]
again consulting his diary; "four o'clock in the afternoon will also be convenient. To-day is Monday . . . then to-morrow, Tuesday, afternoon."

a1c09p014

"So we have a further reprieve," he said to himself, and looked at his watch. It was nearly half past six. A taxi-cab was in the neighbourhood. He gave the driver the name of his hotel, and spent this last night of all alone in the hotel bedroom. He felt that his body and nerves could not stand any more strain that day—yesterday's sleepless night, the conversation which had preceded it, the noisy, strange giant city all around him.

a1c09p015

"I am no longer a player myself. I am only a substitute for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. I must therefore be sparing."

a1c09p016

Tuesday morning AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- left his hotel early. It was a bright March day; he strolled along the FriedrichstrasseFriedrichsstrasse -- Street in Berlin, Germany, then turned into the broad highway of Unter den LindenUnter den Linden -- , and found himself in the Pariser PlatzPariser Platz -- , facing the smooth, austere Brandenburg GateBrandenburg Gate -- . This beautiful and almost classically perfect perspective was bathed in the keen, bright sunshine of March. The painter awoke in him. He went into the TiergartenTiergarten -- . Sunshine and budding vegetation everywhere. And the dead leaves were glistening like bronze. He strolled along a path which led to a lake, on which ducks were swimming. The branches of lofty trees were reflected on the surface of the water.

a1c09p017

He had never been there before. He absorbed the picture. He thought of the many morning hours of his past life as a painter, spent far from towns and people, and he blessed the fate which had made him a painter, a creature of utter
[Page 119]
simplicity who surrendered himself fully to the enjoyment of the moment. Not to lose this precious moment was the impulse which found release when he painted. He usually painted feverishly, and could scarcely wait to catch the picture while it presented itself to his gaze, this gaze which was purified by the winds of travel, which saw more than the vacant stare of others, and which was brighter than that of others. Clairvoyant. How fond he had always been of this word, and how it recurred to him at this moment!

a1c09p018

He had always been one with this intangible and restless something, this play of light and shade, of claire-obscure, with colour and form. His attitude had been like that of a sly bird-stalker who laid in ambush and knew all the calls that would allure what he sought.

a1c09p019

Thus he had created his pictures, spellbound on the dead canvas with dead colours, until what he had divined with his eyes suddenly began to take on a life of its own. . . . Captured echoes, he had then usually confessed to himself. My pictures are only feeble echoes . . . He had been happy and very humble, like an initiate. And these hours had been the only real and genuine joys of his life. These joys had belonged to him, to him alone, he could not have shared them with, nor could he have stolen them from, any other person. They had been exclusively his wealth, his property. Could he transmit this property, this wealth? This question had never occurred to him before. Can one transmit joy? The joy of painting? For him, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , these joys had gone beyond recall. And if LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. should survive him,
[Page 120]
would she feel any desire to paint? Would he be able to bequeath her as a heritage this joy, this blissful feeling of creative capacity, as a slight compensation for the life he had stolen from her, for the many youthful years he had deprived her of? His consciousness of guilt which so often weighed heavily upon him would be thereby lessened.

a1c09p020

He must now think of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., who had such different inclinations from his; but why now think of inheritance? What great thing had he ever accomplished? True, he possessed a small token which he had to share with nobody: the golden "palm" of the Paris AcademyÉcole des Beaux-Arts -- . Oh, vanity!

a1c09p021

He wondered whether it was not time to return. He was standing upon an elegant lightly balanced bridge, whence he could look over a wide canal which poured its masses of water over a sluice drawn half-way up, so that it hissed and glittered like a miniature waterfall.

a1c09p022

"I am just like one who is trying to sail under a waterfall," he reflected, "and I feel the current catching hold of me, and I no longer know whither the voyage is leading. Perhaps into complete destruction. . . . Yet . . . now, half-way, the boat cannot be left. The resolution is taken. I cannot go back."

a1c09p023

Half an hour later he was at Dr. HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- 'sInstitute for Psychiatry -- Fictional name in narrative for Institut für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, Germany, waiting for the photographer.

a1c09p024

A lady, HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- 's assistant, then came to him in the waiting-room, and began a conversation with him. He merely listened. She was tactful, and he felt that whatever she said was not dictated by curiosity or importunity.

Page 121
a1c09p025

"Your case is a novelty for us here. And what adds to the interest which we take in you for scientific reasons is the fact that you are an artist, an intellectual, and therefore able to analyse your own feelings, your own emotional life. You will experience the unprecedented and incredible thing: first to have lived and felt as a man, and then to live and feel as a woman. I am reminded of that Roman emperor who took his life because he could not achieve what is now your fate."

a1c09p026

At length the photographer arrived. When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- left Dr. HardenfeldProfessor Hardenfeld (fictional) Linked to: #hirschfeld -- 's institutionInstitute for Psychiatry -- Fictional name in narrative for Institut für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Science) in Berlin, Germany, he invited himself to a "farewell breakfast". With great care he selected an appropriate restaurant for this purpose in the West End.

a1c09p027

Then he repaired to his hotel, paid his bill, and proceeded to ThomasiusstrasseThomasiusstrasse -- , to bid farewell to his friends.

a1c09p028

"You don't look exactly like a victim," affirmed friend NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative the moment he entered the room.

a1c09p029

"Nor do I feel like one—on the contrary," laughed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- .

a1c09p030

While IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- wrung her hands: "But, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , in a few hours you are going to be operated upon, and you come here with a cigar in your mouth almost as black as a crow."

a1c09p031

Before he was aware of her action, she had snatched the cigar out of his hand.

a1c09p032

"Please, I have just come from the last meal before my execution, or, speaking more correctly, I have celebrated in the most literal meaning of the words the enterrement de ma vie de garçon."

a1c09p033

IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- took his hand. "I have not been a nurse for nothing; I know how one should behave before
[Page 122]
an operation. Certainly not as you are doing, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . It is a stupid boyish trick to go and feast. It is putting on airs. And now NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative will go with you to the nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin."

a1c09p034

And so it fell out. Without a cigar, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- entered the sanatoriumProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin under his friend's supervision.

a1c09p035

The operation sister received the two gentlemen, conducted them to a room next to the operating-theatre, the door of which stood open. A few nurses appeared to be making everything ready for a new operation. A strong odour pervaded the place.

a1c09p036

Professor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- was, unfortunately, unable to arrive until nearly six o'clock, and the gentlemen must therefore have a little patience. They would be notified in due course.

a1c09p037

The time was scarcely four. Niel's face assumed an expression of utter despair. "I can't stand waiting here two hours," he said almost contritely, and intimated that he would like to spend the period of waiting with the patient in the large café situated close at hand.

a1c09p038

When they had found seats in the café opposite the newspaper stand, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- detected a few yards away from them a red-haired cripplethe cripple (fictional) -- , a newspaper boy. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- sprang up in a trice and moved backwards towards the cripplethe cripple (fictional) -- , who observed this proceeding with astonishment, for which he received a shilling from AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , and then another shilling after AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had touched his very solid hump.

a1c09p039

"My dear NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative," he then said by way of answer to his friend's astonished look, "I call that friendship! To bring me in the presence of such a splendid
[Page 123]
hump at the eleventh hour. For you know, of course, that such a fellow infallibly brings one luck. A superstition, for aught I care, but now I feel invulnerable. To touch a manly hump works wonders, but a female hump the contrary."

a1c09p040

"Which we will whet with a noble drop of Rhenish wine, as a burial drink so to speak, according to the good old Nordic custom." And already AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had ordered from the head waiter a bottle of the very best vintage. "But three glasses, please."

a1c09p041

"Three?" enquired NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative.

a1c09p042

"Of course; the cripplethe cripple (fictional) -- must drink with us." Nor did the red-haired fellowthe cripple (fictional) -- want asking twice. "The like of us is used to plenty of sorrow," replied the hunchbackthe cripple (fictional) -- , making a low bow. He seized the proffered glass, and clinked it with that of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- : "Your health, my dear sir. May your good soul long survive you!"

a1c09p043

"The fellow speaks like a prophet," cried NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative. But AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- clasped the red-haired cripplethe cripple (fictional) -- in his arms, then released the astonished man and raised his glass. "So be it!" And he clinked his glass with that of the hunchbackthe cripple (fictional) -- . When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative at length departed, the red-haired cripplethe cripple (fictional) -- gazed after them, shaking his head.

a1c09p044

In the room of the nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin which was awaiting AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- lights were already burning. A nurse ushered him in, took the patient's personal particulars, hung a thermometer over the bed, and requested AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- to lie down immediately. The doctors would soon put in an appearance.

a1c09p045

"I suppose it is best that I should go at once," inquired NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative.

a1c09p046

AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- nodded. "Well, old chap, so long, and I
[Page 126]
will do all I can to fulfil the red-haired fellowthe cripple (fictional) -- 's prophecy."

a1c09p047

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was about to say something more, but AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- pushed him to the door. A brief handshake, and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was alone.

a1c09p048

He paced up and down. Once, twice, thrice. Without knowing it he began to count his steps. So the room was seven paces long and six paces wide. Then he sat on the bed. He regarded the room. A room in a nursing-home like countless others. Bright walls, and bed and table and cupboard and the two chairs likewise painted a light colour.

a1c09p049

And then he began to undress very slowly. Suddenly it occurred to him that he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , was probably undressing for the last time . . . that what was now taking place was a farewell to coat and waistcoat and trousers and so on and so on. For a lifetime these coverings of coat and waistcoat and trousers had enclosed him. He contemplated the articles of clothing, one after another, as he took them off; he hung the coat over the waistcoat, and then both upon the hanger in the cupboard, as he had been accustomed to do since . . . yes, since when? He stretched the trousers in the trouser-press, and looked at one article after another, and stroked each in turn. "What will become of you? What will become of me? Which of us here will survive the other? I—myself? I—you? . . . Coat, waistcoat, trousers, shoes, underclothes, socks. . . ."

a1c09p050

And he picked up his hat off the table. "You too. I had almost forgotten you. Who else have I forgotten?" And he slipped his hand in the inside
[Page 125]
pocket of his coat, took out a picture, and stood it on the table against the wall. "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ," he said, and started to stroke the picture. A knock was heard and the door was opened. Professor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- entered, accompanied by his assistant doctor. A few questions were addressed to AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , with the result that, to his surprise, the performance of the "first operation", which involved no danger whatever, as the ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- explained, had to be postponed to the following morning. "'Gravol' is what you call such farewell celebrations in the North," laughed the ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- . "Your friend has already betrayed to me the Rhenish wine. Congratulations! You seem to know your way about there. But operations of this kind are best performed on an empty stomach. In a few hours' time we will give you a sleeping-draught, so that the time between now and to-morrow morning will not seem too long to you. And now, courage." A handshake—and AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was again alone.

a1c09p051

"So it's always wait, wait, wait, wait," he said to himself. "However, much patience must one have," he said, addressing the portrait which stood on the table next to his bed.

a1c09p052

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ." . . . More he could not say; he leaned back on the white pillows, stared at the ceiling, and felt tired.

a1c09p053

He had struggled to the goal. He became sensible of the bustle of the day here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany. Now he had to confess that he was at the end of his forces. And the last remnant of his masculine pride, which he had been dragging about with him in this strange million-headed city like a cuirass, fell away from him.

Page 126
a1c09p054

"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , it's a good thing you can't see me now."

a1c09p055

No weakness . . . stick it out.

a1c09p056

He had laid a writing-pad and fountain-pen on the table. He took a sheet of paper and wrote:

a1c09l02ha

"BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany,

a1c09l02hb

"4th March, Tuesday evening.

a1c09l02hc

"Dearest GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ,

a1c09l02p01

"To-morrow I shall be operated upon. The ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- says the operation in question is only a minor one, involving no danger. Consequently I have not besought you to come to me. Should it, however, turn out otherwise, I will tell you now that I shall have thought only of you every hour, every minute up to the last moment. My last wish is that your future should be happy—that you should inherit my fundamentally joyous temperament. Thousand kisses from LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

a1c09l02fa

"Yours, AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ."

a1c09p057

When IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- entered his room an hour later, he gave her the letter and asked her to give it to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , in case.

a1c09p058

"You great booby, I have known all along from NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative that everything will be all right. I have even gone to the café and taken a few flowers to your somewhat unusual guardian angelthe cripple (fictional) -- ." He went as red as a turkey and said: "This is the luckiest day I have had."

a1c09p059

At ten o'clock the assistant doctor entered again. He gave AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- the promised sleeping-draught. Then the nurse appeared, tidied up the room, and switched off the light.

a1c09p060

They let him sleep on until the middle of the
[Page 127]
morning, when the doctors were expected to arrive. He had hardly time to make a hasty toilet before Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified was standing beside the bed and requesting him to sign a declaration that he, Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , desired to be operated upon at his own risk, and that Professor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- was relieved of all responsibility in the event of an unfavourable outcome.

a1c09p061

"With pleasure," he declared, and he immediately signed the document which was addressed to some high authority, and which said in effect: "In case I die, I renounce all right to make any difficulties hereafter." "But may I not add a few words of thanks to the German doctors," he asked suddenly, "who are going to make an attempt to save me?"

a1c09p062

This request was laughingly declined, and then the ProfessorProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified announced: "The operation will take place in a few minutes. I am present at the desire of Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , so good luck." He then withdrew.

a1c09p063

When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was again alone, he wrote yet another letter:

a1c09l03ha

"My dear Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ,

a1c09l03p01

"At the last moment before my operation I yield to an impulse to express to you my heart-felt thanks. Since the day when I met you in ParisParis -- City in France I have been hopeful, and here in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany, where I know none of the doctors who have examined me and assisted me, an invisible power seems to have smoothed all my paths. I know that you are this invisible power, and that whatever good things have come my way have emanated from you. Whatever the result
[Page 128]
may be, I want you to know that I am enormously grateful for all you have done for me.

a1c09l03fa

"Your attached Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ."

a1c09p064

Now everything was in order.

a1c09p065

A moment later the assistant doctor entered the room.

a1c09p066

When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- woke up again, in violent pain, it was almost noon. He opened his eyes with a shriek. Gradually he realized that he was lying in his bed. It seemed to him as if he had been crying out for a long time, as if he were resisting something. Two nurses were standing beside him and speaking soothing words. When he recovered consciousness he felt the pains growing more violent. With an effort he regained control of himself and clenched his teeth. He would leave off screaming. And, in fact, he screamed no more.

a1c09p067

"Did I make much noise?" he inquired.

a1c09p068

"Well, just a little," said one of the nurses with a smile, "and the strange thing was that your voice had completely changed. It was a shrill woman's voice."

a1c09p069

Then Professor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- came in and took AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- by the hand. "It went off splendidly. Moreover, I must congratulate you. You have a splendid soprano voice! Simply astounding."

a1c09p070

Towards the evening he was awakened by a fit of coughing. It seemed as if his whole body were being torn asunder. The coughing was terrible. He had tried to suppress it, but without success.

a1c09p071

At last the fit was over, and he lay exhausted. The nurses wiped the perspiration off his forehead. "You must have smoked a lot?" she asked. "Perhaps even yesterday."



                  LILE ELBE, WOMEN'S CLINIC, DRESDEN, JUNE 1930 (AFTER THE OPERATION)
LILE ELBELili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., WOMEN'S CLINICWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden, DRESDENDresden -- City in Germany, JUNE 1930 (AFTER THE OPERATION)

Page 129
a1c09p072

On the table by the bed lay a cigarette-case.

a1c09p073

"Throw them out of the window, Nurse. I will never put a cigarette or cigar in my lips again." The nurse smilingly removed the cigarette-case. "Don't forget your vow!"

a1c09p074

"I swear it to you and to me." And he thought of the cigar which IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- had taken from him yesterday. It was the very last cigar which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had smoked.

a1c09p075

Fresh fits of coughing in the course of the evening deepened his sudden hatred of tobacco to such an extent that the very idea of tobacco filled him with nausea. And this fanatical aversion from the enjoyment of tobacco in every form he inherited from LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

a1c09p076

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was admitted to him for a few moments.

a1c09p077

"You're going on fine, what?" he began immediately.

a1c09p078

"Oh, yes." More than that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- could not bring himself to say. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative looked at the nurse in astonishment.

a1c09p079

She whispered to him: "I suppose you are surprised at the clear voice."

a1c09p080

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative nodded. "I cannot recognize it."

a1c09p081

Then he sat on the one chair next to the bed. "IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- sends you her greetings. Otherwise . . ."

a1c09p082

The nurse gave a hint. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative stole out of the sick-room. And AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- whimpered: "Nurse, give me an injection. . . ." It was not the only one he had during the night. It was an endless agonizing night. Not until dawn did he manage to go off into a short heavy sleep. By the time he was fully awake, about noon, he felt as weak as one who had been wandering through a desert. But the pains seemed to have become more remote.

Page 130
a1c09p083

Only now and then the question would surge up in his mind, "Who am I? What am I? What was I? What shall I become?"

a1c09p084

Soon afterwards IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- came—with flowers and a large bottle of eau-de-Cologne. Flowers! How their scent transformed the sick-room!

a1c09p085

"Drench me with eau-de-Cologne, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- ! Sprinkle it all over the room!" he cried, almost beside himself with joy.

a1c09p086

Then she sat on the bed next to him and began to talk in confident tones. She, who had previously always addressed him as "you" now used the more intimate "thou". He did not realize until many days later that during these first days she never once called him by any name.

a1c09p087

Each day she came to see him with flowers and comforting words. So one day, two days, three days passed. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- slept most of the time. No dreams came to him in the long nights, through which he was assisted by sedatives. And every morning IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- was with him with fresh flowers.

a1c09p088

One day she brought with her a perfectly magnificent spring bouquet.

a1c09p089

"This time you must not thank me. The floral greetings are from a good friend."

a1c09p090

"From Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost?"

a1c09p091

IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- nodded.

a1c09p092

She opened the note attached to the bouquet and read:

a1c09p093

"Each flower of my bouquet is a greeting to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

a1c09p094

For a long time the flowers concealed the
[Page 131]
invalid's eyes, and even IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- could not see that his eyes were weeping scalding tears.

a1c09p095

"Will ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost ever find her again?"

a1c09p096

"Whom?"

a1c09p097

"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

a1c09p098

Saying which, the invalid handed IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- a card, on which he had scribbled a few lines.

a1c09p099

"Did you write this?" she asked.

a1c09p100

"Yes, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- ."

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"But then she is there already; ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost's LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. Just look."

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He gazed at the card and failed to recognize his writing. It was a woman's script.

a1c09p103

IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- hurried out and met the assistant doctor, who was standing in the corridor. She showed him the card: "What do you think of this, Doctor. No man could have written it?"

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"No," said the astonished doctor; "no, you are quite right. One thing after another is pushing out."

a1c09p105

"One thing after another."

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AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- distinctly heard the words.

a1c09p107

And the doctor answered: "Haven't you noticed the voice is completely altered? It has changed from a tenor into a clear soprano."

a1c09p108

When AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was again alone, he spoke softly to himself. He wanted to listen to his own voice. But drowsiness overcame him and he fell asleep once more.

a1c09p109

He woke up suddenly in the middle of the night. A terrible shriek startled him. At first he thought that he had himself screamed. He clenched his teeth. But the screams were heard again. No, he had not screamed. It was like the shriek of a tortured animal. He could not stand it any longer.
[Page 132]
"Someone is being murdered! Help, help!" he cried, and reaching out his hand, pressed the bell. The door was flung open, the light switched on. A nurse stood in front of him. "What is the matter with you?"

a1c09p110

"With me?" Once more the screams rang out.

a1c09p111

"I was so terrified, Nurse. Is somebody dying?"

a1c09p112

The nurse closed the door and drew the heavy felt curtains along. . . . "A young woman has given birth to a child. . . a sweet little girl. . . .I suppose you never realized what a difficult thing childbirth is?"

a1c09p113

The next morning IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- arrived early.

a1c09p114

"Who do you think is coming in a day or two?" she cried, as she entered the room.

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ?"

a1c09p116

"Yes, here is her letter."

a1c09p117

He had to extract the letter from a huge bouquet, and was still reading it when Professor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- , accompanied by the assistant doctor, came into the room.

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"Tell me, please, DoctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- ," exclaimed AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , "when shall I be able to get up?"

a1c09p119

"Why the haste? You are doing very well here in bed amid flowers and soft hands."

a1c09p120

"But there is a hurry, DoctorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- . In three days my wife will arrive."

a1c09p121

"Your wife?" The ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- was taken aback. "All right, then, but have a little patience. Madame will certainly find you somewhat changed."

a1c09p122

Then he hurriedly left the room with his companion.

a1c09p123

"Did I do anything absurd, IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- ? The ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- looked at me with such an amused expression."

a1c09p124

"Stupid LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.!" was the only answer that IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- could think of.

Page 133

X

a1c10p001

Three days later GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- arrived early in the morning.

a1c10p002

The nurse on duty knew at once who she was.

a1c10p003

A few moments later she was in the sick-room.

a1c10p004

GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- stood in the middle of the room with outstretched arms, and could not stir. She was struggling with her tears. She wanted to throw him a gay greeting, but sank down sobbing by the side of the bed.

a1c10p005

Late in the evening, when she was alone with the turmoil of thoughts and sensations that assailed her, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- wrote the following letter to their friend in ParisParis -- City in France, Claude LejeuneClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost:

a1c10l01p01

"I can only hint at what I have been through to-day. I thought I should find AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- is dead, for I could not see him. I found a pale being. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and yet not LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. as we had known her in ParisParis -- City in France. It was another. New in voice and expression, new in the pressure of her hand, unspeakably changed. Or was it a being who is in process of finding herself? No doubt the latter is the case. So womanly and untouched by life. No, womanly is not the right word. Maidenly, I ought to say. Perhaps childish, fumbling with a thousand questions in the dark.
[Page 134]
A 'nova vita'. I cannot find words to express my meaning. I have been shaken to my depths. What a fate, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost! A fit of uncanny shuddering grips me whenever I reflect upon it. It is a mercy that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. herself is too weak now to look backward or forward. She is hardly able to realize the condition she is in at the moment. I spoke to the doctors.

a1c10l01p02

"The first operation, which only represents a beginning, has been successful beyond all expectations. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had ceased to exist, they said. His germ glands—oh, mystic words—have been removed. What has still to happen will take place in DresdenDresden -- City in Germany under the hands of Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . The doctors talked about hormones; I behaved as if I knew what they meant. Now I have looked up this word in the dictionary and find that it refers to the secretions of internal organs which are important for vital processes. But I am no wiser than I was before. Must one equip oneself, then, with wisdom and knowledge in order to understand a miracle? I accept the miracle like a credulous person.

a1c10l01p03

"What I found here in the nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin I would call the unravelling of the beloved being whose life and torments those of us who have shared with him all these many difficult years, have felt to be an insoluble riddle. Unravelling. . . .That's what it is. But the unravelling is not yet finished. I know it, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. suspects it. She is not yet allowed to see her lacerated body. It is bound up, and to herself and probably also to the doctors is still a secret which only KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- can unveil entirely.

Page 135
a1c10l01p04

"Everybody here, the doctors, the nurses, our friends NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , have candidly expressed to me their astonishment at the almost miraculous outward change in 'our patientLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'—for they do not rightly know whether they ought to address this being as a man or a woman. What is their astonishment compared with mine? They have been seeing the invalid every day. But I, who had been parted from him only two weeks, should have scarcely recognized my beloved husbandAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- . And as it has fared with me, so it will one day fare with you and ElenaElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- and ErnestoErnesto Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniE -- , to whom you must show this letter.

a1c10l01p05

"More than this I cannot write now, except to say that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., this sweet new LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., lay in my arms like—oh, I must say it, because it is the truth—like a little sister, weeping many, many tears, and all at once said to me with a gentle sob in her voice: 'Are you not angry with me'— looking at me with so perplexed an expression—'because AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has robbed you of your best years?' ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, I was too shocked to utter a word—and when at length I could have said what I felt, I dared not do so. Not me, I thought, has AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- robbed, not me, but you, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., my sweet pale LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., of all your girlish years. You and I, ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost, and all of us, must help to compensate LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. for the fraud which AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- has practised on her."

a1c10p006

Many months later LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. read this letter. ClaudeClaude Lejeune (fictional) Linked to: #prevostClaude -- Modeled on Claude Prévost gave it to her.

a1c10p007

The next morning—GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had spent the night
[Page 136]
alone in an hotel—the head nurse proposed to put another bed in the sick-room, so that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- could be near the patient until the departure for DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, which was appointed to take place within a few days.

a1c10p008

"Splendid!" whispered GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , delighted, and taking the nurse by the hand she led her into an adjoining room, which stood empty. Swiftly she fetched a trunk which she had left in the corridor, opened it cautiously, and drew out a silk négligée.

a1c10p009

"How becoming you will look in it, madam!"

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"I? No, Nurse; it is a present from our Parisian friendElena Rossini (fictional) Linked to: #allatiniH -- for our—patient inside. But not a word, please, until to-morrow morning!"

a1c10p011

And when morning came it found LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. sitting in the most charming Parisian négligée, still very pale and limp, but nevertheless quite gay, in the white sick-bed. And the assistant doctor could hardly believe his eyes. "Famous! Congratulations, miss! And if you promise to be very good and careful you may get up to-day for two hours and show yourself to your astonished friends. More than this we cannot permit for the time being."

a1c10p012

One nurse after another rustled in. Their astonishment was unbounded.

a1c10p013

Such was the reception accorded in the BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin to the miracle performed upon this still very fatigued human being, a reception unmingled with curiosity or excessive inquiry; and when Professor GebhardDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- paid a visit in the evening, he kissed the patient's trembling hand as if it were the most natural thing in the world: "Good day, mademoiselle," he said; "I congratulate you. You are on the right road."


PORTRAIT BY GERDA WEGENER
                            (GRETE SPARRE), WITH LILI AS MODEL
PORTRAIT BY GERDA WEGENERGerda Wegener (historical) Linked to: #sparreGre -- (GRETE SPARREGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ), WITH LILILili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. AS MODEL

Page 137
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Then he noticed GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- for the first time. "Ah, madam, welcome."

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For a moment the ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- confronted each other mutely, not without suppressed emotions.

a1c10p016

Then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. broke the silence. "Yes, ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- , this is Madame GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , who . . ."

a1c10p017

The ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- gave a good-humoured laugh. "I know; who was married to Monsieur Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , who has slipped away from us in such a miraculous manner. Men are deceivers ever, madame." And with this happy expression the tension of a difficult situation was relieved.

a1c10p018

LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. surrendered herself to all this as if unconcerned, during her first BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany days. Observers could detect in her scarcely any trace of excitement, but rather a kind of relaxation. Moreover, she avoided replying to any look of astonishment on the faces of others by a word or even a gesture.

a1c10p019

"We must leave her in peace," GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- would then say to them in confidence. "She is resting. She is in a kind of transition. She is now getting ready to soar into freedom."

a1c10p020

During these days GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- began to keep a diary. Every evening she recorded therein her observations, and the experiences which crowded thickly upon her in the company of the new LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., in simple, almost fumbling sentences, seeking the way of her friend—this difficult, wonderful way upon which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had scarcely ventured to take the first step.

a1c10p021

Here is a leaf from the diary that she started:

a1c10d01p01

"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. bears everything with incredible patience. True, she whimpers every morning, and even
[Page 138]
when her bandages are changed, when fasteners must be undone and done up, and when the still fresh scars are painted.

a1c10d01p02

"'This is all for my good,' she says with a patience which I have never seen her display before. She has only one wish, to go to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany soon, to her ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . She always calls him her ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , or else her miracle-man. About the past she does not say a single word. It often seems to me as if she were without any past at all, as if she did not yet really believe in a present, as if she had been waiting for KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , her miracle-man, in order to bring her to proper life."

a1c10p022

Here is another entry:

a1c10d02p01

"To-day IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- and I did some shopping without LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. knowing what we were about. We must make some preparations for the journey to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany. In the afternoon we returned to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., bringing with us a big cardboard box. 'Guess what we have brought you,' I said gaily. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. regarded us calmly, without a smile. 'I don't know.' That was her only answer. Then IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- opened the box. 'LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. . . .' said IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- , spreading out the coat in front of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and showing her the silk lining. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked at the coat, and said: 'But Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- will send me away if I appear before him in this attire. He won't recognize me at all.' And her eyes looked so sad. Really, they are always sad, even when she smiles. AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had quite different eyes. So had LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in ParisParis -- City in France. I think the eyes of the LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to-day are not yet quite awake. She does not
[Page 139]
yet believe. . . . Or is it that she will not yet show that she believes?"

a1c10p023

On this day LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. wrote her first letter, to her brother-in-law in CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark brother-in-law (fictional) Linked to: #thomsenTC -- Andreas Sparre's sister's husband..

a1c10l02ha

"BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany,

a1c10l02hb

"14th March, 1930.

a1c10l02hc

"Dear Christianbrother-in-law (fictional) Linked to: #thomsenTC -- Andreas Sparre's sister's husband.,

a1c10l02p01

"It is now LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. who is writing to you. I am sitting up in my bed in a silk nightdress with lace trimming, curled, powdered, with bangle, necklace, and rings. Even my solemn ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- calls me LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and everybody compliments me upon my appearance; but I am still feeling tired after the operation and the terrible nights that followed it. GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- has arrived, and has gone out to buy me a warm coat, so that I can travel to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany next week. The operation which has been performed here enables me to enter the clinic for womenWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden (exclusively for women). And now I feel I have courage for the major operation. A thousand thanks for the cheque. When we leave for DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, all letters will be forwarded. Now I can say with a light heart: 'It matters not what pains await me, as I am so happy, and in a few months I shall be quite well, a blooming maiden.'

a1c10l02fa

Your LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

a1c10l02fb

"P.S.—I write this letter in great secrecy. Mention the matter to no one."

a1c10p024

It was wintry weather in BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany when some days later LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., muffled up in her new fur coat, was
[Page 140]
allowed to leave the nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin for a few hours for the first time. The ProfessorDr. Gebhard (fictional and historical) Linked to: #gohrbandt -- had "prescribed" for her an automobile drive. " You must prepare every day now for the long journey to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany," he explained. "Get some fresh air, mix with people, gather new strength."

a1c10p025

Mix with people. . . . At these words LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. listened attentively. A secret fear assailed her. She did not, however, betray her feelings. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- came to fetch her away with GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , who did not stir from her side.

a1c10p026

When LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was outside the nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin, firmly supported by NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative' arm, she was again overcome with fear. She looked as apprehensive as a prisoner breathing fresh air for the first time after a long spell of captivity. She glanced about her timidly, as if she feared that everything around her was a deception.

a1c10p027

She hesitated to proceed.

a1c10p028

"Come now, child," said GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- softly to her.

a1c10p029

"She is proud," laughed NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, "and, of course, wants to go alone."

a1c10p030

"No, no," protested LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. in a frightened voice, "don't let me stand alone. Just a moment more. I must just taste this air once more. This air . . ."

a1c10p031

When LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was sitting in the car, huddled close to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , she closed her eyes. "Don't bother about me. I must first get accustomed to all this."

a1c10p032

And thus she drove through the roaring life of the KurfurstendammKurfürstendamm -- , like a somnambulist, silent and self-absorbed.

a1c10p033

The drive lasted two hours, and then GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- put the tired invalid to bed again. She was scarcely able to peck at the food that was brought her
[Page 141]
before she fell into a deep slumber, which lasted until the following morning.

a1c10p034

About noon NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative called for them both. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was in much better spirits. "I shall not bore you to-day, nor myself. I am really anxious to see people."

a1c10p035

"Aren't we such?" inquired NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, amused.

a1c10p036

"But I mean strange people—yes, I want to see strange people again."

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"A brilliant suggestion," declared NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, who resolved that they should dine with him, in order to celebrate the occasion. He stopped the car mysteriously outside a telephone-box and descended. He wanted to inform IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- of his intention. And wearing a still more mysterious expression he returned.

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In a quarter of an hour they reached their destination. IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- was waiting for the party on the doorstep. She pressed a big bunch of roses into LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s arms. "Be brave, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. Now you will find what you are longing for." And then they divulged to her that in the flat was a young lady from CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark Karen Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, who knew neither LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. nor GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , nor—AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- , and to whom they had announced the visit of "a Frenchwoman imported direct from ParisParis -- City in France."

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"For heaven's sake!" cried LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., almost beside herself.

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"No contradiction. You must now play the imported Parisienne," declared IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- . "My friend has been told that you understand neither German nor Danish. And she does not understand a word of French. I have told her that you have just had a serious illness, and are still a long way from
[Page 142]
recovery. You understand neither German nor Danish." NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had already taken the reluctant LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. by the arm: "Go right in, my dear," he ordered, and before she could recover her equilibrium, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was sitting in the deep armchair of his study, the same armchair in which Andreas SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- a few weeks before had confessed the story of his life during the greater part of a night.

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Then the door opened and Karen WardalKaren Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg, a young CopenhagenCopenhagen -- City in Denmark actress, whom GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had known for many years, stood in front of LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. thought that her heart would burst. Her pale cheeks blushed crimson. Yet nobody observed any trace of excitement in her.

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"May I introduce," began IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- with a smile, Fräulein Karen Wardel Karen Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha WambergMademoiselle Julie StuartLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.." And then, turning to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- : "You both know each other already."

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"Of course we do!" cried Karen Wardel Karen Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg with enthusiasm. "How is your husband AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ?"

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And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- explained that AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was very well indeed, but, owing to pressure of work, had been unable to leave ParisParis -- City in France. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. sat still, listened unconcerned at the conversation conducted in Danish, and answered every question which KarenKaren Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg asked in Danish, and which was rapidly translated by GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- or IngerInger Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenV -- into the most elegant French.

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The maid announced dinner. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was escorted by NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative into the dining-room. The conversation flowed from one language into another, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. behaved like a perfect Parisienne, as if she had never heard a Danish word in her life. She accepted as a matter of course KarenKaren Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg's compliments upon her "extremely chic Parisian costume"—this time
[Page 143]
NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative played the interpreter, and in her delight at this extravagant praise of her attire LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. forgot that her hastily improvised wardrobe was not of Parisian origin at all, but had come from a BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany costumier.

a1c10p046

She did not betray herself by even a look. True, she was obliged to bite her tongue many times, when she was on the point of suddenly joining in the conversation conducted in Danish. This comedy lasted nearly two hours. There was a good deal of joking in Danish, and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. did not laugh until the point of the "Danish joke" had been translated to her in French.

a1c10p047

Then she could keep it up no longer. She was tired to death, and begged GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- to take her to her hotel.

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She bade a smiling farewell to Fräulein KarenKaren Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg.

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"The next time we meet I shall murder the French language," the young actressKaren Wardal (fictional) -- Possibly modeled on Sascha Wamberg called after her. "Till our next meeting in ParisParis -- City in France; and don't forget, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , to give Monsieur AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- my kind regards."

a1c10p050

NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative accompanied GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to the nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin.

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"Well," he said, when they were sitting in the car, "I should not have thought it possible. Now I can believe in miracles!"

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. sank back utterly exhausted. In silence she let herself be driven again through the roaring cityBerlin -- City in Germany, now twinkling with thousands and thousands of lights. When the car stopped in front of the clinicProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had to carry LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to her room. He bore a sleeping burden.

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So ended LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s first encounter with a strange person.

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"And she did not recognize me," she said sadly.

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"But, child," answered GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , smiling, "that ought to make you glad. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., my new LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., does not know anybody in the world yet. You are starting life again."

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It did not yet dawn on GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- that LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s melancholy was inspired by fear of having no friends.

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XI

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The next morning news came from Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- in DresdenDresden -- City in Germany. Everything was ready for the patient's -@Editor: PLC reception. If the patient's physical state allowed, the journey to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany might be undertaken immediately. But before going it was desirable to pay a visit to Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, who had tested AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' blood barely a fortnight previously, to enable him to take a test of the patient's blood after the first operation.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- read the communication to LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. very slowly, her voice trembling with excitement.

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"We will leave to-morrow morning, of course," said LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

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"Good; but in that case we must call on Doctor KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified to-day." Saying which, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- hurried out of the room in order to telephone to Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified's laboratoryDr. Karner's laboratory -- .

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When she returned a few minutes later with the news that Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified would not be available for another hour, she found LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. standing in front of the window holding Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- ' letter in her hand.

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., we can start at once. We could walk part of the distance. This will do you good."

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"No, no, not walk. I cannot yet show myself in the street." And her eyes filled with tears.

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On the way GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- mentioned quite incidentally that the DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified's assistant, to whom she had
[Page 146]
telephoned, had not understood her name. "It was, indeed, somewhat difficult to make it clear to her."

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It so happened that their taxi and Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified's car arrived at the laboratoryDr. Karner's laboratory -- at the same time.

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"Good day, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified," said LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., immediately recognizing him and extending her hand.

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"Good day, madam," answered the DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, momentarily surprised, as if he were trying to remember her name.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked in front of her, then looked at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , and at last took courage to say: "I have come from Professor Arn's nursing-homeProf. Gebhard's Sanatorium -- Historical place not identified; possibly modeled on Erwin Gohrbandt's private clinic at Augsburger Str. 63 in Berlin. I am Lili SparreLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.." It was the first time that she had pronounced her name. She heard herself speaking. A feeling of shame overwhelmed her. "Don't you recognize me, then, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified?"

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"But of course, madam, of course," answered Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, although it was obvious from his tone that he had not the least suspicion of the identity of the person standing before him.

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"I understand it is a question of taking a blood test," he continued nervously, and conducted the two ladies through the entrance hall and then into a waiting-room.

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"Yes, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified; but are you still unable to recognize me?"

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The DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified only became more confused. "Sparre . . . Sparre. . . of course the name sounds familiar. Mr. SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was here about a fortnight ago. He too was sent to me by Professor ArnsProfessor Arns (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. But I cannot call you to mind, madam."

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"The gentleman and I, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified, are, in fact, one and the same person," stammered LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative..

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"I beg your pardon." Completely dumbfounded, Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified looked from one lady to the other—then looked at his watch, and made a quick bow. "Oh, excuse me a moment—the ladies are foreigners, of course." And he bounded out of the waiting-room.

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Beside herself with confusion, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked at GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- . "I think I shall lose my reason."

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- laughed. "Your doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified is certainly of your opinion. He did not understand a single word of what you told him."

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Suddenly LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. began to laugh. "But that is splendid. He too, then, did not recognize me."

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A nurse came into the room and requested LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. to follow her. The DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified was waiting for her in the laboratory, which LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. immediately recognized. He was holding a small instrument, similar to a morphia syringe, a transparent glass syringe. He smiled, still somewhat embarrassed. "Please, madam."

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She heard the title ringing in her ears . . . madam.

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"Please, madam, will you sit down, and turn up your sleeve above the elbow, so that I can get at the veins. So. . . . Much obliged, madam."

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With a distinctness never before experienced, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. caught every word he uttered. It seemed to her as if the words were floating in the room. Her eyes gazed steadfastly at the syringe, whose needle was boring cautiously into her arm; she saw the glass container slowly filling with her blood, and she fainted.

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When she came to herself, she looked around timidly.

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The doctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified was standing by the patient's chair with a smile on his face.

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"Have I been lying here long, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified?"

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"Only a few minutes. Did it hurt as much as all that?"

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"Hurt? Oh, no. You must not think that I am usually so bothersome."

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"Of course. Mr. SparreAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- was not either. Sparre; if I understood aright, madam, your husband . . ."

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"Mine? Yes, yes." She was so confused that she did not know where to look.

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Then the DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified laughed. "So I did understand you correctly before. The German language is a very difficult language. What you said before sounded very amusing—as if you had said that you and your husband were one and the same person. Ha, ha, ha!"

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"But, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified—"

a1c11p035

"Believe me, madam, even a German utters the most incredible stupidities when he tries to make himself understood in a foreign language. However, to go back to your husband—a stoic of a man, if you like. Now I remember, of course—although he looked ill and exhausted when he sat before me in the same chair that you are now occupying—he said not a word about his sufferings, declined even to hint at them. Instead of this we conversed in the way usual among men here, especially when one comes from abroad, that is to say, about politics, while I was tapping his blood. Of course, I know very well that this cannot be done without hurting, although your husband behaved as if—and really with success—while you, madam . . ."

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"Please, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified."

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"But, madam, that is your vested privilege, as a representative of the weaker sex, while your husband is, if I may so express myself as a doctor, a prototype of the masculini generis. . . . "

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"My dear DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified"—LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. now broke into a ringing laugh; she had risen and was staring at him almost insolently—"if you only knew what a lesson you had read me with those words!"

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"Lesson?" The DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified chivalrously leaned over her. "But I have nothing but admiration for you, madam. You allowed the same blood test to be taken unbidden, in the same way as your husband—which, moreover, was very sensible. Only women can really do such things. A pain shared is a pain halved. Have I not come well out of the business?"

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"Splendidly, DoctorDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified. And now, good-bye."

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"Good-bye; and my kindest regards to your husband."

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"GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , dearest," said LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., when they were again in the open air together, "I have now got to the point of accepting with calm amusement the comic side of such a situation as I have just been in, without the flicker of an eyelash. If I did not do so, I should either go mad or lose myself."

a1c11p043

In the evening GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- wrote in her diary:

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. is still trying to find her feet. People do not make it easier for her. By people, I mean the former acquaintances of AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ."

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"Come," said LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., "now I will take my first walk through BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany."

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So they both went from Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified's laboratoryDr. Karner's laboratory -- through the bustle of the great cityBerlin -- City in Germany, jostling strange people. It was a fine spring day. The sky was cloudless and softly blue. The air felt like a prolonged caress. The faces of the people they met, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. noted with gay excitement, had such shining eyes. "Do I look like that, GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ?" she asked many times. And as they strolled arm in arm they often stopped in front of shop windows. She never grew weary of gazing at their display of silks, and she saw her reflection in every plate-glass window. "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , tell me, do I look all right in my furs? Do I look any different from you?" And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- smiled on her. "Child, remember your Dr. KarnerDr. Karner (fictional) -- Historical figure not identified—and be glad that we have progressed so far as this."

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. desisted from her questions, but every now and then her eyes would dart a glance of inquiry. Questions innumerable were stirring in her breast; but she refrained from uttering them. She forced herself to show a smiling face, and whispered to herself again and again: "Nobody knows me and my fate here in the great cityBerlin -- City in Germany. Nobody mistrusts me. Nobody. I can carry my secret about with me in peace. Nobody is betraying me. And it is a bright day with plenty of sunshine."

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Really tired, she clung to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's arm. "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- ," she said at once, "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , you are not ashamed of me?"

a1c11p048

When GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- regarded her with surprise, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. behaved as if something had flown in her eye.

a1c11p049

"But what's the matter?"

a1c11p050

"Nothing, nothing; we go to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany tomorrow, and I am glad NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative is going with us. Sometimes I feel so afraid. I don't know why."

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This feeling of dread became so alarming during the last night before the departure for DresdenDresden -- City in Germany that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was obliged to summon the assistance of the head nurse.

a1c11p052

LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. wept and wept through many despairing hours. "I cannot . . . I cannot. . . .How can I look Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- in the face? He doesn't know me. He doesn't know who I am. I am afraid. I would rather die first." When at length she could weep no more, she lay in her bed, staring in front of her.

a1c11p053

A thousand apprehensions assailed her. The railway journey to DresdenDresden -- City in Germany, all among strange people . . . the arrival in another great city . . . the way to the clinicWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden . . . more strange people, with curious eyes . . . and then the ProfessorKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- . How would he receive her?

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. did not know herself what was going on within her.

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had long since packed the trunks, had found time for many cheery words, had talked about indifferent things, while LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was lying totally unconcerned.

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"And to-morrow I shall be with Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- , and nobody can help me—nobody." She kept saying these words in a whisper. And when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- told her that she and Professor KreutzKreutz Werner (fictional) Linked to: #warnekros -- had only a single thought, which was to help her, and that it was ungrateful to despond just now, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. only shook her head in a tired way. "GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , I know better. Nobody can help me. It is much too hard for a tired soul."

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In the morning, when GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- was still sleeping—she had not dropped off until very late—LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.
[Page 152]
rose, dressed, contemplated herself, and stole softly, so as not to disturb GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , towards the not very large mirror which GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had brought with her and hung over the night table, converted into a dressing-table. She was not pleased with what she saw. Ugly and inexpressive the reflection appeared to her—a dull, tired, anæmic mask. She sat down on a trunk and buried her face in her hands.

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"LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.!" GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's arms were round LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s neck. "Now you look like a mother anxious for her child."

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"Anxious for her child?" LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. slowly repeated the words. "Yes—for her ill-bred child, as if such a mother could ever be cheerful."

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So the day started, and its hours crawled slowly by. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative was an early arrival.

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"Our LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looks like an officer's miss," he cried, enthusiastic—"haughty and condescending! An incredible phenomenon."

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In half an hour the phenomenon will be on its way to its destination, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. reflected. The phenomenon. And she pulled herself together. Nobody should see tears in her eyes to-day. Nobody. She must empty her mind of all thought. Thus she was driven to the station, with eyes which looked as if they saw. But they saw nothing. In the waiting-room she let herself be persuaded to take breakfast with the others. She was obedient. "To-day I will have no will of my own, NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative; to-day I will do what you both order me."

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An abundant breakfast table was hastily improvised. "This spread," announced NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative solemnly, "is to celebrate LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s departure on her first overland journey."



                  LILI ELBE IN THE WOMEN'S CLINIC, DRESDEN, 1930
LILI ELBELili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. IN THE WOMEN'S CLINICWomen's Clinic -- Staatliche Frauenklinik, Pfotenhauerstr. 90, Dresden, DRESDENDresden -- City in Germany, 1930

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The waiter had placed a pint tankard of Hofora in front of each. NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative raised his tankard towards LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , the dainty, elegant GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , raised, not without considerable difficulty, her tankard towards LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.—and LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. was no spoil-sport.

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"Skaal, my dears," she said, "or prosit, as we must say here!" And before NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had clinked his tankard against LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s, she had taken a generous draught.

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"Bravo, bravo!" cried NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, so loudly that many of the people in the waiting-room looked around them.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. immediately put down her beaker. "Please, please don't excite attention." She was stretched on the rack all the time.

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Yet she wanted to be gay. Moreover, as she honestly acknowledged, the fresh aromatic beer had a glorious taste. And this refreshing breakfast with crusty Berlin rolls and liver sausage and cheese, a real German morning meal—did not in the least resemble an invalid's diet.

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"It makes me feel quite a new being," she confessed. "It tastes like resurrection. If only it gets to that point. Prosit! Long live life!"

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When it was time for the train to leave, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., clinging all the time to NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative' arm, pushed through the crowd on the platform so quickly that GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- had difficulty in following them. A corner seat in a second-class compartment was found for LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative., while NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative and GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- secured seats opposite to her.

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With merry, wideawake eyes, which absorbed every trifle around her like a new experience, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. rode into her new life.

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The landscape between BerlinBerlin -- City in Germany and DresdenDresden -- City in Germany is a series of endless, monotonous plains, thinly wooded, and here and there coloured red, white, and yellow by small settlements, villages, townships and towns, broken only by occasional placid brooks and streams—a picture devoid of excitement, a panorama calculated to soothe and lull. Low overhead hung a blue-grey sky, while the fresh morning wind drove golden clouds merrily before it like young lambs just released from the fold. Then a large, bright green rectangle would swim into vision—a winter crop with the ears already sprouting, between silvering willow trees, while a dark islet of cloud lowered spectral overhead. Sharply defined on the eastern horizon was a church tower. Then the sun emerged from a heavy bank of cloud, and flooded the whole world with a golden light. The telegraph wires buzzing up and down in front of the carriage window. A flock of partridges ascending from a dark patch of marshland and disappearing into a silvery birch wood. A signalman's cottage with silver-birch trees and a few fruit trees, stunted and cropped, and fluttering between them multi-coloured washing. A woman pressing her hands on her hips, her eyes fixed on the train, beside her a fair child with a glaring red ball in her hand, and a brown Pomeranian dog squatting beside the child. Shoo—past! The woman's expression was plainly visible. A piece of blue- and-white washing was waving like a flag in her right hand. An unpaved country road curving towards the railway embankment. Two heavy farm-horses drawing a heavily laden cart. The driver lashing out with the whip. The sun gilding
[Page 155]
him and the whipcord and the tin lid of his bowl-pipe, lighting up even the puddles in the deep ruts of the cart-track. Behind a far-flung ridge tower factory chimneys, and white and greenish-yellow smoke-plumes wind into the blue until a breeze breaks them up and they become golden clouds.

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s eyes had become the eyes of a painter, and a tremor passed through her. "Those are not my eyes. They are AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ' eyes. Is he not yet dead within me? Can he give me no peace, then?"

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She closed her eyes. She could not understand why she was so afraid to look at, to grasp and to love the world, as AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- had done. Was it because she feared she would never get on to her own feet, never be loosened from—AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ?

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GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- and NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had gone into the corridor in order to smoke.

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In the compartment there remained two German gentlemen of very correct appearance. The two corner seats by the door belonged to them.

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Up till then LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. had scarcely noticed her fellow-travellers. She had kept herself entrenched behind newspapers.

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Suddenly one of the gentlemen laid his paper down and the other gentleman followed suit, except that he almost solemnly folded up his newspaper. Involuntarily she looked at him, and he returned her look very deliberately. "Hm!" he grunted at least four times. The other gentleman flicked off some dust, and removed his light-brown, very solid gloves. A thick diamond ring came to light. He cleared his throat again. LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. drew her furs closer about her. She felt the look of the two "lords
[Page 156]
of creation" fixed upon her. She put on a very haughty expression.

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"Ahem," said the gentleman next to her. "Do you mind, madamLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.?" She nodded her assent.

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He offered her a heavy cigarette-case, inlaid with gold: "It is, to be sure, a non-smoker; but both the other people—ahem."

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LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. smiled: "No, thanks."

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"Hm!" And the gentleman shut his case with a snap and deliberately put it away in his pocket.

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The gentleman opposite unfolded his newspaper.

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And LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative. looked out of the window.

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A little dainty birch wood upon a hill under the sun. Two diminutive mother-o'-pearl clouds overhead, like wings which a child angel had forgotten in play.

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NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative had returned, and was again sitting in his corner seat.

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"Early spring," he said; "early spring, LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.."

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And GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , who also returned at this moment, repeated the word, "Early spring. . . . I never heard the word Vorfrühling before. A beautiful word. Oh to be out there painting as I used to! . . ."

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Then she broke off, avoided LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s look, and closed her eyes.

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For a whole hour they sat thus silent.

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In LiliLili (fictional and historical) Linked to: #sparreAn #wegenerE -- Our project editors have been unable to verify that Lili Elbe used the pseudonym Lili Courtaud outside of its use in the narrative.'s ears GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's words still echoed: "Early spring . . . painting as I used to," and she completed the sentence, "with AndreasAndreas Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerE #lili -- ."

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Was it jealousy which was now stirring in her?

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No, no; the idea was impossible.

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She leaned across to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- —no one saw it, not
[Page 157]
even NielsNiels Hvide (fictional) Linked to: #knudsenP -- Hjalmar Hvide was the fictious name first used for Niels Hvide in the narrative, who had fallen asleep like GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , while the two strange gentlemen were standing outside in the corridor smoking—and laid her hand in GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's lap. Then she rose and sat next to GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- , laid her head against GreteGrete Sparre (fictional) Linked to: #wegenerG -- 's shoulder and gazed out of the window again. Ranges of hills were billowing up, growing into small mountains, and new ones kept joining them, dotted with villas. And eventually everything became a confusion of villas and gardens and tenement houses—between which factory buildings reared their heads and streets opened like canals between columns of houses, while the columns of houses became great settle